Unlike Ke$ha, Value Isn't Spelled With a "$"

Fact:

Just because something is worth money doesn't mean it necessarily has value.

While the term 'value' often denotes monetary worth, it also describes value as something of importance and usefulness. I think about all the trinkets I've owned in my life: Swarovski crystals, expensive rock specimens, name-brand clothing, etc... and I realize that while they were worth hundreds of dollars, they had absolutely no value to me. None. Zip. Zero. However, I kept all of these items, gathering dust for years on end, despite my disinterest, simply because I thought they had value. 

I'm sure we've all owned similar items. The thought process goes a little something like this: 'I am the new owner of [enter value-less item here]. It dictates to others that I am superior. I have set a standard of excellence for the world to see my new found supremacy. People will treat me better, respect me more, and I will rise socially due to the presence of my new object.'

Okay, so maybe you don't sound quite that haughty but if you've ever succumbed to the pressures of society, *especially* a First-World society, you know exactly what objects you have in your own possession to which I am referring. And I admit, sometimes the possession of these objects may benefit you in the long run but the majority of the time, such is not the case.

Keeping value-less items is irrational.

Why would you invest space and time in something that means very little to you? 

Let me introduce a concept called sunk cost fallacy.

Sunk cost fallacy, put simply, is investing in something that does not, and will not, ever have value. Or, as Wikipedia words it, "throwing good money after bad."

Years ago, I bought an expensive pair of shoes at a black market in Mexico. Once I got home I realized these shoes were too large, uncomfortable to wear, and didn't match anything I owned. A rational person would dispose of them. Did I? Absolutely not. Those shoes sat in my closet for years gathering dust before I finally came to terms with the fact that I was never going to wear them. 

"How could you be so irrational?" you might ask. 

It's simple: sunk cost fallacy.

You see, I had invested money into these shoes. I invested time shopping for them and hauling them to my home hours away. I had good intentions for these shoes and had sacrificed a lot of energy into transferring them into my possession. 

Sunk cost fallacy.

I believed that those shoes had value and I wanted to extricate that value from them.

Sunk cost fallacy.

What a waste.

Let's look at this in terms of a relationship. How many times have you witnessed or been the person to stay (or return) to someone for that same reason? Yes, you invested your time, energy, money, love, etc. for them. They have learned the quickest way to make you smile and the way you most love to kiss. They know your deepest fears and how to piece you back together again. They are your greatest and most intimate investment.

But do they have value?

Are you choosing them because you don't want to waste your large investment?

Are you holding on because it seems like a smaller cost than starting over?

Are you throwing good time, energy, money, love, etc. after something that will never have value?

Sunk cost fallacy.

Think on it.

*Disclaimer: I am not advocating a lifestyle in which any time something is difficult you abandon ship and jump on another. What I am saying is that when there is absolute certainty that things will never change, it is rational to come to terms with the situation, put on your big girl panties, and move on.

A Silent Prayer

My life is often a fairy tale
A story too good for words
But time and time again I fail
And dwell instead with turds

A girl as beautiful as you
Must be something more
Yet I'm falling apart on cue
And slamming another door

The people who I love in life
For them I kneel and pray
But dwelling at times on strife
I push them. "Go away."

And so you see at the end
My heart is very lonely
I try once more to not offend
Pleading, "Please, God. If only."

7 States in 7 Days

Well, technically 6 days but that just doesn't sound as catchy. 

Instead of boring you with the last 12 weeks of WY, WY, WY, rocks, rocks, rocks I've dedicated my summer to, I'll only give you the tidbits on my journey home.

Utah

Idaho

Wyoming

Montana

North Dakota

South Dakota

Nebraska

with a few back and forth repetitions in between

Many know me to be a meticulous planner who has everything scheduled down to the minute but this trip was meant to be free. Unplanned. No expectations. No rules.

Just good, hard fun discovering this beautiful world we live in.

But let's start from the beginning of the ending--

After an incredible ending to my experience working in Kemmerer, WY this summer, I packed up my car, gave one last kiss to the man who holds my heart, and drove away into the sunset.

Okay, it didn't happen exactly like that...

But mostly.

I drove past Bear Lake once again and still can't wrap my head around its beauty and magnitude. I've spend many wonderful hours on its shores tanning (and burning), reading books, swimming, going to the theater, and pretending to be a mermaid.

A couple hours into my journey I gave into exhaustion and started looking for a place to crash for the night. One of my greatest distresses in life is paying for somewhere to sleep when I'm alone. I had almost given in to parking in a pull-off along the highway when I saw a sign for the Lomia Campground. Since this is a name from home, I took the exit and discovered a few isolated camping spots along a creek. I never made it to Lomia Campground but I did snag a beautiful camp site next to a small waterfall. 

 I spent the evening reading while snacking on some homemade hummus and then crawled inside my caterpillar sleeping bag, listening to the soothing sound of the water as I fell asleep. Somewhere in the early morning hours there was a storm full of wind and plenty of rain. Don't you worry, my trusty tent kept me nice and dry although the tent itself was rather muddy and soaking wet by the time I headed out the next morning.

 After washing up in the ice-cold creek I headed into town for a breath of civilization for the first time in quite a while. I picked up some cotton candy air freshener trees at Walmart to stifle that dirty clothes/camping smell that will surely come after 2 weeks of living in my car and then hung out with the team at AT&T so I could once again have a properly working phone. Life was looking up! 

 My next stop was at Golden Spike NHS to learn more about the meeting of the rail lines. A few interesting things I learned-- 1. The barn swallows there are just as prone to dive-bombing as they are at home. 2. The line coming from Cali ran on wood vs. coal which the Pacific line used for fuel. While talking to the ranger on duty, David, I was reminded once again of just how small of a world I live in when he asked me about one of my colleagues in Kemmerer. Turns out they've done work together.

 And now on to Idaho!!

My first stop in Idaho was the City of  Rocks NR. I felt like a bad geologist for not caring about the science aspect. It was nice to just appreciate the beautiful landscape, especially with a low cloud cover that added to the wonder of being in the wilderness.

Around lunch time I ended up in the Burley, ID area and headed over to Upper Crust for some rootbeer float milk and a delicious turkey-cranberry on rye sandwich. SO GOOD.

I admit I did also have a cup of shaved ice later in the day that was incredibly delicious. Malibu Barbie flavored.

My next stop after that was Shoshone Falls. I was too lazy and cheap to pay for the entrance fee so I hiked around some of the view points near the top instead.

 After that I headed to Perrine Canyon, a place I've wanted to visit for the last 2 years since I saw some pictures from a friend and hear stories about dropping watermelons and paper airplane competitions. It didn't disappoint. While I was there I chatted with him on the phone and was directed to drive to the other side and check out a hidden waterfall. Its always fun to be told directions when you can see exactly what they're describing.

The waterfall was incredible. You can walk behind it and see the canyon providing a beautiful backdrop. I've always wanted that kind of experience and watching the sun set through a waterfall made a night I'll always remember.

I ended up in Hagerman, ID that night at a secluded rest stop. So secluded, in fact, that I put up my hammock and slept out in the open. I'd like to say it was a dreamy night but I still haven't managed to sleep comfortably in a hammock for that long. It was nice to sleep out in the open though.

The rest stop was built next to a wildlife refuge so once I packed everything up I took a stroll along the shoreline and spotted several birds along with my first spotting of a muskrat. I find birds somewhat boring but seeing something new was intriguing.

 My purpose in going to Hagerman was to visit Hagerman Fossil Beds National Monument. After driving along a mapped out tour I headed to the Visitor Center where I spent time looking at the [not as cool as Fossil Butte!] fossils, reading information in the temporary Minidoka Internment Camp display, and working on the Junior Ranger program to become a Junior Paleontologist. I now have my badge and even found incorrect information in the workbook along the way.

I rewarded my grand efforts with a bowl of PlayDough ice cream from Papa Kelsey's. When available, I like to try weird new flavors. PlayDough did not disappoint and I stopped at another shop the next day for more.

 Since I couldn't make it to the Minidoka Interment Camp the day before due to a bridge washing out, I set that as my next destination from a different direction. This camp was established during WWII for both 1st and 2nd generation Japanese living in America. I understand that it was somewhat for their protection but I feel a little disappointed that America was fighting a war against discrimination of Jews, yet they were discriminating against a race within their own country. And we still do.

While I was heading up to Craters of the Moon I saw a sign for Mammoth Cave and thought about stopping. After reading their sign I decided I didn't have time for somewhere that couldn't spell "biggest" correctly.

 I ended up stopping at Shoshone Ice Cave instead which was okay but somewhat disappointing, especially with how much I paid for admission. I did get to take a picture of a human riding a dinosaur though and am wondering if they stole it from a certain Creationist location in Kentucky. I have no idea why they have it at a location for lava tubes that is much, much younger..

 I arrived at Craters of the Moon just in time for a ranger-led cave tour. One of the first things he asked us is what the landscape looked like. I said manure. A pioneer said black vomit. Its a pretty harsh area that goes on for what seems forever in areas. Definitely a cool place to visit.

 I was pretty burnt out by the time the tour ended but decided on hiking up one of the domes. It was a very rewarding view but I was glad to return somewhere that wasn't black and desolate.

I cut my travels shorter than usual (6:30pm) and spent a few hours relaxing at a rest stop getting cleaned up and reading some books. All-in-all it was an excellent night until I awoke around 5am to blaring music. You can only see half the parking spots in the picture above but it seems my fellow traveller felt the need to park directly adjacent to me. It made me feel better when I forgot I'd locked myself in the car and woke him up by accidentally set off the car alarm when I opened the door in the morning.

I spent the morning at a car shop getting my oil changed, a belt replaced, and 2 new tires. My poor Penny has been putting on a lot of miles this summer. Everything took much longer than I intended but I finally made it back to WYOMING!

 I had driven through Tetons earlier this summer but this trip took time to actually appreciate some of what is there. My first stop was the Moose Visitor Center and I got a little bit of action in.

Since things had run late that morning I had limited daylight left and set off on a fairly easy 4 mile hike up to one of the lakes. It was incredible. Someday I'll head back and check a few more hikes off. I had tentatively planned on camping in the park but couldn't bring myself to drop $22 on myself alone at a campsite so I continued on up to Yellowstone where I went swimming in Yellowstone Lake and watched the sun set. It was freezing and I was quickly losing sunlight so I moved on. 

I intended on camping near Cody but wasn't paying enough attention to where I was driving and ended up in Montana instead. I slept in my car on the side of the road and woke up to very low tire pressure. I back-tracked a few miles to Cooke City and added some air and then set my destination for North Dakota and started driving.

I was pleasantly surprised to find myself on the Bear Tooth Pass Scenic Highway. I felt like I was on the top of the world. There were lakes everywhere and still several large areas of snow/ice. After randomly hiking around for a while I drove to the summit (~10,000') where there's a rest stop. While there I made friends with a couple from Boise and changed out of my pajamas in one of the restrooms. I almost had a heart attack when I returned to my car and found my key missing, thinking I had accidentally dropped it in a pit toilet while getting dressed. Turns out it had just fallen on the floor and some old lady handed it to me when she spotted me running around frantically. 

And on to MONTANA! (After driving along the state border for a few hours) 

 Anyone who had driven across the middle and east regions of southern Montana can probably tell you there's not much there. It was about as bad as driving from Phx to LA-- a fairly straight shot with not much to see. I stopped at the Bighorn National Monument where Custer's Last Stand took place. It was actually really interesting, especially because I'm not much into historic sites. A film at the Visitor Center talked about the events that occurred between the Indian Tribes and the United States and I couldn't help to be somewhat disappointed once again in the standard of USA, only 100 years after its creation. Don't get me wrong, I love this country and what it stands for but its sad to see the ways in which its incredible potential has been tainted.

 I passed into North Dakota around sunset and was quite surprised with what I found. From what I've been told by others there's not much to be found in ND but I passed through beautiful fields of sunflowers and colorful badlands.

 I even passed a sign for Home on the Range. I ended up checking it out the next day and it was just a random little community of buildings. I'm still not exactly sure what all goes on there.

 Since it was the tail end of peak season and ND is somewhat out of the way for most travelers, I had several campsites to pick from in Theodore Roosevelt National Park. I ended up at site 14, picked out of habit, and made friends with my 75-year-old neighbor, Tom. We ended up sitting around our BBQ fire until 10:30 that night talking about anything and everything. I got the idea he found my ways not quite up to par when he chopped up firewood for me and gave me a can of Mace to protect myself.

 I spent all morning hiking around the park. It was the perfect day with a nice breeze and lovely temperatures. After being in such busy areas it was nice to get away from all the traffic and appreciate the silence.

 I stepped over a cow pie on one of my hikes and couldn't resist making it happy.

 So many buffalo! For not having a memory of ever seeing a buffalo before in my life, I sure caught up this summer. They're incredibly animals and even though they could smash me into the ground I still want to walk up and pet one.

After an incredible adventure at Theodore Roosevelt NP I got back in my car and headed to Devil's Tower NM where I set up a campsite and then picked up mom up at the airport in Gilette. 

 We checked out the tower in the morning and then hit the road again.

On to SOUTH DAKOTA! I missed stopping at the sign when we entered and there was no sign when we left so unfortunately, I do not any ugly faces to insert here.

 Our next stop was Badlands NP which was pretty cool but if given the choice of where to go for Badlands I'd have to direct you back to Teddy Roosevelt.

 After me throwing a tantrum about there being a $11 parking fee at Mount Rushmore, we headed inside and got our fill of the views and history found there.

The plan was to hit up 3 more places in South Dakota but it was pouring rain and really late in the day so we headed on to.....

 NEBRASKA!

We stopped there and ate geologic burritos in the rain and then continued to a motel where I slept on the biggest and most comfortable bed I've seen in over 3 months. I also got my first shower in a week which was rather nice.

The next morning we drove along the Oregon Trail back into WYOMING! We hit up Chimney Rock, Scotts Bluff, Fort Laramie, Casper (for church), Independence Rock, Devil's Gate, and Martin's Cove. 

I think both my mom and I were more than sick of driving at that point and very relieved to reach Fossil Butte National Monument.

I spent the rest of the night winning Cards Against Humanity (don't judge me too harshly) and staying up until 4am to make a great evening last as long as I could.

 In the morning I dyed my hair blue. I've always wanted all blue hair and what better time than now? I love it. My mom and I went on the scenic drive and then hiked up to the research quarry I worked at all summer.

We ended the trip with me giving her a private tour of the Visitor Center and even pulling out the fish fossil I've been working on in the preparation lab for the last 2 months.

All in all it was an incredible trip. A little too much driving but that journey led me to so many new adventures and friends along the way. 

I absolutely love traveling, especially without a schedule. We put so many limitations on life but when it comes down to it, its pretty simple to just get in the car and drive. Or fly. Or walk. The world is beautiful and every minute you spend wasting the time you have here is one minute less you could be marveling at the wonders around you.

Epilogue: I spent the entire next day laying out relaxing in a tent or on the beach. A perfect ending to a wonderful adventure.

Or should I say a perfect beginning?

Dating a Girl Who Travels

Author's note:

A few days ago I read an article shared by a friend on Facebook titled, “Don't Date a Girl Who Travels.” I thought it would be another blog that shared a message different from what the title led you to believe. The article lists, paragraph by paragraph, reasons to stay away from girls who travel. As I read, I hoped there would be a disclaimer at the end stating that despite what had been said, a girl who travels is definitely something worth pursuing. That hope was never fulfilled.

I've spent all week thinking over the points the author listed, not sure what to think, because its almost as if they were intimately describing me. Me. My very favorite part of myself. And now, you bet I have some words to say.

My goal is not to degrade the original author or make an argument as to why someone should date a girl who travels. My focus is on confirming opinions, denying opinions, and adding a second perspective.

And now, let's begin.

Don't Date a Girl Who Travels: A Second Perspective

Written by: a female, travel-oriented enthusiast.

I'm the one with the messy, unkempt hair, colored by the sun. My skin is now far from fair like it once was; not even sun kissed, it's burnt with multiple tan lines, wounds, and bites here and there. But for every flaw on my skin, I have an interesting story to tell.

I revel in the beauty of the world and don't see the need to keep my body one of porcelain perfection when it limits my experiences and adventures. In fact, I love the way my hair bleaches under the summer sun and count every scar from ATV wrecks and forest branches as another marker displaying my life being one of meaning and fulfilled opportunities. My lifestyle has made my body strong and prepared for anything I am faced with.

Why should you date a girl who travels? I'm hard to please. The usual dinner-movie date at the mall sucks the life out of me. I crave new experiences and adventures. I'm not very impressed with your new car or expensive watch. I'd rather climb a rock or jump out of an airplane than hear you brag about it.

At times it seems as if I'm a city girl, surrounded by small-town folk. There's nothing wrong with the country life, but when I've seen the skyscrapers in Beijing, why would I stay at home and pretend I'm still content with pushing my wooden plow through a small plot of land? Please don't misunderstand me, I still appreciate and enjoy dinner & a movie or a ride in a nice car, but I've never made those things a priority. I'm happy that you have accumulated something important in your life, but those sort of things don't hold a lot of weight in mine.

Why should you date a girl who travels? I'll bug you to book a flight every time there's an airline seat sale. I won't party at Republiq. And I will never pay over $100 for Avicii because I know that one weekend of clubbing is equivalent to one week somewhere far more exciting.

I barely know what Republiq is, let alone desire to spend my time there amping up a temporary thrill; I'd rather chase after knowledge somewhere foreign. Far too many people make traveling more complicated than it really is. For the amount I spend each day at “home” pretending I want to be grinding up on some new hottie-boomba-lottie, I could be hiking through the Amazon or eating Muslim noodles in a hole-in-the-wall shop in China. It's a simple cost and benefit analysis and I'm coming out on top.

Truth is, I've never held a steady job. I'm always daydreaming about quitting. I don't want to keep working my butt off for someone else's dream. I have my own and I'm working toward it. I'm a freelancer. I make money working for various social events and random side jobs, along with others that require creativity and imagination. Don't waste my time complaining about your boring job.

I love working but the idea of an 8-5 job that takes up all my time and doesn't give much flexibility has about the same effect as tying me up, shoving me in a dark closet, and then waterboarding me. My idea of a job is one that not only allows me to travel, but is an advocate for doing so. I want to do something I love and get paid for it and then when I get bored with that, try something new. I respect those who are contracted to a job but don't understand why someone would endure that day after day if its not something they enjoy. There is too much potential and too many options in the world to settle for mediocrity.

Why should you date a girl who travels? I wasted my college degree and have switched careers almost entirely. I'm now a substitute teacher and program specialist at a science center. I'm not usually sure when my next paycheck is coming. I don't work like a robot all day. Instead, I go out and take what life has to offer and challenge you to do the same.

It's true I haven't really used my degree for a career but since when is that a requirement? Is it a sin for me to have spent 4 years of my life studying something I love simply for the sake of knowledge? The way I see things, getting a college degree opened up, rather than limited, my options. If I can develop my skills in multiple areas for relatively the same pay, why not take that route? The variety in my life keeps me at my very best and interested in what I'm working on.

Why should you date a girl who travels? I've chosen a life of uncertainty. I don't have a plan or a permanent address. I go with the flow and follow my heart. I dance to the beat of my own drum. I don't wear a watch. My days are ruled by the sun and the moon. When the rain comes, life stops and I'm oblivious to everything else for a moment. But I have learned that the most important thing in life isn't dancing in the rain.

I'm rarely boring. It seems as if I always have a story to tell or a random piece of information to rattle off. I love getting up in the morning and wandering from place to place, following whatever interests me. My life isn't always easy choosing the unknown route, but I always figure things out and build my experience along the way. I pack my life full of adventure but still take the time to stop and smell the roses. Random though it may be, I fill my life with things I value.

Why should you date a girl who travels? I tend to speak my mind. I will never try to impress your parents or friends. I know respect, but am not afraid to hold a debate about global issues or social responsibility.

Just because I speak my mind doesn't mean I'm always rude. I'm confident in who I am and what I believe and that shows through what I say. Therefore, while I appreciate being validated, I don't need to bow to those around me for their approval. I educate myself on my interests and am not shy about sharing my opinion.

I will never need you. I know how to pitch a tent and fly across the world without your help. I cook well and don't need you to pay for my meals. I'm too independent and don't care whether you travel with me or not. I will forget to check in with you when I arrive at my destination. I'm busy living in the present. I talk to strangers. I meet many interesting, like-minded people from around the world who share my passion and dreams. I will be bored with you.

I'm fiercely independent and I'm told often its one of my best traits. This part of my personality developed through life experiences that have weathered me over time. The way I live, independence is essential for survival. I'm often high on life and it isn't easy to slow down and purposefully make myself vulnerable to let others in. However, while leading a private life is most efficient, it is often lonely and friends I make along my journey only fill temporary needs. My dream is to travel the world with someone I care about but for now, I'm all I have.

So never date a girl who travels unless you can keep up with me. And if you unintentionally fall in love with me, don't you dare keep me. Let me go.

Or don't. If there's something you want in life, fight for it! If you fall in love with me and don't think you're up to pace, step it up. There is no reason to give something up that you're willing to work at for a lifetime. Whatever you do, make sure you're not holding me back.

Why should you date a girl who travels?

I'm independent, resourceful, and fiercely loyal to those I love. I care deeply about others, even if their dream is not my own. I'm witty and beautiful in my own way. I'll rarely say no to trying something new and will always be full of surprises. And if you manage to break through the wall of privacy I've built around myself, I just might fall in love with you as the best adventure of all.

Becoming Myself

The Sunday School lesson at church today was on:

...................*drumroll*....................

BECOMING:

 any change from the lower level of potentiality to the higher level of actuality

A question was posed to the class:

What do you worry about and/or stress over?

Answers included:

-finishing college

-balancing school, work, social life

-living on a low income (cheap housing, eating Ramen..)

-providing for a future family on a low income

-knowing if the person I'm dating is the right one to marry

All the answers were ones I expected and have heard time and time again from college students. 

As I sat there thinking about my own answer to that question, I realized none of their answers fit my own life. I don't say that to brag, I'm just saying I have a different set of concerns.

I like to think that there's not too much in life that I worry or stress over.

I prefer the term 'concerned.'

I am concerned about being satisfied with my life and future.

After much contemplation on this topic, especially these past few weeks, I've decided there should be a difference between what the world wants me to make of myself, and what I want to make of myself.

Much of the influence in my life tells me that as a woman with equal rights and a college graduate, I should be well on my way into a successful career. I should fight for what is rightfully mine and not employ my time and talents in a mediocre job or lifestyle. I can do anything, and I should be doing everything.

I agree.

Sort of.

While I agree with the drive and reasoning behind these views, I also realize that whatever I choose to do with my life should be something that satisfies me. 

My allegiance to the world and its expectations only goes so far, at which point I need to figure out what achievements in my life I will be most proud. 

The way I see things, as long as I am leading a healthy and forward-moving life, the choice of what is or is not an acceptable career and/or life choice is entirely mine.

So let me ask this-- what are you becoming?

Are you becoming what is socially correct and expected, or are you becoming what will bring you the most pride in yourself?

I hope you recognize the difference.

Letting it Burn

The last couple days of my life have been really frustrating. 

I started a job that isn't what I thought it would be and most definitely isn't the 'big girl' career I want.

I got out of my first day of work to discover my 'new' car's battery completely dead and since it is a Prius, the 30+ computer systems I need to make it run were also unavailable, making it impossible to even shift into neutral.

Today was a stressful day at the job mixing various chemicals to make explosives while making sure my 18 kids didn't get hurt in the process.

I also found out the 2nd battery on my car needs replaced, coming in at $350 (+tax), which is not covered by my $1250 warranty.

I watched the guy I thought I was going to marry walk into a reception tonight with his fiancé and listened as they told their proposal story.

And to top it off, my favorite purse came un-sewed.

It has been a rough year.

Between the slaughter of boys that I've stumbled my way through and my attempts at growing up with a job and car, I've gotten a lot of sleep because I was too tired to deal with it all anymore.

Tonight my roommate and I wrote down all of these events on lanterns and set them off in the sky. 

Forever.

I'm sure I'll make my way through several more boys instead of men.

I'm sure I'll have several more employers turn me down, let alone talk to me at all.

I'm sure I'll take several more trips to the Toyota dealership to put more money into car 'maintenance.'

BUT.. I'll never have to deal with the same events from 2013 ever again.

And a new onslaught of bombs just doesn't seem as bad.

Here's what I learned from all of those things listed on the lantern:

-I have the choice every moment of my life how I want to react.

-I always have someone who has my back and knows exactly what to say.

-I want nothing to do with boys and am finally looking for the right man.

-It is my responsibility to make my job(s) what I want them to be.

-My car will break no matter what and money is just money.

-If I want to get in shape and lose weight, a Chinese-style life will do the trick.

Also--

I've also gotten pretty good at making Funky Monkey smoothies at home which is kinda a big deal.

Even though I let go of everything written on that lantern, I still have all the good it brought me.

I'm armed and ready for 2014. It's gonna be a lucky year.

Plastic From China

A huge part of college-aged life is figuring out who you are and what you want to do with yourself. One of the parts that isn't highlighted nearly as much is what happens if you don't like the person you discover or if people around you don't like you either.

For Christmas a year ago I got a letter that helped put to words my greatest triumphs and deepest struggles. It helped me come to terms with how much I loathed parts of myself and gave me a starting point to a personal reconstruction.

A year later I stand before you a different person in many ways, still struggling with a few things, but better educated on myself and what I want than ever before. I love myself and I love my life. And if I was alone in the world, life would be sunshine and daisies.

The issue that arises is that there ARE people and I DO have to live with them. And sometimes, they just don't like me. I scare people and honestly, I enjoy scaring them. By being my full blown, all around glorious self, I. Scare. People. Especially in the LDS world.

I am like bacon on a Jewish sabbath: deliciously repulsive.

Guuuuurl what you been doin' that people gots to go hatin' on you for?

Well sista friends, I gots to say, nuthin' too terrible.

I don't torture animals or sleep around or pick my nose (in public).

I go to church every week and have a decent job and say my please and thank you's.

But, heaven forbid, I enjoy walking around in whatever I want at my house. I share diarrhea stories around the table during Christmas dinner. And if I'm somewhere I don't want to be, I leave.

And somewhere in the middle of all of that, I am socially unacceptable.

I don't want to be Relief Society President-esqeue. I don't want to volunteer at an old folks' home or tell my friends that I will be praying for them.

But for heaven sakes I am TIRED of the reactions. I am tired of people saying hi to me with pity in their eyes. I'm tired of being put on the agenda in church meetings for possible wayward souls. In fact, I am so tired of all of this that sometimes I wonder if I should cut the stubborn resistance and pretend I'm a part of everything I make a point to separate myself from.

“I have nobody. I have surrounded myself with people who are fake just because I need to talk to somebody.” ~Nikki Reed

Fake it 'til you make it. BE FAKE the world screams! But wait, be true to who you are at the same time. Be who you are and love who you are but still be socially acceptable. If the people around you are dancing, DANCE! If they're bubbly, LAUGH ALONG. “It's better to be a first rate version of yourself instead of a second rate version of somebody else,” but just make sure you don't show all your cards because that might scare people off.

“It's better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody.” ~Matt Damon

I've been thinking on this idea for a few weeks now and talking to a friend the other night I was a little relieved to discover I have an army backing me up.

Me: “What's the number one thing you look for when dating?”

Friend: “Oh gosh I don't know. Molly Mormon is one of the biggest turn offs though, haha.”

“Why?”

“I don't know. Maybe I'm afraid they will get offended if I'm just myself around them. I guess I just assume they are judgmental. I guess thats judgmental of me.”

People are often scared of what they don't know. Just as others don't know me, I often don't take the time to get to know them very well so all-in-all this ranting can be thrown out the window because maybe I'm just as guilty.

The nice part is that even though you may feel the need to be fake for 99% of the people you meet, that 1% loves every bit of your non-standard self and when it comes down to it, those are the only people who actually matter.

“True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness & ignorance.” ~Henry David Thoreau