Letting it Burn

The last couple days of my life have been really frustrating. 

I started a job that isn't what I thought it would be and most definitely isn't the 'big girl' career I want.

I got out of my first day of work to discover my 'new' car's battery completely dead and since it is a Prius, the 30+ computer systems I need to make it run were also unavailable, making it impossible to even shift into neutral.

Today was a stressful day at the job mixing various chemicals to make explosives while making sure my 18 kids didn't get hurt in the process.

I also found out the 2nd battery on my car needs replaced, coming in at $350 (+tax), which is not covered by my $1250 warranty.

I watched the guy I thought I was going to marry walk into a reception tonight with his fiancé and listened as they told their proposal story.

And to top it off, my favorite purse came un-sewed.

It has been a rough year.

Between the slaughter of boys that I've stumbled my way through and my attempts at growing up with a job and car, I've gotten a lot of sleep because I was too tired to deal with it all anymore.

Tonight my roommate and I wrote down all of these events on lanterns and set them off in the sky. 

Forever.

I'm sure I'll make my way through several more boys instead of men.

I'm sure I'll have several more employers turn me down, let alone talk to me at all.

I'm sure I'll take several more trips to the Toyota dealership to put more money into car 'maintenance.'

BUT.. I'll never have to deal with the same events from 2013 ever again.

And a new onslaught of bombs just doesn't seem as bad.

Here's what I learned from all of those things listed on the lantern:

-I have the choice every moment of my life how I want to react.

-I always have someone who has my back and knows exactly what to say.

-I want nothing to do with boys and am finally looking for the right man.

-It is my responsibility to make my job(s) what I want them to be.

-My car will break no matter what and money is just money.

-If I want to get in shape and lose weight, a Chinese-style life will do the trick.

Also--

I've also gotten pretty good at making Funky Monkey smoothies at home which is kinda a big deal.

Even though I let go of everything written on that lantern, I still have all the good it brought me.

I'm armed and ready for 2014. It's gonna be a lucky year.

Plastic From China

A huge part of college-aged life is figuring out who you are and what you want to do with yourself. One of the parts that isn't highlighted nearly as much is what happens if you don't like the person you discover or if people around you don't like you either.

For Christmas a year ago I got a letter that helped put to words my greatest triumphs and deepest struggles. It helped me come to terms with how much I loathed parts of myself and gave me a starting point to a personal reconstruction.

A year later I stand before you a different person in many ways, still struggling with a few things, but better educated on myself and what I want than ever before. I love myself and I love my life. And if I was alone in the world, life would be sunshine and daisies.

The issue that arises is that there ARE people and I DO have to live with them. And sometimes, they just don't like me. I scare people and honestly, I enjoy scaring them. By being my full blown, all around glorious self, I. Scare. People. Especially in the LDS world.

I am like bacon on a Jewish sabbath: deliciously repulsive.

Guuuuurl what you been doin' that people gots to go hatin' on you for?

Well sista friends, I gots to say, nuthin' too terrible.

I don't torture animals or sleep around or pick my nose (in public).

I go to church every week and have a decent job and say my please and thank you's.

But, heaven forbid, I enjoy walking around in whatever I want at my house. I share diarrhea stories around the table during Christmas dinner. And if I'm somewhere I don't want to be, I leave.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I am socially unacceptable.

I don't want to be Relief Society President-esqeue. I don't want to volunteer at an old folks' home or tell my friends that I will be praying for them.

But for heaven sakes I am TIRED of the reactions. I am tired of people saying hi to me with pity in their eyes. I'm tired of being put on the agenda in church meetings for possible wayward souls. In fact, I am so tired of all of this that sometimes I wonder if I should cut the stubborn resistance and pretend I'm a part of everything I make a point to separate myself from.

“I have nobody. I have surrounded myself with people who are fake just because I need to talk to somebody.” ~Nikki Reed

Fake it 'til you make it. BE FAKE the world screams! But wait, be true to who you are at the same time. Be who you are and love who you are but still be socially acceptable. If the people around you are dancing, DANCE! If they're bubbly, LAUGH ALONG. “It's better to be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else,” but just make sure you don't show all your cards because that might scare people off.

“It's better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody.” ~Matt Damon

I've been thinking on this idea for a few weeks now and talking to a friend the other night I was a little relieved to discover I have an army backing me up.

Me: “What's the number one thing you look for when dating?”

Friend: “Oh gosh I don't know. Molly Mormon is one of the biggest turn offs though, haha.”

“Why?”

“I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid they will get offended if I'm just myself around them. I guess I just assume they are judgmental. I guess thats judgmental of me.”

People are often scared of what they don't know. Just as others don't know me, I often don't take the time to get to know them very well so all-in-all this ranting can be thrown out the window because maybe I'm just as guilty.

The nice part is that even though you may feel the need to be fake for 99% of the people you meet, that 1% loves every bit of your non-standard self and when it comes down to it, those are the only people who actually matter.

“True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness & ignorance.” ~Henry David Thoreau

Faith, Trust, Pixie Dust

Prologue:

One of my current jobs is substitute teaching and most days, especially when I'm filling in at a junior high or high school, I have a lot of empty time to kill. The first few weeks I blasted through a handful of books but then decided I need to take advantage of these precious hours with few distractions so I've started bringing an Ensign (a monthly LDS magazine) to work instead. The quotes from this post are based off of the article A Time For Faith Not Fear.

My Demanding Personality:

People who have spent time with me know that I like my life planned out. I like knowing what to expect and the details of what is going on around me. 

Information is my security.

Above everything else in my life, this applies the most to my relationships. 

I am the queen of DTRs.

Social limits keep me fairly contained but if I had my choice I'd want an hourly update on my relationship statuses.

You can see why the idea of dating someone new or making myself vulnerable without what I feel to be adequate information makes me more than a little bit antsy.

A Time For Faith, Not Fear:

I've been drilled in lessons of faith over fear my entire life but reading this article, something clicked differently than it ever had before. I was reminded of a conversation with my roommate when I'd commented on a guy I was interested in but already thought it would never work out. She told me I needed to stop thinking that way and go for it as if I expected a triumphant result.

Or something like that.

At that moment I resolved to go for the gold and be more giving and vulnerable in this relationship than I had in the past, in hopes that I would be rewarded with a positive outcome. 

A time for faith, not fear.

"Most of us naturally long for security and clarity in life, but there must be some uncertainty to allow us to use our agency to grow. There is no freedom without agency, and there is no true agency without some risk. Therefore, there is no true freedom without some risk, some uncertainty."

Each time we put faith before fear, we are growing.

It's not always going to work out. The trails aren't always clear and the sun doesn't always shine.

BUT--

"Facing a trial builds faith and confidence."

"Rapids are a part of our journey. Sometimes they may even upset the boat. But navigating the rapids of life brings a great sense of accomplishment and exhilaration we would miss if we got out and waited on the bank. The rapids really are the best part."

Closing Statement:

As we put faith before fear in our relationships (and in life in general), as we work our way through trials, we are making ourselves infinitely stronger and better.

The most important part is that we act. We stand tall and go for it.

"Answers to prayer and solutions to problems generally come as we act."

Now go show 'em what you've got.

Mirror, Mirror

"Write hard and clear about what hurts." 

~Ernest Hemingway

The pain I have caused myself doesn't even compare to any other trial I've faced in my life.

Let me write hard and clear about this topic because, more than anything else, this is what hurts.

I am in awe of how horribly I, and many of those around me, treat themselves.

I've had a few realizations this weekend helping me grasp what is going on in my mind as to how I perceive myself and it's given me a real wake-up call. 

1. My status in society.

I returned home from China this summer ambitious and ready to become employed in a career. I applied for job after job and took a pretty hard hit on my esteem as I was continually denied a response to my applications, let alone an interview or employment. I was getting really frustrated at being turned down even though I have what I perceive to be a pretty decent resumé. 

I'm just a no-one who graduated over a year ago and still hasn't done anything career-related with her life. Why would they hire me when there are so many other people out there with more experience? No matter how hard I try I will never be enough for the jobs I really want.

That is what I lowered myself to-- the things I was lacking.

2. My relationship with men.

It often feels like the men in my life aren't good enough for me or I'm not good enough for them. There is very rarely equal ground. Currently, it's the latter. There's this fear that continually gnaws on my confidence. Not the typical I don't feel pretty enough or what if I don't have the qualities he's looking for? sort of insecurities, but things much deeper. Things like what if he believes deep down I'm a cynical jerk? or my family situation is so far from the Mormon ideal it's going to scare him off.

Again, the focus is on the things I am lacking.

3. My perception of myself.

I know I'm great. I know I'm funny, smart and independent. I know I give good advice and walk confidently, proud of who I am. I know I'm brave, strong, and ready for new adventures. 

But when I wake up in the morning, what do I think? Amanda, you're beautiful and you are going to great things this day? Ha! Amanda, you slept in late and still need to do blah-de-blah-blah before you feel like you're anywhere close to satisfied with what you made of your day is more like it. I see myself as a myriad of things to improve on rather than a stack of things I've done that make me proud. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, I've found it's rough only looking at the things I'm lacking rather than seeing the power and magic of the potential I possess. 

And that's what hurts.

I see myself and those around me, so wrapped up in fear of never being enough that they are missing the big, beautiful, wonderful picture of all they really are.

1. I am an intelligent person seeking out higher employment in order to better develop my skills.

2. I am one cute chick, confident of herself in the company of her friends.

3. I am stellar. I am love personified, reaching out to bring that to the world.

And all those around me need to see themselves as that too. 

But so often we miss it all.

And more than anything else, that hurts.