From Prada to almost Nada.. relationship style

This is a follow-up post to one from a week ago, Riding the Fence, which discussed a few thoughts on the desire for a committal/long-term relationship when one is in a riding the fence relationship.

I was asked for advice on a reversal of that process:

What do you do when a long-term relationship becomes a "ride the fence" relationship?

My initial thoughts went straight to a book I was reading last week in which Diane Vaughan has found a general trend in the process of breaking up, or uncoupling.

She defines the first step as The Initial Disclosure which includes unhappiness from one partner in the relationship which often displays as first a quiet mulling that transitions into various complaints towards the other partner, although not usually complaints of the real problems themselves.

The second step in this uncoupling process is known as Outside Involvements. This step shows up as one partner replacing time and focuses originally used for the other partner towards other things such as friends, activities, work, another love interest, etc. that exclude their partner. This often leads to a discovery of satisfaction outside of the relationship, thereby making it easier to end the relationship because of the reassurance that the alternatives are more appealing and available.

The final step is The Decision to Separate but I'm going to leave that out of this post because I find it unnecessary to my point.

To me, these first two steps describe the transition from a long-term, serious committal relationship to a more casual, undefined ride the fence relationship.

I'm not saying that if you see indicators of this in your own relationship that you are bound to separate, but they are steps that show up in a majority of relationships and need to be handled properly.

So, like my questioner asked, what do you do when this happens?

Any marriage or relationship counselor will tell you that you need to be making a constant effort to keep your relationship alive. Throughout the dating process and even after marriage, you should be consistently going out on dates with each other and making special efforts to show your love and affection for your partner. 

People need to be reassured. Not only do they need to be assured by their partner that they are still loved and cared for, but they need to have a self-assurance that they still care about their partner and are in love with them both then and now.

A couple years back my best friend bought a shirt that says, "I fall in love every single day" or something to that effect. That shirt is probably my biggest clothing envy because that phrase is something I try to live.

It should be the same with a relationship. You should fall in love with your partner again every single day. 

These daily events of falling in love don't have to be grand moments. They're often found in the smallest things. Yesterday I fell in love with some guy named Lucas who works for ASU recycling because I so thoroughly enjoy emailing him about switching out dumpsters. I have no idea who he is.. He could be some fat old guy who smokes and lets his butt crack hang out, but there was still a moment in my life when I fell a little bit in love.

One of the best (and worst) things I've done for a relationship was to begin a list of things that I loved about the guy I was dating. While I was creating the list it helped to build my love for him because I paid more attention to all the little things that I liked about him. Once the relationship ended it was harder to let go of all those things because I had pointed them out in my mind and made a list but now it is something I can look back on and appreciate.

So that's my suggestion as how to bring a once long-term relationship back to its full glory.

Keep away from casual and monotonous time together and make a consistent effort to renew your love for each other every single day. 

As you do this, it will bring the two of you closer, thereby breaking down walls when problems arise, allowing discussion rather than quiet mulling over unhappiness.

It will also increase the appeal of the relationship and raise the partner's desire which will help to prevent them from using outside involvements to distract themselves from the relationship.

Fall in love every single day..

Even if its just because someone opened the sun roof during a drive so you could look at the stars.

Even if its just from a simple comment that shows how much they care.

Even if its just them texting you from the shower.

Let those moments fill your relationship and motivation and teach your partner to value those moments too.

Fall in love.

What I am grateful for

Today was one of those days when it seemed like things couldn't possibly go worse which was then quickly proven wrong.

However, I would really rather not keep thinking about those things so here are some of the things that I am grateful for that were part of my life today.

I am grateful for: 

1. good friends that are there for you every second of the way, no matter what

2. surrogate parents that provide love, comfort, and guidance

3. chimichangas with refried beans and rice

4. puppies that constantly love

5. people who simply listen to your problems and give you sympathy without trying to make you feel better.

6. a working car with air conditioning

7. bottled water

8. pajama pants and big shirts

9. comfy office chairs

10. the ability to cry

The great thing about bad days is that there's always a hope that tomorrow will be a little better. That when you wake up in the morning you'll feel a little stronger and braver and everything will be okay.

My first geology field trip

LOL I'm cleaning out old drafts of posts and stumbled upon this gem from my first semester in geology.

My GLG 310 (structure) class went on 2 field trips yesterday. We left at 7:30 am and made it back early at 12:30 when I then tried to finish my outdoor lab but gave up after a bit because I could not stand the heat anymore.
The high for today is 108 degrees. I'm pretty sure it was close to that yesterday too. But even through all the sweating yesterday in the burning hot Arizona desert I think I definitely enjoyed myself.
You see, I realized yesterday that I've been a rock nerd for a long long time. I used to collect rocks out in the desert as a kid and study them. I went to the rock museum in Mesa in my youth and I remember it being my favorite museum and I still have the rock collection I got from that. Speak of which I should go take a look now that I know a little bit more about rocks.

We started our trip at a place just North of Northern Ave. in Phoenix called Dreamy Draw Park. For some reason when my professor had talked about this place in class I imagined these lovely light orange colored mountains with white layers running through them. Basically the idea of a creamsicle smothered onto a mountain. Well, it did not look like that. Up close though lots of the rocks did have a creamy orange color with white deposits. And the section of the mountains we spent the most time studying was a section of phyllite that shimmers so it was kind of a magical area.

Riding the Fence

My thoughts have been itching over this topic for the past few days and I'm near the point of mental panic.

I'm one of those people who falls for someone fast. I can tell you after one evening together if I'm hooked or entirely not interested. Within a couple hours I've made a personal commitment to either be willing to drop anything and everything for you or to ignore any further contact. 

Every so often there's someone who I'll contradict my decision for but even with them, when it comes down to it, there is a very simple and obvious yes or no.

The problem with this comes in when the other person isn't one to give a quick and simple yes or no and throw themselves in all the way or not. Because of this the relationship turns into what I am going to call a 'riding the fence' relationship. It's not a bad thing that people do this.. in fact, it's quite typical.

One day will be the most perfect day of the week because you are convinced that for the first time in a while your hopes and dreams just might come true.

Then the next moment you're back to despairing over your nightmares.

It's a constant teetering back and forth along a narrow fence path.

Sounds like a typical dating lifestyle, ya? 

And that's what it is supposed to be.. You're not supposed to make a serious marriage call on a first date-- go on a few dates first and get to know each other. Date several different people and date frequently.

But what about people like me who are very much all or nothing? 

In order for me to not fall completely in love with someone when I start getting to know them, I have to manipulate my thoughts to become indifferent and stop caring. I have to constantly make an effort every single day to stop caring about people in my life because I am either not allowed to care that much or cannot handle loving them that much while they're riding the fence.

But indifference leads to an emotionless person.. It is characteristic of a girl who has so much attention that she simply nods as if one more person showing interest in her is of absolutely no importance. It pushes away those who are simply normal, dating, riding the fence people because they see someone who is snobbishly rude and simply doesn't care which is not at all true.

How do you halfway commit? 

How is it that someone can be halfway between indifference and complete commitment?

I really don't know.

(Meaning, I will take any advice you would like to share)

Is there even a way?

Am I just kidding myself that some people can ride the fence without it causing them intense mental impatience like it does for me?

I get chastised fairly often for my inability to commit.

I decided tonight that commitment is not at all my problem..

I am dying to commit to something or someone multiple times every single day.

The issue is that there are few people or tasks that I both care deeply about and will match my commitment. What is the point of giving your heart when no one wants it?

So now I'm wandering through a lifestyle of constant indifference with a fear to let that change.

Memory

It amazes me how often I think I know where I'm going with posts and then as I'm searching for an image to help convey my thoughts I discover what I'm looking for plus even more, adding a new twist to my thoughts. 

I have a very small amount of knowledge on memory but if you'll accept that I have no idea what I'm talking about, I'd like to share a few thoughts based off of a slightly twisted interpretation of the image above.

Operates over a few seconds:

Our mind is constantly pulling in sensory information-- 5 senses.. sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and touches. These bits of information require very little thought and flash through our mind unbelievably fast as we draw in our surroundings. Many times a day there are things that catch our attention and will remain in our memory for a period of seconds rather that milliseconds. These temporary pauses in our memories are relatively unimportant things whether they be an attractive person we saw, a really delicious tasting bite of ice cream, or a funny joke we heard. They are of enough interest for us to pause for a few seconds and take time to highlight them among the thousand other intakes of information during those five seconds. Interesting, with a bias displaying a hint of our personalities, but temporary none the less.

Temporary storage:

I like to think of this type of memory as a stashing memory-- a box where you deposit odd bits of information. Educational facts, who is dating whom, and one that I find frequently intriguing: first memories of someone else. These are usually all memories that will be erased over time unless they get bumped up a level. One of my absolute favorite questions to ask others is what their first memory of me was. At what point did I become an individual instead of a figure in the crowd? I've gotten all kinds of answers from being the girl who yelled at a Sunday School class to shut up to being someone's date at a party. Sometimes you simply don't remember any significant time that a person first made an impression on you or sometimes, it's just a temporary memory that has already slipped away.

Manipulates information:

Isn't it interesting that our minds can change their input, no matter how solid? My mind has taught me a lesson or two on how wonderful it is at manipulating information. In fact, it is something I've spent a lot of time in my life working to improve. I'll explain in a sec how improvement on this subject would be desirable. Some prominent examples of minds manipulating information are questioning spiritual witnesses, analyzing someone's attraction for you, and maybe something as simple as replacing the lyrics to a song. I'm particularly good at accidentally singing lyrics to songs that are way off base. The reason I have worked to improve my mind's ability to manipulate information is for a refuge. Two examples: I went spelunking a few months back and realized it really scares me to be trapped in a small space to the point where I had to often remind myself that there was still plenty of air to breathe. By manipulating information and my thoughts to make myself believe I was fine, I was able to continue through the tight places and have a rockin' awesome day. I'm that same way with relationships, I'm really good at blocking people out of my life or out of my mind mentally as a refuge for one reason or another. It is necessary that our mind has the ability to manipulate information in order that it can fill the gaps and troubles we can't realistically solve.

Focuses attention:

I think this section of our memory stems in some part from the "operates over a few seconds" and "temporary storage" sections but on a much more important level. The things that we focus our attention on-- really focus-- are very indicative of who we are and what we care about. During those extreme moments of joy and pain, who is it that we want at our side and who do we ourselves want to be? Usually the things we really focus our attention on are the answers to those questions. Our minds hold important memories for the times in our lives that we are in dire need of them. For the past several months until recently I had this quote written on the mirror in my room:
"Memories are June roses in the December of our lives."
How beautiful is it that when we lose ourselves and our dreams that we have beautiful roses our memory has stored? And not just for the bad moments-- they're for the good too. We focus our attention and save those things that are most important to be joys we can to return to.

I think it is amazing the many ways our minds and memories work.. the things they focus on.. the way they heal and provide..

Beautiful.

Spam Delight

I'm going to attempt to incorporate two separate ideas into one blog post.

And don't worry about my self esteem.. I promise it's just fine.

The first is a concept that originated from a summer at a BSA camp:

Spam Delight

I was once 1 of 4 girls working at a camp full of boys for the summer. You can probably imagine the amount of attention I received. Receiving that much attention can make you feel pretty darn special. 

A similar scenario took place over Spring Break during which, once again, I was 1 of 4 girls in a group of guys. Same kind of deal. 

Here's where the Spam comes in:

If you offer someone the choice of eating steak or Spam, a majority of the time they're going to pick steak. Why? Because it's real meat. It's delicious (some think) and makes a wonderful meal.

While many think Spam is still pretty good, it's just not steak. It has its own qualities about it, but it will never be as great as steak.

BUT.. if the only thing you have to offer is Spam, everyone's gonna eat it up without hesitation.

Why? Because when you're starving you don't have the option to be picky and you'll be enthusiastic with anything you can get your hands on.

Now incorporate this food lesson into my camp story. With only 4 girls in a group of predominately males, girls become a precious commodity. It doesn't matter if these are steak girls or Spam girls because after an amount of time, it simply doesn't matter.

I pointed this out to a group of my drunken geology friends to which one replied,

"At the very least you're spam sushi."

But am I? How are you supposed to read people's reactions to an unknown food when in these types of circumstances they're bound to react the exact same way no matter what is being served?

Yeah, yeah I realize that you don't have to determine the difference between steak and Spam by the way other people perceive their food, but still..  most people won't tell you the truth to your face. Is the guy who is kissing you going to tell you that you're a bad kisser? Of course not. Are you going to saw how awful someone's first meal they cooked tastes? No way.. you're going to choke it down because that's what people do. They keep the other person happy because they don't want to disappoint or be the bearer of bad news. 

I discovered this week that there are the few who do lay out the truth quite a bit more than most and to be honest, it makes you take a step back. It's surprising and intimidating and makes you reevaluate your own choices of answers and shared thoughts. It's a difficult thing to become accustomed to but for now, I think it is a healthy trait to explore.

Anyways, I lost where I was originally going with this post so ta-da! It's over.

;)

Miscommunication

I'm discovering that one of my greatest frustrations in life is miscommunication. 

I keep being confronted with different forms of miscommunication which forces me to devise another way that I can better avoid said problem.

It's like the game telephone. For those of you who have not played this, a group of people line up and whisper the same phrase down the line. Often.. the phrase you begin with and finish with have quite a few differences. As much as we laugh at the game and have a good time with it, it's a very good model of the transfer of information in the world.

Let me just start listing off some of these situations I have come across in the past week:

I was talking to a friend about my beliefs towards the importance of marriage along with a few other things and I would explain a concept one way and get a response that was completely off my point. It's not that I'm that bad at explaining my thoughts or that he is bad at comprehending, it's simply that there will always be some percentage of information that will get lost as it is transferred from one person to another. Perfect understanding is something that we strive for but never will you be able to understand exactly or receive all of what is on another person's mind. 

I'm going to lump this next series of events into one and call it opposite-gender miscommunication. 

Starting off with a story from last night: 

A guy asked what girls interpreted a first kiss to mean in the beginning of a relationship. Well, depending on the girl and the situation, it can be interpreted many different ways. A point made (by a girl) though is that if you kiss a girl too soon, it's going to be interpreted as lust rather than love. He didn't even consider that to be one of the interpretations, only thinking that a kiss would signify an emotion of caring/attraction. How easily miscommunication occurs in something as simple as a kiss.

Almost always when two members of the opposite sex spend time together, there will always be the lingering question of friendship vs. relationship. Verbally defining that line tends to be uncomfortable and is usually left to subtle hinting. I've found it is very easy to miscommunicate through body language, words, invitations, and actions what the other person is seeking for and expecting. A friend of mine uses the term "indicators of interest" or IOI's when referring to the subtle things one does or says when communicating. Even without the subtle signals, it is easy for one party to interpret the situation in the form they please. Because we have forced our interpretations of relationships to rely on subtle indicators, it is relatively easy to interpret an accepted/declined invitation or physical touch the wrong way.

I'm getting bored of listing events of miscommunication so I'll get to my point and end.

Miscommunication is always going to occur. It's in my life and your life for good.

But steps can be taken to avoid it--

For me, I am better at projecting my thoughts and information if I have taken time to think through them first and establish exactly what I believe and want. Often using writing rather than words as a mediator in communication works better for me and it's a form that I've found myself using more frequently, especially when it is a matter of importance to me.

As for receiving information from others, I personally have found better success when I stash away my other thoughts and focus on listening and really making an attempt to hear and understand what the other person is saying. It helps to incorporate what you know about their lifestyle and past as support for more fully grasping where their thoughts are coming from.

Just a thought. 

Waterproof Rainbow

"I am a rainbow with a waterproof seal."

That's what the About Me section on Facebook will tell you.

What a phrase of contradictions.

I came up with the idea during one of my many musings on a ValleyMetro #30 bus a few years back.

I was just killing some time trying out a paint program on my laptop and before I knew it, I had hit a jackpot of phrases.

Breaking it down:

"I am a rainbow"

A rainbow is:

An arch of colors formed in the sky in certain circumstances, caused by the refraction and dispersion of the sun's light by rain or other water droplets in the atmosphere

Only truly seen in the rarest of circumstances, a rainbow is a beautiful display of color that everyone takes a second to stop and examine.

Although a rainbow, in a sense, doesn't exist on it's own. It is the product of hundreds of refractions of light from raindrops that somehow order madness into something literally untouchable.

"rainbow with a waterproof seal"

Of course a rainbow can't be waterproof because it is water that provides the means for it's existence. Then what am I meaning? An untouchable barrier diving the magic from a destructive world.

Can I be such a beautiful contradiction of organized madness that is protected by part of it's own self?

A couple months ago I lost sight of who I was. I realized I was simply going through motions with nothing to live for and it was immensely depressing. I felt that I had lost my passion for life along with any direction as to a future.

So I began this post.. piecing together bit by bit the things that I have a deep love for that make me want to get up in the morning and sing.

Here's what I have come up with: 

Dancing: 

I really love dancing. I like watching it and participating in it myself. Unfortunately, it takes me a while to let down the self conscious walls when I dance so I've never let myself take it to the level I wish I would. I enjoy the escape dancing provides for my mind-- all my attention is focused on the style of each second and is filled with an unexplainable joy for its beauty.

The video below is one of my favorites to watch to brighten up any moment of my day.

Sign Language:

My experience with signing started as a random interest and developed into a love. I love how expressive of a language it is. Rather than varying intonations in your voice, your body language shows emotion.

Geology:

As much as I gripe about some of my school assignments at times, I really love geology. I love it in a different way than most expect. I love the visual appeal. I love impossibility that such magnificent things are possible. I love the chemistry how elements arrange themselves to form minerals and the way carbonates cycle through an ocean system. I love how it is possible to use a grain of sand to trace wind or water movement.

 

Modeling: It's something I've always had an attraction for although not in the sense that people normally associate to modeling. I like modeling because it gives me some sense of control for capturing the exact moment or emotion I am striving to contain in a picture. My frustrations come in on this topic because I can't both be in the picture and take it. It's a lot more difficult to instruct another to do one of those for you in the way you want than you would think.

Fairy tales:

I believe with all my heart in modern day fairy tales. That's why I am so interested in relationships. I want to understand the mechanics behind the big picture and construct that magic in my own life and the lives of others.

Wedding dresses: 

I really love looking at and analyzing wedding dresses. I used to spend hours on the internet searching through images that caught my attention. I can't really say what it is about them that captures me. Maybe it is their symbolism. Maybe it is the reservation of the color white for only wedding gowns. They're so specific-- it's not just any dress that you think is pretty. It's the exact dress that defines precisely who you are and want to be.

Orange flowers: 

I can't put my thoughts to words on this love of mine. Orange flowers are simply untouchable.

Henna:

I really need to get back into this hobby. I used to tattoo myself and friends all the time with this smelly goo. I like that henna is so natural and semi-permanent. My kind of artwork.

Traveling:

Oh my heavens I love traveling. I've been so many places and I haven't regretted a single dollar spent. I love the different cultures around the world. The way the society is structured and how people treat each other and what their priorities are. It's absolutely beautiful.

Temples:

I love that I live in a time when I have access to a house of God. I love knowing that the things that matter most to me in life are the things that I can have forever.

Summer jobs:

I love working summer jobs. Whether I am a ranger at a boy scout camp who spends her days walking down cliff faces, jumping off towers, and blowing up plastic bats or a youth counselor dancing like an idiot, mending broken hearts, and praying for strength.. it is something I can't get enough of. I attribute a great deal of who I am to the past several summers of my life in which I have learned priceless lessons and developed qualities and loves I doubted I could ever have.

Midnight premiers:

I really like dressing up for midnight premiers and waiting in line all day. It's not because I'm obsessive over the movie itself-- I mean, come on now.. the picture below if from New Moon and I could just pick it up from a Redbox if I ever felt inclined. No, its not the movie that makes the magic. It's the atmosphere. Like going to a high school football game-- you're not there to watch them play. You're there to be a cheering member of the crowd.

Photography:

Every once in a while I pretend I've got skill at taking pictures. Most of the shots I capture I don't claim to be anything spectacular but there are those unpredictable moments that every once in a while I get lucky enough to preserve forever.

Remodeling:

I absolutely love remodeling houses. I'm not talking about furniture and wall hangings (although those can be fun too). No, I'm talking about the back-aching, sweat dripping, dust choking work that has to be done first. That's right-- ripping up carpeting. Scraping off popcorn ceilings. Painting walls. Tiling or fitting wood flooring. That's what I really love.

Emo:

I have an odd itch for emo hair styles quite often. I think they're absolutely fantastic and I wish I had the cojones to live that dream 24/7. To me it is the perfect mix of style with rebellion and I crave it.

Ocean:

I am of the belief that the ocean is pretty fan-freakin-tastic. Whether I'm kayaking, snorkeling, swimming, or simply studying it in school, I can't seem to get enough.

Creepering:

I love stalking people. Nothing harmful or illegal of course, but I find great interest in learning as much as I can about people and then dropping off creepy notes or presents for them when I need a break from reality.

And.. that's me. Those are the things that I have control of in my life that I have chosen to define who I am and bring me joy. When I am lost, feeling that even I don't know myself, I retreat to these loves to help me find who I am once again.