Where I Belong

 I was talking with a friend the other day about why I hate the idea of spending time in Utah right now. It's for a mixture of reasons........... 

--a good chunk of it is made up of a few different men folk that were once a huge part of my life. It's not because I hate them. It's not because I still love them. My anxiety comes from reentering a memory that doesn't even seem real anymore. Like it is a faded dream that never really existed.
--another part stems from a road trip I took one weekend with my best friend. It's not because I miss her, although that is so very true. It's because road trips like that don't exist anymore. They're a mere episode from that past that I LOVED doing.
--the final reason that automatically comes to mind is a scout camp I worked at for two summers called Beaver High Adventure Base (BHAB). That was the place where I first changed. It is where I grew up. It is where I learned how to work and how to love and be loved. I was recently informed that the lodge up there has been deemed a safety hazard so they'll be setting up a new lodge. I think a part of me died to learn that. You'd think its just a dumb old cabin but it was my everything. Some of my greatest memories belong to that lodge.

Point is, each of these associations I have with Utah were places or people or situations I belonged to or they belonged to me. 

And now they're gone.

"I dont think bad memories go away until you decide to make new good ones."

 These aren't necessarily bad memories... most of them are actually quite wonderful but the thing is, I am afraid of confronting them right now but must eventually do so as I replace them with new ones.

It comes down to not knowing where we belong.

I just hit that point where I suddenly am needing to make a list in order to remember where I belong.

But the list now is so incredibly smaller than it was even a month ago.

And is still shrinking.

Hence, the need for replacement in order to not dwell on that which has been lost or is ended.

I used to belong at a campground and cabin in Colorado with my family. 

A drought has destroyed the land and the cabin is in pieces.

Along with my family.

I used to belong to the classification of being a really good student.

I just filled out an entire final in which I knew no answers.

My motivation is gone.

I used to often enjoy playing instruments and dancing.

I am not willing to bring up the people I relate to those things.

So I am silent.

I am a student at ASU. 

But soon I'll graduate.

Then what?

My secrets and dreams belong to my best friend.

But the ones I want to tell cannot listen.

So I write blog posts.

You see, I don't really know where I belong right now. 

So many things I am connected to are temporary.. eagerly awaiting change. 

School. My living situation. My employment. My friends. Those I love.

Everyone needs to feel like they belong somewhere whether they belong to a group (school...church...) or to a classification (good student.... dedicated friend..) or to a person (best friend and/or boyfriend)

Belonging is an anchor of stability and trust.