So here's the deal... due to interesting events in my life the past few days I've spent a lot of time thinking 'what if'?
And... since this has turned into quite the relationship blog.. these moments have to do with just that.
All completely unexpected, the first one took me back to age 11.
I had a huge crush on the same boy all through junior high, high school, and part of college-- up until half way through his mission at which point I was distracted with the here and now.
What if I hadn't been distracted? What if I had reinitiated that friendship when he returned home?
Would I be the one dating him now? Would I be living my happily ever after?
I also have experiences (often while Facebook stalking) when I see things that make me a little bit glad inside that I didn't follow a certain path with someone.
What if I had kept dating them? What if I had stayed friends with someone? What if I had gone on that trip or to that party?
Would I be happy? Would I have graduated college in 4 years? Would I be pregnant?
These moments caused me to ask myself 'what if?' but I didn't really have a thought of where to take a blog post past that stupid little question.
Until today.
Let me preface this next story a little bit--
4 years ago I met a guy who changed my life. It was the first time I 'fell in love' and really cared about someone. I wrote to him his entire mission and with every letter felt like a giddy little girl as I opened the mailbox and then ran to my room, shutting the door behind me to devour each word over and over again. He was everything to me. After he returned home we spent the next year jumping back from dating (long distance.. blah) to not speaking at all. Then a year ago this week I finally gathered the courage to separate myself from the extremely unhealthy relationship we shared that I had been dragging out for far too long.
And today.. I saw him for the first time again. You would think that after an entire year had gone by I would have been okay with such an encounter. It wouldn't have phased me hardly at all.
But it did.
In that instant my mind flashed straight to 'what if' and all sense of concentration was lost.
What if we had kept dating? What if he really was the guy I hoped he was in all of those letters? What if I had moved to Cedar City?
Would I be the one he's engaged to now? Would I be happy with my life?
And that's when I realized a little bit more the meaning behind 'what if' moments.
The moments that cause us to think 'what if' are often the moments that life suddenly becomes real to us and, as my sedimentology professor would say, hits us in the face like a wet monkey.
They're the moments when we flash back to things that were once important to us and in that moment, we're back in that spot living them all over again.
And that's why they can be so intense-- because they are real. These are moments in which we defined who we were and chose (or were forced into) a certain path.
And no matter how many different ways you can answer your 'what if' and 'would I' questions, your life will always be the choice you already made so the very best you can do is take that moment to evaluate and then move on.
Before you get too distracted by the title of this post or the picture, let me teach you a little bit about your body.
cortex: the outside of the brain responsible for logic function
limbic system: part of the brain known as the "emotional brain" These two parts of your brain banter back and forth between logic and emotions-- occasionally resulting in confusion and ridiculous choices.
Your body produces a chemical called dopamine which is highest just before a pleasurable experience.
Here are a few examples:
Thanksgiving dinner-- just before that delicious food enters your mouth.
Gambling-- just before you pull the handle on the slot machine.
First kiss-- just before that sexy person's lips (or not so sexy) touches yours.
Christmas Eve-- just before you get to open all of those presents in the morning!
Malibu at California Adventure-- just before that big drop while you're hanging in the air
These are moments of intense anticipation when your body is getting all psyched out for a party.
When an individual participates in extreme experiences, the dopamine gates in your body are flooded. Once this happens, a new standard is set and our bodies want to reach that point again.
Your body also produces a hormone known as oxytocin which is responsible for creating a bond between two people.
Some moments that this hormone is released is when a mother gives birth or when a couple falls in love.
Ok ok ok so this is all cool and everything but Amanda, you're no doctor so why do you care?
[Yes.. I talk about myself in 3rd person.]
Well, there is a point in life when you're mature enough to actually handle all of these crazy things your body does. You need to wait to be serious in a relationship until an age at which the amounts of oxytocin and dopamine can be handled and your neuropathways are developed enough for you to make the best logical decisions rather than letting your limbic system (emotions!!) go all psycho on you.
There's a balance between logic and emotions that your body needs in order to keep you on a good path relationship-wise. If you're jumping into the physical side of a relationship too fast you might lose logic along the way.
"As you are aware, kissing is more stimulating than satisfying; consequently, it invites more and more." -Bruce Monson, New Era June 2001
People always ask me: why wait physically? When you start jumping into a relationship physically it starts a stopwatch. Your body is expecting you to wind up at the end of the road-- intimately.
That's just how it works.
It's not a bad thing-- your body has dopamine to heighten and encourage those experiences along with oxytocin to lock them all in but unless you're planning on reaching the end of the road you might want to watch how fast you're walking.
Here's a simple way to monitor your walking speed:
1: Acquaintances -----> Handshake
2: Friendship ----------> High five
3: Casual Dating -----> Brief hugs & flirtations
4: Serious Dating ----> Holding hands & kissing
5: Engagement -------> Lingering kisses
6: Marriage -----------> Intimacy (sex!)
These six levels of relationships should correspond to the six levels of physical actions. It makes sense that if you don't know someone well that you would simply shake hands with them, not make-out with them (NCMO!) or have a little sex fling. The opposite is also true-- how awkward would it be to only high-five your spouse?
Point is.. keep your lines horizontal. The further the tilt (ex: acquaintances --> intimacy), the more awkward and painful the situation is going to become.
Why do these lines become tilted? A few different reasons.. lack of communication, unresolved conflicts, and the one I actually want to talk about--
Boys use love to get sex and girls use sex to get love.
I'm not saying this is always true (it's not!) but more often than not this is the case.
We see it all the time-- boys spend money on girls and plan special dates and tell them how beautiful they are to get some.
[Not always-- hopefully they're doing it because they love the girl.. BUT..]
It's often an expectation that if you put forth the effort to make a girl feel like she is loved that you will in return be rewarded physically.
On the opposite side of the story, girls will kiss a guy and have sex with him to keep him around because she so desperately needs to feel loved.
So how do you break this balance of love for sex and sex for love?
You don't make it an option.
Often when this is happening you hear the phrase, "But I just can't help it."
NO! You can help it. You set in your mind what is an option and what is not.
If you're open to the idea of not only playing this love/sex game but even falling in love before you are ready maturity-wise, it is going to happen because your mind okayed it.
If you don't want those things to happen, then close your mind to that idea and stay away. Simple as that.
Point of this post-- there is a right time for everything.
When the timing and order is wrong it will inevitably lead to awkward confusion and heartache.
When the timing and order is right, fireworks.
It's like drinking orange juice..
A glass of orange juice is delicious in the morning with a nice minty brushing of the teeth afterwards.
But how good does orange juice taste after brushing your teeth?
Not so lovely anymore even though it is still the same orange juice as before.
There comes a time in almost every relationship blog and life of a young single adult when the question "Why aren't you married?" comes up.
HERE IT IS!!
This version will be based off of the past 4 weeks of my life working at EFY.
It started the very first night before we (meaning- the counselors) even had our kids when we were reunited with our session director from the year before. To a girl I worked with this year and last year he said, "Hey, good to see you again this year! Why are you still here? Why aren't you married?" Later that first week one of my 14-year-old girls walked up to me one evening and very seriously asked, "Do you wonder if you'll ever get married?" I see comments all over the Facebook walls of other counselors saying, "You need to get married!" and hear that phrase or "They're so amazing.. Why aren't they married?" echoing through conversations during the week. During a long walk on the beach with a friend one night I semi-seriously joked about never finding anyone to marry and got the response of, "AMANDA!!! YOU'RE 21!!!!" I endure endless comments from my children telling me how perfect my co-counselor and I would be together while they force us to dance and arrange our future together. I was even engaged for 24-hours this week to one of my closest friends and co-counselor..
This topic of joy and concern already appears rather frequently in my life but has increased dramatically as my job has put me in an environment where such is overwhelmingly prevalent.
Let me make this a little more personal-- I was a boy-crazy girl all through school.. eager to fall in love with the unrealistic expectation that I would be married at age 17-- right after I graduated high school. Starting college single, I laughed at that notion and continued with my boy-crazy habits. I stuck with a few different boys for a couple months at a time but never found a place I felt I truly belonged. Something changed that last year of college and I took relationships a lot more seriously but a permanent relationship did not result. People keep asking me, "Amanda.. why aren't you married?"
My answer: I thought I would be by now. It never fully occurred to me that I would make it all the way though a bachelors degree without at least coming close to that point in my life.
So.. why do I bring all of this up? Well, to vent of course. That's what this blog is for-- to relieve stress from my mind and share it with all of you. I bring this up because I want to put a different light on this topic than is usually read or seen. I'm not going to repeat the "wo is me... so 'old' and am not yet married with 3 babies.." or "I don't need a man in my life because I'm independent and can be happy without a husband." Gross.. let's leave those nauseating narrations for spam.
No.. I wanted something different. I wanted to find something new on this exhausted subject and for the past week I've been looking for that something. I liked a status one of my girls from last year posted on Facebook:
"One day you'll realize that even though you're not perfect, someone truly loves you for who you really are." ~Sydney
I like that thought.. but it just doesn't invoke the passion I need to write a good post.
My search ended during a morningside on Thursday taught by Brother Larson in which we listened to a song off the EFY CD for this year: Arise and Shine.
The song is titled 'My Story' and I've been so kind to not only provide a YouTube link, but write out all the lyrics:
My Story
When I was a little girl I read fairy tales and wondered if they could happen to me
Now I see this is my once upon a time
I am the daughter of a King
And with every choice that I make
I write the next page
I don't know all the twists and the turns
but my journey is clear
I'm a child of infinite worth
There's a reason I'm here
I'll follow the path that's before me
This is my story
There are days when it seems the road in front of me is falling apart and I can't find my way
But I learned how to rely on the burning light that I have within me and I find faith to move forward until I can see just where it leads
CHORUS
Through every chapter my Father's love helps me know who I am
My ever after is a beautiful part of His bigger plan
CHORUS
Ohhhhh This is my story
Here's where you can download songs from the CD for free with this code: 4363742
I really like the two lines I underlined. It occurred to me that I need to stop trying to plan out every little detail of my life and just let it happen. I'm not saying give up on making decisions, just stop being so stressed out about it and let the little twists and turns happen without needing to predict them first. When I graduated from ASU people began demanding an answer for my plans so I came up with "taking a semester off" and went with it. The more I think about it the more excited I am for a semester to do all the things I never have time for and let my story write itself without me painfully forcing the words. I'm excited to discover all the twists and turns that will surely appear along the way and the great thing is, I know where I want to end up and the general path I need to get there so I'm going to let my story write itself. I know that God will give me my fairy tale if I allow Him to do so.
Sorry if this post was still a little on the same cliche and repetitive list..
Last week my building counselor (BC) asked a question when we met for everyone to get to know each other.
Her question: What is your favorite movie/book and what gospel principle can you pull out of it?
I'm always looking for a good intro question and I discovered I really loved this one.
The movie I picked was Slumdog Millionaire. I quickly went over the plot-- a boy who is good to the core and through his entire life everything bad is happening to him... His one goal in life is to find the girl he's always been in love with and be with her.
Gospel principle: Even if we are doing the right thing our entire life, crap is going to happen. In the end though, our older brother (Christ) will sacrifice himself for us in order that we may have our happily ever after.
I think my movie is pretty bombdiggidy and I appreciated the different gospel principles I could have pulled out of it but there was another one that beat mine hands down--
Harry Potter!
One of the girls is far more obsessed than I am (she's read the entire series 49 times) and shared how she was nervous during a talk in church one day and ended up teaching gospel principles from Harry Potter the entire time.
I've discussed a few different gospel principles from Harry Potter before but there was one she talked about that I have never noticed-- the symbolism of the horcruxes.
In order to create a horcrux, you have to commit a major sin that tears your soul apart.
You put a piece of your soul into an object.
You can put the pieces of your soul back together but it is painful and requires complete remorse for what you did.
Isn't it the same with breaking the law of chastity? It is one of the greatest sins and will tear us apart. We leave pieces of ourselves with those that we have intimate relations. It is possible to repent of this sin but it requires a broken heart and feeling true remorse for what you did.
WARNING: This post will most likely be offensive multiple times. If you are going to get butt hurt by that, stop reading! I'm gonna say it like it is.
I've come to realize that the most difficult thing I face as a counselor for Especially For Youth (EFY) is being prideful.
I think it stems from the expectation I have for the counselors here to be the cream of the crop and when they don't live up to my expectations I automatically jump to poor judgment and place myself above them.
When I observe counselors doing things like:
-texting during meetings
-leaving church early
-dressing immodestly
-using inappropriate language
-cuddle slutting it up
-arriving late to activities or meetings
-gossiping about other counselors
-using their authority as a counselor to cheat the rules
and so on...
I see those things and think wow.. and you're supposed to be the example. What a hypocrite. You teach your children all week in an effort for them to not do these things while all along you're just as bad.
And then I catch myself thinking, and even worse, complaining about those things and I'm disappointed in myself.
Why? Because I am no better than any other counselor I will work with this summer. I know that each of us is probably guilty of more than one of those things and that everyone has their own challenges they have to face and habits they need to conquer.
Heck, I'll tell you right now.. I've been guilty of every single thing I just listed at some point in my life so who am I to look down on others for doing the same?
It is SO easy to gossip.. so easy to judge.. so easy to place yourself above everyone else.
So how do we not do that?
Humility.
We must be humble.
This is a term I'm quite familiar with, having been taught the need to be humble my entire life. Be humble. Have a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Don't be prideful-- be humble!
Humble humble humble humble humble.... I need to be more humble.
But how?
I know I need to do it but until a week ago I don't think I'd ever really figured out how to get from point A to B-- from pride to humility.
During the EFY week we have nightly counselor devotionals where I teach my girls for about 20 minutes on a different topic. This year the topics are all Christlike attributes:
Monday: Faith
Tuesday: Obedience
Wednesday: Charity
Thursday: Humility
Friday: Diligence
As I was teaching these Christlike attributes a week ago, it finally clicked.
As I have faith in something I act on my faith by being obedient. As I choose to be obedient I learn to love with a perfect love which is charity. As I learn to love more perfectly, I am humbled. This humility and staircase of Christlike attributes must be worked on diligently.
Humility is not a single step you progress towards-- you need smaller stair steps along the way.
As we refine ourselves through the smaller things-- faith and obedience, we'll learn to love more perfectly which will give us a different perspective-- reducing our pride and replacing it with a humble love.
"There are two kinds of people in this world. The ones you love and the ones you don't know."
That love and humility that you need to see them on your same level doesn't come from a single leap.
Last week one of the classes I attended was on the topic of love. It was such a good lesson that I attended it twice, just so I could make sure I had it all written down.
The speaker was a man who loves Lord of the Rings and video games but more than anything loves his wife:
"She swept me off my feet when we met and 12 years later they still haven't touched the ground."
Way to start off the lesson with every girl (and maybe the boys too) already swooning.
This blog post will incorporate a large part of his lesson with my own added comments and ideas.
The first part of the lesson asked that you finish the phrase below 3 different ways--
"I love..."
Well, let's see.. I love my friends because they are the reason I wake up in the morning smiling and are the motivation behind many of my best choices. I love shaved ice on a hot day (or cold!) and how its sweet heavenly flavor melts in my mouth. I love the way a close male friend feels cuddled next to me on the couch after a long day-- radiating heat and love. I love walking on the beach and feeling the cold water on my feet and the hot sun on my skin.
Point being-- the term 'love' describes a lot of different things.
So... what does love mean?
Here are some responses answering that question according to kids:
Love is:
-what makes you smile even when you're tired.
-when grandma got arthritis and couldn't bend over anymore so grandpa paints her toes for her, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love.
-when someone says your name different. You know your name is safe in their mouth.
-when a boy puts on cologne and a girl puts on perfume and they go out and just smell each other.
-when your puppy licks your face even if you left it alone all day.
-when you tell a guy you like his shirt and he wears it everyday.
-something you shouldn't say unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. Sometimes people forget.
Love is a lot of different things. I love both my friends and shaved ice but do I love them the same way? Of course not. Is loving my boyfriend the same feeling as walking on the beach? No way. The meaning/definition of love just might be the most packed word in the english language. Luckily, the Greek language splits it up for us.
There are three Greek words meaning love: PHILIO, EROS, and AGAPE.
Forgive my handwritten notes and appreciate the magic as these three types of love fit so perfectly together.
PHILIO: "brotherly love"
You might recognize this term from the city Philadelphia meaning 'city of brotherly love.'
Notice on the graph that this relationship builds rather quickly and steadily before leveling off at a constant level for a long period of time.
This brotherly love is a Frodo & Sam or Hans Solo & Chewbacca love.
It's a deep friendship and/or allies.
This relationship includes the people you get in trouble with and always want to spend time with.
Philio has two sides-- self-less vs. self-centered
Fezzik and Inigo Montoya display a very simple, pure, and selfless philio love whereas Voldemort's relationship with his Death Eaters is self-centered as seen when he uses them for his own gain.
3 Things to Remember about philio:
-Be the kind of friend you'd like to have
We only have the power to change ourselves. Make yourself into the kind of person that you wish to see in the rest of the world.
-Have courage to expand your circle
There's a lot to be overlooked with you're not willing to look in the first place. As you open your mind to the idea of new people and ideas in your life you will have a better relationship and love for what you have now.
-Help others to Christ, but accept them wherever they are.
Far too often in religions, or any group really, there's a focus put on us vs. them. If we are willing to take the time to love everyone, we will be able to see that they're not just as different from ourselves as we thought.
"There are two types of people-- the ones you love and the ones you don't know."
EROS: "romantic love"
The graph of this love takes off rapidly- forming the 'falling in love' stage before it peaks and quickly begins to drop. This fall from an initial euphoria brings you to the 'decision point' where you must decide whether to stay with this person and commit or to walk away. Am I really going to stick with this person or is this relationship over? Are you committed to the sparks or the relationship? If the decision to commit it chosen, the love in the relationship begins to build quickly once more before it eventually beings declining in slope.
An 'eros' love is a Wesley and Buttercup kind of love-- the kind of love we swoon over in movies and dream about both night and day. These are the people you want to fall asleep next to and wake up with in the morning no matter how ridiculous they may look.
This love too has both self-less and self-centered sides.
The couple from Up are a fantastic example of self-less love whereas Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother is, for the most part, self-centered as he focuses on satisfying his sex drive.
'Eros' love should be uplifting, ennobling, enriching, wonderful, and all about union.
What it really comes down to is maturity and commitment-- emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
About every five years we become a different person. It is a transition over time but let's face it-- the person you celebrate your 20th anniversary with isn't the same person you married. Your maturity and commitment for the relationship are main factors in determining how well your relationship will work and where it will end up.
The teacher of the class this material originates from said, "The beginning of a romantic relationship does not have the same ingredients as the end of a romantic relationship."
We have to be diligent in consistently learning and adapting.
2 Things to Remember About Eros:
-The 2 Week Love Test
Oh how I love this idea. If you're in an 'eros' relationship, spend two weeks with no physical contact from your significant other. If you survive the 2 weeks and still like each other and have something to talk about-- things are looking pretty good. If not, move on sister.
-"Respect" means "Restraint"
In case you're not aware of this, there are a lot of girls in this world use sex to get love and boys use love to get sex. This practice has warped our perception of what signs of love really are. If you really love someone, you respect them and thereby use restraint in your actions. The best relationship I've been in was one of personal restraint which was one way I realized and knew just how much I cared.
AGAPE: "sacrificial love" or charity
The graph for this type of love is a perfect line. It is consistently maxed out. This love is pure in every form, creating reasoning behind what may seem irrational decisions.
Two examples portraying this love are Lily Potter as she sacrifices her life for her son, Harry and Katniss Everdeen as she volunteers as tribute in place of her younger sister.
These examples of sacrificial love, which contradict our natural instinct to survive, demonstrate that if you love someone with 'agape' you're willing to do anything for them.
And, of course, the perfect example of agape-- Jesus Christ.
Who could better sacrifice themselves for us and have such a perfect love?
No one.
1 Thing to Remember About Agape:
-Christ showed it by dying for us. We show it by living for Him.
This video is a slideshow of a photography collection called Reflections of Christ. It's a little bit long but I HIGHLY recommend you watch it.
Here's a graph of the three types of love combined-- just so you can compare.
Now that we've gone over these three loves, let's put some roles on this venn diagram:
I feel like these roles are pretty much self explanatory except for the star in the middle.
What role should that person be in our lives?
Who should love us with a brotherly love, a romantic love, and a sacrificial love?
Our spouse.
Yes, this is what our world calls 'true love'-- a combination of these three wonderful loves, creating something beautiful.
I hope you learned a little bit more about love and can see it in a different light.
