Loneliness is the Ultimate Poverty

For most of my life I thought I understood what it meant to be alone. 

I believed being alone meant increased productivity, quiet evenings reading a good book, and nap time, any time. And I loved being alone. 

Spending most of the past few years alone, I've slowly come to recognize that a large part of the anxiety I feel in my life is originating from the same thing I've always attributed to happiness.

I now realize that being alone is a two-sided card.

Paul Tillich explains this well stating, 

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

What creates this difference?

It’s the depth of relationships we have with those around us.

While we are physically separated to be alone, our levels of emotional connection with others is what dictates whether being alone results in a feeling of solitude or loneliness.

Those with deeper relationships are more likely to feel the joy of solitude when they’re alone because of the security that comes with knowing they have people in their lives who they consider close companions.

Those lacking deeper relationships are more likely to feel the pain of loneliness when they’re alone because there’s not someone to provide the security that you are not just a line in a notebook of sketches.

In fact, most of the time loneliness doesn’t require being physically alone. Seeing our separation from others while we’re with them often cuts much deeper than thinking on it later.

 

Let’s take this one step further—Have you ever asked yourself when being alone changed from the joy of solitude to the pain of loneliness?

I have.

And here’s my answer:

My perception of people changed and, more importantly, I changed.

The older I get, the more I understand exactly who I am and what I want. I’m no longer satisfied with a casual social life. I see the people around me more clearly—both their good attributes, but also their flaws. Through all of that, I’ve become less willing to settle for anything surficial and/or artificial. I want something deep and personal but my heightened awareness has make that difficult to come by.

My reasons are some among many that create this void called loneliness.

So what do we do about it?

The first step is to realize that God is always there to fill that space.

He loves us and knows us deeper than any person on this earth ever could.

As we accept His love our void of loneliness is filled.

Now, this doesn’t mean that we don’t need to have deep relationships with other people, we do. However, our relationship with God will provide the nourishment we need every moment of every day as He guides us to additional sources of connection and love.

The best way to find love,

to fill our voids,

to be whole,

is to find God. 

Earthly Relationships

I wrote a short post a long time ago called Why Do I Like You? 

Over 4 years later, I now have a lot more to add.

Using the earth's layers as a model, I've condensed relationships into 4 areas.

1. Crust:

Person has x,y,z qualities which makes me like them.

These relationships are surficial and constantly changing, often just a momentary recognition of attraction before we move on with our day. While these are the relationships we encounter the most, they never reach significant depths.

2. Mantle:

I like who I am because of Person's x,y,z qualities.

This is the thickest layer of relationships- people we enjoy spending our time with because we like who we are around them. These relationships make us feel connected.

3. Outer core:

Person brings out quality attributes in ourselves.

This level of relationships not only brings companionship, but advocates an improvement in ourselves. It raises us to a higher standard through love.

4. Inner core:

Person loves me completely, therefore I love completely.

This relationship is absolute acceptance. It is at the very core of who we are and creates a solid center, radiating itself to our entire being.

How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex, and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps

About a year ago everyone's Facebook walls were spammed with article titles proclaiming bold, catchy topics. I fell especially in love with an article titled How to Get Flat Abs, Have Amazing Sex and Rule the World in 8 Easy Steps and highly recommend reading it for your own personal, refreshing slap of motivation.

(READ THE ARTICLE BEFORE YOU READ THIS BLOG POST!)

I'll be re-listing the 8 main points outlined in the article, adding my own thoughts and words of wisdom.

#1: Stop believing your B.S.

How often do we define ourselves by the things we lack instead of allowing ourselves to feel empowered by the strength we hold?

One of my favorite book/movie characters is Minny from The Help. She's one of the most ballsy characters I've come across, yet each night she comes home to an abusive husband. At one point in the story she asks why he beats her and gets this reply:

"If I didn't hit you, Minny, who knows what you'd become." Leroy

We're constantly beating ourselves down with B.S. we feed ourselves that we're not rich enough or brave enough to try something we've had on our bucket list for years. And that B.S. keeps us "safe" in a familiar, comfortable lifestyle we've already deemed acceptable. It also keeps us from letting our true selves grow into anything more.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God..." ~Marianne Williamson

In the words of one of my heroes,  Dieter Uchtdorf, "...rise up and become the person you were designed to be."

#2: Be happy now.

Excuse me, have I checked off enough things in my life that I have permission to be happy? 

Am I pretty enough, rich enough, have worked hard enough that I'm allowed to smile?

Who has claim over my emotions? I do. No one else can or has the right to make that decision.

You're not happy? Stop it! 

Why make your day blazé or miserable when you have the option to be happy instead?

Its your choice.

"Those who stand at the threshold of life always waiting for the right time to change are like the man who stands at the bank of a river waiting for the water to pass so he can cross on dry land." ~Joseph B. Wirthlin, 

Ain't nobody got time for that.

#3: Look at the stars.

(picture by: Marc L. photography)

What better way to take time to stop, step back, and appreciate the bigger picture than star gazing?

Living in a world constantly slammed with busyness, its important to remember that what might be consuming your life really isn't such a huge fiasco after all.

#4: Let people in.

We've all been hurt. We all have emotional baggage. 

Our society as a whole has trust and commitment issues. 

Yes, its easier to be all on your own. 

Easier. Safer. More predictable. 

But the deeper, more meaningful, most beautiful parts of your life come when you step outside of the safe world you'd often like to hide in. 

Letting people in to your life, being vulnerable, that's what makes you feel alive.

#5:Stop with the crazy making.

Why would you ever make something more complicated than it needs to be? 

Don't you have enough crazy in your life?

To avoid this follow the Four Agreements:

1- Be impeccable with your word.

2- Don't take anything personally.

3-Don't make assumptions.

4- Always do your best.

#6: Learn to apologize.

We're taught to apologize at a young age. I know that as a child, if I did something wrong toward another person I was required to tell them "I'm sorry" and hug them. Why then is it so difficult as adults to do the same thing? Pride. We're so caught up in our own greatness that to admit we aren't perfect can be a very difficult thing. However, its on our list to true happiness.

There's a few different ways we can apologize. 

5 Languages of Apology

1- Expressing regret

2- Accepting Responsibility

3- Making Restitution

4- Genuinely Repenting

5- Requesting Forgiveness

Sometimes you just have to get some cojones and go for it.

#7: Practice gratitude.

Speaking of humbling ourselves, how about gratitude to get us in the right mind set?

Gratitude shifts our attention from dwelling on the negatives and past to seeing the good and looking to the future. It is an enabling force that promotes service, compassion, and patience, along with many others things bringing joy into life.

#8: Be kind.

Kind (adj.): showing sympathy or understanding; charitable.

Kindness is something that may seem one-directional but is actually a cycle that enhances our lives more and more. And not only our lives-- but an infinite amount of others' lives too. The decision to be kind not only lifts our own spirits but the world around us. 

Stop looking for easy, temporary thrills.

Do the works and change your life.

Forever.

The Companionship of the Spirit of God

The companionship of the Holy Ghost is something that the LDS church talks about quite frequently. There is a focus on "feeling the Spirit" in order that you may gain a testimony of the truthfulness of gospel principles. As you make good choices you allow that pure Spirit to be a guide in your life and you will know by its witness that the scriptures you are reading or the prayers you are saying or the talk you're listening to in church holds truth and spiritual value.

But what about the less religious aspect of having the Holy Ghost as a companion? 

I've been told through my life that as we live righteously we invite the Spirit to be our constant companion but that was never a concept I understood until a few years ago. I understood the idea of feeling the Spirit while I was at church or praying or reading scriptures, but how could I feel the Spirit when I was playing games with my friends or sitting through a lecture at school? That simply did not make sense to me.

I learned how to have the Spirit's constant companionship while I was a counselor at Especially For Youth. I spent five days a week constantly teaching teenagers about the gospel and other life values or being taught myself whether by an instructor or one of my own kids. 

This structure in my life provided an environment in which is was very easy to feel the Spirit. All I had to do was be aware that it was there. 

During the summer I came to realize that I needed that companionship. I simply could not survive without it. You find very quickly that as an EFY counselor you're constantly exhausted but your job requires you to be full of energy. You run out of patience but it's only the first night and you still have four more days left. Your child is having an emotional break down and you have to know the right words to say. 

I couldn't do all of those things on my own. No matter how much I gave it my all, I just could not do it. 

 That's where the companionship of the Holy Ghost comes in. You see, not only does the Holy Ghost give you spiritual revelation and assurance on religious matters, but He serves as many other things.

When I could not stay awake through a class, I could pray and ask for a blessing to stay awake. And somehow, I made it. Somehow I got up each morning and was able to conquer another day.

When I discovered one of my kids with a handful of mental difficulties wandering down the hall in the middle of the night after lights out I was able to smile and patiently take her back to her room.

When one of my girls hit a personal low in self esteem and was crying in her bedroom, I knew what to do and say.

That's not me. Anyone who knows me well will tell you that when I'm tired, I forego all responsibilities and go to sleep. When my patience is tried, I will walk away because I can't handle the situation. When someone is hurting, I'm a lot more likely to bring you some ice cream than I am to offer words of comfort because I simply don't know what to say.

So to me, that's what it means to have the Holy Ghost as a companion. It is something in my life that when I fall short, I have a divine influence who teaches me all that I need to know.

Some other ways to discern when you have the Spirit is if:

-You feel happy and calm.

-You feel full of light. Your mind is clear.

-You feel warm inside.

-You feel generous.

-Nobody could offend you.

-You feel confident in what you do.

-You wouldn't mind everybody seeing what you're doing.

-You feel outgoing, anxious to be with people.

-You are glad when others succeed.

-You want to make others happy. You bring out the best and say the best of others.

-You gladly and willingly perform church service. You magnify your callings.

-You feel like praying.

-The commandments are a challenge, not a burden.

-You feel in control of your appetites and emotions: food and sleep in moderation, sexual restraint, diversion that is wholesome, calm and controlled speech, no anger..

-You're glad to be alive.

Here are some words associated with the Holy Ghost:

revelator, comforter, reprove, guide, power, gift, testify, teach, sanctify, reveal, fills with hope and love, enlighten, peace, communicate, discern, enable, assist, edify

Lots of the time we don't even realize that we are being filled with all of these wonderful things. I was once told that,

"The Spirit is like air. It is always surrounding us and we're breathing it in but when it is gone it is an uncomfortable gasping for air."

The companionship of the Holy Ghost is not just for church meetings.
It is not just for weeks at EFY.
God has given us the GIFT of the Holy Ghost to be our constant companion in every minute of every day. Let Him teach you. Let Him comfort you. Receive that divine power.

I am grateful for the understanding that I have of the Holy Ghost and His role in my life. I am blessed daily to receive divine love and knowledge and it has changed me for the better in ways I didn't even realize were possible.

Let the Holy Spirit guide.
Let Him teach us what is true.
He will testify of Christ.
Light our minds with heaven's view.

What I Wish I'd Known (and am still learning)

1. Pursue your interests.
If you are attracted to something, act and give it a place in your life. It doesn't need to be sensible or mainstream. Just go for it! When I chose my college degree I selected Chemical Engineering based on my academic strengths and financial goals. Almost a decade later I've finally realized that my passion for traveling IS an option for a career. Whether you're selecting a career or filling in free time, believe that focusing on things you're passionate about is what will bring the most joy. Stop worrying about others' expectations and spend your life devoted to things you love.

2. Use it now.
Whatever "it" may be, use it now! If you've been saving a new item of clothing, your favorite treat, or a good joke, use it now. There is too much goodness in this world to be constantly putting it on hold. Appreciate what you have and then show that appreciation by using it.

3. Be friends with change.
Change happens. As creatures of habit, we often attribute change as something uncomfortable and unwanted when we should be looking forward to new beginnings and opportunities. The past might have been great but the future holds many untold adventures. Allowing change is the best way to discover ourselves.

4. Be Prepared.
From emergency kits to a hidden stash of cash to pre-prepped meals, being a step ahead will save you from a lot of trouble, typically without requiring a lot of work. We live in a world with high demands and instant rewards but two flat tires, invalid credit cards, and indigestion from nothing but fast food for a week seems like a high and unnecessary cost for not doing a simple amount of preparation.

5. Intelligence is not rated on a grade scale. 
Realize that intellect comes in many forms and is displayed several ways. Someone might have a few diplomas hanging on their wall but can they reconstruct the wall they're placed on? Do they conduct themselves well in a variety of social settings? What have they noticed and learned about the people and world around them? We often scrutinize their personal resume yet miss the bigger picture.

6. Be brave. 
The most influential person in our lives is ourselves. Stop listening to your flimsy alter ego and man up to being your true self. Every moment you let yourself believe you're not strong or sexy or ambitious is a moment you're wasting your incredible potential. You choose who you are and if you don't like something, change it. It is entirely up to you. In addition to being brave enough to try new things, also be brave enough to walk away. Know that you can leave. If you don't like someone or a situation: run, don't walk.

7. Condense.
Get rid of your crap and stick to the basics. The best times of my life have been living out of a backpack or suitcase when I spent less time choosing which of my two pairs of shoes to wear and more time being part of the world around me. We like to think that having more stuff will make us happy but the truth is it leaves you with less money, less space, and a lot of cleaning. It is better to have one or two things you love instead of 10 things you put up with. For instance, stop buying those cheap 200-count cotton sheets from Walmart and invest in a nice bamboo set. It will change your life.

8. Work is your best friend.
Work should make you happy. Working means you are making progress, becoming stronger, and learning more. Vacation has its own places in our lives but it is achievement that instills a fulfilling sense of happiness. Learn how to work hard and appreciate the satisfaction that brings.

9. Take advantage of free.
Think back on your happiest memories. Did you buy happiness? There are so many things to do and experience in life that are absolutely free. Take advantage of those options and you'll most likely end up a lot richer, happier, and feeling less like a robot.

10. Smile. Your best, most attractive, and natural look requires you to smile. But don't smile because its required-- smile because you found a thousand reasons to be in love with living today. Smiling is not only an indicator of happiness but a method to bring happiness, both to yourself and others.

Unlike Ke$ha, Value Isn't Spelled With a "$"

Fact:

Just because something is worth money doesn't mean it necessarily has value.

While the term 'value' often denotes monetary worth, it also describes value as something of importance and usefulness. I think about all the trinkets I've owned in my life: Swarovski crystals, expensive rock specimens, name-brand clothing, etc... and I realize that while they were worth hundreds of dollars, they had absolutely no value to me. None. Zip. Zero. However, I kept all of these items, gathering dust for years on end, despite my disinterest, simply because I thought they had value. 

I'm sure we've all owned similar items. The thought process goes a little something like this: 'I am the new owner of [enter value-less item here]. It dictates to others that I am superior. I have set a standard of excellence for the world to see my new found supremacy. People will treat me better, respect me more, and I will rise socially due to the presence of my new object.'

Okay, so maybe you don't sound quite that haughty but if you've ever succumbed to the pressures of society, *especially* a First-World society, you know exactly what objects you have in your own possession to which I am referring. And I admit, sometimes the possession of these objects may benefit you in the long run but the majority of the time, such is not the case.

Keeping value-less items is irrational.

Why would you invest space and time in something that means very little to you? 

Let me introduce a concept called sunk cost fallacy.

Sunk cost fallacy, put simply, is investing in something that does not, and will not, ever have value. Or, as Wikipedia words it, "throwing good money after bad."

Years ago, I bought an expensive pair of shoes at a black market in Mexico. Once I got home I realized these shoes were too large, uncomfortable to wear, and didn't match anything I owned. A rational person would dispose of them. Did I? Absolutely not. Those shoes sat in my closet for years gathering dust before I finally came to terms with the fact that I was never going to wear them. 

"How could you be so irrational?" you might ask. 

It's simple: sunk cost fallacy.

You see, I had invested money into these shoes. I invested time shopping for them and hauling them to my home hours away. I had good intentions for these shoes and had sacrificed a lot of energy into transferring them into my possession. 

Sunk cost fallacy.

I believed that those shoes had value and I wanted to extricate that value from them.

Sunk cost fallacy.

What a waste.

Let's look at this in terms of a relationship. How many times have you witnessed or been the person to stay (or return) to someone for that same reason? Yes, you invested your time, energy, money, love, etc. for them. They have learned the quickest way to make you smile and the way you most love to kiss. They know your deepest fears and how to piece you back together again. They are your greatest and most intimate investment.

But do they have value?

Are you choosing them because you don't want to waste your large investment?

Are you holding on because it seems like a smaller cost than starting over?

Are you throwing good time, energy, money, love, etc. after something that will never have value?

Sunk cost fallacy.

Think on it.

*Disclaimer: I am not advocating a lifestyle in which any time something is difficult you abandon ship and jump on another. What I am saying is that when there is absolute certainty that things will never change, it is rational to come to terms with the situation, put on your big girl panties, and move on.

A Silent Prayer

My life is often a fairy tale
A story too good for words
But time and time again I fail
And dwell instead with turds

A girl as beautiful as you
Must be something more
Yet I'm falling apart on cue
And slamming another door

The people who I love in life
For them I kneel and pray
But dwelling at times on strife
I push them. "Go away."

And so you see at the end
My heart is very lonely
I try once more to not offend
Pleading, "Please, God. If only."