Ruining Lives

There is very much a theme in many entertainment series of self-hatred for one's selfish choices.

It's seen with Harry Potter when he is always putting people's lives in danger and he constantly whines that he is ruining lives. It's seen with Bella Swan when she can't choose between Jacob and Edward so there are pages on how no matter what choices she makes, she's always hurting someone. It's seen with Katniss Everdeen who is in love with Gale but plays the role of an obsession with Peeta and throws out the same sob story as Bella:

(taken from Mockingjay)

"It takes a long time before I get to the bottom of why I'm so upset. When I do, it's almost too mortifying to admit. All those months of taking it for granted that Peeta thought I was wonderful are over. Finally, he can see me for who I really am. Violent. Distristful. Manipulative. Deadly."

I've had the beginnings of a post started on this topic for a while but I never really knew where I wanted to go with it until today. Today when reality was too much to process so I took a much needed nap.

I hate the theme outlined above. I see myself in it and I hate admitting that. I hate being a whiny Harry Potter or a heart breaking Bella/Katniss. And yet.. it is a defining point to who I am.

I'll try to keep this short. 

When we meet people in life, we categorize them. Whether consciously or subconsciously, we rate them and place them somewhere on a scale of importance and worthiness in our lives. 

There are people in my life who I am horribly cruel to. I joke about them behind their back. In my mind, I place myself higher than them. I am unbelievably rude, yet I still play innocent and kind.

And usually, I can get away with it.

Oh... Amanda is this sweet innocent little Mormon girl who doesn't know any better who would never purposefully be such a pain in the..

Right.. totally naïve.

With some boys, I am a shameless flirt. Or as a friend told me today, a shamed flirt.

It's not always intentional but there are enough times that I know quite well the role that I am playing.

My issue is that I have enough of a heart and care about them enough to let them know I am not interested in a serious relationship. I try to be fair and warn them of my potential cruelty, but sometimes I wonder if that is just a way to ease my conscious from my actions that will almost most certainly follow.

While I have the heart to be fair initially, I've been known to quickly become bipolar.

I like feeling important. Irresistible. Wanted.

And my shameless flirting after I have made my intentions clear is quite the contradiction.

But it gets me a shallow mockery of what I really want.

The guilt for my actions eventually catches up to me. One thing I pride myself in is my ability and the effort I make to understand people. Because of this, I feel that I often have a fairly deep emotional connection with my friends. Therefore, not only do I know what they care about and how they feel, but I care about and have emotions for those feelings too. That's why when I'm faced with situations when those I care about jump into a fight or I discover they're getting deployed, my heart breaks a little bit and I come close to totally losing it. At those times I am suddenly granted with a compassionate side that wants nothing more than to wrap them in my arms and take away any anger or pain.

But like I said, the guilt catches up to me. I can't hardly believe that I am so heartless as to play a game back and forth for my own ego. These are people that I know and love, yet I'm able to separate those emotions and play the jerk to an entirely separate person I have created in my mind.

So as much as I hate the whiny, "I'm ruining everyone's lives because I'm so selfish" lines.. I get it.

I guess it's time for me to grow up and raise my personal standards.

Here's to having a heart always.. not just for when I don't want the attention.

Aye carumba. I'm sorry.