Marry You

Oh my oh my where to start?

I just finished watching the movie Marley and Me. I've heard good things about it but I was blown away by how sincerely real the story was. It wasn't just another cliché movie family.. it was real. 

There were the funny parts, the tense moments, the romantic swoons.... but what really caught my attention was a clip a couple minutes long of a monologue piecing together clips of their life.

I laid on the couch in my tacky plaid pajama shirt, draped under the same dull brown blanket that's made a permanent residence on my bed for half my life, wrapped around a stuffed alligator and thought, I WANT THAT. At that very moment I wanted nothing more than to go grab a boy and rush off and marry him and have that wonderful and awful adventure for myself. 

It made me think of the song Marry You by Bruno Mars that I've copy/pasted onto different blog post drafts for a year now, never knowing where to place it. 

I hate that song. Absolutely hate it. I hate the casualty it places on marriage. Hate the temporary second-handed thought. 

But I love listening to it. Yeah, yeah, the music is pretty catchy but what gets me is that, like today, I have those moments when I just look at someone and think, Hey.. I think I wanna marry you.

It's nothing serious.. just a fleeting thought sparked by random moments but can you see the appeal and craving for that moment? That instantaneous happiness and excitement? 

I love that image in my head. It makes me want to throw my arms up in the air and dance in the rain with a smile so big I can hardly breathe from sheer joy. 

I can't even imagine how amazing the real thing must be.

Temporal Preparation

This post is from one of the drafts I've had sitting around for months but never known where to go with. It's a quote by Freud that I liked and I've decided to relate it to temporal preparation for marriage.

"When making a decision of minor importance, I have always found it advantageous to consider all the pros and cons. In vital matters, however, such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves. In the important decisions of personal life, we should be governed, I think, by the deep inner needs of our nature." ~Freud

I already talked a little bit in another post about how at times relationships are a feeling rather than logic.  I think this quote backs that idea up quite well. But what about the "decision[s] of minor importance"?

There are a lot of skills that come in handy in a marriage that the person you're dating may or may not have:
-Budget skills- knows how to set up and follow a budget, handles money well.
-Education- whether formal or informal.
-Job- source of income.
-Health care/nutrition/exercise- healthy habits.
-Household skills- cleaning/keeping up the house.
-Sewing/clothing care- knows their way around fixing and creating basic things.
-Food storage- prepared for emergencies.
-Basic car skills- tire changing, basic idea of how cars work and what to do when they don't.
-Work ethic- knows how to work and choses to do so.
-Emergency preparedness- has plan of action whether the emergency is physical or financial.
-Manage time- uses time in a profitable way.

It's not necessary that one has all of these skills but they definitely come in handy in a marriage. You read the list and think yeah, yeah those are all good skills to have. Sounds like a good idea. Here's the thing- preparation precedes performance. We gots to be preppin' now.
Test yourself:
What are you currently doing to prepare for the temporal needs of your future family?
What are things that you need to work on?

I looked at that list and thought Easy-peasy lemon squeazy..
I'm working on budgeting and being better at saving money.
I'm working on household skills as I clean my house each week and take on those responsibilities.
I'm working on education as I give myself new projects selling things online or re-doing a porch swing.
I'm working on eating healthier and learning to cook now that I have a little extra time on my hands.

Then I started actually writing it down and I've still got a long way to go. Never until the past couple months of my life have I ever felt like I wasn't enough. I've always been the one to push to the top of my activities and then wait around bored while everyone else caught up. That sounds super prideful and arrogant of me but that's how I've always felt... so far ahead that I always have to wait for others to catch up.
But I have so much still to learn. So much still to build into my life.

I have no idea about cars. I know how to check the oil and I've seen a few tires changed. That's about it.
My emergency preparedness is slim to none.
Those are things I get to work on and learn.

And that's the key.
A willingness to learn.

No one is going to have all of those skills. Those are things that take time that you can always continue to develop in a marriage. So those "decision[s] of minor importance" are really kind of minor. They're so good to have but in the big picture what is most important is that the person you're looking for doesn't necessarily have basic car skills but has the willingness to learn some day.

That trait can get you anywhere.

The 'Instacouple' Phenomenon

Just for kicks and giggles I read a 2010 special edition of the New Era today titled Dating for Beginners. Most of the information was fairly irrelevant to myself personally but a nice refresher on the dating scene that I've been discussing with my EFY kids all summer. There was however, an article I really liked called Is Dating Dead? 

This article discusses the change in our world from dating to hanging out. Why is dating a dying thing? Because of what some like to call the Instacouple Phenomenon. 

When someone goes on a date it is almost as if that date marks a point of exclusivity.

Think about it in your own life-- if someone asks you out do you often first try to decide if you could see yourself dating them before you answer yes or no?

I sure do. If I want to get to know someone I first stalk them on Facebook then make sure I just happen to show up at the same activities and be in the same groups that they are. A drive past their house or a informative conversation from a friend isn't a bad idea either. I may start up a conversation at a group activity or strategically place myself in a way that they will start one with me. Then I invite them to a game night or a party I'm hosting. And THEN.. THEN a date might be in order.

But would I ever ask them out on a date or accept one without hesitation before all of those steps?

Ehhh.......... maybe. 

If you even go on a date at all it seems that the first date is pretty much the only chance you get. A second date is getting pretty serious.. 

That's not how it should be! Dating is supposed to be a casual and fun way to get to know people. 

Unfortunately, we have this fear of committing to a 3 hour period with someone without being able to define it as something more serious than it really is. 

The article lists 4 contributing factors that are killing the dating scene:

1. Our culture is slaughtering the idea of commitments. Dating is a commitment, hanging out is not.

2. The tradition of men taking the lead is being stomped on by women who see themselves as too strong and independent to let in some chivalry. 

3. TV loves to portray hanging out and the new best thing.

4. The expectations and requirements of a date have sky rocketed.

Seriously, just read the article. It's short and sweet. 

I have a dream... that some day I can go on a date (yes, I'd love to actually go on dates every so often!) and have it be just what it is-- a date. 

Stupid instacouple phenomenon.

Other World

My friend's mom recently published a book called A Decision Based on Love that I started reading this afternoon. I already had the heads up that it would be a tear jerker but what I didn't know is that I would start getting emotional from page 1. Had anyone died? no... Was someone hurt or sick? no... Was there any good reason for me to be crying? not really... 

The first page is about a woman waking up in the morning. That's what brought on the tears. Here... read a bit of it for yourself:

"When she peeked up from her prayers her husband Todd was watching her with a slow, lazy grin. “Good morning beautiful,” he whispered, as he patted the bed beside him.
Shari glanced over at the full length mirror on the wall and laughed out loud. How could he possibly call her beautiful? Her short blond hair had more gray than blond and it was sticking up in every direction. She could swear her skin looked wrinklier than it had yesterday and her hot pink baggy pajamas were as flattering as a neon potato sack. Still, Todd made her feel beautiful. He always had. He loved her more now than he had when she was young and pretty, and he told her every day. It wasn't just words either; he acted like he was the luckiest man on earth. Todd was definitely in that prayer of gratitude. Shari climbed back into their king size bed, wrapped her arms around him and snuggled up to his chest." 

Super happy and lovely, right? That's exactly why I reacted emotionally. I guess up until today I didn't realize that relationships like that exist. That two people can get married and still be crazy about each other 30 years down the road. That world has never existed in my mind. I've never seen that as a real thing. 

Every once in a while I get glimpses of that in my own relationships and think that maybe, just maybe, I could have that some day.

And that's my world-- one where stories like the one in this book are simply stories. I've had a pretty good life and if I can't comprehend that these stories really exist then I completely understand why someone worse off than me wouldn't even see them as an option.

That's something I've learned I need to understand and have patience with. Not everyone comes from the same background as I do. We each have our own perceptions of what love and marriage is like depending on what we've seen from those surrounding us and what we have chosen to educate ourselves on. I might be associating with someone who has never seen anything less than this beautiful love story or I might be associating with someone who has never even seen the slightest glimpse of it.

I'm so glad that I know that stories like this exist. That I can expect to wake up in the morning and be told I'm beautiful by the greatest husband in the world.

It raises my standards an expectations for what I can be some day and adds to my motivation to be so much more than I already am.

It's possible.

It's a whole other world.

The Friend Zone

Oh.. the friend zone.. every single person's fear and annoyance.

Within a week of when I got home this summer I had been friend zoned so many times I wanted to vomit.
It was the same story every time. I'd meet this guy.. think he was great.. get to be friends with him.. and as soon as things went any further I got stonewalled.
These guys even delivered the same lines-- something like:
"Don't think you're not amazing, because you really are. You're gorgeous and smart and tons of fun to be around but I'm just not interested in being in a relationship with you. I count you as one of my good friends but that's it."
It's gotten to the point where I just start laughing as they deliver the lines because I can almost say them in sync with the deliverer.
I've never gotten a solid answer as to why this happens to me other than the 'my mind says yes but my heart says no' story like my post just prior to this one.

I can't answer my own questions but maybe I can give you some food for thought with something I have learned known as Box Theory.

Box Theory, taught to me by my co-counselor Scott, originating from his friend Beth Roberts, and shared with permission (did I do this right this time Brianna???) is a simple but logical theory on the attention girls give to boys.

Girls put boys in three different boxes:

Box 1: Boys that a girl likes.

Box 2: Boys a girl wishes liked her.

Box 3: Boys that like a girl.

Which box do you think gets the most attention? Box 2 of course. Isn't that what we've heard for so long? Part of the magic is the chase. If a girl wants a guy to like her she'll often give him lots of attention. This sometimes results in the guy then being interested in the girl which moves him from box 2 to box 3. Oooh..... not a place you want to be. Why? Box 3 is the friend zone! 

The 'trick' is for a guy to stay in box 2 as long as he can until hopefully he gets moved over to box 1 rather than box 3. 

If a guy notices he's heading into box 3 he has to back off & pay attention to other things in order to avoid being 'friend zoned.'

That's the theory. 

What do you think? 

I think for the most part.. she's got the box juggling scenario down pretty well. 

However, the red flag pops up for me when it is suggested that a boy needs to force the chase to continue in order to be placed in box 1 rather than box 3.

I somewhat disagree.

I guess it depends on a girl's personality but for me, your time being chased in box 2 has a very real expiration date. After a point I'm going to get tired of chasing and simply walk away.

It's fun and all.. but only to a point. 

Any other thoughts on this theory?

I'm A Believer

How often do we look at love and see everything that could go wrong and get overwhelmed by it because guess what.. there are a lot of things on that list.

I like an image a friend of mine put up on her blog a while back of a venn diagram displaying how we often feel when searching for love.

This blog post idea came to me at a Neil Diamond concert I went to a couple weeks ago when he sang I'm A Believer. I've always heard the version by Smash Mouth and never stopped to realize the meaning behind the words until that night.

Read them through:

"I'm A Believer"

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get to me
That's the way it seems
Disappointment haunted all my dreams

I thought love was more or less a given thing

But the more I gave the less I got, oh yeah

What's the use in trying

All you get is pain

When I wanted sunshine I got rain

And then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I tried

I think that is one thing that is so wonderful about love-- that despite everything that couple possibly go wrong, it actually works. 

Somehow you find someone that defies all the disappointments and low expectations.

One of my greatest frustrations and joys about love is that it is not completely logical. 

I love making lists and I could sit down and make a list of logical reasons as to why I should love someone specific or why they should love me. I don't think I've ever actually done that on paper but I know I have several times in my mind. We could be the same age, have the same goals, enjoy the same activities, laugh at the same jokes... all potentially logical reasons as to why we would be perfect for each other.

BUT.. 

Love isn't logical.

There's a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants that talks about knowing things in your mind and heart. 

As I've already pointed out-- love isn't just something that works in your mind. It's something that affects your heart too.

I like the way one of my friends put it:

“I can't tell you what it takes- it's more of emotion than it is any logical thing or checklist.”

And that's why it is both a frustration and a joy..

because when everything works in my mind but not in my heart I'm so entirely frustrated.

But when my list is a little emptier that I'm used to, my heart fills in the rest.

It's amazing.

So many possible failures.. and yet somehow it all still works.

Facebook

I am often reminded of all the many things that I hate and love about Facebook. 

Here are a few of the things I somewhat hate:

1. Relationship statuses. 

It's not that I mind knowing if someone is 'single' or 'in a relationship' or 'married', but that as soon as that status changes everyone is all up in your business. I suppose it is nice to have that heads up sometimes but there are few things I dislike more than to have people pretend to care by posting pity comments on a "so-and-so is now single" status or to try to make the person feel better by putting their ex down. Our world is so obsessed with putting a label on things and becoming "Facebook official" is just one more. 

2. Personal advertisement.

Oh gag. I get so tired of the "woe is me" statuses where people are putting themselves down to get a comment of support. It also gets old to look at perfect profiles that are practically friendship and dating resumés. If you feel the need to fish for a compliment... please don't do so quite as publicly.

3. Limits face-to-face interaction
This goes back to my Talk to Me post. People are dying to talk to each other. One reason FB is so popular is that people are screaming for social interaction. For comfort. For some feeling of worth and love. I really like what my aunt posted as a status (ironically) one day:
"Years ago when your mind was troubled in the dark hours of the night and you felt sad and alone if you were really lucky you had a friend that didn't mind to much if you woke them, or you called a crisis line or maybe you reached out to God in prayer.... Now we reach for the iPhone and post. Wow
Times.... They are a changing."
I miss having to make phone calls (as much as I hated them) if I wanted to talk to someone. So often now I send a text or message or open a chat window. It is crippling.

Here are a few things I really like about Facebook:

1. Information
How great is it that in a matter of seconds hundreds of people can share the same information? Whether it's an invite to an event coming up or an announcement or a news article.. I can have it all compiled on one website. It's so easy to spend 2 minutes setting up an event rather than calling or texting the 50 people I'm inviting. It's definitely helped my social life when I am bored one night and within 5 minutes can find 2 or 3 things going on. I absolutely love it.

2. Long distance communication.
I can stay in contact with hundred of my EFY kids or people I've met on trips from around the world. With one click I can get a glimpse into what's going on in Mau Village in Fiji where I helped build flushing toilets. I can share a scripture with one of my EFY groups. I can check who is working up at my scout camp in Beaver, Utah. So much reward for such a little effort.

3. Simplified stalking
You know that "close friends" tab on the side? I like to refer to that as my simplified stalking tab. I don't even have to go on someone's wall to find every single thing they've been doing. FB complies everyone's information onto one news feed just like I ask.

So those are my feelings about Facebook. I know this is a totally random post but I'm sure you can all add your own 'Hear hear!' to a few of these.