Well as of right now (I believe) I've been in China for exactly 1 month. I know I gave you a little update a week or so ago but I thought I'd do another one.
Here's a few things I'd like to highlight on:
I'm getting used to "China." I put that in quotes (possibly incorrectly) because China not only refers to the country but how we now use the term China as an adjective. Ex: "smells like China"... "tastes like China"... I realize that China is still a noun in those sentences but by the way we say them there's very much a connotation that what we are experiencing is Chinese, or, China. There's the food that ranges from having no taste or flavor at all to being vegetables drenched in oil to having so much spicy Chinese pizza-flavored flavor in my Chinese Ramen that I washed it off before I ate it. Twice. I'm getting used to wearing shoes any time I walk into my bathroom whether I'm showering or not. It's just that gross. I'm getting used to the wind tunnel that forms an icy obstacle between our dorms and the cafeteria. I'm getting used to the constant noise of people loudly hawking (sp?) loogies (sp?) and spitting next to me (even old women do it). I'm getting used to the toddler on the bus who is in the process of potty-training and therefore had a slit in the back and front of his pants for easy access and therefore either has his front or back privates displayed for you. I'm getting used to people staring at me, taking pictures with me, and commenting on my blue hair.
In fact, I am so used to all of this that I'm turned off most of the time at the idea of eating chicken nuggets and fries for dinner. I'm so used to it that I'm now part of the group that stares when they see a white person and then talks about them even though they're standing 10 feet away. (This really happened at DQ the other night, poor guy.) I'm so used to it that I'm excited to see cooked cabbage and fried tofu on my dinner plate with a delicious side of rice. I'm so used to it that I wore my shoes in my room until I was ready to go to sleep last night.
And do you know what? I am going to miss it terribly.
I love my children. I have 60 children and I'm still working on learning all of Talon's kids (that are now part of my 60) but even though I just thought to myself that I only like half of them, I really could find love for them all if I tried. These kids need so desperately to be loved and want so much for someone to love them. Bruce is one of my students that comes up to me and instantly melts my heart. I think I might even be working against loving them because I'm afraid if I let myself that I'll love them too much to let go. I cannot hardly even wait to tuck them in bed tomorrow night.
I love my life here. I love waking up in the morning in a simple room and realizing once again how very very happy I am. I had been so miserable before I came here-- happy on the surface but deep down really struggling with myself. And that is gone. It's not even that much really changed. It's more that I was finally able to have a new start and simply let all of my baggage go. I'm discovering how to be fully happy-- not for the purpose or goal of being happy but more that I am living my life in a way that when the day is over I realize that's what I've created as the end product. And I really really love being able to say that I am finally at a point that I can accept myself and love myself and therefore let other people do that too. I'm finally enough.
I would love to keep writing and tell you about what has been going on that doesn't really fit into an "I did this" style post but it is far past midnight and I do need to get some sleep.
I can't believe I'm already 1/4 of the way done.
I'm already starting to dream about what adventure will wait for me next.
All my love,
Amanda
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