How often have you seen an individual or a group follow an idea simply because it is there?
It's so much easier to live our lives just letting things happen and going along with them rather than putting forth the effort to figure something out for ourselves.
Heck, I did that the last time I voted. I abhor the static chit chat of the world. Politics. Natural disasters. War. Government spending. I just.. don't care. If that makes me seem heartless and uneducated, heck- its probably true. So when it came time to vote I looked at what my mother filled in on her sample ballot, read over it really fast to see if I agreed, and then submitted my own ballot with those same answers.
Is that irresponsible of me? YES! Is that lazy? YES! Is that taking the time to figure out what I really want? ABSOLUTELY NOT!
What do you think was a leading factor promoting the Holocaust?
It was people who knew what they wanted leading those who did not make a decision or were not willing to contradict a choice.
How much easier is it to let everything around you define your life?
How much easier is it to follow in the footsteps of someone who already knows what they want?
How easy is it to simply exist and see where the wind takes you?
SUPER easy.
But that's not good enough.
No, we must figure out what it is we want.
And in order to do that,
we must figure out who we are.
I feel like the picture at the top of this post describes me pretty well.
-The shot was taken on temple grounds- I am a Mormon
-My nails are neon orange- evidence of a hint of rebellion
-I'm wearing a semi-tacky skirt with an undershirt that doesn't entirely match- my statement against a norm
-My shirt is off a clearance rack- pretty much the only way I tend to shop
-I'm creepily smiling and scaring a duck- humor is obvious
Those are some of the things that define who I am.
Those are also some of the things that define what I want.
I want the things around me to be like me.
I want the rules to be always good to the core but with that touch of rebellion.
I want people in my life who are ridiculous and love to smile- just like me.
I discovered this song while searching for something else today.
It has many different topics that can be pulled out but for this post, I want to focus on this:
Sometimes, we require other people in our lives to help show us who we are and therefore what we want.
Not people to follow as a replacement for defining our own rules, but someone to help us see a new perspective and point out things about ourselves that we are much more incapable of seeing on our own.
Yeah, I know that's not what the song is really about, but go with it.
Everyone is guilty of not making the decision as to what they want or who they are.
But every once in a while, a couple months have gone and your world is different-
not that you forced those changes, but that they simply happened while you were riding the current.
Sometimes they're good.
Sometimes they leave things to be desired.
Whichever, it's always a good idea to take a few minutes ever so often and think.
There's an ongoing (and entirely justified) joke about Mormons getting married very quickly....
Well, here's a big reason why--
Most Mormons have the same core basics defining who they are.
"For a relationship to work, the core values must be the same for both people.
At some stage, when you know deep down that you both have the same intentions, the same goals, that your values are in agreement with theirs, you can make the jump to completely trusting the other.
When there is no fear of attack, self-expression is no longer a risky action; instead, it allows you to reveal your true self. It is like dancing barefoot; if there are tacks on the floor, even one or two, it’s impossible to leap freely, but when the floor is clear, you can soar with no limits."
That floor is already quite clear and therefore removing any stray items takes less time than it would for two people working towards a relationship from different backgrounds and beliefs.
Think of a Mormon right now.. what do you know about them?
Do they attend a 3-hour block of meetings every Sunday?
Do they get together Monday nights for family home evening?
Do they abstain from work and spending money on Sundays?
Do they smoke, drink alcohol, have tattoos, or participate in obscene entertainment?
Does their life have an emphasis on families?
Are they hard workers that are furthering their education in some field?
Are they financially stable with good spending habits?
Do they spend time serving others?
Are they true Christians who display their belief in Christ through love?
Are they physically healthy?
Chances are, the answer for each of these questions will be the same for a majority of the people that come to mind.
When your lifestyles and basic beliefs and habits and goals are already in sync with each other, a spark of attraction can easily be worked into a hot flame.
It's like being tested from a newer edition of a textbook you've already memorized.
I hate all the unfortunate family episodes that seem to occur around Christmas.
I hate the emphasis on relationships.
I hate the obsession with decorations and treats and overcrowded Walmarts and airports.
But most of all, I hate gifts.
Which.. is extremely ironic because in a group the other night we all listed our favorite symbol of Christmas and the star was already claimed so when it came to my turn my mind went blank and was relieved by a loudly whispered "gifts!"
I hate Christmas shopping.
It's not that I don't like buying things for other people or the excuse to do so--
It's that I don't like feeling obligated to find someone a present.
Then you have the stipulations of price and usefulness and creativity...
If I want to buy something for someone, then that's cool but I don't like making it a factor of stress.
One of my favorite things about Christmas are the Salvation Army people that stand outside Walmart ringing bells.
Usually, most individuals have quite the opposite feeling towards these people.
I love them because to me, it is an untainted Christmas tradition that has great meaning.
Growing up, my mom would always put a dollar in the tin when we'd go to the store. I never verbally questioned it but it was something that always intrigued me as a child.
Now that I'm older, I do the same. A few weeks back I went to Walmart with my mom and as I was reaching in my purse to grab a dollar, my mom was already pulling one out.
What an example.
I love the bell ringers because each time I visit the store, I am reminded of the real reason for Christmas. As I am surrounded by frantic shoppers trying to find the perfect gift, I am reminded that the perfect gift is not found with a price tag. The perfect gift is ourselves whether we are giving time or love or simply listening to someone. The perfect gift is humbling ourselves and realligning our motives and actions to be earthly angels.
One dollar is a small cost for the joy that dollar stands for.
Every once in a while... I take that back.. QUITE often you're bound to run into groups of girls that are boy haters.
One of my favorite people in the world once brought up this topic about how he knows so many girls who simply hate boys.
Truth is, I am one of them.
Possibly even a leader... I was the one to throw an "I hate boys" party as my house prom night. We still have the posters we created sitting around somewhere..
I've been asking myself lately, why do I hate boys?
This is what I've come up with:
-I hate boys because I have no control over them.
-I hate boys because their lives and thought processes are far less complicated.
-I hate boys because they're unobservant and unaware of their surrounding situations and people.
-I hate boys because the world is constantly boosting their masculinity as they perform "manly" jobs.
-I hate boys because they're slaves to their physical needs whether its eating or sex.
-I hate boys because they can dispose of women will few to no consequences.
-I hate boys because they unintentionally (and sometimes intentionally) play with my emotions and leave me confused, consumed in thoughts and questions that can never be answered.
-I hate boys because they don't have to work as hard to get the same results as women.
-I hate boys because they're selfish- always catering to what it is they want.
......
.....
....
...
..
.
This could go on for a while..
Here's the problem- a majority of the boys I know aren't these things.
My boy friends are absolutely amazing people that I admire and strive to be more like.
I enjoy spending time with them far more than I do with most girls.
To explain then why I, and many other girls, hate boys, we have to zoom out a little bit.
I hate boys as a whole because in general, I perceive them as all of those things.
This perception is a compilation of many things-- movies, ex boyfriends, failed father figures, and not taking the time to get to know boys individually-- only judging poorly from a short encounter.
It's not that I hate boys-- its that I hate what my anger and frustrations have created the term "boy" to mean.
I recently finished rereading the series Hunger Games. In the books, comparisons are often made between the common, natural people from the districts and the freaks from the Capitol.
Freak: "a person, animal, or plant with an unusual physical abnormality."
The books describe the green tinted skin, gold tattoo designs, unnatural rose scent, neon orange hair, cat whiskers, unnaturally tight stretched skin....
All of these being ways people have altered their bodies.
They are portrayed as vile and repulsive and something entirely foreign.
But... that point of view comes from the districts' perspective.
Of course to them any such alteration is disgusting.
Have you ever noticed that a good portion of the United States (and other countries) follow the fashion sense of the Capital?
Lady Gaga. Enough said.
You may have just thought, sure... there are crazies out there. There's Lady Gaga and Katy Perry and Pink and the hundreds of people in celebrity magazines that wear those hideous dresses that are anything but attractive.
But news flash... the Capitol's fashion trends have been adopted by most people in one way or another.
This occurred to me during a 3-hour hair appointment I took part in a couple weeks back.
It was the first time I've had my hair dyed at a salon and it really could go without saying that during those three hours I had plenty of people to observe.
And ya know what? I was disgusted with myself.
I looked at all the people that came in that I've spent my life criticizing and judging and I realized I was allowing myself to become like them.
There was a man who got a simple hair cut and frosted tips who spent the entire time on his phone with various people including a conversation about how he could either have a 2-bedroom apartment with no garage or a 3-bedroom apartment with a garage.
There was a woman who I'd guess is in her late 60's who was very precise in her instructions because if the length in the back wasn't exactly right her hair got poofy. Oh, and add some more highlights.
There was a teacher who has beautiful naturally curly hair who had her hair straightened and then spent the next half hour kindly requesting a half inch change in length here, and a few more layers there...
I wanted to jump out of my chair and dramatically throw my arms up and yell, "Don't you get it?!!!! There is SO much more to life than THIS!!!"
But I was silent and returned to reading the final Hunger Games book, ironically enough.
Can you see how our fashion trends can be so completely repulsive?
Can you see how spending hundreds of dollars on your hair or diet pills or designer clothing is so completely wrong?
Can you see how focusing your time and efforts on making yourself "attractive" whether it is getting the perfect hair cut or dye job or perfectly filed nails or the right curve to your eyeliner or working out for the purpose of looking like a model rather than health or bleaching your teeth 3 shades lighter or finding the perfect shade of blue to match your eyes is somehow wrong?
I think this girl is down right hott. Its not a secret that I'm absolutely taken by emo styles. I love the color and cut of her hair. I love her simple black finger nails. I love the gentle fade of her eye shadow that gives her eyes depth and opens them up and gives her wings to fly.
But she is from the Capitol. She is the enemy of everything good and pure and from home.
She's hott, but not beautiful.
She's sexy, but untouchable.
She's not what anyone really wants.
But this woman, is beautiful.
Guaranteed, her face is still covered in makeup to smooth out her skin, but she is, for the most part, natural.
She is the woman that someone would love rather than wear as decoration.
She's beautiful, not hott.
She's touchable, and still sexy.
She is who we really want to be.
So why take on the fashion sense of the Capitol?
To be noticed.
To gain attention.
To be coveted.
But those are the steps that Capitol fashion models take to become a beautiful woman.
The want someone to see them as beautiful, so in order to do so, they jump through these hoops to get someone to notice them.
They want someone to love them, so they attempt to make themselves irresistable.
"Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired."
I'm not sure how true that quote is.. I've always loved it. I actually just bought a plaque with that written on it to hang up in my home. Is wanting to be irresistably desired, love?
I don't know the answers.. I don't know why so many people find it necessary to adopt a Capitol fashion sense. I don't know why it is so widely accepted. I don't know if it is truly wrong to adopt that fashion sense. I don't know where the line is between simply taking care of yourself and being attractive compared with taking it to a repulsive point. I just know that right now, I am repulsed by my highlights and yet everyone else loves them. Not that they're necessarily bad.. but they're the Capitol.
"Well, how are the two O's supposed to form a companionship? The point of having a companion is that each of you complete what the other is not. You fill the voids in their lives and help them grow. You cannot be your own entirely separate person, already perfected to work in a companionship- you must be able to flop, bump, bounce, and roll together."
I realize that our role in a relationship is not to be there to fill another's voids. They have to do that themselves but like I said above, in a companionship you do complete and compliment each other. It was pointed out to me tonight (now last night because my stupid internet quit working) that in a two dimensional world, of course circles cannot be together. However, circles can be combined in a greater dimension to form a sphere. I can't believe I missed that. How beautiful is it that by combining two forms of perfection, they can further create a higher dimension of perfection together?
How often have we limited ourselves because of this two dimensional perspective?
Viewing situations and lives in various dimensions takes me back to a short story I read a few years ago in what was probably my favorite class at ASU (although my crying over those awful "thesis" papers didn't quite point to that conclusion).
The class was an honors human event course with a science focus. For once in my life I actually felt challenged in a topic I enjoyed. We read things like Origin of the Species and works from other great men like Copernicus, Decartes, Galileo, Newton, Freud, and Fukuyama. We studied genocides, the double helix, narcissism, self deceit, superposition, and evolution.
Luckily, my genius past self was intelligent enough to save all of these electronic readings which I just now decided to indulge myself on once more.
Some of these documents I found more interesting than others. The brainwashing of Nazi leaders is of more interest to me than Vermeer's paintings..
It's fairly long, about fifty pages, but I highly encourage you to read this. For one of the papers I wrote in the class, I chose this text as the basis for my reasoning. Reading over it again, I can see where my writing style and abilities have grown drastically. Quite possibly due to these blog posts.
To give a quick summary of the plot, a square is approached by a sphere which attempts to teach the square of a third dimension. It's the science version of A Christmas Carol. Kinda. The story line moves through multiple dimensions- from the point who cannot even comprehend sound (since a 0-dimension point is literally its entire world) to a line who comprehends sounds but cannot comprehend the motion of moving side to side, to a square who does not understand how the sphere can pass through the square's world, to the sphere doubting the existence of a fourth dimension. Each example of a lower dimension seems to us an obvious answer and explanation as to how another dimension exists but when we reach the sphere attempting to comprehend a fourth dimension, we can only create analogies- it is impossible for us to truly comprehend a dimension greater than our own.
My argument: Analogy is not the key to accepting, but to understanding. Only with first hearing, seeing, and then understanding through an analogy was the square able to comprehend physically existing in a three dimensional world. Even so, when he is placed into the sphere's three dimensional world, the square states that, "Either this is madness or it is Hell" to which the sphere replies that, "It is neither. It is knowledge" (43). Due to the fact that the square first understood the existence of a world with three dimensions before entering that world, after his first moment of shock he quickly accepted the idea that he had previously learned. Through the sphere's analogy that caused understanding of another dimension, the square was able to "look and behold a new world" (43).
My point with all of this is that how often do we view our relationships in a two dimensional world?
How often do we become frustrated that something doesn't fit right or cannot possibly exist, no matter how much effort we put into it because we want it to work?
Well, with a third dimension those things can exist.
What creates that third dimension?
The answer is simple:
God.
Two perfected circles cannot be together as they should be without someone with a greater understanding to introduce them to a third dimension.
Sure, we can hear about it. We can see a change. We can create analogies.
I was talking with a friend the other day about why I hate the idea of spending time in Utah right now. It's for a mixture of reasons...........
--a good chunk of it is made up of a few different men folk that were once a huge part of my life. It's not because I hate them. It's not because I still love them. My anxiety comes from reentering a memory that doesn't even seem real anymore. Like it is a faded dream that never really existed. --another part stems from a road trip I took one weekend with my best friend. It's not because I miss her, although that is so very true. It's because road trips like that don't exist anymore. They're a mere episode from that past that I LOVED doing. --the final reason that automatically comes to mind is a scout camp I worked at for two summers called Beaver High Adventure Base (BHAB). That was the place where I first changed. It is where I grew up. It is where I learned how to work and how to love and be loved. I was recently informed that the lodge up there has been deemed a safety hazard so they'll be setting up a new lodge. I think a part of me died to learn that. You'd think its just a dumb old cabin but it was my everything. Some of my greatest memories belong to that lodge.
Point is, each of these associations I have with Utah were places or people or situations I belonged to or they belonged to me.
And now they're gone.
"I dont think bad memories go away until you decide to make new good ones."
These aren't necessarily bad memories... most of them are actually quite wonderful but the thing is, I am afraid of confronting them right now but must eventually do so as I replace them with new ones.
It comes down to not knowing where we belong.
I just hit that point where I suddenly am needing to make a list in order to remember where I belong.
But the list now is so incredibly smaller than it was even a month ago.
And is still shrinking.
Hence, the need for replacement in order to not dwell on that which has been lost or is ended.
I used to belong at a campground and cabin in Colorado with my family.
A drought has destroyed the land and the cabin is in pieces.
Along with my family.
I used to belong to the classification of being a really good student.
I just filled out an entire final in which I knew no answers.
My motivation is gone.
I used to often enjoy playing instruments and dancing.
I am not willing to bring up the people I relate to those things.
So I am silent.
I am a student at ASU.
But soon I'll graduate.
Then what?
My secrets and dreams belong to my best friend.
But the ones I want to tell cannot listen.
So I write blog posts.
You see, I don't really know where I belong right now.
So many things I am connected to are temporary.. eagerly awaiting change.
School. My living situation. My employment. My friends. Those I love.
Everyone needs to feel like they belong somewhere whether they belong to a group (school...church...) or to a classification (good student.... dedicated friend..) or to a person (best friend and/or boyfriend)
I've always known that people have casual friends, good friends, and best friends. Some people have lots of good friends and some people have a select few best friends but whatevs that's just how it works.
Tonight I realized that it goes SO much deeper.
Whether or not people have lots of good friends or just a few select best friends is a very big part of someone's personality. Your friend selection is not just a happenstance. You unconsciously create your friendships to be like yourself.
Using myself as an example- I am a best friend. When people come into my life they are either casual friends or become my best friends. Good friends are rare. Why? Because when I let myself care about someone and trust them I become entirely committed to a relationship. I want to be part of their life and would do anything and everything for them. Casual friends don't require trust or care. They are people you can have conversations with and occasionally spend time with but there is no commitment involved. A good friend sits half way in between these two. While they are people you spend some personal time with, this friendship is missing complete trust and commitment-- not that anything is wrong with that. It's just that for me personally, my friendships rarely hit that point. I am very much an all or nothing person, just as my friendships are typically all or nothing.
Other people are more prone to have good friends. They get along well with several people and spend time involving themselves in many different people's lives. They still have casual friends (since it's impossible to be good friends with everyone) but best friends are less common. I can't tell you why this is. I don't know if it is because they get restless with a small pool of friends and enjoy the variety. I don't know if it is because they are still looking for something more from a friendship so they haven't felt the need to commit to a few entirely rather than many partially. I'm really not sure and let's be realistic- how awkward would it be for me, as a best friend person with my friends being best friend people, to approach a good friend person and ask them why their personality is the way it is.
I have decided though, like everything in life, there is always room for learning and improvement. I can learn how to have good friends while good friends can learn to have best friends. It is not something that will necessarily come naturally (although who knows, it might it we're willing to give it a try) but it is something that is entirely possible.
There was a day last week that I ran out of post ideas (yes, it happens!) so I asked my friend Tabitha what she would choose for me to write about.... any question or thought that she had ever wondered about.
She requested that I write about my feelings pertaining to temple sealings.
There are only one or two people (if that many) that I've shared my personal thoughts with on this topic so let me first explain why Tabitha would choose this particular topic.
Pause.... for those of you who are not familiar as to what the term "temple sealing" means, please read this link.. It provides background to several things I will mention in this post.
When my parents decided to get married, my mother was still sealed to another man from a previous marriage. (Divorced, but still sealed). It is a really big deal in the LDS church to cancel a sealing and can take anywhere from a month to over a year for the process to be approved and completed. The way I have been told the story is that my father did not want to wait until the sealing was cancelled. He wanted to get married without the wait and then a year after the cancellation, be sealed in the temple. That was the plan. So, my parents were married and a year went by after the sealing was cancelled and by that time, a new sealing was not in my father's plans. I was born (I'm not even sure if that was before or after the year mark post the cancellation) and by the time I hit my first birthday, I already was being raised by a single mother. When I was 4, my mother remarried another man in the temple and became sealed to him. I was not allowed to be sealed to my mother and step father due to a refusal of consent from my father which, as a minor, I was required to have. Around the age of 10 my mother and step father separated and by ~11, divorced. This cut off any option of me being sealed to parents during my life on this earth unless by some chance my mother was to marry again.
Once I was old enough to fully realize the situation, I let it fill me with hatred. There is a song that is commonly sung by children (and adults) in church called Families Can Be Together Forever.
Here are the lyrics to the first verse:
1. I have a fam’ly here on earth.
They are so good to me.
I want to share my life with them through all eternity.
[Chorus]
Fam’lies can be together forever
Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.
I hated that song because for me, it was a lie. I didn't want to share my life with my father and/or step father for all eternity. My family was not forever. I blamed my father for ruining my present family and eternal family. I blamed him for not being the father he should have been and by doing so, damaging my life in an irreparable way. I hated him for not letting me be sealed to my mother and step father because even though I didn't want to be sealed to my step father, I would have at least been sealed to someone. I hated him for leaving me alone. If I died I feared I would lose my family forever.
This hatred made me start asking questions. I wanted to know if there was still a way I could be sealed to my family forever. I talked to my bishop one day and asked him this and he gave the best answer I think could be given to a child. He told me that although he didn't know exactly how it would come to be, that I would be sealed to my family some day if I wanted to be even though that some day may not be during my life here on this earth. He explained that God loves us so much that he gave us families, which is the entire focus of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He said that God wants us to be happy and be with our families so if I wanted, He would make that happen.
After that point in my life, I began learning how to forgive. I learned how to forgive my father for all the failures I held him accountable for and hated him for. I learned how to forgive my step father for turning into someone entirely different than the person who taught me how to make peanut butter and honey sandwiches. I learned how to forgive myself for my hatred and flaws. And most of all, I learned how to forgive God for the trials He has placed in my life, even though those trials have shaped who I am and have created the strength I hold.
And that strength is what I want to focus on.
Let me first state that I am not, and have never been, anywhere close to perfect. I think we can all say that. Something I have discovered with trials is that rather that relishing in their pain, I can take a step back and attempt to figure out what I am supposed to gain from them. What am I supposed to learn and how will this event in my life make me stronger and a better person? My very intimate emotions with temple sealings caused me to make the rule that I would only date boys that I was able to be sealed to some day since I already knew that a marriage without a sealing was out of the question in my own personal line of choices. I failed at that rule miserably. Over and over and over again. But I am learning.
That rule has now become something much stronger. My feelings on temple sealings have come to influence the majority of my decisions in life, whether directly or indirectly. I strive to be the best person I can be because I want to be sealed in the temple. In order to do that, I have to be a righteous, worthy daughter of God. That requirement alone entails quite a large list of things. I have to be the person that the absolutely amazing man I am planning on marrying will want to marry. Having my focus on a temple marriage is what creates the good person I occasionally (and hopefully more than occasionally) am.
But my feelings on temple marriages have done much more in my life. This summer I was able to share part of my story one night with a group of girls that I was a counselor for during a week long period. My experience answered someone else's prayers and calmed their worries.
My testimony of the validity of a temple marriage is the one thing that answered my prayers to know if the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints was true or not. I know that the LDS church is true because I know that being sealed to your family forever is true.
My strong feelings for temple sealings have caused me to fall in love with the second verse of Families Can Be Together Forever:
2. While I am in my early years,
I’ll prepare most carefully,
So I can marry in God’s temple for eternity.
[Chorus]
Fam’lies can be together forever
Through Heav’nly Father’s plan.
I always want to be with my own family,
And the Lord has shown me how I can.
The Lord has shown me how I can.
Even though I know for my time on earth, I will never be sealed to my parents or grandparents or any other family members I have right now, I know I have the potential to be sealed to the family that I create through my own marriage and my children. I know that I can "marry in God's temple for eternity."
So... what are my feelings on temple sealings? I feel overjoyed, happy, and filled with hope. I know that being sealed to my family is the single most important choice I can make during my life here on this earth. I think a temple sealing is the most incredible thing I can't even begin to fully comprehend.
THAT is what I feel, and think, and live.
My trials in this area have made me stronger than I can fully comprehend and for them, I am grateful.
The picture at the beginning of the post is of a sealing room in a temple. During a temple marriage/sealing, the couple kneel across the altar from each other. On each of the walls behind them there is a mirror. I cannot wait for the day that I will stand with my eternal companion and look into those mirrors and see ourselves together, reflected into the eternities.
"I love to see the temple. I'll go inside some day. I'll covenant with my Father. I'll promise to obey. For the temple is a holy place where we are sealed together. As a child of God, I've learned this truth: A family is forever."
Each of us heals from an unsuccessful relationship in different ways. However, there are two ways that I want to bring to light.
You see, every day I realize just how narrow minded I am. I see and understand things from my perspective and although I make a special effort to see things from others' perspectives, I had not yet realized that people heal in different ways until fairly recently.
The first way of healing that I will bring up is rather a broad subject that has a lot of variations.
It is dealing with things in person.
Let me explain better using myself as an example:
When I am hurt by another I want to hash things out with them in person. I want to understand every little detail with an explanation for each moment I now look back on differently. I want to spend tons of time with this person. Why? I'm not entirely sure. It could be because I have a special bond with them and they're the one I turn to for comfort. It could be because I'm a masochist and want to feel pain by being around this person because pain is better than feeling entirely empty inside. It could be because as I spend time with them I teach myself how to see them on a less serious level.
That's how I operate. I have to confront the problem and resolve it entirely. I can't just put it out of my mind and hope that the next time I see that person I won't feel a punch in the stomach.
However, some people heal better through separation. It is better for them to step out of the other person's life for a while and readjust to their life prior to the relationship at which point they can reenter a more basic relationship with this person with far less emotions attached. This separation brings clarity and a new light to the situation. It shows them that they can live their lives without the other person and gives them practice doing so.
Either way (or another way/variation), there's at least one major thing that needs to happen to fully heal. Often this doesn't happen which results in lifetime heartaches.
I originally added this last part for those who were on the "dumped" side but I honestly think it applies to both people in the relationship:
In order to get over someone you have to be willing to let them go. For most people, it is SO hard to let go.
We don't let go because it scares us to be alone. We don't let go because we will miss the attention. We don't let go because we fell in love and even a remote hope that something still exists or could eventually exist is enough to drag out the suffering.
Here's a song that illustrates my point- a man who wouldn't let go.
The Man Who Can't Be Moved
Pay special attention to these lines:
"I know it makes no sense but what else can I do?
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?
"Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving
"People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world"
I guess when it comes down to it, we have to accept that no matter how ridiculously happy we were with this person, we can be that happy (or happier) with someone else. We have to trust that there is someone else out there who is perfect for us and that the person you need to let go just isn't them.
One thing's for sure, laying it out doesn't make it any easier.
But with time and practice and patience, healing will come.
As most of you have hopefully already realized, we are a product of other people.
I'm not talking about physically, although that is true too. I'm meaning personality/character wise.
I've thought about this a lot in the past few months as I am still trying to figure myself (and a few others) out. I've known for a long time that a big part of who I am is the result of what my mother wishes she would have been or done in her life. I took dance lessons as a kid (and often wish I wouldn't have quit). I started playing piano at age 5 which turned into a huge slew of instruments including violin, french horn, cello, harmonica, bells, choir.... I was always a super dedicated student, fighting for the top spots in my graduating class. My plan was always to go on a mission when I turned 21. I've had endless opportunities to travel around the world and have amazing experiences on those trips. All of these things have been or are part of my life because of a void in my mother's life that has been filled by me.
So... there's that aspect of being a product of someone else.
But I made the connection today that it's also a combination of a lot of other things I've pondered. There's the connection of purposely NOT being something that someone close to you is.
For example, I have a fairly negative view of television due to far too many memories in my life filled with the sound of a blaring television instead of human interaction. I can honestly say that television was a major factor to ruined relationships in my life. I'm also terrified of anger and try to never be angry because of poor experiences others have inflicted upon me. I also avoid even the idea of depression. My mind is always a mental game creating something new to steer myself away from that thought. These are a few of the big things that I have seen as parts of other people's lives and I don't want them in mine so I have built who I am to hopefully not include those things.
But there's at least one more aspect of being a product of someone else-
I strive to be a lot of things in my life because of other people I'm close to. I observe my mom and want to be better at serving other people as I have seen her do through her life. I spend time with Matt and realize I want to be more of a peacemaker and a people person. I'm awed by Stephannie's diligent study habits that she not only had in high school but has maintained through college. I am humbled by Brianna's selfless choices that seem to go unnoticed. I impatiently observe Tabitha's art and sewing and overwhelming amount of patience. I've been confused by Jimmy's ability to love. I've spent hours appreciating LOML's passion for music. I've laughed until I couldn't breathe over Geoff's humor. I've become exhausted just watching Leah work. I've always felt loved talking to Ricky. And I want to BE all of these things because of the positive influences I've had in my life. I want to make those parts of them a part of me.
Those are ways that we are a product of other people.
There's also the question though as to what you do when a huge void has appeared in your life.
What do you fill that void with?
There are always the temporary things that you used to do or always planned on doing before the void was first filled.
ya know... like:
watching hours upon hours of tv shows and movies
reading books and escaping to other realities (or non realities)
scrapbooking the past year of your life
volunteering/service
dedicating time to school
putting in extra hours at work
running
stalking people
house repairs
but the thing is... will all those things along with all the things you want to be due to other influences...
Right now I'm part of a Sunday School class focused on relationships. Any of you who have read this blog before know how ridiculously interested I am in relationships. Our teacher is Annie. I am absolutely fascinated by that girl- her personality, her words, and also, how very assertive she is.
We were reminded of the need to be assertive.
Assertive: set boundaries & be direct
Up until today I considered myself a fairly assertive person.
Its not something I've always been-- I'm the quiet one reading a book in the corner, only listening
I'm not sure when that changed but it seems that one day all the silence I'd forced myself to maintain and all that I held back over the years broke loose and hasn't been captured since.
Until today I considered myself an assertive person because I tell people "no." No, I don't want to do that. . . No, I don't agree with what you're saying... No, I won't accept your choice as a finalized decision...
Except, those things are barely true, and only on occasion.
Annie said that we are assertive towards people we really care about. We are assertive because we love them. We are assertive because we want to make things the best that we can.
I can name a couple of those people in my life which I have been assertive towards.
But the rest? Not at all.
I almost always let people walk all over me. It comes down to fear. I am afraid of them.
I am afraid that if I stand up for myself and am direct and set boundaries that they will react in a way that I am terrified of-- whether that means anger or simply not caring at all.
So what do I do instead? I simply shut down and take it. I let them tell me who I am and who I should be and how I should see things and how the decisions I've made in my life are wrong.
Occasionally I will eventually return to the situation and share my thoughts but even that is intimidating. So very intimidating which demonstrates a lack of self-confidence.
Which means... I am not very assertive at all.
So... here's to being more assertive. To knowing what you have to say matters. To being your own individual. To caring enough about someone to set a boundary or tell them "no," no matter how much it may hurt or scare you.
I am convinced that it is our purpose in life to make others happy.
We do this through a limitless number of ways. We teach, we serve, we listen, we share, we love, we pay attention to details, we say crazy random things when we're tired... and in each of those ways along with millions more, we make someone else happy.
I realized today as my miserable prolonged sickness finally reached the point of laying in bed with a copy of Hunger Games why it is that I am so easily broken up by people walking out of my life.
It's because that happiness is gone.
It's because I will never again see them smile or laugh because I something I did. And not only the absence of that happiness in their lives from me but also that my presence in their life causes the opposite effect-- sadness.
How depressing is the idea that someone is happier without you in their life?
That you are something that makes them sad or causes them pain?
When you want to be everything for someone else and live off of their happiness as it becomes your own.. When suddenly your world isn't your own because it's a continuous cycle of happiness from others which makes you happy which makes them happy...
It's difficult to find a new beginning to a circle.
There's also something special about accepting people-- no matter who they are or what dumb little flaws or irritations they may include.
Some have put it this way:
Everyone has an identity. It's how they want to be. You can call it their "beingness."
How great is it to realize that you love someone entirely-- that you don't necessarily love their little quirks but that it is part of who they are so you automatically look past those things. And how great is it to have the confidence that someone sees you that way? To be close enough to someone where you're not self-conscious as to your actions, always waiting to be judged by them.
That's my realization for today- that my fear of losing people I've allowed to enter my life is not so much due to the fear of being alone-- I was alone before they came into my life so I will be fine once they leave it-- but that I fear that I will no longer be enough to be part of their happiness or to be accepted by them entirely.
Well, that realization and also a short blonde moment in which I finally figured out where the term "mutt" came from. It comes from mutation. A mutt is a mutation from an original form.
Some of us are missing pieces. We don't know where we fit. We don't know who we are. We don't know what we want.
In the case of this story, we want a companion.
But what kind of companion? We don't know.
Remember: This is not a love story. It is a relationship story.
Here are some of our companion options:
Someone that we fit with but can't roll/progress: Temporary fun.
Someone who can roll/progress but we don't fit with them: Incompatible but amazing.
Someone who does not know a thing about fitting: Immature, set in their ways.
Someone who does not know a thing about anything: Idiot- run.
Someone who is delicate: Easily offended and high maintenance
Someone who puts us on a pedestal and then leaves us: Trophy companion- only for looks/recognition
Someone who has too many pieces missing: Not up to par, damaged
Someone who has too many pieces: Person slut
Someone who is one of the "hungry ones": desperate, weird
Someone who looks too closely: unalterable list of unattainable requirements
Someone who will roll by without noticing: Uninterested, unobservant
They are all entirely WRONG for us but almost always, we must experience what doesn't work before we discover what does.
Here are some ways we try to change ourselves:
Attempt to be more attractive: time is all spent trying to impress others
Make ourselves flashy which may scare away the shy ones: draw unnecessary attention to ourselves
The missing piece was changing itself for the wrong reasons. It wasn't doing it for itself. It was targeting what the companions it thought it wanted were looking for- not improving itself for personal reasons.
Here are different forms of relationships:
Ones in which we originally fit just right but then we began to grow which leaves us alone due to companions that wanted a missing piece that wouldn't increase: limiting our potential
Ones in which we don't fit correctly but we attempt to force ourselves to anyways: desperate need of companionship, not taking no as an option
No matter how much we force something that is wrong, it will never work. Time may change the circumstances or people in order that it will work someday but some sort of change- whether a mental perception by a party member or some kind of personal change by a member- must take place. Forcing together something that just broke without changing the situation or parts won't make any progress.
Here is the process of finding ourselves/defining who we are and improving that self:
flopping
bumping
bouncing
rolling
until we have polished off our roughest edges
We have control of one thing- ourselves. We cannot change other people. We cannot change situations. We cannot change relationships. We can only change ourselves and ya know what? That's a huge potential.
And after all of this-
After the mismatched companions that we attempted to match ourselves with
After the failed attempts at changing ourselves in a way that was not to improve ourselves, but to improve the way people saw us
After failed attempts at relationships that were unhealthy or not meant to be
After flopping, bumping, bouncing, rolling along- perfecting ourselves
...
we reach an O
or in other words,
PERFECTION
THIS is where I have an issue. I don't like the ending to the book. I like the process that the missing piece went through. I like what it learned and how I am able to see where I have gone through every one of those scenarios. I like the focus on improving ourselves because that is the only thing that we truly have control over. BUT I don't like that the missing piece ends as an O, even though O represents perfection.
WHY don't I like this?
Well, how are the two O's supposed to form a companionship? The point of having a companion is that each of you complete what the other is not. You fill the voids in their lives and help them grow. You cannot be your own entirely separate person, already perfected to work in a companionship- you must be able to flop, bump, bounce, and roll together.
