Internal Explosion.

There are moments in life when you wish to simply stop and let go. 

Moments when your system is so overloaded on pain and stress and confusion and hurt that you react in a way different than you would in a more average situation.

This happened to me tonight. 

I did something so incredibly stupid and the results were traumatic enough that I reacted in a way entirely unforeseen by myself.

I practically exploded. 

My mind simply could not handle the situation which resulted in a non-stop stream of disbelief pouring from my mouth.

Which is not at all what I expected.

I sought out a specific person for a hug-- something to hold my breaking pieces together.

That was the plan.. to hold myself together long enough to reach them where I was then allowed to fall apart. 

Fall apart where I was safe.

But when that time came, I couldn't do it. 

As much as I felt I needed that display of love, I could not allow myself to follow such action.

I couldn't let the world see how much I was hurting and quickly changed my experience from a traumatic reality to a dramatic story. 

And I faked it. 

I smiled and laughed at my own stupidity because leaving myself susceptible to the truth and the potential dangers it possesses are beyond my strengths at the moment.

But there are always the nightmares to subdue the pain.

With their arms wide open.