During the middle of my busy summer I had a couple hours free on a Saturday and went with a few friends to see Brave at the theater. My complete exhaustion became apparent when I started bawling the moment I was afraid the mom wasn't going to turn back into her human form. If you haven't seen the movie (spoiler alert!), the mom and daughter don't get along and the mom gets turned into a bear. During this time the daughter and mother are able to work through their frustrations with each other and develop a close relationship.
I really liked this idea of unintentionally developing a love for each other. When they were both human, this love was forced but by creating a situation in which they had to depend on each other in a world separate from their normal lives, this bond developed naturally.
It isn't every day that someone in your life turns into a bear but there are relationships that build in this way all the time. For me this past summer, I was able to develop very close relationships with a few guys because we worked together as co-counselors at EFY. Our jobs worked as a distraction, taking away developing a relationship as a main objective and allowing the agenda it provided to be our focus while that love and relationship naturally grew on the side.
It's totally the same thing as hanging out with your bear mom.
I copied down a line I liked off of HIMYM a few months back onto this post:
"Friendship is an involuntary reflex. It just happens. You can't help it."
I like that idea.. that when you're not trying to force something, especially something as important as friendship, it develops naturally and beautifully.
I also like the twist I added to this post today while looking for an image to go with it---
We can love by learning to see someone perfectly instead of only looking for perfection in the first place. I'm far from perfect and that's why I need others to take the time to see my imperfect self perfectly and love me for that.
As I assess this concept in my own life I am able to add my own amen! to it validity. There are a couple people who I tried to force a loving relationship with which ended in failure. Once those alternative activities entered our relationship I was suddenly able to work by them side-by-side as a friend and learn to love them so much deeper than I could before.
Whether it's your mom or a co-counselor or one of your closest friends that you never knew you could love so much, it's a great way to develop that relationship with them.
I just wanted to update everyone on some big news-- I'm moving to Ningbo, CHINA in February!
I'll be there until June teaching English during the week and traveling on the weekends with a company called International Language Programs (ILP).
Let me explain a little bit concerning how I got to this point. This trip is something I've had on my mind for the past couple years but never felt like it was the right time to disappear from my life here for 4 months. I was going to school and had always been determined to finish my bachelor's degree in 4 years even though I switched majors half-way through. And I did it. I completed my honors thesis in April and then finished my last class at the beginning of the summer. My entire life I intended on serving an 18-month mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints after I graduated from ASU. My senior year I started dating the guy who changed that life plan. Things didn't work out and once again I became committed to the idea of serving a mission. However, before I did so I decided to go ahead and spend one more summer working for the Especially For Youth (EFY) program. During the summer my plans of going on a mission felt less certain and I felt impressed that I needed to be home for this Fall semester. I didn't know why but it was something I needed to do so I came back home from the summer with no real plans for my life. I didn't feel like I should be putting in mission papers. I didn't want a geology-related job that I'd just spent 4 years in college working towards. I just knew I was supposed to be home. My answer as to why came much quicker than I had expected and our dating relationship began effortlessly. That however, also fell through so once again I have reached the crossroads at my life with no one but myself to tell me where to go. In my mind, I have nothing keeping me at home anymore. That's how I got here.
The why of this trip is another matter entirely. I started this post with the intention of writing about my love for traveling and experiencing new cultures and people and adventures. How I crave being outdoors and being part of something new and beautiful. And that's a big part of the why of this trip. The trips I've been on, especially the ones where I felt I really got a glimpse into the culture and people, are some of the most rewarding moments of my life. However, if I'm going to be completely honest, the other half of the reason I'm leaving is because I'm running away. I'm scared of my life and who I am. I'm scared of facing reality. And I'm lost. I realize that disappearing for 5 months won't solve anything but it will give me a chance to separate myself from most of it and get a new start. It will be a time for me to learn and grow and figure out a plan for my life while experiencing and enjoying and giving to my new life in China.
I can't even express how excited I am to jump into something so completely different and new, especially for such a long period of time. I can hardly wait to see how far I can push myself in anticipation for incredible results. I plan on keeping regular updates about my life on this blog, just as I did when I went to the U.K., in order that those who love me may share in my experience and growth.
I fell in love with this line when I saw Captain America in theaters. It also makes me hate the ending of the movie so much more.
I love the way it captures the idea of a simple love.
-------------------------------------------------
I started this post over a year ago and what is written above is as far as I've ever gotten with it. I've probably looked at it 50 times, trying to decide where I wanted to go with it, looking for some inspirational thought, always coming up blank.
Now I know.
As I was swinging back and forth on a barstool Saturday night, roommates all gone, silent except for old-fashioned love songs by Frank Sinatra and The Carpenters, surrounded by candles, eating Nerds and burning my mouth on delicious hot chocolate, editing pictures and dancing around the kitchen.. I was text messaging a friend who offered someone she knows for a NCMO. After I messaged back that I was done with NCMOs for a while, the message of Captain America's words made so much more sense.
It occurred to me that my reply was the first time that I was entirely content. I wasn't looking for a NCMO or clinging on to the past or worried about the future. Like Captain America, I discovered that I was finally at peace. Much has happened in the past few years. Good things and bad things but looking back now, they "don't seem to matter much." They were important at the time but something has clicked and I'm entirely content to wait for "the right partner."
And isn't that how it should be? You have so much drama but hopefully some day you will reach that point when none of it matters anymore and you know exactly what you want and are ready waiting for it.
And unlike the stupid ending of Captain America, you actually get the girl.
I felt a desire to write a little bit tonight but didn't find any drafts that I was particularly interested in at the moment so I thought I would share some thoughts on gratitude.
10 years ago the current president and prophet of my church (Monson) gave a talk called An Attitude of Gratitude and I really like a couple paragraphs and would like to share:
"This is a wonderful time to be living here on earth. Our opportunities are limitless. While there are some things wrong in the world today, there are many things right, such as teachers who teach, ministers who minister, marriages that make it, parents who sacrifice, and friends who help. "We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues." ~Thomas S. Monson
I really like the idea of First World Problems in the sense that I can jokingly point out people focusing on the negative without hurting their feelings. There is so much to be grateful for but we're often trained to focus on the things that are wrong instead. How often do you hear '50% of marriages survive' instead of '50% of marriages end in divorce'? Just like someone who is 25% black or indian affiliates themselves with those races, we focus on the minority. There could be 95% right about a situation but the part we spend our time talking about is not praising that 95% but complaining about the other 5.
Here are some of the 95% things (and much lower) in my life that I am grateful for:
-a car that runs, gets good gas mileage, and that I never have to worry about someone stealing -the mouse I caught by hand in my living room and now get to watch instead of having to pull it out of a trap -gray sweat pants that are the most comfortable article of clothing I've ever owned -a cell phone to send out PG booty-call texts -my family who makes me feel like I somehow fit in this crazy world -my friends who tell me about my life as it is -a college diploma that fills a spot on my bookcase and keeps the shelf dust-free -hydrochloric acid that keeps me entertained when I'm walking along a boring limestone contact -blackout curtains that make me sleep in until 10 and feel like I'm in WWII -What's Your Number for unplanned nights when I need to believe in untraditional love -PopTarts that offer me sugary carbs with little to no work required -my camping gear that has never let me down, even on the coldest, wettest nights with the rockiest ground -you. People reading my blog who answer my cry to the world that I need to be heard
Have a great Thanksgiving.
Focus on the good percentages, even if they too are the minority.
I think everyone, girls especially, see little pieces of their lives in fairytales-- that's what makes them so appealing, that they could be you.
My Disney princess I used to identify with was Ariel.
She was young, naïve, and ready for a different world. She didn't really belong where she was and no one understood that she needed to be somewhere else.
My life has changed, like everyone's does eventually.
I just took a Disney princess horoscope quiz to see what princess I am and I got the result of
Alice: "Alice may be full of imagination, but that imagination comes from being observant, analytical, and a skeptic of what she sees."
I've never liked Alice in Wonderland. I think it is a bizarre story that should be used for studying, not for children.
I do, however, very much like Rapunzel and it is her story that I want to share thoughts about.
Our main introduction to Rapunzel's character is during the song When Will My Life Begin as she goes through her daily routine. This girl is incredible. She has such a pure, unselfish personality and has become proficient in doing so many things: reading books, cleaning the tower, sewing, knitting, painting, candle making, ventriloquy, pottery, chess, ballet, paper-mache, baking, darts, puzzles, guitar........ and yet, it is repetitive and she's not going anywhere. She's stuck in the same tower doing the same things over and over and over again. They're good things and she's developing a lot of really great skills, but viewing the big picture, she's stuck.
To use her exact words:
Stuck in the same place I've always been And I'll keep wondrin' And wonderin' And wonderin' And wonderin' When will my life begin?
This girl is doing everything she is supposed to but she's reached a point where she can't go further in her life without someone else. This is where the smoldering Flynn Ryder comes into the picture.
Rapunzel: "Who are you and how did you find me?" Flynn Ryder: "I know not who you are or how I came to find you but can I just say.... hiiiii"
Their unlikely meeting is comical and entertaining but it starts a very new chapter in Rapunzel's life, both for herself personally and for the two of them together.
Flynn's a little boyish and carefree but they reveal pretty quickly into the movie that he has a genuinely good character beneath all of that.
The next part I want to add to this story is a conversation between Rapunzel and her "mother." I think its one that most of us have heard a time or two (minus the blatant emotional abuse). I know I have. Rapunzel is falling in love but the fear is that Flynn is only in it for the crown. And in a lot of stories, he's in it for just that. A crown can a be a lot of different things.
Rapunzel: [about Flynn] I think he likes me. Mother Gothel: Likes you? Please, Rapunzel, that's demented!/ This is why you never should have left!/Dear, this whole romance that you've invented / Just proves you're too naive to be here./Why would he like you? Come on now, really./Look at you-you think that he's impressed?/Don't be a dummy, come with mummy./Mother... Rapunzel: [retorts] No! Mother Gothel: No? Oh. I see how it is. Rapunzel knows best; Rapunzel's so mature now./Such a clever grown-up miss./Rapunzel knows best. Fine, if you're so sure now,/Go ahead and give him this, huh? [hands Rapunzel the satchel with the crown inside] Rapunzel: How did you... Mother Gothel: *This* is why he's here! Don't let him deceive you!/Give it to him, watch, you'll see!/Trust me, my dear, that's how fast he'll leave you./I won't say I told you so!/No, Rapunzel knows best!/Well, if he's such a dreamboat,/Go and put him to the test!/If he's lying, don't come crying/Mother... knows best!
Ah, the falter of trust point. Doesn't almost every relationship have it? It's that moment when you think you know the person, you've built so many bonds together, but there's still that "what if" question. Luckily for Rapunzel, the first guy she met turned out to be a good one. When she eventually gives him the crown he's not even interested in it anymore.
This leads us to my favorite cheesy part of the movie. They're sitting on the boat waiting for the lanterns to be lit when Rapunzel expresses her fear:
Rapunzel: I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be? Flynn Rider: It will be. Rapunzel: And what if it is? What do I do then? Flynn Rider: Well,that's the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream.
I LOVE THAT. Whether our dream is watching the floating lanterns or finding a guy like Flynn, it's a scary thought that maybe when it finally happens it won't be everything you ever hoped for. I think that's what we all prepare ourselves to happen though so maybe the real fear is that it will be everything we ever dreamed of. Then we get to find a new dream.
I love the lyrics to this song. I know the scene gets a little bit cheesy, especially when they start singing together, but I really love the message it contains.
Finally, after all the years they've been blind to what life could offer and what was waiting for them, they're finally able to see the big picture. Why everything else had to happen to get to that point. It finally makes sense.
Just watch the video and listen to the words.
I love that this wonderful girl finally got what she deserved in the end. In 48 hours she went from being stuck in the same place to finding her fairytale. It's beautiful and I really do believe that such stories exist. I believe that those girls stuck in towers will have a Flynn Ryder randomly appear through the window.
I think Flynn ends the movie off perfectly with a single statement:
One of my goals this summer was to finish watching all the episodes of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.
I succeeded.
For each show I like on TV I have a different interest or purpose in watching it.
I enjoy Big Bang Theory for its nerdy jokes.
I enjoy Once Upon a Time for its semi-organized complexity.
For How I Met Your Mother-- I enjoy the relationship lessons. I'm fascinated learning how each character develops and handles the hundreds of relationship scenarios that are presented each season.
Most of all-- I'm fascinated learning how Ted Mosby handles his relationships. The show has done a good job in creating a group of characters that are relatable to each viewer's life. The character I see myself in is Ted Mosby. He's a genuinely good guy who is looking for the right girl and just can't catch a break. He's educated, successful, attractive, sincere, full of not-always-so-witty jokes, and is always the one there to get your back.
In the show Ted meets a woman named Stella and falls in love with her. They get engaged and she ends up leaving him at the alter because she's still in love with her ex-husband. Though the episodes as Ted heals from this, I copied down lines he said that I found of particular interest and piecing them together now, I think they make a pretty educative story.
Quote #1: When Ted goes to angrily confront Stella and her husband, but decides not to---
"Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option-- you can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward. And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine. Mine was still out there, waiting for me."
Quote #2: Ted talking to students in his architecture class.
Ted: "What does being ready even mean? I thought I was ready last year and I ended up getting left at the alter. I'll be honest guys, I'm a little scared."
Lewis: "We're all scared Professor Mosby."
Betty: "Doesn't being scared let you know you're on to something important?
Ted: "Yeah, I mean, if you're not scared you're not taking a chance. If you're not taking a chance then what the hell are you doing? Right?"
Quote #3: Giddyups is a bar with desperate cowgirls.
"I don't want Giddyups. I want that. I forgot what it feels like to chase the real thing. I think I'm ready again."
Quote #4:
"I think you start to recover the moment you meet that person who gets you back in the game"
I loved hearing these realizations that Ted has as he heals from his break-up. Even though he is hurt and scared and unsure of where to go.. he still plays the game. It requires letting go. It requires taking a chance. It requires the not wasting your time on fluff instead of the real things. It requires finding something new to hold onto.
Way to go Ted Mosby.
If you're a Robyn character you buy another dog. If you're a Barney Stinson you stop being sad and start being awesome instead. If you're a Ted Mosby you follow your hopeless romantic side and just keep moving.
I just finished watching the movie Marley and Me. I've heard good things about it but I was blown away by how sincerely real the story was. It wasn't just another cliché movie family.. it was real.
There were the funny parts, the tense moments, the romantic swoons.... but what really caught my attention was a clip a couple minutes long of a monologue piecing together clips of their life.
I laid on the couch in my tacky plaid pajama shirt, draped under the same dull brown blanket that's made a permanent residence on my bed for half my life, wrapped around a stuffed alligator and thought, I WANT THAT. At that very moment I wanted nothing more than to go grab a boy and rush off and marry him and have that wonderful and awful adventure for myself.
It made me think of the song Marry You by Bruno Mars that I've copy/pasted onto different blog post drafts for a year now, never knowing where to place it.
I hate that song. Absolutely hate it. I hate the casualty it places on marriage. Hate the temporary second-handed thought.
But I love listening to it. Yeah, yeah, the music is pretty catchy but what gets me is that, like today, I have those moments when I just look at someone and think, Hey.. I think I wanna marry you.
It's nothing serious.. just a fleeting thought sparked by random moments but can you see the appeal and craving for that moment? That instantaneous happiness and excitement?
I love that image in my head. It makes me want to throw my arms up in the air and dance in the rain with a smile so big I can hardly breathe from sheer joy.
I can't even imagine how amazing the real thing must be.
This post is from one of the drafts I've had sitting around for months but never known where to go with. It's a quote by Freud that I liked and I've decided to relate it to temporal preparation for marriage.
"When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature." ~Freud
I already talked a little bit in another post about how at times relationships are a feeling rather than logic. I think this quote backs that idea up quite well. But what about the "decision[s] of minor importance"?
There are a lot of skills that come in handy in a marriage that the person you're dating may or may not have:
-Budget skills- knows how to set up and follow a budget, handles money well.
-Education- whether formal or informal.
-Job- source of income.
-Health care/nutrition/exercise- healthy habits.
-Household skills- cleaning/keeping up the house.
-Sewing/clothing care- knows their way around fixing and creating basic things.
-Food storage- prepared for emergencies.
-Basic car skills- tire changing, basic idea of how cars work and what to do when they don't.
-Work ethic- knows how to work and choses to do so.
-Emergency preparedness- has plan of action whether the emergency is physical or financial.
-Manage time- uses time in a profitable way.
It's not necessary that one has all of these skills but they definitely come in handy in a marriage. You read the list and think yeah, yeah those are all good skills to have. Sounds like a good idea. Here's the thing- preparation precedes performance. We gots to be preppin' now.
Test yourself:
What are you currently doing to prepare for the temporal needs of your future family?
What are things that you need to work on?
I looked at that list and thought Easy-peasy lemon squeazy..
I'm working on budgeting and being better at saving money.
I'm working on household skills as I clean my house each week and take on those responsibilities.
I'm working on education as I give myself new projects selling things online or re-doing a porch swing.
I'm working on eating healthier and learning to cook now that I have a little extra time on my hands.
Then I started actually writing it down and I've still got a long way to go. Never until the past couple months of my life have I ever felt like I wasn't enough. I've always been the one to push to the top of my activities and then wait around bored while everyone else caught up. That sounds super prideful and arrogant of me but that's how I've always felt... so far ahead that I always have to wait for others to catch up.
But I have so much still to learn. So much still to build into my life.
I have no idea about cars. I know how to check the oil and I've seen a few tires changed. That's about it.
My emergency preparedness is slim to none.
Those are things I get to work on and learn.
And that's the key. A willingness to learn.
No one is going to have all of those skills. Those are things that take time that you can always continue to develop in a marriage. So those "decision[s] of minor importance" are really kind of minor. They're so good to have but in the big picture what is most important is that the person you're looking for doesn't necessarily have basic car skills but has the willingness to learn some day.
Just for kicks and giggles I read a 2010 special edition of the New Era today titled Dating for Beginners. Most of the information was fairly irrelevant to myself personally but a nice refresher on the dating scene that I've been discussing with my EFY kids all summer. There was however, an article I really liked called Is Dating Dead?
This article discusses the change in our world from dating to hanging out. Why is dating a dying thing? Because of what some like to call the Instacouple Phenomenon.
When someone goes on a date it is almost as if that date marks a point of exclusivity.
Think about it in your own life-- if someone asks you out do you often first try to decide if you could see yourself dating them before you answer yes or no?
I sure do. If I want to get to know someone I first stalk them on Facebook then make sure I just happen to show up at the same activities and be in the same groups that they are. A drive past their house or a informative conversation from a friend isn't a bad idea either. I may start up a conversation at a group activity or strategically place myself in a way that they will start one with me. Then I invite them to a game night or a party I'm hosting. And THEN.. THEN a date might be in order.
But would I ever ask them out on a date or accept one without hesitation before all of those steps?
Ehhh.......... maybe.
If you even go on a date at all it seems that the first date is pretty much the only chance you get. A second date is getting pretty serious..
That's not how it should be! Dating is supposed to be a casual and fun way to get to know people.
Unfortunately, we have this fear of committing to a 3 hour period with someone without being able to define it as something more serious than it really is.
The article lists 4 contributing factors that are killing the dating scene:
1. Our culture is slaughtering the idea of commitments. Dating is a commitment, hanging out is not.
2. The tradition of men taking the lead is being stomped on by women who see themselves as too strong and independent to let in some chivalry.
3. TV loves to portray hanging out and the new best thing.
4. The expectations and requirements of a date have sky rocketed.
Seriously, just read the article. It's short and sweet.
I have a dream... that some day I can go on a date (yes, I'd love to actually go on dates every so often!) and have it be just what it is-- a date.
My friend's mom recently published a book called A Decision Based on Love that I started reading this afternoon. I already had the heads up that it would be a tear jerker but what I didn't know is that I would start getting emotional from page 1. Had anyone died? no... Was someone hurt or sick? no... Was there any good reason for me to be crying? not really...
The first page is about a woman waking up in the morning. That's what brought on the tears. Here... read a bit of it for yourself:
"When she peeked up from her prayers her husband Todd was watching her with a
slow, lazy grin. “Good morning beautiful,” he whispered, as he patted the bed beside
him.
Shari glanced over at the full length mirror on the wall and laughed out loud. How
could he possibly call her beautiful? Her short blond hair had more gray than blond
and it was sticking up in every direction. She could swear her skin looked wrinklier
than it had yesterday and her hot pink baggy pajamas were as flattering as a neon
potato sack. Still, Todd made her feel beautiful. He always had. He loved her more
now than he had when she was young and pretty, and he told her every day. It wasn't
just words either; he acted like he was the luckiest man on earth. Todd was
definitely in that prayer of gratitude. Shari climbed back into their king size bed,
wrapped her arms around him and snuggled up to his chest."
Super happy and lovely, right? That's exactly why I reacted emotionally. I guess up until today I didn't realize that relationships like that exist. That two people can get married and still be crazy about each other 30 years down the road. That world has never existed in my mind. I've never seen that as a real thing.
Every once in a while I get glimpses of that in my own relationships and think that maybe, just maybe, I could have that some day.
And that's my world-- one where stories like the one in this book are simply stories. I've had a pretty good life and if I can't comprehend that these stories really exist then I completely understand why someone worse off than me wouldn't even see them as an option.
That's something I've learned I need to understand and have patience with. Not everyone comes from the same background as I do. We each have our own perceptions of what love and marriage is like depending on what we've seen from those surrounding us and what we have chosen to educate ourselves on. I might be associating with someone who has never seen anything less than this beautiful love story or I might be associating with someone who has never even seen the slightest glimpse of it.
I'm so glad that I know that stories like this exist. That I can expect to wake up in the morning and be told I'm beautiful by the greatest husband in the world.
It raises my standards an expectations for what I can be some day and adds to my motivation to be so much more than I already am.
Oh.. the friend zone.. every single person's fear and annoyance.
Within a week of when I got home this summer I had been friend zoned so many times I wanted to vomit.
It was the same story every time. I'd meet this guy.. think he was great.. get to be friends with him.. and as soon as things went any further I got stonewalled.
These guys even delivered the same lines-- something like:
"Don't think you're not amazing, because you really are. You're gorgeous and smart and tons of fun to be around but I'm just not interested in being in a relationship with you. I count you as one of my good friends but that's it."
It's gotten to the point where I just start laughing as they deliver the lines because I can almost say them in sync with the deliverer.
I've never gotten a solid answer as to why this happens to me other than the 'my mind says yes but my heart says no' story like my post just prior to this one.
I can't answer my own questions but maybe I can give you some food for thought with something I have learned known as Box Theory.
Box Theory, taught to me by my co-counselor Scott, originating from his friend Beth Roberts, and shared with permission (did I do this right this time Brianna???) is a simple but logical theory on the attention girls give to boys.
Girls put boys in three different boxes:
Box 1: Boys that a girl likes.
Box 2: Boys a girl wishes liked her.
Box 3: Boys that like a girl.
Which box do you think gets the most attention? Box 2 of course. Isn't that what we've heard for so long? Part of the magic is the chase. If a girl wants a guy to like her she'll often give him lots of attention. This sometimes results in the guy then being interested in the girl which moves him from box 2 to box 3. Oooh..... not a place you want to be. Why? Box 3 is the friend zone!
The 'trick' is for a guy to stay in box 2 as long as he can until hopefully he gets moved over to box 1 rather than box 3.
If a guy notices he's heading into box 3 he has to back off & pay attention to other things in order to avoid being 'friend zoned.'
That's the theory.
What do you think?
I think for the most part.. she's got the box juggling scenario down pretty well.
However, the red flag pops up for me when it is suggested that a boy needs to force the chase to continue in order to be placed in box 1 rather than box 3.
I somewhat disagree.
I guess it depends on a girl's personality but for me, your time being chased in box 2 has a very real expiration date. After a point I'm going to get tired of chasing and simply walk away.
How often do we look at love and see everything that could go wrong and get overwhelmed by it because guess what.. there are a lot of things on that list.
I like an image a friend of mine put up on her blog a while back of a venn diagram displaying how we often feel when searching for love.
This blog post idea came to me at a Neil Diamond concert I went to a couple weeks ago when he sang I'm A Believer. I've always heard the version by Smash Mouth and never stopped to realize the meaning behind the words until that night.
Read them through:
"I'm A Believer"
I thought love was only true in fairy tales Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get to me That's the way it seems Disappointment haunted all my dreams
I thought love was more or less a given thing
But the more I gave the less I got, oh yeah
What's the use in trying
All you get is pain
When I wanted sunshine I got rain
And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Not a trace of doubt in my mind I'm in love I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried
I think that is one thing that is so wonderful about love-- that despite everything that couple possibly go wrong, it actually works.
Somehow you find someone that defies all the disappointments and low expectations.
One of my greatest frustrations and joys about love is that it is not completely logical.
I love making lists and I could sit down and make a list of logical reasons as to why I should love someone specific or why they should love me. I don't think I've ever actually done that on paper but I know I have several times in my mind. We could be the same age, have the same goals, enjoy the same activities, laugh at the same jokes... all potentially logical reasons as to why we would be perfect for each other.
I am often reminded of all the many things that I hate and love about Facebook.
Here are a few of the things I somewhat hate:
1. Relationship statuses.
It's not that I mind knowing if someone is 'single' or 'in a relationship' or 'married', but that as soon as that status changes everyone is all up in your business. I suppose it is nice to have that heads up sometimes but there are few things I dislike more than to have people pretend to care by posting pity comments on a "so-and-so is now single" status or to try to make the person feel better by putting their ex down. Our world is so obsessed with putting a label on things and becoming "Facebook official" is just one more.
2. Personal advertisement.
Oh gag. I get so tired of the "woe is me" statuses where people are putting themselves down to get a comment of support. It also gets old to look at perfect profiles that are practically friendship and dating resumés. If you feel the need to fish for a compliment... please don't do so quite as publicly.
3. Limits face-to-face interaction
This goes back to my Talk to Me post. People are dying to talk to each other. One reason FB is so popular is that people are screaming for social interaction. For comfort. For some feeling of worth and love. I really like what my aunt posted as a status (ironically) one day: "Years ago when your mind was troubled in the dark hours of the night and you felt sad and alone if you were really lucky you had a friend that didn't mind to much if you woke them, or you called a crisis line or maybe you reached out to God in prayer.... Now we reach for the iPhone and post. Wow Times.... They are a changing." I miss having to make phone calls (as much as I hated them) if I wanted to talk to someone. So often now I send a text or message or open a chat window. It is crippling.
Here are a few things I really like about Facebook:
1. Information
How great is it that in a matter of seconds hundreds of people can share the same information? Whether it's an invite to an event coming up or an announcement or a news article.. I can have it all compiled on one website. It's so easy to spend 2 minutes setting up an event rather than calling or texting the 50 people I'm inviting. It's definitely helped my social life when I am bored one night and within 5 minutes can find 2 or 3 things going on. I absolutely love it.
2. Long distance communication.
I can stay in contact with hundred of my EFY kids or people I've met on trips from around the world. With one click I can get a glimpse into what's going on in Mau Village in Fiji where I helped build flushing toilets. I can share a scripture with one of my EFY groups. I can check who is working up at my scout camp in Beaver, Utah. So much reward for such a little effort.
3. Simplified stalking
You know that "close friends" tab on the side? I like to refer to that as my simplified stalking tab. I don't even have to go on someone's wall to find every single thing they've been doing. FB complies everyone's information onto one news feed just like I ask.
So those are my feelings about Facebook. I know this is a totally random post but I'm sure you can all add your own 'Hear hear!' to a few of these.
I have no idea WTH is going on with the arrangement of the text. I changed one thing and the words all suddenly melted together and wouldn't line themselves up straight again. You'll have to read this post with a left alignment instead of centered. I'm so sorry.. ;)
There's this movie I happen to love called What's Your Number? It's a cliché chick flick but, like most, it has a couple very valuable lessons and ideas in between the girly sighs.
The first point I want to talk about is the basis of the entire movie-- What's your number?
In the movie, Ally Darling is reading a magazine that says women average 10.5 sex partners in their lifetime. A friend later tells her research has shown that women who sleep with more than 20 guys have a much lower rate of marriage and settling down. Ally's already at 19 which quickly turns to 20 in the next scene. Rather than being celibate for the rest of her life, she decides to track down her past relationships and see if something works with one of them. Her womanizing neighbor Colin from across the hall is helping her track down these exes and in the process, falls in love with Ally but she won't sleep with him because she's already at 20.Here's what Ally's friends have to say about him:
Eileen: Because he's not the kind of guy you end up with. He's the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with.
Ally Darling: How do you know? You haven't even met him.
which then turns into a conversation between Ally and Colin after a little (non-sexual) fling:
Ally Darling: Would you please just go. Colin Shea: What about last night? Ally Darling: I think we should just forget about last night. Colin Shea: Because of Jake? Ally Darling: No. Because you're not the kind of guy I'm supposed to end up with.
Colin Shea: What kind of guy am I, Ally? Ally Darling: You're the kind of guy you date before you meet the guy you end up with, and I've already dated twenty of you. Colin Shea: So you're gonna try and make it work with Jake, a guy you haven't seen in years, just so you don't go over the number twenty? Ally Darling: It's not just about the number anymore, okay? Colin Shea: Well then, what it is? Ally Darling: It's what I want! Colin Shea: You don't know what you want, Ally! You're so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be, you don't know who you are.
Three things caught my attention in this conversation-- 1. Ally's obsession with a number. 2. The judgement placed on Colin labeling him as "the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with." 3. What Ally wants.
1. We've all got our numbers. Number of boyfriends/girlfriends, number of sexual partners, number of people we've kissed, number of NCMOs... And to most people-- those numbers are kinda important. They say something about you. If your numbers are high maybe you're a little bit more free spirited, a little bit more risky, a little bit less of a committer. If your numbers are low maybe you're a little more cautious, a little more serious, a little more independent. Or you could jump to the ultimate and somewhat inaccurate stereotype that if your number is high, you're a slut and if your number is low, you're a prude. Whether you're a 59 or a 2, there's still a story behind your number. So what's with the obsession in Ally's world of keeping a low number? She's afraid that if her number gets too high she's going to miss her chance at the real thing. It's Saltines before steak all over again. Ally doesn't want to finally find the real guy and have him think, ew.. you've been with 20 other guys? It's also the thought of failure for all of her numbers.. the thought that surely one of her past numbers could have worked if circumstances were different. Have you ever repeated your number in your head and thought, *gasp!* that many? and I'm now single again? I feel like such a slut. I know I have. Here's my main thought as to why worrying about numbers is stupid: While working on keeping your number down may be a good thing that keeps you sincere in relationships, keeping them so low is extremely limiting. You might spend all your efforts forcing a past number to work when one number higher could be perfect for you but you're too worried about numbers to let that relationship happen. Such is the case in this story-- Ally is so hung up on her number and not adding another man to the list that she misses what is right in front of her. Colin has no chance because she's afraid he's just going to be another empty number with little to show from it. Which leads me to number 2:
2. Who is "the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with"? In this story its Colin who is a womanizer-- he sleeps with a different woman all the time and then disappears before they wake up. He's completely into the sex, not the relationship. He's the guy who, for that initial period of time, you fall for completely only to realize after time that you're making excuses for him. It should be easy enough to spot that guy, right? Wrong! Sure, at times it may be simple but more often than not.. it's difficult. Why? Well, taking it from the perspective of Ally and Colin-- she already knows who he is. She knows what he does to women and even though he changes as he gets to know her, she still thinks he's that guy. How is she supposed to know that he's really changed? How is she supposed to know that he's changed permanently? It takes a lot of trust which takes time and effort to built from such a rocky beginning. Looking at this from another perspective-- let's say this guy you're dating is perfect at first. He's the one to kiss you on the cheek randomly and pay attention to the little things. Then some things come up in your relationship that you're frustrated by but later find out he had legitimate excuses for. Things start to trend downhill from there. Rather than building trust, that initial trust you had at the beginning slowly begins to deteriorate. I've seen both of these situations so many times and even though most of the time these really are the kind of guys you date before the guy you end up with, they are the guy you end up with and are happy with enough that I'm not confident in simply walking away without giving the relationship the time it needs to make it or break it. And I think that's what you have to do sometimes-- just give things a chance.
3. What is it that Ally wants? At first she just wants someone that is one of her 20. However, she tells Colin that it's not about the number anymore. My best guess-- Ally wants someone that her family approves of, that her friends approve of, and someone she can be moderately happy around. And in the movie that's Jake. He's rich, he's attractive, her family and friends love him, and she has a pretty good time with him. However, I truly love what Colin said to her: "You don't know what you want, Ally! You're so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be, you don't know who you are." Ally has been basing her relationships on everyone else. On what research has told her about numbers. On what her mom wants. On what her friends expect. Why? Because it's safe. It's easier to follow rules and a life that has been laid out for you instead of working to figure out what it is you want and take that leap of faith. It takes a lot to decide who you are and what you want and then believe that there's someone out there who will love you for that and will want you for that. This leads in perfectly to my favorite lesson in the movie.
The movie ends with Ally's sister, Daisy, getting married and its during Ally's toast to the happy couple that she realizes who she is and what she wants.
Ally Darling: When Daisy and Eddie first got together, I have to admit, I was a little bit nervous. I could tell that it was serious, and I thought that the closer she got to him, the further away she'd get from me. But that didn't happen. Not only do I see more of Daisy, I see a happier, even better Daisy. It's like with Eddie, she's completely herself. When you're a big sister, it's your job to teach your little sister everything. You know, how to ride a bike, how to lie to your parents, how to kiss. Not with tongues. Settle down, uncle Charlie. But, I never thought about what my little sister could teach me until right now. So I wanna thank you, Daisy. Thank you, for teaching me that being in love means being yourself. To Daisy and Eddie!
At this point, Ally breaks up with Jake because she realizes that she's not herself when she's with Jake. Her mom, who loves Jake as Ally's boyfriend, tries to counter this:
Ava Darling: Why are you doing this? We were finally happy! Ally Darling: No! You were finally happy. I don't wanna marry Jake Adams! That's not who I am. I'm a jobless whore who slept with twenty guys! Ava Darling: Shh! Ally Darling: And I wanna be with somebody who appreciates that about me. You may not understand me, mom, but you don't have to. All you have to do is love me. I know that I'm not perfect, but that's why you have Daisy.
In the cliché, happy-go-lucky ending, Ally delivers this line to Colin: "I'm happiest when I'm being myself, and I'm myself when I'm with you."
And isn't that what it's all about? It's about figuring out who we are and then finding someone who loves us for that and brings that out. It's not about numbers. It's not about conforming to a standard or to the rules and expectations around us. It's about being ourself and simply letting who we are take control.
Here's a quick, easy, and extremely effective lesson on how to get a girl.
This may work for getting boys too although I doubt if it does it is nearly as effective.
So there's this girl you like... how do you get your hands on that tasty treat?
You give her attention.
Done.
4 out of 5 times that will work.
(I haven't actually done any research on this but I'd say that's a fairly accurate statistic.)
As long as you're not creepy she will fall for it. Girls want to be liked. They want someone to notice them. They want someone to smile at them. They want someone to listen to them. They want someone to show that they care-- even if it's the smallest of efforts on the guy's part.
That's it. Give her attention and you'll get a girl.
This relates to a post I wrote a while back. The reason we like people is because we like who we are when we're with them. Isn't this basically the same thing? If a guy gives you attention then you're going to feel like a princess which in turn will lead you to be interested in him and want more and more of this attention.
So what is attention? Here's what Wikipedia shares from line one:
Attention is the cognitive process of selectively concentrating on one aspect of the environment while ignoring other things.
Just make her stand out. Feed that inner hunger for love and attention. Let her know she's not just a figure in the crowd.
But there's a problem with this.. not that it doesn't work.. but what happens afterwards.
It has to be followed up with genuine interest and care and effort to ever make it anywhere.
It's a great trigger for a relationship but has to be fed further with more substantial effort from both parties to turn it into something real.
How many times have you fallen for someone simply because they gave you attention?
I know I have--- SO many times.
If this lesson on giving attention is not used properly it will just break hearts.
Who wants to give up on someone who has been feeding their ego so well?
