What If....

So here's the deal... due to interesting events in my life the past few days I've spent a lot of time thinking 'what if'? 

And... since this has turned into quite the relationship blog.. these moments have to do with just that.

All completely unexpected, the first one took me back to age 11.

I had a huge crush on the same boy all through junior high, high school, and part of college-- up until half way through his mission at which point I was distracted with the here and now.

What if I hadn't been distracted? What if I had reinitiated that friendship when he returned home?

Would I be the one dating him now? Would I be living my happily ever after?

I also have experiences (often while Facebook stalking) when I see things that make me a little bit glad inside that I didn't follow a certain path with someone. 

What if I had kept dating them? What if I had stayed friends with someone? What if I had gone on that trip or to that party? 

Would I be happy? Would I have graduated college in 4 years? Would I be pregnant?

These moments caused me to ask myself 'what if?' but I didn't really have a thought of where to take a blog post past that stupid little question.

Until today.

Let me preface this next story a little bit--

4 years ago I met a guy who changed my life. It was the first time I 'fell in love' and really cared about someone. I wrote to him his entire mission and with every letter felt like a giddy little girl as I opened the mailbox and then ran to my room, shutting the door behind me to devour each word over and over again. He was everything to me. After he returned home we spent the next year jumping back from dating (long distance.. blah) to not speaking at all. Then a year ago this week I finally gathered the courage to separate myself from the extremely unhealthy relationship we shared that I had been dragging out for far too long.

And today.. I saw him for the first time again. You would think that after an entire year had gone by I would have been okay with such an encounter. It wouldn't have phased me hardly at all.

But it did.

In that instant my mind flashed straight to 'what if' and all sense of concentration was lost.

What if we had kept dating? What if he really was the guy I hoped he was in all of those letters? What if I had moved to Cedar City?

Would I be the one he's engaged to now? Would I be happy with my life?

And that's when I realized a little bit more the meaning behind 'what if' moments.

The moments that cause us to think 'what if' are often the moments that life suddenly becomes real to us and, as my sedimentology professor would say, hits us in the face like a wet monkey.

They're the moments when we flash back to things that were once important to us and in that moment, we're back in that spot living them all over again. 

And that's why they can be so intense-- because they are real. These are moments in which we defined who we were and chose (or were forced into) a certain path.

And no matter how many different ways you can answer your 'what if' and 'would I' questions, your life will always be the choice you already made so the very best you can do is take that moment to evaluate and then move on.

So move along, move along like I know ya do.