HIMYM Debate

Today as I was wasting my life away watching How I Met Your Mother I came across an episode debating whether or not it is okay to keep items from your past relationships.

Ted's apartment was filled with things from past relationships-- a lamp, a pillow, a mini phone booth...

Robin's five dogs were all evidence of past relationships..

At what point is it reasonable to say yes, you need to get rid of something from a past relationship?

Should you keep nothing from past relationships?

Should you only keep items if they are expensive or have use?

It is okay to keep letters or emails or a card?

Let's say it is not personal anymore.. it's just an item. Then is it okay?

What if it is a $300 sleeping bag or a nice bed set or tickets to a concert or your favorite pair of shoes?

They're just items, right? So you shouldn't have to get rid of them..

But a partner in a new relationship may see these items as evidence of attachment.. it may create jealousy or make them feel like they're not as important..

At that point is it rational to get rid of all those things from past relationships?

Give me your opinion.

Please :)

Dancing Through Life

A few months back I was chatting with a friend on Facebook about how sometimes not labeling situations in life and giving them a title or category can be a positive thing because then you're not mislabeling or overanalyzing.

He copied a few of the lines from Wicked's Dancing Through Life song to add to the conversation and for the first time, I loved something more than just a beautiful voice in that song. 

At that point I knew I wanted to take these lyrics somewhere with a blog post but I just wasn't sure exactly where. Now I've figured it out.

Let's review some of the lyrics first before beginning:

Dancing through life
skimming the surface
gliding where turf is smooth
life's more painless
for the brainless
why think too hard?
when it's so soothing
dancing through life
no need to tough it
when you can sluff it off as i do
nothing matters
but knowing nothing matters
it's just life
so keep dancing through...

dancing through life
swaying and sweeping
and always keeping cool
life is fraughtless
when you're thoughtless
those who don't try
never look foolish
dancing through life
mindless and careless
make sure your where less
trouble is rife
woes are fleeting
blows are glancing
when you're dancing
through life... 

I've noticed a lot lately in my own life and the lives of others that people often put on a "dancing through life" facade in their relationships. 

We have this fear that if we dip beneath the surface we'll end up drowning. Why take the risk when you can "skim the surface"?

I've seen skimming the surface situations in...

a couple who is fighting but only chit chats about fluff because they don't want to make things worse..

someone who wants to push for more but doesn't want to disturb a precariously balanced scale..

avoidance rather than confrontation..

This fear of drowning can also cause us to take on a "mindless and careless" persona. It's easy to play blonde and not acknowledge that you are aware of the reality around you.

Even if you know you've done something wrong it's easy to pretend you weren't aware and people let you get away with it.

Some people, girls especially, have complicated plans, yet they take on a very offhand personality to make it appear they're not deeply involved in a matter.
We find reasons to not say exactly what is on our mind whether it's because we feel it is not the right time, we don't want to hurt the person's feelings, we don't want to ruin something good we've spent so much time working towards, we don't want to be wrong, we claim that it is not necessary to share... 
People can come up with a lot of reasons..
and they do.

One reason I love these lyrics is that one way you look at them, they provide a positive angle on a way we can live our lives, yet they also show how much you can be missing.

There's a point when "dancing through life" simply doesn't cut it if you want to be holding a trophy in the end. 
But sometimes it is hard to take the risk of losing a menial ribbon you might get if you keep dancing.


But what's a ribbon worth anyway when you know you wimped out on a trophy?

Some Broken Hearts Never Mend

Growing up I would go camping in Colorado with my family every summer for 2 weeks.

On the drive there and back my favorite thing to do was sing along with my grandpa to some cowboy tunes-- Don Williams and Pioneer Pepper and the Sunset Pioneers.


This past week as I was traveling, one of my favorite Don Williams's songs played in the car:

Some Broken Hearts Never Mend 

Here are the lyrics:


Coffee black, cigarettes,
start this day, like all the rest,
First thing every morning that I do,
Is start missing you

Some broken hearts never mend,
Some memories never end,
Some tears will never dry,
My love for you will never die

Rendezvous in the night,
A willing woman to hold me tight,
But in the middle of love's embrace,
I see your face

Some broken hearts never mend,
Some memories never end,
Some tears will never dry,
My love for you will never die


I absolutely love these lyrics.. I can easily imagine this poor man's life each day. I can feel the weight of this burden he carries and the disappointment that no one can fill the void in his life.


I had quite a bit of time to think about a few different things the past several days. Listening to the lyrics of this song again threw another topic into the lot--


Do all broken hearts mend?


According to Don Williams, they don't. I know someone who 40-some years and a few marriages  later is still heartbroken over a best friend they dated for a time in college but it ended up being a one-sided love. 
That broken heart hasn't mended.


So.. what are your thoughts? Do all broken hearts eventually heal over time or are there some broken hearts that will never mend?

Unrequited Love

This post is is reply to a comment made on Can a man and woman be just friends?

Here's the comment/question:

"That brings up another question... can romantic feelings be felt by only one individual involved in a "platonic friendship"? And if so, why is that the case (is the other simply not putting as much heart into the relationship, or perhaps there are situations when two friends of the opposite sex can be close without feeling the need to take the friendship to the next level)? Also, if only one friend has the more romantic feelings, then what?"

First question: Can romantic feelings be felt by only one individual involved in a "platonic friendship"?

Yes.

However, this cannot be used to argue that there is a possibility of both people in the relationship not having romantic feelings because if such were the case, the relationship would quickly fall apart. The lover is the initiator in the relationship which leaves the one who is least committed to hold the power.

In an attempt to be a little less narrow-minded and biased on this topic, I went to the experts for help.

Here's what Wikipedia (definitely an expert ;)) has to say on the matter of unrequited love:

"A universal feeling, by some estimates affecting 98% of all people during their lifetimes, unrequited love has naturally been a frequent subject in popular culture. Unfortunately, movies, books and songs often portray the would-be lover's persistence as paying off when the rejector comes to his or her senses. The presence of this script makes it easy to understand why an unrequited lover persists in the face of rejection'."

Using my own personal examples, as I usually do, I can tell you that I've seen both sides to unrequited love.

I've been the person head over heels in love with someone, joyfully skipping down the street only to trip over a semi-truck that I had skillfully blinded myself from.

But I've also been the one to block the skipper. Without personally feeling that lack of interest myself, I would have a much more difficult time convincing myself of its existence.

Second question: Why are there platonic friendships in which only one member of the party is interested in something more?

Since transitioning from an intimate friendship to a romantic relationship is natural, there has to be something preventing that transition.

Or... if you want to use the line at the top of the post, "Love is friendship set on fire" so someone has either doused themselves in flame retardant or is in control of a water hose.

There have been several explanations given as to why this situation exists. One of the most popular explanations is fear. This is highlighted throughout the movie He's Just Not That Into You as different inserted clips throughout the film use flimsy excuses like "he's intimidated by you" or "he just got out of a relationship and is afraid to commit" or "he's afraid to ruin the friendship." 

So yes, fear is an option to answer why. Do I think it's usually the right answer? No.. I think fear may often be a factor initially in a relationship but if you're to the point of an intimate friendship that this post is referring to, such nonsense should already be eliminated. Sorry if I just offended anyone.

Another option is a low interest level. Maybe the person you wish would love you just isn't that interested in you. Maybe they just don't really care about you. That's a load of pish posh. That person is one of your best friends and probably knows you better than almost anyone else in your life. And do you know why they know all those things? Because they care. There's a reason that the two of you are such good friends. It's because they like you and like spending time with you. If they didn't, they wouldn't be in your life anymore. And here's another thing... in most one-sided love relationships all the "woe is me" is put on the one who loves but is not loved back. Such should not always be the case. Again, Wikipedia helped me out on this one:

"'There are two dark sides to unrequited love, but only one is made familiar by our culture' - that of the lover, not the rejector. In fact research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions on a par with those of the suitor, including anxiety, frustration and guilt. As Freud long since pointed out, 'when a woman sues for love, to reject and refuse is a distressing part for a man to play', and vice versa. The role of the rejector will often force them to 'feel morally repugnant and guilty'; and whereas the unrequited lover may always retain some hope, 'the rejector's potential outcomes are nearly all bad'."

So no, interest is not usually the key explanation as to why. Often it is that they want to love you but simply don't.

Scratch that. "Simply don't" is not the answer as to why that I want to go with. I do not believe that someone already involved in that intimate of a friendship can simply not love you back without a reason.

I think the answer to why this relationship exists lies a lot closer to what the non-lover is looking for in a romantic relationship.

Using the times in my life that I've been that non-lover I can tell you that it was not that I feared the relationship.. it was not that I did not genuinely care for the person-- in fact, I loved being with them. It was that I wanted to find someone who filled the quota for another relationship I had in mind. I have often gone about my relationships with the mind set that even though I care about this new person and love spending time with them and can see great potential in a romantic relationship, I block them out because they are not who I want them to be. I want them to be someone else I have already fallen in love with but of course they can never be that person. By doing this, I am not allowing this natural process from intimate friends transition into a romantic relationship even though such a transition should occur and has great potential.

It's not that I can't love them.. it's that I am harboring a mindset in which whether consciously or subconsciously, I have make the decision to not love them.

That's why you can't give a real reason for not matching a love interest-- because there isn't one.

The only reason you can give is that you chose to fight that transition so any other excuses are flaky at best.

Third question: If only one friend has romantic feelings, then what?

One thing is for sure-- you can't keep living on the hope that one will change their mind. It will destroy you.

Wikipedia: "In terms of the feelings of the hopeful one, it could be said that they undergo about the same amount of pain as does someone who is going through the breakup of a romantic relationship without ever having had the benefit of being in that relationship."

What then, do you do? This is your best, most close, intimate friend and you can't bear the thought of losing them. The thought of decreasing that level of intimacy in the friendship is more heartbreaking than the thought of living on the prayer that they'll change their mind..

So.. you learn to love them unconditionally. It's not an easy process. It takes time and work to learn to spend time with a friend you love but keep that love at a minimum. It takes control to watch them have feelings for someone else and not let your heart shatter every time they do. You have to learn to be friends, and just friends.

If you can't find happiness and satisfaction in being just platonic friends with someone while allowing your love life to move on beyond them, I would say you need to let them go. 

But if you can learn to love unconditionally and function normally once again as friends then I think you have something you should hold on to.

Can a man and woman be just friends?

I love this picture because I see myself captured in the girl's expression. It seems like more often than not I hug someone only to wish to never let go. Sometimes a hug just doesn't cover all I want to do and say.

Here's an over-asked question for my blog readers..

Can a man and woman be just friends?

If you would have asked me this six months ago I would have fought you down to my last breath that yes, indeed they can be. 

It was something I needed to believe at the time and have attempted to validate throughout my dating life.

However, after much time and consideration, my final answer is the exact opposite-- 

absolutely not.

Realize that when I'm talking about friendship I'm referring to the term friend as more than a casual relationship. I guess you could call my idea of this friendship as platonic in a way-- intimate and affectionate but not sexual.

If I was talking about casual friends I'd say sure, no problem.. I have plenty of male friends that I don't feel like there's any pressure from either party to take it to a different level and we can enjoy the time we spend together.

But I'm not referring to that.

Here's my main argument against the possibility of a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex without being in a romantic relationship with them:

The closer you are to them, the more intimate the relationship becomes which will lead to a desire for closer intimacy.

No matter the sex of my closest friends, they're the ones who I will share my thoughts and secrets with, the ones I'll want to stand side by side with to celebrate my happiness, the ones I will turn to for comfort and reassurance, and the ones I rely on for love.

Having this person be of the opposite sex naturally takes the relationship to a committal and romantic level.

I've found that if I'm not interested in someone of the opposite sex as a potential companion, I make sure to keep a distance between us and throw up a wall to prevent too much personal and intimate connection. 

I'm not saying you can't try to make it work-- just that you'll hit obstacles and will be continuously fighting against what naturally occurs:

"Whatever the challenges of male-female friendship, researchers agree that to succeed as friends, both genders have to openly and honestly negotiate exactly what their relationship will mean—whether sexual attraction is a factor and how they'll deal with it—and establish boundaries."

Maybe I'm being narrow-minded and letting my intense love for my friends cloud my judgment, but to me, if I really care about someone I'm going to want to be with them all I can and have them as part of my life in as many ways as possible.

And that's not exactly cohesive with being just friends.