Plastic From China

A huge part of college-aged life is figuring out who you are and what you want to do with yourself. One of the parts that isn't highlighted nearly as much is what happens if you don't like the person you discover or if people around you don't like you either.

For Christmas a year ago I got a letter that helped put to words my greatest triumphs and deepest struggles. It helped me come to terms with how much I loathed parts of myself and gave me a starting point to a personal reconstruction.

A year later I stand before you a different person in many ways, still struggling with a few things, but better educated on myself and what I want than ever before. I love myself and I love my life. And if I was alone in the world, life would be sunshine and daisies.

The issue that arises is that there ARE people and I DO have to live with them. And sometimes, they just don't like me. I scare people and honestly, I enjoy scaring them. By being my full blown, all around glorious self, I. Scare. People. Especially in the LDS world.

I am like bacon on a Jewish sabbath: deliciously repulsive.

Guuuuurl what you been doin' that people gots to go hatin' on you for?

Well sista friends, I gots to say, nuthin' too terrible.

I don't torture animals or sleep around or pick my nose (in public).

I go to church every week and have a decent job and say my please and thank you's.

But, heaven forbid, I enjoy walking around in whatever I want at my house. I share diarrhea stories around the table during Christmas dinner. And if I'm somewhere I don't want to be, I leave.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I am socially unacceptable.

I don't want to be Relief Society President-esqeue. I don't want to volunteer at an old folks' home or tell my friends that I will be praying for them.

But for heaven sakes I am TIRED of the reactions. I am tired of people saying hi to me with pity in their eyes. I'm tired of being put on the agenda in church meetings for possible wayward souls. In fact, I am so tired of all of this that sometimes I wonder if I should cut the stubborn resistance and pretend I'm a part of everything I make a point to separate myself from.

“I have nobody. I have surrounded myself with people who are fake just because I need to talk to somebody.” ~Nikki Reed

Fake it 'til you make it. BE FAKE the world screams! But wait, be true to who you are at the same time. Be who you are and love who you are but still be socially acceptable. If the people around you are dancing, DANCE! If they're bubbly, LAUGH ALONG. “It's better to be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else,” but just make sure you don't show all your cards because that might scare people off.

“It's better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody.” ~Matt Damon

I've been thinking on this idea for a few weeks now and talking to a friend the other night I was a little relieved to discover I have an army backing me up.

Me: “What's the number one thing you look for when dating?”

Friend: “Oh gosh I don't know. Molly Mormon is one of the biggest turn offs though, haha.”

“Why?”

“I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid they will get offended if I'm just myself around them. I guess I just assume they are judgmental. I guess thats judgmental of me.”

People are often scared of what they don't know. Just as others don't know me, I often don't take the time to get to know them very well so all-in-all this ranting can be thrown out the window because maybe I'm just as guilty.

The nice part is that even though you may feel the need to be fake for 99% of the people you meet, that 1% loves every bit of your non-standard self and when it comes down to it, those are the only people who actually matter.

“True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness & ignorance.” ~Henry David Thoreau