From Prada to almost Nada.. relationship style

This is a follow-up post to one from a week ago, Riding the Fence, which discussed a few thoughts on the desire for a committal/long-term relationship when one is in a riding the fence relationship.

I was asked for advice on a reversal of that process:

What do you do when a long-term relationship becomes a "ride the fence" relationship?

My initial thoughts went straight to a book I was reading last week in which Diane Vaughan has found a general trend in the process of breaking up, or uncoupling.

She defines the first step as The Initial Disclosure which includes unhappiness from one partner in the relationship which often displays as first a quiet mulling that transitions into various complaints towards the other partner, although not usually complaints of the real problems themselves.

The second step in this uncoupling process is known as Outside Involvements. This step shows up as one partner replacing time and focuses originally used for the other partner towards other things such as friends, activities, work, another love interest, etc. that exclude their partner. This often leads to a discovery of satisfaction outside of the relationship, thereby making it easier to end the relationship because of the reassurance that the alternatives are more appealing and available.

The final step is The Decision to Separate but I'm going to leave that out of this post because I find it unnecessary to my point.

To me, these first two steps describe the transition from a long-term, serious committal relationship to a more casual, undefined ride the fence relationship.

I'm not saying that if you see indicators of this in your own relationship that you are bound to separate, but they are steps that show up in a majority of relationships and need to be handled properly.

So, like my questioner asked, what do you do when this happens?

Any marriage or relationship counselor will tell you that you need to be making a constant effort to keep your relationship alive. Throughout the dating process and even after marriage, you should be consistently going out on dates with each other and making special efforts to show your love and affection for your partner. 

People need to be reassured. Not only do they need to be assured by their partner that they are still loved and cared for, but they need to have a self-assurance that they still care about their partner and are in love with them both then and now.

A couple years back my best friend bought a shirt that says, "I fall in love every single day" or something to that effect. That shirt is probably my biggest clothing envy because that phrase is something I try to live.

It should be the same with a relationship. You should fall in love with your partner again every single day. 

These daily events of falling in love don't have to be grand moments. They're often found in the smallest things. Yesterday I fell in love with some guy named Lucas who works for ASU recycling because I so thoroughly enjoy emailing him about switching out dumpsters. I have no idea who he is.. He could be some fat old guy who smokes and lets his butt crack hang out, but there was still a moment in my life when I fell a little bit in love.

One of the best (and worst) things I've done for a relationship was to begin a list of things that I loved about the guy I was dating. While I was creating the list it helped to build my love for him because I paid more attention to all the little things that I liked about him. Once the relationship ended it was harder to let go of all those things because I had pointed them out in my mind and made a list but now it is something I can look back on and appreciate.

So that's my suggestion as how to bring a once long-term relationship back to its full glory.

Keep away from casual and monotonous time together and make a consistent effort to renew your love for each other every single day. 

As you do this, it will bring the two of you closer, thereby breaking down walls when problems arise, allowing discussion rather than quiet mulling over unhappiness.

It will also increase the appeal of the relationship and raise the partner's desire which will help to prevent them from using outside involvements to distract themselves from the relationship.

Fall in love every single day..

Even if its just because someone opened the sun roof during a drive so you could look at the stars.

Even if its just from a simple comment that shows how much they care.

Even if its just them texting you from the shower.

Let those moments fill your relationship and motivation and teach your partner to value those moments too.

Fall in love.