Ruining Lives

There is very much a theme in many entertainment series of self-hatred for one's selfish choices.

It's seen with Harry Potter when he is always putting people's lives in danger and he constantly whines that he is ruining lives. It's seen with Bella Swan when she can't choose between Jacob and Edward so there are pages on how no matter what choices she makes, she's always hurting someone. It's seen with Katniss Everdeen who is in love with Gale but plays the role of an obsession with Peeta and throws out the same sob story as Bella:

(taken from Mockingjay)

"It takes a long time before I get to the bottom of why I'm so upset. When I do, it's almost too mortifying to admit. All those months of taking it for granted that Peeta thought I was wonderful are over. Finally, he can see me for who I really am. Violent. Distristful. Manipulative. Deadly."

I've had the beginnings of a post started on this topic for a while but I never really knew where I wanted to go with it until today. Today when reality was too much to process so I took a much needed nap.

I hate the theme outlined above. I see myself in it and I hate admitting that. I hate being a whiny Harry Potter or a heart breaking Bella/Katniss. And yet.. it is a defining point to who I am.

I'll try to keep this short. 

When we meet people in life, we categorize them. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we rate them and place them somewhere on a scale of importance and worthiness in our lives. 

There are people in my life who I am horribly cruel to. I joke about them behind their back. In my mind, I place myself higher than them. I am unbelievably rude, yet I still play innocent and kind.

And usually, I can get away with it.

Oh... Amanda is this sweet innocent little Mormon girl who doesn't know any better who would never purposefully be such a pain in the..

Right.. totally naïve.

With some boys, I am a shameless flirt. Or as a friend told me today, a shamed flirt.

It's not always intentional but there are enough times that I know quite well the role that I am playing.

My issue is that I have enough of a heart and care about them enough to let them know I am not interested in a serious relationship. I try to be fair and warn them of my potential cruelty, but sometimes I wonder if that is just a way to ease my conscious from my actions that will almost most certainly follow.

While I have the heart to be fair initially, I've been known to quickly become bipolar.

I like feeling important. Irresistible. Wanted.

And my shameless flirting after I have made my intentions clear is quite the contradiction.

But it gets me a shallow mockery of what I really want.

The guilt for my actions eventually catches up to me. One thing I pride myself in is my ability and the effort I make to understand people. Because of this, I feel that I often have a fairly deep emotional connection with my friends. Therefore, not only do I know what they care about and how they feel, but I care about and have emotions for those feelings too. That's why when I'm faced with situations when those I care about jump into a fight or I discover they're getting deployed, my heart breaks a little bit and I come close to totally losing it. At those times I am suddenly granted with a compassionate side that wants nothing more than to wrap them in my arms and take away any anger or pain.

But like I said, the guilt catches up to me. I can't hardly believe that I am so heartless as to play a game back and forth for my own ego. These are people that I know and love, yet I'm able to separate those emotions and play the jerk to an entirely separate person I have created in my mind.

So as much as I hate the whiny, "I'm ruining everyone's lives because I'm so selfish" lines.. I get it.

I guess it's time for me to grow up and raise my personal standards.

Here's to having a heart always.. not just for when I don't want the attention.

Aye carumba. I'm sorry.

Rest

After spending one of the best weeks of my life free in the outdoors, I'm feeling entirely confined, pathetic, lonely, and stressed to the max once again back at home.
Needless to say, I haven't accomplished much since my return.

There are a couple things I want to write about that I have been pondering on the past couple days and one of them is the word REST.

Rest: 

verb- cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself, or recover strength

noun- an object that is used to support something

The term rest has never meant much to me until this past week.
You see, I realized that what most people in this world are seeking for is rest.
More specifically, a spiritual rest.

I had many very special opportunities to have deep and personal conversations with a few people this past week.
And when those people let their guard down and shared what they want more than anything else in this world, they wanted rest. They didn't choose the term 'rest' specifically, but they shared a desire for a higher being to guide us through this world. They shared a desire for complete and total trust towards another individual. They shared a desire for peace and understanding.

Isn't that rest? A certain peaceful state of mind that gives us confidence and strength and buoys us up when we're not strong enough to do everything ourselves..

I'm not sure how to say this without sounding entirely arrogant and prideful, but..
I have that rest.
I have that peace in my life.
I have that reassurance and trust and support.

And people want it.
They want my pure, naïve, innocence.
They want my glow of happiness.
They want my confidence.
They want my ability to trust and love completely.

That feeling of rest in my life comes through my belief in God.
I believe in a divine God watching over me and guiding me to where I need to be in my life.
I believe that no matter how much goes wrong, life will eventually go right.
I believe that people can heal-- that wounds turn into scars that will always be visible, but never need to bleed again.
I believe that all the pains and heartaches I've ever had or will have can be comforted and taken away by the love of God.

There are a few people that I spent time with this past week that I have formed an inexpressible love for.
More than anything else,  I want them to be happy. I want them to feel that love and comfort and healing that I do.

I don't want to change who they are. I don't share what I believe religiously because I necessarily want someone to become Mormon so that I can marry them or so they can be like me.
I share what I believe because I want them to find the rest that I have found.
I want to share the priceless knowledge that I have with them in order that they may find happiness.

It breaks my heart when those I love throw up walls against learning about my religion simply because they are not interested in being Mormon or even religious at all.
That is not my goal. My goal is to share with you the thing in my life that has made me happier than I ever imagined I could be. I want to give that opportunity for happiness to you because I love you.

The idea of the "rest of God" is all over the scriptures-- the Bible, the Book of Mormon.. wherever you want to look.

Turn to God to seek for that rest. Find that peace and comfort in your life and use it to fill any void of confusion and pain.
I'm not begging you to become Mormon.. I'm just begging you to let yourself be more fully and completely happy in your life.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Tell me your secrets.

Curious,

Amanda

The Honest Truth

The other day I was looking for one of my favorite quotes which happens to be by Dr. Seuss-- something along the lines of, "You know you're in love when you can't sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams"

I couldn't find a picture on Google Images of that quote that I liked and actually fit at the top of my FB timeline so I resorted to the quote above instead and I must say, I like it quite a bit.

It goes along with another quote on my bedroom wall that says:

"In a world where you can be anything... be yourself."

I've spent a lot of time pondering on this subject the last few months. It has led to the questions:

Who am I?

Who do I want to be?

Do I act like myself?

Is how I act who I really am?

...

..

.

Just.. those types of questions.

I'll probably get into those in another blog post but my thought right now pertains specifically to being and acting and saying exactly who you are.

As I've immersed myself in relationship books and conversations and thoughts, I've come to realize just how extremely important trust is. 

And just how very much trust I don't have in people.

I thought I did.. I thought that some of the people I felt I was close to in my life I trusted enough to be entirely honest with them.

The more I break down my relationships, the more I realize how many secrets and insecurities I hold.

How amazing would it be if we could actually be ourselves? If we could let down all the guards and walls we put up and simply say and act how we want to without the fear that it won't be enough for someone else or that they'll be disappointed in us?

What if we could tell people exactly what was on our mind and what we thought of them and what part they held in our lives?

What if we could simply kiss someone every moment our love for them was too much to express in words?

What if we believed that who we are really is what the world is looking for? That we don't need to always be controlled and perfect? 

And most importantly, what if we believed that who we are is enough for ourselves?

What if we could love every part of who we are and therefore accept that someone else could love every part of us too?

Here's the thing.. what kind of life is a life lived by "what if" questions?

It is empty.. full of indecision and insecurity.. leaving those who don't matter to tell us who to be.

So here's the solution:

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

This is easier said that done.. It is not easy to tell someone the truth. It is not easy to share what you honestly think about them. It is not easy to make a decision. It is not easy to fill your time with what matters to you rather than catering to the masses. 

But it is possible. 

And what greater achievement than living with the peace and freedom that you not only know who you are, but you are who you are. Who can say that they are actually honest with themselves and the world?

You can.

Week 1: Peace

Peace:

--freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility--

As I have pondered on this word throughout the week I've focused on a couple different aspects.

The first is thinking about peace as the opposite of stress.

I'm one of those people who stresses like crazy. A good portion of the time I try to not let it show but I get stressed out to the point that my muscles ache and I make myself physically sick. 

As I have made an attempt to embody the word "peace" in my life I've tried out a few stress relieving methods.

When I feel pushed for time or late, I sing a calming song.

When I think so much my mind is going to explode from complicated secrets, I tell the truth.

When I feel overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to get done, I focus on one small aspect rather than my huge list.

When loud group gatherings reach the point of making me antsy, I take a break.

And it has worked-- I can temporarily relieve my stress level and get what I need to accomplished.

But peace is not just about being in a quiet spot and slowing things down.

Peace is also about accepting things for how they are and being okay with them.

Peace with ones self.

I have found a lot of peace this week in looking at aspects of my own and others' lives with a more mature perspective with an attitude of understanding rather than denial.

As we are accepting of circumstances and choices, we are able to stop fighting and surrender ourselves to a feeling of peace.

And who doesn't need a few minutes of that each day?

Midnight Moments

I realized an intense love of mine this weekend--

It's one that I've thought about off an on for the past couple weeks but this weekend sealed the deal in my mind.

I love midnight talks. 

Moments when you're 1-on-1 with someone and your walls are down and you can simply relax and share who you really are and learn who someone else really is. 

It seems that these types of talks occur a lot more often later at night than they do during the day. There's something about the atmosphere that late nights bring-- you're relaxed, most likely in a place you feel comfortable, and even though this may sound stupid, I like that it is dark so that you don't have face to face confrontation. It is a lot easier to talk to someone that is next to you rather than in front of you.

Midnight talks can occur in many different situations-- driving in a car, walking down the street, laying in sleeping bags in a cargo van.. 

It is during these talks that people can actually open up and share a bit of their real self with you. They're far more vulnerable but there's an unspoken trust that you'll protect their secrets just as they will protect yours. 

How fantastic is it to spend one night talking into the wee hours of morning and feel like you actually have a small grasp on who this person is and can see so many of the perfect and complicated things about them?

I think that's one of the big draws to alcohol-- to help break down those walls so that you can be yourself and have those moments but it seems to me that these moments occur naturally anyway. 

I just.. love seeing a genuine side of people. I love forming that relationship in which you build this trust that you are enough to simply be yourself and that is what people are looking for.

I love the honesty-- being able to learn so many things and then share what you see in someone.

It gives me hope.

Dreams vs. Nightmares

My favorite word is DREAM. 

I like the way it looks. I like the way it sounds. I like the meaning it embodies.

Dream:

a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep

a state of mind in which someone is or seems to be unaware of their immediate surroundings

a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal

an unrealistic or self-deluding fantasy

a person or thing perceived as wonderful or perfect

I took the liberty of bold(ing?) the words in the definitions I felt were key.

The way I see my dreams-- they are a part of my subconscious, during sleep, that pieces together what makes me the most happy-- to the point where it becomes an unrealistic fantasy. 

Notice that I did not say "create." Ever notice that often we dream about people we already know, places we've already been, things we've already done?

Notice how the perfect person you're about to kiss right before you wake up is faceless?

I'm not saying it's impossible for our mind to create something entirely new-- I'm just saying it is more likely that our dreams are pieces of the things we enjoy most, compiled into a fairy tale.

So then, what is a nightmare?

Nightmare:

a frightening or unpleasant dream

a terrifying or very unpleasant experience or prospect

a person, thing, or situation that is very difficult to deal with

A nightmare is the negative of a dream. It still has the same characteristics but rather than embodying our joy it dwells on our greatest fears and worries and stresses that we have experienced in life, of which we don't know how to solve.

I'm still trying to decide if I'm a fan of dreams and nightmares. I love to sleep-- for me it is an escape. A break from when I feel absolutely overwhelmed. If I'm sick or frustrated over homework, my first solution is sleep. It usually works-- I wake feeling better and ready to get back to work.

But.. in the past couple years of my life, I've found sleeping to be an even more intense collision with reality. Like I said-- dreams and nightmares take the best and worst and then amplify it. 

Last night was a perfect example for me-- my dream was a mixture of a good friend and her family, ballroom dancing, falling in love, rain, and feeling completely free.

I can see it as a mockery of my life or a hope of what can be.

My nightmare was the exact opposite-- I was alone and shut out by someone I love deeply. The best twist was an overlaid voice and line from my past that has haunted me for a long time, replacing my present. 

My nightmare took my present day fear and incorporated an old memory.

So do I let that shut down my life or do I accept it as only a nightmare?

The conclusion I've reached so far is that even though my sleep mocks my life, I'm grateful for the complete and brutal honesty my sleeping subconscious provides-- even when my conscious locks it out.