I Am Born Again

Yesterday morning I woke up from a dream that did an excellent job in reconstructing my waking situation and fears. I decided to make a final effort to permanently resolve things in my life and discovered that the finality I was searching for came much quicker and easier than I had expected, leaving me absolutely devastated.

At that moment I had a decision to make--

I could continue in this heart-breaking pain 

OR..  OR.....

I could realize that I'd already experienced several moments like this before in my life and that I'd healed from them before so there was very little point in making myself miserable before I let that happen again.

And I chose the second option.

The lines from an old favorite song came to mind:

Caught in the middle of a crossfire
Lost my balance on a high wire
Trying to figure out what to do

Pushed to the edge of my reason
Everywhere around me it's treason
I don't want to do that to you

Kamikaze airplanes in the sky
Are we going down or will we fly?
This could be a shipwreck on the shore
Or we could sail away forevermore
This time it's sink or swim, sink or swim

I realized I was floating. Not drowning but not going anywhere either. Not just in this situation but for the past 6 months of my life. 

Looking back on that choice I thought about a scene from Titanic that, although I'm being awkward and comparing my own life to it, I feel describes my situation very well.

You can start at 2:00.

I've been out in the middle of the ocean freezing to death, holding on to something that is dead and gone. And yesterday, I let it go and started swimming.

I pulled out one of my journals and I began writing. And writing.... and writing.

As I wrote, I found myself again. That wonderful, beautiful girl who smiles and laughs and defies average expectations.

In case you've forgotten or never really had the opportunity to meet her, here she is:

:)

Hi-- my name is Amanda.

Today is my 22nd birthday and it has been one of the best so far. No, I'm not in Hawaii kayaking on the ocean or in San Francisco eating clam chowder in Fisherman's Wharf.. I'm home in Mesa attending institute and eating pumpkin roll while I work on one of my favorite hobbies, blogging. What makes this birthday so special? I've spent it in contact with so many people that love me.

I am proactive, positive, and alive.

When I woke up this morning I thanked God for another beautiful day full of sunshine and joy.

Some things about me-- I own my own house, have a bachelor's degree in geology, and am moving to China in a month. Those things don't really matter very much though because it is what brought me to them that I am proud of. I had a vision to succeed in each of those areas and my deep love for each of those things, along with my desire to create and work have made me proud of myself.

I'm a protector of those close to me, often to a fault. I try to give my best to making those I love happy and develop deep emotional bonds that I find extremely difficult to break.

I'm a clean freak although you wouldn't know that by the state of my bedroom right now. (That's why I'm currently hiding in the clean living room.) I enjoy cleaning and organizing and the drop in stress level when I do. You'll find most of my DVDs, CDs, and books in alphabetic order along with a style, color, and size organized closet.

I am a Mormon and I love the options that have been added to my life because of it. I love studying scriptures, especially the General Conference talks. I love going to the temple weekly and the joy and peace it brings into my life. I love that I can be sealed to my best friend some day and that my family can be together forever and have the blessings of that covenant both for the eternities and for this life.

I'm a traveller. I crave going to new places and experiencing all they have to offer. It's where most of my money goes and I try to take every opportunity I am offered to get out of town. I enjoy being a tourist but the true reward of traveling comes when you get to experience the people and culture on a personal level.

I love the outdoors. My body needs fresh air whether I'm camping, hiking, tanning by the pool, kayaking, swimming, or simply taking a long walk around the neighborhood at night. I'm guaranteed to be happier and feeling better.

I'm fascinated with relationships. I read about them, watch them on TV, and analyze them in real life. I can't get over how incredible love between two people is-- that even though a million things could make a relationship fail, somehow it still survives.

I love event planning whether we're talking about weddings, birthday parties, trips, or youth camps... They all have this energy about them and after a complicated process of scheduling everything together you create a happy outcome.

My love language is quality time and that is what I will offer to you to show I care and what will mean the most to me in return.

I'm fascinated by mass deaths. The Holocaust, the Martin & Willie handcart companies.. those kinds of things. It's the total awe of such events existing and the curiosity about the why and how these people played their own roles that reels me in.

I'm a creator. I love taking an idea in my mind and then building it whether I'm making a Bellatrix dress for the final Harry Potter premier or remodeling my house or developing a relationship. I feel very rewarded in accomplishing these tasks and realizing the capabilities I have as I learn new things in the process.

And finally, 3 words to describe me:

Rebellious, Honest, Adorable

Rebellious- in the sense that I challenge expectations. I don't like people getting too set on one part of who I am and I want to prove to them that I have so much more to offer. I don't like always doing what people expect of me so sometimes I simply don't.

Honest- you want the whole truth? Ya got it. I like to say things how they are. If I have a comment or a question, I speak up. I'll never lie to you- I value the truth too much.

Adorable- It's my hope that I am at least a little bit cute and witty and spunky enough to be deemed as someone that one could adore.

That incredible girl who has finally found herself and is here to stay,

Amanda.

It's amazing the change and happiness I've felt from merely having a couple hours of contemplation and a new mind set. I'm not perfect and I don't always know what to do with myself but I know who I am. Perhaps I can be categorized as perfectly imperfect? I've always loved the phrase "a sparkle in your eyes." It's something I've related to love but thinking of it now its more of a pure happiness. I feel like Yvainne in Stardust- glowing with joy.