Mirror, Mirror

"Write hard and clear about what hurts." 

~Ernest Hemingway

The pain I have caused myself doesn't even compare to any other trial I've faced in my life.

Let me write hard and clear about this topic because, more than anything else, this is what hurts.

I am in awe of how horribly I, and many of those around me, treat themselves.

I've had a few realizations this weekend helping me grasp what is going on in my mind as to how I perceive myself and it's given me a real wake-up call. 

1. My status in society.

I returned home from China this summer ambitious and ready to become employed in a career. I applied for job after job and took a pretty hard hit on my esteem as I was continually denied a response to my applications, let alone an interview or employment. I was getting really frustrated at being turned down even though I have what I perceive to be a pretty decent resumé. 

I'm just a no-one who graduated over a year ago and still hasn't done anything career-related with her life. Why would they hire me when there are so many other people out there with more experience? No matter how hard I try I will never be enough for the jobs I really want.

That is what I lowered myself to-- the things I was lacking.

2. My relationship with men.

It often feels like the men in my life aren't good enough for me or I'm not good enough for them. There is very rarely equal ground. Currently, it's the latter. There's this fear that continually gnaws on my confidence. Not the typical I don't feel pretty enough or what if I don't have the qualities he's looking for? sort of insecurities, but things much deeper. Things like what if he believes deep down I'm a cynical jerk? or my family situation is so far from the Mormon ideal it's going to scare him off.

Again, the focus is on the things I am lacking.

3. My perception of myself.

I know I'm great. I know I'm funny, smart and independent. I know I give good advice and walk confidently, proud of who I am. I know I'm brave, strong, and ready for new adventures. 

But when I wake up in the morning, what do I think? Amanda, you're beautiful and you are going to great things this day? Ha! Amanda, you slept in late and still need to do blah-de-blah-blah before you feel like you're anywhere close to satisfied with what you made of your day is more like it. I see myself as a myriad of things to improve on rather than a stack of things I've done that make me proud. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, I've found it's rough only looking at the things I'm lacking rather than seeing the power and magic of the potential I possess. 

And that's what hurts.

I see myself and those around me, so wrapped up in fear of never being enough that they are missing the big, beautiful, wonderful picture of all they really are.

1. I am an intelligent person seeking out higher employment in order to better develop my skills.

2. I am one cute chick, confident of herself in the company of her friends.

3. I am stellar. I am love personified, reaching out to bring that to the world.

And all those around me need to see themselves as that too. 

But so often we miss it all.

And more than anything else, that hurts.