Highest Potential

Several weeks ago one of the people in my group here in China asked me a question that caught me completely off guard. He preluded his question by saying how I have my life figured out and I know what I want and then compared me to someone I was interested in who doesn't know who he is or what he's doing.

"Why are you pursuing that?"

I honest can't remember what answer I gave him.

I have, however, since come up with 3 possible answers to that question in any scenario:

1. Because we think that's what we deserve.

I can't think of a single person I know who hasn't shortchanged themselves in a relationship. Myself, I've got a pretty long list. And I'm not necessarily referring to dating someone who isn't as good as you but also dating people who are simply wrong for you, trying to fit somewhere they don't belong. 

WHY? Why do we date them? Why do we get ourselves into something that is so obviously wrong to others but maybe not completely written out on paper for us?

I think it's because often we want so badly to have someone in our lives that if that type of person is the only one giving us attention we go for it because we think it's the best we're going to get.

I really like how it was phrased in the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower:

Sam: Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?

Charlie: We accept the love we think we deserve.

2. Because we need to be needed. 

Life's not about finding someone perfect. I think we often underestimate the value of having someone to grow with. Everyone has their issues that they're working on and that's perfectly okay and, in my opinion, very necessary to work through in a relationship. As we face our own problems some seek out a companion to struggle through those situations with and who better to do it with than someone who is learning with you? There's something to be said about having someone alongside you who needs you and you need them. Trying to work on my own issues next to someone who already has their life figured out just doesn't sound very intimate or healthy.

3. Because we see them in their highest potential.

I think a quote from Eat, Pray, Love is more than adequate to explain:

“I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency to not only see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.” 

Sometimes people will rise to their highest potential and being able to see that potential and believe they can become that person is important. However, as the quote says, sometimes we get so involved in this perfected form that we forget to ground ourselves and still see the here and now.

If you're ever asked that question I think any or all replies are perfectly acceptable as long as you're aware of what the answer is and are okay with it. If someone doesn't have everything in their life figured out that doesn't warrant a red flag, it just asks for a little more patience and understanding.