My thoughts have been itching over this topic for the past few days and I'm near the point of mental panic.
I'm one of those people who falls for someone fast. I can tell you after one evening together if I'm hooked or entirely not interested. Within a couple hours I've made a personal commitment to either be willing to drop anything and everything for you or to ignore any further contact.
Every so often there's someone who I'll contradict my decision for but even with them, when it comes down to it, there is a very simple and obvious yes or no.
The problem with this comes in when the other person isn't one to give a quick and simple yes or no and throw themselves in all the way or not. Because of this the relationship turns into what I am going to call a 'riding the fence' relationship. It's not a bad thing that people do this.. in fact, it's quite typical.
One day will be the most perfect day of the week because you are convinced that for the first time in a while your hopes and dreams just might come true.
Then the next moment you're back to despairing over your nightmares.
It's a constant teetering back and forth along a narrow fence path.
Sounds like a typical dating lifestyle, ya?
And that's what it is supposed to be.. You're not supposed to make a serious marriage call on a first date-- go on a few dates first and get to know each other. Date several different people and date frequently.
But what about people like me who are very much all or nothing?
In order for me to not fall completely in love with someone when I start getting to know them, I have to manipulate my thoughts to become indifferent and stop caring. I have to constantly make an effort every single day to stop caring about people in my life because I am either not allowed to care that much or cannot handle loving them that much while they're riding the fence.
But indifference leads to an emotionless person.. It is characteristic of a girl who has so much attention that she simply nods as if one more person showing interest in her is of absolutely no importance. It pushes away those who are simply normal, dating, riding the fence people because they see someone who is snobbishly rude and simply doesn't care which is not at all true.
How do you halfway commit?
How is it that someone can be halfway between indifference and complete commitment?
I really don't know.
(Meaning, I will take any advice you would like to share)
Is there even a way?
Am I just kidding myself that some people can ride the fence without it causing them intense mental impatience like it does for me?
I get chastised fairly often for my inability to commit.
I decided tonight that commitment is not at all my problem..
I am dying to commit to something or someone multiple times every single day.
The issue is that there are few people or tasks that I both care deeply about and will match my commitment. What is the point of giving your heart when no one wants it?
So now I'm wandering through a lifestyle of constant indifference with a fear to let that change.
If you figure it out, let me know. I'm in your camp.
ReplyDeleteYou know, you are one of the very few people who can articulate thoughts that connect the logical to the emotional. Its nice cause I can't do that and it drives me crazy. I know what you mean. Kinda putting myself out here sense i usually don't post on blogs about this stuff, where all can read, but here it goes. (forgive me if it makes absolutely NO sense though)
ReplyDeleteIt seems to me there are a lot of different people. There are those, like you and i, who fall fast, those who like to take their time, those who don't want to fall and those who have absolutely no idea what is going on inside their heads. People can always be categorized and i'm probably missing a lot but i'll stick with those who fall fast vs. those who don't.
Ok, first. There IS a difference between cutting off your feelings and becoming indifferent and trying to protect yourself from pain. If you cut your feelings and become indifferent you also cut off communication which is kinda necessary when building a relationship. I'm not talking about not talking to the other person, i'm talking about all those subtle ques that we look for when talking, flirting and socializing with the opposite gender. You may not realize it but it actually does make a difference and we give different hints when we are trying to protect ourselves than when we are willing to put ourselves out there. I have seen it happen a number of times and it drives me crazy. Its hard to talk with someone who only half-way respond or who keeps their distance. At the same time, i've done it too. So, how do we put ourselves out there in trying to get to know someone or move forward with them and hope we don't get dunked in cold water instead?
comment continued.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things that has helped me the most is to have FUN. I get so worried about how i'm gonna act/react with a person i'm interested in that i forget what the heck i'm there for. I'm there because I LIKE them. And by golly if this thing isn't gonna work then i'm gonna have the most fun with them i can before they tell me so. It may not always work but it helps.
But then we ask, what do we do in the time between? you know, that time in between seeing them, where we worry and worry and worry and worry a little more; that its not gonna work or they don't like you or whatever!
Well, there seems to be three options. One we can ask them; but the funny thing about people who are "ready" to commit is that that same option is awkward and we don't really wanna ask it. we might be afraid of the answer or awkwardness. We can take the option most taken, to freak out until we see them again. Or we can try (note i say TRY) to enjoy it. Enjoy the fact that you are smitten with someone and plan for the next meet. (don't stalk too much) enjoy the fact and breathe because other than that, there isn't much else to do, that i know of.
Ok so we have that but time is still passing and we still don't know how they feel. It still on our mind and we're likely to still freak out. So challenge yourself. What do you know about this person? Why do you like them/why do you connect? will they help you grow in the future or is it likely you'll become agnostic or wishy-washy in life? I'm not saying convince yourself you don't love them, contrary i'm saying convince yourself you are but be cautious. There are a lot of great people in the world but there are also a lot of terrible or mediocre people who seem great until you spend long periods of time with them. Examine religion, how they treat others(especially the ones they care about) and just fun "what i like about this person" stuff.
Hopefully by the time all of this has happened time has passed and they'll know whether or not they want to proceed in a relationship.
I dunno. those are kinda my thoughts. Don't half-way commit. Commit to the fact you're trying to commit. keep doing stuff like that, even in long term relationships. cause it helps. prayer is a great way to help. He wants to know what we're feeling. even if it seems silly. Now a question for you. What do you do when a long-term relationship becomes a "ride the fence" relationship?
Thanks Matt. That was actually really helpful. And I think I'll answer your question with a follow-up blog post :)
DeleteI personally am a fence rider, so I can't fully sympathize; but I can only imagine how difficult it must be to go from whole-hearted lover to nonchalant dater.
ReplyDeleteMy only advice is to stay on that path full of love and commitment...even if you don't have anyone to commit to at the moment. Just make sure that you are riding a tandem bike on that path so that other riders (whether they be on the fence or on the same path that you're on) can see that you are ready to share the ride with someone else. I'm sure that someone can and will benefit from your deeply genuine and caring nature.
Okay fence rider, whoever you are, tell me more about this concept.. is your reaction to a date similar to mine, just on a much less intense level? You think 'yeah, that guy/girl seems favorably interesting and I'd like to get to know them better some time' or 'nah.. not really my type.' but it's just a side thought rather than a consistent reminder that you want to find out ASAP if the relationship is going to work out? Or, ya know, any other explanations you'd like to add.
DeleteBTW-- thank you for your comment. I enjoyed the content and your wonderful writing style.
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DeleteTo be honest, everyone interests me to a certain extent, so even those of whom I initially think "nah, not really my type" still hold potential. It's fairly rare that I come down off the fence, though. I personally need someone who is willing to come up to the fence and invite me to join them on the path of commitment. Until then, I'm just left to watch and wonder "what if?"
DeleteI'm not sure how many others feel as insecure and indecisive as I do, but in a society where there is a significant amount of pressure on the man to take the initiative and make the first move, there isn't much progress in the love life of a "fence rider". That's why I reiterate my advice to you to remain on the path that you're on... be a lover! That's what this world needs - individuals who have passion in their heart and aren't afraid to show it. I realize the "not being afraid" part is difficult... I may have come down off the fence a time or two. However, the times when I have gone for a ride (either with someone or after someone) have usually ended in me falling, getting run over, or just left behind. Sure I've become a better rider, but not without some bruises.
On that note, there will be pain, Amanda, no matter who you commit to. Let your ability to care for someone overcome both your and their fear of pain. In due time, there will be someone who likes your streamers and bell as much as you like their helmet and knee pads.
P.S. Sorry if my desire to stick to the analogy gets in the way of what I'm actually trying to say. If any more clarification is needed, just ask.
No clarification needed. That was a fantastic explanation. Only problem is that now I'm dying to know who you are.
DeleteJust a reader.
DeleteAre you the one who has anonymously commented on a couple other posts before this one?
DeleteNope. But I feel as though we are straying from the purpose of your blog. My identity isn't important.
DeleteHalfway commitment is very much like having a very loose friendship that is allowed to be what it is going to be without any hard restrictions. That said both parties will hopefully not over react if any hard feelings were ever stated.
ReplyDeleteYou're saying that just because someone doesn't make a decision right away about a person, or even rather quickly, they're a fence sitter. That's not necessarily true. Yes, those fence sitters are out there, but I think a lot of people, or at least a portion of them, simply take longer to decide. To decide what they think, what they feel, what they like, what they want, etc. I'm one of those.
ReplyDeleteI guess in some situations you would call me a fence sitter too, but sometimes I just don't know yet. Lots of times I don't know what I want to eat at a restaurant, or what I want to spend my day doing. For a long time I didn't know what I wanted to go to school for. When I meet someone it takes me a long time to decide if I really like them or not; to understand what they're like.
For me deciding and committing are hard. I am not going to commit to something until I'm absolutely sure I want to do it, that I am going to do it.