Be Assertive. Be BE ASSERTIVE!

Right now I'm part of a Sunday School class focused on relationships. Any of you who have read this blog before know how ridiculously interested I am in relationships. Our teacher is Annie. I am absolutely fascinated by that girl- her personality, her words, and also, how very assertive she is.

We were reminded of the need to be assertive.

Assertive: set boundaries & be direct

Up until today I considered myself a fairly assertive person.

Its not something I've always been-- I'm the quiet one reading a book in the corner, only listening

I'm not sure when that changed but it seems that one day all the silence I'd forced myself to maintain and all that I held back over the years broke loose and hasn't been captured since.

Until today I considered myself an assertive person because I tell people "no." No, I don't want to do that. . . No, I don't agree with what you're saying... No, I won't accept your choice as a finalized decision...

Except, those things are barely true, and only on occasion.

Annie said that we are assertive towards people we really care about. We are assertive because we love them. We are assertive because we want to make things the best that we can.

I can name a couple of those people in my life which I have been assertive towards.

But the rest? Not at all.

I almost always let people walk all over me. It comes down to fear. I am afraid of them.

I am afraid that if I stand up for myself and am direct and set boundaries that they will react in a way that I am terrified of-- whether that means anger or simply not caring at all. 

So what do I do instead? I simply shut down and take it. I let them tell me who I am and who I should be and how I should see things and how the decisions I've made in my life are wrong.

Occasionally I will eventually return to the situation and share my thoughts but even that is intimidating. So very intimidating which demonstrates a lack of self-confidence.

Which means... I am not very assertive at all.

So... here's to being more assertive. To knowing what you have to say matters. To being your own individual. To caring enough about someone to set a boundary or tell them "no," no matter how much it may hurt or scare you.

Be assertive... Be. Be.. ASSERTIVE.

Making Others Happy

I am convinced that it is our purpose in life to make others happy. 

We do this through a limitless number of ways. We teach, we serve, we listen, we share, we love, we pay attention to details, we say crazy random things when we're tired... and in each of those ways along with millions more, we make someone else happy.

I realized today as my miserable prolonged sickness finally reached the point of laying in bed with a copy of Hunger Games why it is that I am so easily broken up by people walking out of my life.

It's because that happiness is gone. 

It's because I will never again see them smile or laugh because I something I did. And not only the absence of that happiness in their lives from me but also that my presence in their life causes the opposite effect-- sadness. 

How depressing is the idea that someone is happier without you in their life? 

That you are something that makes them sad or causes them pain?

When you want to be everything for someone else and live off of their happiness as it becomes your own.. When suddenly your world isn't your own because it's a continuous cycle of happiness from others which makes you happy which makes them happy... 

It's difficult to find a new beginning to a circle.

There's also something special about accepting people-- no matter who they are or what dumb little flaws or irritations they may include.

Some have put it this way:

Everyone has an identity. It's how they want to be. You can call it their "beingness."

How great is it to realize that you love someone entirely-- that you don't necessarily love their little quirks but that it is part of who they are so you automatically look past those things. And how great is it to have the confidence that someone sees you that way? To be close enough to someone where you're not self-conscious as to your actions, always waiting to be judged by them.

That's my realization for today- that my fear of losing people I've allowed to enter my life is not so much due to the fear of being alone-- I was alone before they came into my life so I will be fine once they leave it-- but that I fear that I will no longer be enough to be part of their happiness or to be accepted by them entirely. 

Well, that realization and also a short blonde moment in which I finally figured out where the term "mutt" came from. It comes from mutation. A mutt is a mutation from an original form.

My Life As A Triangle

OR

Here's a Powerpoint version

(It's a little faster)

Some of us are missing pieces. We don't know where we fit. We don't know who we are. We don't know what we want.

In the case of this story, we want a companion.
But what kind of companion? We don't know.

Remember: This is not a love story. It is a relationship story.

Here are some of our companion options:

Someone that we fit with but can't roll/progress: Temporary fun.

Someone who can roll/progress but we don't fit with them: Incompatible but amazing.

Someone who does not know a thing about fitting: Immature, set in their ways.

Someone who does not know a thing about anything: Idiot- run.

Someone who is delicate: Easily offended and high maintenance

Someone who puts us on a pedestal and then leaves us: Trophy companion- only for looks/recognition

Someone who has too many pieces missing: Not up to par, damaged

Someone who has too many pieces: Person slut

Someone who is one of the "hungry ones": desperate, weird

Someone who looks too closely: unalterable list of unattainable requirements

Someone who will roll by without noticing: Uninterested, unobservant

They are all entirely WRONG for us but almost always, we must experience what doesn't work before we discover what does.

Here are some ways we try to change ourselves:
Attempt to be more attractive: time is all spent trying to impress others
Make ourselves flashy which may scare away the shy ones: draw unnecessary attention to ourselves

The missing piece was changing itself for the wrong reasons. It wasn't doing it for itself. It was targeting what the companions it thought it wanted were looking for- not improving itself for personal reasons.

Here are different forms of relationships:

Ones in which we originally fit just right but then we began to grow which leaves us alone due to companions that wanted a missing piece that wouldn't increase: limiting our potential
Ones in which we don't fit correctly but we attempt to force ourselves to anyways: desperate need of companionship, not taking no as an option
No matter how much we force something that is wrong, it will never work. Time may change the circumstances or people in order that it will work someday but some sort of change- whether a mental perception by a party member or some kind of personal change by a member- must take place. Forcing together something that just broke without changing the situation or parts won't make any progress.

Here is the process of finding ourselves/defining who we are and improving that self:

flopping

bumping 

bouncing

rolling

until we have polished off our roughest edges
We have control of one thing- ourselves. We cannot change other people. We cannot change situations. We cannot change relationships. We can only change ourselves and ya know what? That's a huge potential.

And after all of this-
After the mismatched companions that we attempted to match ourselves with
After the failed attempts at changing ourselves in a way that was not to improve ourselves, but to improve the way people saw us
After failed attempts at relationships that were unhealthy or not meant to be
After flopping, bumping, bouncing, rolling along- perfecting ourselves
...
we reach an O
or in other words,
PERFECTION

THIS is where I have an issue. I don't like the ending to the book. I like the process that the missing piece went through. I like what it learned and how I am able to see where I have gone through every one of those scenarios. I like the focus on improving ourselves because that is the only thing that we truly have control over. BUT I don't like that the missing piece ends as an O, even though O represents perfection.

WHY don't I like this?

Well, how are the two O's supposed to form a companionship? The point of having a companion is that each of you complete what the other is not. You fill the voids in their lives and help them grow. You cannot be your own entirely separate person, already perfected to work in a companionship- you must be able to flop, bump, bounce, and roll together.

Silverstein, please write a sequel.

Caves are an Instant Refuge From the Storm that Caused Them

How absolutely fantastic would it be to live in a place like this? A house inside a cave. The thing is, often when we think about caves we don't associate beautiful, comfortable things. When I think of caves I imaging dark, damp tunnels with little oxygen that is closing in on me from all sides. In fact, total darkness is part of a cave's definition:
"A cave is a natural underground space large enough for a human to enter. The term applies to natural cavities some part of which is in total darkness"
Most people probably don't know that I'm a little bit claustrophobic. I confirmed the existence of this phobia in my life the last time I went in a cave. Luckily for me, I am capable of realizing that it is an irrational mental thought and for the most part, move past my fear. We'll come back to that thought later. 
So how are caves formed? 
"Caves are formed by various geologic processes. These may involve a combination of chemical processes, erosion from water, tectonic forces, microorganisms, pressure, atmospheric influences, and even digging."
Caves are formed from destruction. Caves are FORMED from DESTRUCTION. It's interesting to think that a destructive process could create something new and beautiful. 


After something in our life is destroyed, a cave is formed. Here are some types of caves:

1. Solutional caves: They are the most common form of caves, usually formed from soft rocks such as limestones that are eroded away by water. 
These types of caves may be situations in our lives that we wish were stronger but there's nothing we can really do about it so drop by drop, we are forced further into the darkness of a constantly forming cave.

2: Primary Caves: These are usually lava tubes, formed when surface lava cools, leaving voids where the lava below the crust flows out.
These caves may be times in our lives when we are sprinting with everything we have but no matter how much we push ourselves we keep being swept out under the surface, leaving empty voids.

3. Sea caves: These are formed along ocean coasts as the result of waves and weak cliffs.
These caves may be formed when we put on a brave face but piece by piece the waves in our lives break us apart.

4. Corrasional/erosional caves: These caves are also formed by water flow except that this time it is a zone of weakness although it can occur in rocks as hard as granite.
These may be the one crack in the solidest parts of who we are. Everyone has a weakness that when attacked for long enough, can erode away even the hardest shells of protection.

The idea of caves came to my mind last night when talking to my roommates in the kitchen and as I was leaving to go back in my room one asked if I was returning to my cave. My cave... Well of course my mind took off in a thousand different directions, figuring out what my caves are and what kind of parallels I could line up with caves. 

Here's what I came up with:

I have three main physical caves:

The first is my bedroom. I absolutely love my bedroom. I fell in love with it the first time I saw it and it is the main reason I bought the house that I did. It was the last room in my house that I worked on, partially because other demands came first but part of it was because I wanted to make it perfect and I was still planning how to do so. For those of you who have not seen my bedroom, it has a vaulted ceiling with a mirror covering an entire wall. It has a big sliding door our to my back porch and a walk-in closet along with a huge shower. I covered the walls with bright green, teal, and light blue paint along with ocean/ship themed decorations. I have a string door separating the bedroom area from the rest of the room with thick shag carpet on one side and light gray porcelain tile on the other. My bathroom is magenta and dark gray with a blue and green flower border joining the two together. I took out the shower doors and replaced them with a colorful shower curtain. My bed is cherrywood from a thrift store nearby, accompanied with a soft gray couch and a white wicker desk. I can explain to you why I chose every part of my room and why I love it. 

So why is it a cave? It is where I hide from the world. I know that I can go in my room and in it I feel entirely safe and comfortable and calm because it is created by me. It is a perfect world that I have created and in it I feel protected. I have complete control of my room.

My second physical cave is the Dietz Museum at ASU where I spend a majority of my time on campus. It's where I work for my job. It's where I work for GeoClub. It's where I hide from a noisy campus and work on homework or catch up on a tv episode. The museum is somewhere that is very much me. And in it I have control and traces showing what I have made it become. I feel safe there because it is mine.

My last physical cave is a location that only my closest friends know about. It is where I go to hide and find myself when my world is crashing down. This place is filled with memories and is a connection of things that have defined who I am. In this place I feel free from pain and other people. In this place I can be whatever I decide I want to. Complete control. 

People also have mental/emotional caves. 

Those kinds of caves in my life are where I hide when I don't want to accept (or can't) understand something. I don't know what to do and the destructive situation is causing so much turmoil in my life that it creates one of these caves. Everyone has at least one cave in their life whether it lasts five minutes or a life time. It is where we withdraw to hide in complete darkness where we know that we are protected and that we have control and where we don't have to fear from others because as we hide, we are in control. 

Where are your caves? Both physically and mentally/emotionally? 

And is it time to see some sunshine?

I know I'm a little bit more pale than I'd like to be.

Demand #1: Date me.

It's often said that a picture is worth a thousand words.. I feel like this is an easy one to list:

.

..

... 

woman

red

devil

expensive

snob

business

control

demanding

sexy

...

..

.

There are girls in this world who are never satisfied-- especially in the dating world.

First they say they never get asked out on dates.

Then they say they they get asked out at least weekly.

They complain that the guy didn't pay for everything.

Then they complain that its insulting to not let the girl pay for anything.

They complain that an expensive dinner and a show is just a guy making up for a lack of good personality.

Then they complain that inexpensive dates show that the guy doesn't see them as worth the money.

So pardon my language, but what the hell do they want?

----News flash----

It doesn't matter.

Now MannaDarlin'.... you're being too harsh. All girls are beautiful daughters of God who deserve the very best.

I agree.

But...

let's be realistic.

Here's some of the basic rules I personally have:

1. Always say yes to a first date (unless you are currently dating someone, just broke off something serious and still have a couple days left on your week long allowance of moping around the house, OR if he's a TOTAL creeper. You can always deal with a tiny bit of creepy though.)
2. Be a lady/gentleman and expect that your date will do the same. Manners and etiquette are necessary. I don't care if you think they are simply extra decoration, I deem them necessary.
3. If you want to go out on a date with someone (whether you are a boy OR girl... ASK them out. I realize that we live in a society that is very much focused on men doing the initial work- (asking out on dates, paying, proposing...) BUT that doesn't mean that if you are a girl you can't have some pretend cojones and ask the dang boy out. However, for most of the time, I still see it as a man's role in life to be the one actively making an effort towards dating with girls properly receiving that effort.
4. If you don't like someone, don't go on a second date with them. A majority of the time, you will be able to say after 1 date whether or not you could see yourself spending eternity with your date. There are exceptions to this so while further dates are not personally recommended, getting to know them better through group activities are still encouraged until you are positive they're a DB or are just not your type.
5. If someone disappoints you, let them go. Immediately. I'm not taking about super minor stuff like, "oh! he didn't open my car door when we got out of the car to go in the restaurant" therefore I'm done with you. No. I'm talking about your date not showing respect or sending texts back like, "My day was good." 

These are the things that come to my mind at the moment....I could write a hundred more but these are some of the basics. Why do I share these? Because I feel slightly bad for those men who have to deal with the stupid little girls who simply don't get it. When it comes down to it, there are the girls who deserve dates every so often and hopefully those are the girls that land dates. There are also the girls who simply haven't earned dates. Don't worry about them too much. Still love them. Still be their friends. Still be in their lives but don't reward them for their selfish whining. 

If I were a boy (which I am SO grateful I am not!) I would focus my time on the girls who are going to make dating worthwhile. The girls who are going to appreciate a date rather than demand it. It's not always obvious as to who these girls are so you will have to go through some trial and error but eventually you'll figure things out. 

Good luck!

And girls-- DON'T be the devil who wears Prada.

Just Around the River Bend

Read these lyrics-- REALLY read them and take the imagery/symbolism and turn it into life--

What I love most about rivers is you can't step in the same river twice.
The water's always changing, always flowing
But people I guess can't live like that
They all must pay a price
To be safe we lose our chance of ever knowing

What's around the river bend
Waiting just around the river bend
I look once more just around the river bend
Beyond the shore where the gulls fly free
Don't know what for
What I dream the day might send just around the river bend
For me, coming for me

I feel it there beyond those trees
Or right behind these waterfalls
Can I ignore that sound of distant drumming?
For a handsome sturdy husband who builds handsome sturdy walls
And never dreams that something might be coming

Just around the river bend
Just around the river bend
I look once more just around the river bend
Beyond the shore, somewhere past the sea
Don't know what for
Why do all my dreams extend just around the river bend
Just around the river bend

Should I choose the smoothest course steady as the beating drum?
Should I marry Kocoum?
Is all my dreaming at an end?
Or do you still wait for me, dream-giver, just around the river bend? 

Rivers, water, trees, waterfalls, drums.... they are all part of our lives. I want to start by point out a section from the first verse:

But people I guess can't live like that
They all must pay a price
To be safe we lose our chance of ever knowing

All of us, more or less than others, want to stay on the smooth river course. We want that security and protection. However, by always staying on the smooth course we risk the high potential of not discovering something great. We can never be great if we don't take risks and push ourselves out of our comfort zones. We have to trust other people, new situations, and the world as a whole. 

Every so often (and maybe a lot!), these splashes into a rapid, untamed current leave us soaking wet and exhausted. After we have given all that we have, every last stroke and kick against that brutal storm, we collapse exhausted on the bank.. too tired and broken to move for a while.. desiring only to curl up with a warm blanket and let every pain and frustration go. 

Other times, our brave moments are rewarded with catching the current and being taken along paths that we never even imagined could be so great. We learn how to swim with the current and feel that ecstasy of traveling twice as fast as we could have in calmer waters. 

And you know what? It's worth it. Even if you are left beaten upon the shore you have gained strength and endurance that will prepare you for another dive. Trust and know that you are strong enough to get back up (after snuggling up in a warm blanket with hot cocoa and toast) and give the unimaginable another shot. 

Oh, and you can never have too many cute swimsuits to wear along the way.

Speaking of which, I already super miss swimming.

Both literally and figuratively.

nom nom nom chocolate

This is a post written for a friend explaining "why women love chocolate so much." 

Women not only love chocolate because it tastes delicious (or so I've heard) but because of the chemicals chocolate releases in their bodies. 

Here's what the experts (or anyone who cares to add to Google) has to say:

• It causes a rush of endorphins, or happy cells
• It contains phenyl-ethylamine. This chemical is known to stimulate the release of dopamine into the different pleasure zones of the body (& give the sensation of falling in love)
• It causes the release of serotonin, a chemical produced by the brain, which is known to calm the mind down

"As it melts in the mouth at body temperature, chocolate's creamy texture and unique aroma hit all of the body's senses, heightening the sensuality of the experience."

"It is believed that women who suffer from mood swings during their menstrual cycle may also suffer from a dislike to being sexually intimate. The scientists who conducted the study made those women eat chocolate over a period of time. After careful research, the study found that eating the chocolate improved not only their sexual function, but also awoke the desire for sexual intimacy."

Soo... to sum it up, chocolate is a substitute for sex. Kinda.