Oh.. the friend zone.. every single person's fear and annoyance.
Within a week of when I got home this summer I had been friend zoned so many times I wanted to vomit.
It was the same story every time. I'd meet this guy.. think he was great.. get to be friends with him.. and as soon as things went any further I got stonewalled.
These guys even delivered the same lines-- something like:
"Don't think you're not amazing, because you really are. You're gorgeous and smart and tons of fun to be around but I'm just not interested in being in a relationship with you. I count you as one of my good friends but that's it."
It's gotten to the point where I just start laughing as they deliver the lines because I can almost say them in sync with the deliverer.
I've never gotten a solid answer as to why this happens to me other than the 'my mind says yes but my heart says no' story like my post just prior to this one.
I can't answer my own questions but maybe I can give you some food for thought with something I have learned known as Box Theory.
Within a week of when I got home this summer I had been friend zoned so many times I wanted to vomit.
It was the same story every time. I'd meet this guy.. think he was great.. get to be friends with him.. and as soon as things went any further I got stonewalled.
These guys even delivered the same lines-- something like:
"Don't think you're not amazing, because you really are. You're gorgeous and smart and tons of fun to be around but I'm just not interested in being in a relationship with you. I count you as one of my good friends but that's it."
It's gotten to the point where I just start laughing as they deliver the lines because I can almost say them in sync with the deliverer.
I've never gotten a solid answer as to why this happens to me other than the 'my mind says yes but my heart says no' story like my post just prior to this one.
I can't answer my own questions but maybe I can give you some food for thought with something I have learned known as Box Theory.
Box Theory, taught to me by my co-counselor Scott, originating from his friend Beth Roberts, and shared with permission (did I do this right this time Brianna???) is a simple but logical theory on the attention girls give to boys.
Girls put boys in three different boxes:
Box 1: Boys that a girl likes.
Box 2: Boys a girl wishes liked her.
Box 3: Boys that like a girl.
Which box do you think gets the most attention? Box 2 of course. Isn't that what we've heard for so long? Part of the magic is the chase. If a girl wants a guy to like her she'll often give him lots of attention. This sometimes results in the guy then being interested in the girl which moves him from box 2 to box 3. Oooh..... not a place you want to be. Why? Box 3 is the friend zone!
The 'trick' is for a guy to stay in box 2 as long as he can until hopefully he gets moved over to box 1 rather than box 3.
If a guy notices he's heading into box 3 he has to back off & pay attention to other things in order to avoid being 'friend zoned.'
That's the theory.
What do you think?
I think for the most part.. she's got the box juggling scenario down pretty well.
However, the red flag pops up for me when it is suggested that a boy needs to force the chase to continue in order to be placed in box 1 rather than box 3.
I somewhat disagree.
I guess it depends on a girl's personality but for me, your time being chased in box 2 has a very real expiration date. After a point I'm going to get tired of chasing and simply walk away.
It's fun and all.. but only to a point.
Any other thoughts on this theory?
hmmm. Interesting points. I have a few problems with the theory and a few things I like. I mention the problems first because I have my thoughts together better on them.
ReplyDeleteFirst, why is it impossible to move from box three into box one or two? Not just saying this because I've been three'd more than I'd care to admit but also because I've done it. I don't believe this is the exception to the rule either, I think it can be done, but it needs... for the lack of a better term, care and precision. Is it because it's so much less romantic? or because that isn't the things happen? I have choice words for those arguments. I suppose my point is, box three is definitely something to be watched out for but it isn't always a negative.(if i understand it right) could it be split into more than one box then?
The second goes along with your concern about the chase. Does the girl do the chasing? The guy? It can go either way, and depending on the personality types things could go really well or really wrong, either way in my mind a chase needs to be going somewhere. Keep it going and somebody is going to run out of breathe. There needs to be a destination for both people.
I enjoy the idea though. It makes things simple and gives a general outline of thoughts and actions. I'm not really sure how to explain other likes about this, unfortunately. try specific questions.
Now here is a question. Is it always an absolute? Obviously girls are very different from each other but once a fellow is put into box three is there a way out, in a girls mind?
Here's my thought as to why there's not really a direct path between box 1 and box 3. It's still possible but this is what makes it more difficult. It's called ladder theory. I wrote about it some time in the past year but I can't find it so I'll just summarize it really quickly again. Each person has a ladder that they place people of the opposite sex on. The more you like them, the higher up they are on your ladder. While men have one ladder, women have two. Rather than placing everyone of the opposite sex on one ladder, women divide this pool of people into people they are romantically interested in and people they see as friends. While it is fairly easy to move up and down these ladders you are placed on, it's more difficult to jump from one to the other. You could say that women have ladders for box 1 and box 3 while men simply encompass all boxes into one ladder.
DeleteDoes that mostly answer your question?
Once you have been friend zoned by a girl its difficult to have her change her perception of you into a romantic view. The opposite works too. Once a girl sees you romantically its harder for that to change to just friendship.
It's not impossible for this to happen-- I've seen it happen plenty. Just more difficult.
yes amanda, you did do that right this time. Thank you.
ReplyDeletemy philosophy is. JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!! why does everything gotta be so complicated????? i've seen friends moved to liked persons many many many times. and liked persons moved to friends. it's all possible. now don't worry about it. if you've been friended and you're devastated, my daddy always says this... there are five more down the road: two are richer, two are cuter, and one is both. move on. you'll find the right one.