A few fears associated with "love"

This post most likely applies to the general population of females but for the sake of being entirely correct I will personally take the credit for all of these thoughts and feelings.

I do not enjoy "falling in love." That is not the phrase I am looking for but it will suffice for the time being. I reallllly just don't. For me, it is a mental catastrophe.

Here are a few reasons why I dislike "falling in love."

1. I start psyching myself out that the guy doesn't actually like me (even if he has said that he does or obviously indicates that he does.) It is an insecurity of mine that I cannot actually believe that someone is as genuinely interested in me and enjoys spending time with me the way I do with them. I shouldn't need a constant confirmation that the guy actually likes me and its not just a pity situation but to be honest, I want one.
2. I am often on guard as to what my actions are and what I am saying. The guy doesn't necessarily cause a change in my actions but I am so much more aware of what I do and definitely do some things a lot more fashionably.
3. I do not want to lose the guy as a friend by changing the relationship into a new level that will fail. I believe that in the majority of situations, it is impossible to go back to a friendship after being romantically involved with someone and my fear of losing people makes me hesitate to do things that would jeopardize losing someone altogether.
4. I have a mental battle with myself over believing that the relationship could actually go somewhere in contrast to the hell my other relationships have turned into. Sure, I believe that at some point in my life I'm going to find that perfect guy and things will finally work out and we'll live happily ever after but in my mind that is always a fairy tale.. not something I can honestly tell you I believe could happen today.
5. I never know how much to get attached. I don't want to get too attached to a guy or an idea of a relationship working out if it will never make it very far. BUT I also don't want to lose a guy or that happily ever after because I was too afraid to put all my efforts into it. Which goes back to the whole pity-stalking idea in which I don't want a one sided, I feel like an annoying obsessed stalker crush.

This topic is something I could honestly discuss for hours but I'm tired so I'm going to sleep.

P.S.- I'm sorry if you are a victim of my love.

ADOREable

Yes, yes.... I realize I already have a post titled "Adorable." The thing is-- that word is growing on me. But it is actually a different version of the same root I'm interested in today. 

Adoration or to adore: love and respect (someone) deeply. 

It comes off as a bit less valley girl when you change it from adorable to adore. To me it seems to come off as more mature and permanent. 

Honestly, I'm not at all sure where I'm going with this.. and it is kind of hard to concentrate because there is a really annoying sounding lady that sounds like she is in high school talking.

People always talk about "falling" in love at first sight.. 

I'll be honest, there is one person in my life that from the first moment I looked at him I felt something and it turned out to be a really amazing relationship. 

But is that love? No..

I wonder though... is it possibly to adore someone at first meeting? 

I think so.

There's another person in my life who I had seen several times before who until I met him, I honestly did not like. I thought he was cocky and full of himself. 

However, from the first minute I actually started talking to him I adored him. Over time that adoration has grown and it amazes how much respect and ...... adoration I can have for one person. It is a good place to be in a relationship... not a crush. Not a heart throbbing love. Just someone I adore. 

And another thing to add... I don't like the phrases "fall in love" or "fall out of love." It turns love into something that cannot be controlled. Not so. 

An ideal kind of love: LDS family vs. Top of the Mormon Chain

This is going to be another one of those more serious posts so I would like to preface the real meat with a little bit of ketchup :) 

I'd first like to say that for a pretty decent percentage of you reading, you're mentioned, if not obsessed over in this blog. My stories are real. If you have an inclination that you may be the same person as Jacob Black or my COW or a serial killer or any of the other ridiculous theoretical characters in my blogs-- you're probably right. I like to keep it on an obvious down-low in order that you may either choose to ignore that fact that my sappy, honest, from-the-heart posts are about my love (or hatred) for you OR choose to accept the blatant love or cursings. But at least that way you have a choice and I come off as slightly less of a creeper. (although not entirely ;)

So onto the topic I've been brooding about these last few days. [Quick insert -> I kinda despise the term "brooding." It makes me think about PMSing chickens giving birth to an egg although I realize that is not entirely correct] 

LDS family vs. top of the Mormon chain

What does that even mean? Well, let me explain. 

In my church we are what we call "sealed" to our families. This is often done through a sealing/marriage in the temple but can also be done at other times too. The point of being sealed is that you are sealed (obviously) to your family forever. That means that when you die, you'll still be with your family in heaven. You never lose them. 

What does this have to do with anything?

Well, I am not sealed to anyone. I did not grow up in the ideal, happy-go-lucky family. I'm used to divorce. I'm used to anger. I'm used to fighting. And by "used" I mean commonly affiliated with, not okay with or normalized to. 

Due to that part of my life, I decided a long time ago that I wanted.. no, not wanted... AM going to have a family that is forever. 

I wanted to marry a perfect little mormon boy who had the perfect little mormon family in which everyone is happy and loves each other and always smiles. 

Yeah, this kind of family. 

You get the idea.. you've all experienced this family lifestyle or seen it at one point in time in your life. 

However, the more I grow up and the more I meet new people and learn about their stories, the more I realize that the world does not necessarily work that way. I'm not saying those families don't still exist... I'm just saying that sadly, they are the extreme exception.

The people that have for the most part educated my mind in this topic are actually here at EFY. Several of my session directors are what I'm going to call first generation LDS families. They are the only ones (or close to the only ones) in their families who are members of the church. They come from homes that are not necessarily bad, but different than what I had always imagined. 

One of the guys here made a comment along the lines of, "why would any girl want to marry me with the kind of family I have?" My first reaction was that he was being entirely ridiculous. Who wouldN'T want to marry him? He has a crazy family- even crazier than mine. It took me a minute to think about his reasoning behind saying that.. and I realized I've thought the same thing. I'm not saying I don't still have a great family. It's just that I don't have that ideal family that most people seek out. 

And after further thinking.. I realized I really didn't mind the idea of marrying into a crazy family. I honestly think that maybe that's even what I'm supposed to do. Let me walk you through my main reasoning for this conclusion-- first off, I have some experience with crazy families. I've had practice and learned how to handle a variety of situations. Second, I seem to understand people differently than the general population. I can look at a situation and analyze it before I start freaking out that it is something I am unfamiliar with or uncomfortable with. It is easy for me to love people for their differences. I'm not saying I am unbiased and free from judging and criticism... I'm not. I know that. I'm just saying that maybe it is a little easier for me to not do so. I can understand that everyone is a child of God- whether they are the prophet of the church or the drugged out homeless woman in the park. They're still people. They still have experiences and feelings and dreams. 

I'm not saying I will be a first generation LDS family.. I'm just saying that I'm entirely okay with that. Maybe even prefer it even if it could turn out to be a more difficult situation.

But what is life without challenges?

Nothing. 

Lifeless. 

‎"We are all a little weird and life's a little 

weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love." ~ Dr. Seuss

Two things that make you can't help but love me

I'm catching up on a list of partial blogs so forgive the randomness all at once. 

There are two things (along with a few more) that people seem to notice a lot lately. 

The first thing I never realized I did until fairly recently. Apparently I cannot make eye contact.

It's a little bit of an issue. When I'm talking to people I'll look down-- usually in the chest area which makes things awkward when I have little EFY girlies who I can't keep eye contact with. Catch my drift? 

I've decided it is because I feel awkward making constant eye contact. Like really.... its awkward. It is.

So my plan to remedy this situation? I stare at one eye. Then the other. And back and forth and back and forth. It's screwing up my concentration of actually listening to the person but at least they don't keep freaking out because they think I'm looking at something on their shirt. Or, ya know.. that region.

The second thing I've become fairly notorious for is sarcasm. I absolutely love being sarcastic and rude. Not to the point where it is actually mean or creates a negative feeling but as a joke. I realize that even in a joking situation sarcasm can be degrading so I try to watch out for that. 

Why am I sarcastic? I think it is a way for me to vent cheerfully. It comes naturally now without even a second thought. If someone asks me a question that I'm obviously going to reply yes to then instead I reply "no." I get a small amount of appreciation from each reaction as I defy being "normal" (again, whatever that means) and throw some of my rebellious humor into a simple conversation.

Judge not

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”  Paulo Coelho

JUDGING: to form an opinion or conclusion about.

I have always been confused as to the topic of judging and what exactly it means and what makes it good or bad. 

People constantly judge. It is something we must do. We judge in all sorts of areas-- not just people but at the moment my focus is going to be on judging people.

One phrase I find pointless is "Don't judge me." Well of course I'm going to judge you. It is how you get to know people and understand them. 

I just feel like the term "judging" is always given such a negative connotation and I disagree. There is negative judging when you are forming an incomplete opinion about someone without a true understanding and willingness to reevaluate your view. But judging for the most part- it's just what we do.

Do the creep!!

Creeper: A person who does weird things, like stares at you while you sleep, or looks at you for hours through a window. usually a close friend or relative. you know right away if that person is a creeper or does creeper things. it is not hard to spot the creeper. urbandictionary.com

What makes someone a creeper?

Well, a lot of things. I would know. It all started with... well, I don't know actually. Perhaps it began with my first Teen Elect with that kid I've had a thing for since 7th grade. Perhaps it began with Luigi one year during Roadshows. Perhaps it began with my junior high photo albums, half of which are filled with candid pictures of the same boy. Perhaps it began with high school drive-bys back and forth each night past the same houses. Perhaps it began with viewing everything oncertain people's profiles. EVERYTHING. That's right-- I know when you first joined Facebook. How do you discover that? Read their wall allll the way back to the beginning.

And the funniest part is I'm still creeperin' on the same person I have been since 7th grade.

But that is currently irrelevant.

So---- let me explain something. There is a difference between being a creeper and taking place in the action of creepering.

I see creepering as fairly normal. Everyone creepers a little bit to find things out about people they are interested in. Everyone has that someone that they like more than the general population and therefore spend more time and focus more on them.

But being a creep-- it is when you take harmless creepering and turn it into excess obsession. There is a point when you need to take a step back and check to make sure your creepering effort is NOT flooring the scales against a returned attraction or interest. It is when you far past push the limits of balance between two opinions that you turn yourself into a creeper.

The difference between something being creepy or adorable (see previous post) basically comes down to how much the other person likes you back. The more the person likes you back and the more developed your relationship is means the more you can be creepering. If you have a new relationship and/or are unsure of the other person's status-- keep the creepering to a bare minimum (or at least don't ever let them know just how much you are creepering).

I'll throw out a theoretical story to demonstrate one of my greatest insecurities. Theoretically, there was a girl who didn't like making choices and therefore allowed her romantic relationships to develop on their own without decision on her part other than the decision to not decide. You're allowed to read that over a couple times until it makes sense. But then one day.. this girl.. theoretically met a guy who she didn't have to make a decision about. The answer was obvious-- she was crazy about him. And lucky her, theoretically, he liked her back. So she made a move-- something she had never done before. Something entirely out of character. Poor boy. Theoretically. If this were to have actually happened. And then she went through the mental battle of over-analyzing and wondering if she came off as a creeper. Did she tip the scales too far? Who knows.

Let me throw out a few indicators that come up as red flags warning that you are indeed a creeper--
...the person doesn't text you back or waits extended periods of time to finally return your message
...they are suddenly occupied with events in their life leaving no time for your plans together
...they become increasingly quiet (secretly hoping that you'll bore and eventually lose interest)
...they mention someone else they are interested in or that they have plans with that person
...they stop showing up places in which you would typically and usually do expect them
......

To wrap things up-- here are my points in writing this post:
1. Creepering is acceptable on levels equal or fairly close to the interest of the creepee. NOT acceptable when you're going overboard with a baby relationship or an entirely uninterested relationship.
2. I thought I had more points but honestly-- #1 is the key.

I don't know what will theoretically happen with the theoretical pair.

I don't know if anything will ever become of my 9-year crush.

But keeping the creepering in balance is ALWAYS a good idea.

Let's not freak people out.

At least pretend to be "normal."



Whatever that is.


.

C.O.W.

Crush Of the Week

C.O.W.

I actually had this topic near the end of my list of desired blogs to write this Friday evening while I'm camped out listening to giggly girls

But something changed

I gave up on short term crushes a while ago so the interest of having "cows" while I was at EFY was not something I was interested in 

I was here to meet people that raised my standards and expectations of what a good LDS YSA can be and are.

Not to waste time on pointless crushes. 

But there was a boy who I found interesting and as soon as my girls knew it became a constant reminder

He dropped in my eyes and this last week I was excited to leave the drama 

Unfortunately (or possibly fortunately, even), on occasion I fall slightly in love with guys when I dance with them

And I happened to be teaching waltz at the Tuesday night dance this week

My girls said I blushed. That my eyes sparkled.

Apparently he reacted the same way.

Maybe. 

I have been boy crazy for so long and had my heart broken enough times that I try not to hope anymore. 

That sounds depressing so let me explain..

If I am interested in a guy I try to cut out the analysis of whether or not he likes me back and if things were to work out... blah blah blah...

That way, I build the relationship I want with them if things progress and I also don't get bits of my heart chipped off if I hope and dream of something that doesn't even exist.

So what happened tonight that changed? I happen to be my cow's cow. 

It's really quite simple and you may just say, so what? It is an EFY counselor crush. Temporary. 

That's not the point. Even if it never reaches past tonight I'll still love it for the same reason.

What reason? Well, it was a simple situation-- no drama. No fights. No lies. 

Just good fun-loving happiness. 

I barely remember what it felt like-- it has been so long. 

And maybe, just maybe, I am dreaming a little bit. 

Maybe I am imagining a happy future.

And maybe, there is a right person at a right time with the same views as mine.

Maybe.

But if not- I still can't stop smiling.