He's Just Not That Into You

A couple of my friends and I have a deep appreciation for the movie He's Just Not That Into You. We laugh over it. We quote it jokingly. We watch it every so often during our "we're-single-so-instead-of-dating-we-just-stalk-boys-and-hate-on-them" nights. 

When shopping for the perfect Christmas gifts this past season I happened to walk past an innocent-looking copy of the book that the movie was based off of sitting on a shelf. It took me less than a second to throw it in my cart and watch over it protectively for the remainder of my shopping trip. I gave it to my friend for Christmas with the condition that after she finished it, I wanted to borrow it and read it too. It's been sitting on my book shelf collecting dust for the past couple weeks because I haven't found any real desire to read it just yet but after an evening of studying material for an online Women & Sexuality class, I ran into the living room to retrieve it and have been feverishly reading it and copying quotes out of it since. 

To be honest, its rather disheartening just how much I've gotten into this topic of failed relationships. 

It's become an obsession of mine these past couple months-- attempting to explain and grasp the relationships, past and present, in my own life. I search for answers over and over and over again and formulate new theories and thoughts and plans while still being submitted to the same dreams every single night, no matter how much progress I make consciously. 

Each chapter in this book gives an example of an obvious situation in which a man shows "he's just not that into you."

I didn't read every chapter. Just the ones that sounded potentially interesting or that may have value to my own life crises.

The book is written mainly by Greg with end of chapter "Here's why this [concept] is hard [to accept] notes by Liz.

Chapter 1:

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out: Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

I'm horrible at playing along with the rules in this chapter.

Why?

Because I like to avoid dates. 

I am terrified of going on dates with guys that I don't already know really well and even then, I'm not entirely myself. You see, I like feeling like I'm in control of a situation. If I am somewhere I feel entirely comfortable and with people I feel I don't have to win over, I'm quite the performer. I'm bold and sassy and quick to throw out witty comments-- no problem. But on a date, when I am not the one calling all the shots, I sort of shut down. I'm getting better at not doing this but truth is, the story of my dating life is filled with me asking guys on dates when I decide I want to go out with them. I'll never say no to someone if they ask me out, but I've had enough guys fall for me immediately that I'm not too afraid of someone telling me no, even if I have no faith in it lasting long term.

This becomes a problem when taken in context of this book. I don't trust men enough to believe that if they want to date me, they will. Logically it makes sense, but no, it is not something I want to believe.

Also, I hate the idea of giving the reigns to the general population of men as to where they would like to initiate points of my dating life.

True, I do have some control as to where I want to meet new men and as to whether or not I make myself available, but I like having absolute control in which I don't feel the need to question what's going on and constantly fill my mind with complicated plans.

Here's some quotes I pulled out of this chapter that I found particularly interesting:

Greg: "Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. 

Greg: "Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one."

Greg: "When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be. I know it's an infuriating concept-- that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. 

Liz: Here's why this one is hard: "Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don't know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. ...... But now Greg is telling up that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. ....... We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan."

Liz: "It's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic."

Chapter 2:

He's just not that into you if he's not calling you: Men know how to use the phone. 

I don't like accepting the idea that a guy is not even close to as interested in me as I am in him. I realize that, as a girl, I go overboard in my thought processes when it comes to the world of romantic relationships. I try to make this thought process more rational. So.. rather than expecting a guy to call me or send me a text message telling me that I'm on his mind 5 times a day as I myself would like to do, I try to be accepting of any indicator at all. But this also becomes a problem because at what point is the guy just a total loser that is showing a below acceptable amount of interest? I don't want to overreact because he is not showing the same psycho amount of interest as is constantly pulsing though my mind, but I also don't want to be groveling for the unworthy.

Again, quotes:

Greg: "We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy. Just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you." 

Greg: "Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want." 

Liz: "It's not easy to find someone you like and are excited about. And you always want to believe that the men you do meet are honest and kind and have your best interests at heart. And when you see the first glimmer of potentially bad behavior, you first hope more than anything that it's not what you think it is. And you want to make sure you don't overreact, punishing him unjustly for some other guy's mistakes."

Chapter 3:

He's just not that into you if he's not dating you: "Hanging out" is not dating.

Well doesn't this chapter just highlight perfectly the line between spending a lot of time with someone who is of potential interest to you verses someone you actually like?

Meh.. not really.

The more time a guy spends with you, the more he likes you romantically. False. No matter what the ladder theory says, sometimes he just isn't into you that way. This can be immensely confusing! Easy solution- call for a DTR. Oh my goodness what could ever be worse than a DTR? Well, it depends. If the guy actually does like you, then awesome-- a DTR will mostly go just fine. If he really is just full of it and wasting your time, a DTR is going to be the most awkward and heart breaking moment in your day. 

Back in the day (not long enough ago) I was the psycho girl who wanted all the answers and looking back on that period of my life, I'm a little bit afraid of just how boy/love crazed I was. Problem is, I'm still like that in a lot of ways. I think that most girls are. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know if a guy likes you and where the relationship is going. My problem now though is, I'm too scared to ask. Why? Because I'm afraid that if I force him to stop for a second and think about me, he's going to pass me up. As pathetic as this sounds, right now I am living in a way that shows I would rather be miserable always wondering than losing the guy I'm interested in all together. I not only doubt that I deserve someone so amazing, but I doubt that he believe that I am good enough to be in his life. Is that absolutely ridiculous? Yes, yes it is but also, no. So many girls have that insecurity that unfortunately, has been abused by guys far too many times.

Greg: "Oh, how easy it is for you all to forget what it's about! Let me remind you: It's about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more." 

Greg: "You have every right to know what's going on between you and someone you're knocking socks with. And the more confident you are that you deserve that (and much more), the more you'll be able to ask your big questions in a way that won't feel heavy and dramatic, I guarantee you." 

Liz: "So what if in the beginning [of a relationship] or a while into, it's a little vague? Who wants to be that crazy girl who needs to know exactly what is going on the minute she meets a guy? You want to be the cool girl-- the girl who knows how to hang out and not be all demanding. The thing about that cool girl is that she still gets her feelings hurt. She still has reactions to how she's being treated. She still hope he'll call, wonders when she'll get to see him again, and if he's excited about being with her. I hate that." 

Liz: "I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved."

Next chapter:

He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you: When men like you, they want to touch you, always. 

Surprisingly enough, this is the chapter I found that I related with the most. 

It speaks of two of my greatest fears in a relationship- 

1. I'm so afraid that a guy will not be entirely honest with me. This stems from various trust issues through my life but truly, I want to date someone one day that I will know for sure that he loves me. It's happened once before in my life and that relationship has been a solid reminder that trusting someone to tell me the truth is entirely possible. I especially worry when it comes down to guys avoiding telling me that they're not into me. I get that it is a difficult thing to say, but then at least I'll still trust you.

Here's a quote to back that fear up:

Greg: "I hate to tell you this, but some of these men will simply not be attracted to you. I know you're hot but that's just the way it is. And every single one of these men that are not attracted to you will never ever tell you that. Oh, the things they'll say... they're scared, hurt, tired, injured, sick, scared (again). But the truth is simple, brutal, and clear as a bell: If he were into you, he would be having a hart time keeping his paws off you. Oh the simplicity of it all! If a man is not trying to undress you, he's not into you." 

And this note w. reply also correlates: 

Dear Greg, 

   I had a boyfriend ten years ago, I bumped into him on the street recently, after not having seen him for many years, and we start "dating" again, even though it is unclear if that' early what's going on. He won't kiss me or make a pass at me. But, Greg, we're going salsa dancing, we're going barhopping, we're staying out late, talking and dancing and laughing and flirting. He keeps telling me how great I look, how great it is to see me. One night he even told me he loved me and hoped I'd always be in his life. My friends all say he's just afraid to get hurt again and I should stick this one out. He's a great guy. Doesn't he seem really into me, but he's scared? Salsa dancing, Greg, till four in the morning. Salsa dancing. Please advise. 

Hey Salsa, 

   I'm a dude. If I like you, I kiss you. And then I think about what you look like in and out of your underwear. I'm a guy. That's how it works. No ifs, no ands, and clearly no buts. Is he scared? Yes, he's scared of hurting your feelings. That's why he hasn't clarified the relationship. He may even be biding his time hoping he will develop deeper feelings for you. When this dude tells you he loves you and that he hopes you never lose touch again, he may as well be signing your yearbook. He loves you as a friend. If he were in love with you, he wouldn't be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences. I say, move on! Go meet someone more worthy of your affections and hot salsa moves. 

2. I am totally and completely uncertain about the physical side of relationships.

I love holding hands. So unbelievably much. I'm one of those people that has developed a love for being close to people physically. I didn't used to be like that. I used to be the girl that jumped any time someone touched her because I was so unfamiliar with the idea of being physically close with someone. I love sitting close enough to someone so that we're touching or walking close to them or sharing a twin sized bed. It's something that is very reassuring to me and when I am not allowed to be physically close to someone, brings me a great deal of anxiety. 

I also love kissing. You can easily say I'm a kissing slut with the guys I date. There's nothing I love more than to kiss the guy I care about and then cuddle into his arms. 

However, its when you take it to the point of making out (gag) or cutting off the majority of a physical relationship at all that the uncertainty kicks in. Who wants to be the one in the relationship to say, "hey, I don't actually enjoy getting this physical with you" or "hey, I actually really would love to feel that its an option to kiss you whenever I feel like it."

I doubt anyone's going to raise their hand to volunteer for that role.

And then there's the doubt that seems to always come from any physical relationship. It can be questioning if the reason you're not "getting some" (EFY version) is because you're not nearly as hot to trot as you thought or wondering if the guy is really just more into your body than he is into you.

I've found that I'm mostly okay on a very low physical relationship. After more time than I'm proud to admit of allowing boys to more fully appreciate my body than I'd like, the idea of just holding hands is entirely refreshing. To a point.

Liz: Why this one is hard: "Well, duh. It's about sex. Talking about sex. Asking about sex. Asking for sex. Jeez. That's really fun. And I don't know about you, but I would much rather believe, any day of the week, that a man is too scared, too stressed, too sad, too spiritual, too angry, too fat, too crazy, too in love with his ex-girlfriend, too scared, too sensitive, too sunburned, too in love with his mother, too homicidal, too anything, than find out that he's really just not attracted to me. Or that he doesn't want to have sex with me because then it will mean we're in a real relationship, and actually he doesn't really like me that much. It's extra confusing because we're talking about sex (embarrassing) mixed with emotions (mortifying) mixed with our own insecurities (nightmare)."

Liz: "Because it's such a psychologically complex issue and talking about it is so excruciating, I would almost be able to settle for the relationship with the guy who only likes sleepovers, or the boyfriend with the presumed low sex drive. I mean, he still enjoys my company. I might be able to sleep next to the guy who has stopped wanting to have sex with me, without saying a peep. Or keep dating the guy who seems to want to be my boyfriend but doesn't seem to have any interest in ever seeing me naked. I might even be able to exist in a peaceful marriage with a wonderful man who is more like a best friend than a husband."

Liz: But...... if a woman is not okay with those things (as she should NOT be)... "That means I have to be the type of girl who is going to ask the guys the mortifying questions, and worse, who might break up with a really great guy if he just doesn't want to have sex with me enough or at all. But all I can say is that I suffer from the affliction of believing I can have a wonderful man love me and be wildly attracted to me." 

Last chapter I will quote: 

He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you: "I don't want to go out with you" means just that.

I am the queen of dumping guys.. I've dumped someone over FB chat. I've dumped someone over text messaging. I have dumped someone in the week between their baptism into my religion and Valentine's Day. 

Yes, I've been cruel.

Truth-- In my history of men, there has only been one that broke up with me.

And I didn't take it well. 

Rather than entirely going to pieces, I lived on the hope that he would change his mind. On the hope that some day he would realize that the reason he enjoyed spending so much time with me was because I made him happy and that that happiness was what a relationship is-- you spend your life looking for someone who makes you truly happy and I wanted him to see that I was that person. I lived on the hope that as inadequate as I felt next to him, that I was somehow enough. 

Problem is, there wasn't really an answer in this chapter as to how to accept that he's just not that into you. The answer is simply that you have to accept. 

I don't like that answer.

I much prefer the fairy tale that my mind likes to weave in which any guy that I want to be into me that isn't will be my exception. 

This book constantly emphasizes that we must live as the rules to these principles and not the exceptions.

But that is easier said that done when the world is feeding you these fairy tale exceptions and your closest friends are telling you "but he is different! Maybe it will be like so-and-so when they kept breaking up and getting back together and now they're happily married with two children. Yes, I know I'm feeding you an exception story, but this could be you!" 

Why fight that when you want so desperately for it to be true?

I love Liz's explanation of this since she is so adamantly on my side--

Liz: Here's what's hard about this one:

"Oh, I don't know, how about loving someone and being with them and knowing their family and friends and every inch of their body and never having felt this way before and feeling like your whole life has changed for the better and compiling hours and days and weeks of happy memories and thinking you'll spend the rest of your life together and then finding out that in fact he doesn't even want to see you.....tomorrow. And so is it so wrong to wait around looking for a glimmer, a ray, a sign of hope from him that perhaps he has second thoughts about it? That perhaps he has come to his senses and realized you were the best thing that ever happened to him, that no one will ever be as good to him as you were, that he won't find anyone whom he can connect with on such a deep and profound level and who understands him as much as you do? Is it so wrong to continue to talk to him, see him, bake him cookies, buy him presents, burn him CDs, feed his fish, talk to his parents, call up his friends, break into his voice mail...just kidding. But seriously, is it so wrong to handle a breakup in a classy, mature, loving manner, where you keep in contact and talk and remain friendly and perhaps go to the movies on occasion? And would it be so terrible if perhaps the by-product of that classy mature behavior is that he comes to his senses and realizes you were the best thing that ever happened to him? Would that be so terrible? I don't think so. I think it's a smart, scrappy plan that shows a fine combination of wile and maturity. I can't believe that in the history of mankind and breakups, it has never ever worked. What is wrong with these men?" 

Liz: "I don't know about you, but I hate being single. I hate going to parties alone. I hate sleeping along. I hate waking up alone. I hate knowing that every single boring errant I have to do, I'm going to do alone. I hate not having sex. I hate cooking for one and shopping for one. I hate going to weddings. I hate people asking me why I'm still single. I hate people not asking me why I'm still single. I hate my birthday because I'm still single. I hate having to think about possibly becoming a single mother because I'm single. Have I made myself clear?"

The conclusion:

To conclude, when it comes down to it, every recipient of an uninterested partner simply must admit to themselves that s/he's just not that into you. 

We have to live with the hope and the faith that we indeed are enough. That even as the "rules" rather than the "exceptions" we will still find that perfect someone who will make all of this hell worth it. We must have the determination and courage that there is a person out there who wants us who was the reason in the long run that you never subjected yourself to "settling" for the ones who broke your heart.

Greg: "It's your life-- how dare you not have faith in it! The only story that has ever helped me live my life successfully is the story of faith; I believe that lie will turn out will. More fervently, I believe that you have no other choice than to believe that. I am writing this book, and women will be reading it, because we are all tired of operating from a place of fear. You want to believe that you are better than all the crap you've been taking from all these men all these years. Well you are. You are an excellent, foxy human being worth of love, and the only way you can pursue that idea is by honoring yourself. At the very least this means ridding your world of dudes who are not worth and setting a standard of excellence in your daily life. Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. I'll believe it for you until you're ready."

Liz: "What woman, really, couldn't use a man in her ear, reminding her that she's smart and valuable and worth and gorgeous and deserving of everything she ever wanted? Not a one." 

The End.