Fears

I've always found the fears of the world to be interesting. If asked what you fear, most people will reply with something like snakes...... spiders..... clowns.......... enclosed spaces..... you get the idea. But when you look at the world- through media- through every day life- that's not what most people fear the most. People fear being alone. They are afraid of broken hearts- both theirs or another's. They fear being wrong. They run away from trials and situations in which succeeding is questionable. And me-- I am just like the world in some ways. 

What do I fear? Anger-- painful words and emotions inflicted upon already damaged hearts. Companionship- actually believing that someone cares enough to be with you forever and not walk out on you when things get tough. Memories-- never being able to walk away from the past because there will always be a song, a highway, a loved one who will come back into your life and tell you that you're not welcome. I don't like being told I can't go somewhere because it conflicts with a past life. I don't like pretending I don't love someone and want them in my life every second of every day. I don't like running in circles trying to block out the hurtful feelings. 

Sometimes, I'm just ready for a fairytale. 

Predicting the Obvious

I feel like my life is a lot like the movie Groundhog's Day.

For example, here was my day:

Receive a cheery good morning/how are you from my black bus driver, sit across from the man in a white polo or blue button up shirt reading his newspaper, watch 2 men get on at Dobson, wait for them to crack 2 poor jokes, while waiting at lightrail station I will notice the fat kid wearing shoes with “Vans” inscribed across the bottom, get off the bus 1 stop early, step over water at Barney's boathouse, watch light turn green, see the woman sitting outside the Methodist church, walk up the stairs where I know the exact lines where the shadows will be, sit in the same spot, say hi to Lauren when she shows up looking like she missed her morning coffee, wait for the teacher/TA to unlock the door 2 minutes late, eat a granola bar between classes while I text Danny back, after class notice the guy with the broken backpack walking in front of me, see the guy who miraculously can text message, smoke, and ride a bike through one of the busiest areas of ASU at the same time, avoid eye contact with mormon boy walking around the corner by Noble library, wonder once again if Garrett Seymore remembers who I am from all those years ago at EFY as he walks by, whine to Stephannie about all my freak outs and bad moments of the morning, copy quotes off of Brother Wold's colorful whiteboard, avoid eye contact with another mormon girl as I walk past the library corner again, wait 20 seconds for the elevator in PSH, walk past people from my GLG 102 class sprawled out in the hall, give my TA Bryan a half smile/half glare as I walk into class, fight to stay awake through his poorly organized lesson, text Stephannie during those long periods I am waiting for help so I can finish my lab, wait for the Orbit buses Mercury and Mars to pass before I catch a bus home with the old guy coming home from his shift at Jack in the Box. Welcome to EVERY Monday in my life.

There are so many things I can predict simply because they occur over and over and over again. I know that the song Breakeven will haunt me every shift at work. I know exactly where several people will be at certain times of the day. I know within about 10 minutes when someone will text me back. I know that the mexican lady in the red SUV will show up every day for her avalanche sized super sour grape light syrup extra cream shaved ice along with 2 smoothies and a baby shaved ice. The man in the gray truck will pay me for his regular sized strawberry smoothie in change and it will cost $5.29 and yes, he does want whipped cream and a cherry even though he isn't going to wait long enough at the drive through for me to ask him that. I know that at 4 pm on Thursday afternoons I will begin hearing about delicious food dishes due to the fact that Ryan is both bored and hungry. I know that crazy Kathy will ride up on her bike around 3pm for her 69 cent regular diet Pepsi. (75 cents with tax).

Today I am wondering if maybe I am as stupid and inconsiderate as Bill Murray. Perhaps I am stuck in that manipulation stage and have not yet figured out how to win the girl over.  

Dear you. . .

Yes you . . . I know you read my posts and I think I appreciate that fact. Just so you know.

Movie Addict

1) The Proposal:
            a)-Margaret Tate: What am I allergic to? 
                Andrew Paxton: Pine nuts, and the full spectrum of human emotion. 

            b)-Andrew Paxton: Three days ago, I loathed you. I used to dream about you getting hit by a cab. Then we had our little adventure up in Alaska and things started to changed. Things changed when we kissed. And when you told me about your tattoo. Even when you checked me out when we were naked. But I didn't realize any of this, until I was standing alone... in a barn... wifeless. Now, you could imagine my disappointment when it suddenly dawned on me that the woman I love is about to be kicked out of the country. So Margaret, marry me, because I'd like to date you. 

            c)-Margaret Tate: Another word and you're out of here with an armed escort. Andrew will film it on his little cameraphone and put it on that Internet site.
[to Andrew]                
                Margaret Tate: What's that?                
                Andrew Paxton: YouTube.                
                Margaret Tate: Exactly. Is that what you want?

           d)-Andrew Paxton: Standing.                
                Margaret Tate: Kneeling.                
                Andrew Paxton: Like a man.                
                Margaret Tate: On a bed of rosebuds, in a tuxedo. Your son. Your son... and he was choking back soft, soft sobs. And when he held back the tears and finally caught his breath, he said to me...                
               Andrew Paxton: 'Margaret, will you marry me?' and she said 'yep', the end! 

2) 17 Again
          a)-Ned Freedman: I think our hands just made a baby
          b)-Mike O' Donnell: When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not; it's just the beginning. You might have to meet a few more jerks, but one day you're gonna meet a boy who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Like the sun rises and sets with you.
          c)-Mike O' Donnell: Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die... then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful... and safe... because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad... because I had you
         d)-Mike O' Donnell: [meets Scarlett's date] Carnations? What a douche! 
         e)-Ned Freedman: We have to go shopping, your shirt is bedazzled. 
             Mike O' Donnell: Bedazzled with rhinestones! 

         f)-Maggie O'Donnell: Why is the new guy waving at me?             
             Samantha: I don't know, but if he were an apple he would be a delicious. 

3) Sahara
         a)-Rudi Gunn: But I was hoping to meet a girl on the Australian trip! 
             Al Giordino: No, African war zone; ship of death! 

         b)-General Zateb Kazim: Don't worry. It's Africa. Nobody cares about Africa. 

         c)-Al Giordino: Hey, you know how it is when you see someone that you haven't seen since high school, and they got some dead-end job, and they're married to some woman that hates them, they got, like, three kids who think he's a joke? Wasn't there some point where he stood back and said, "Bob, don't take that job! Bob, don't marry that harpy!" You know?                  
             Dirk Pitt: Your point?    
             Al Giordino: Well, we're in the desert, looking for the source of a river pollutant, using as our map a cave drawing of a Civil War gunship, which is also in the desert. So I was just wondering when we're gonna have to sit down and re-evaluate our decision-making paradigm?            
             Dirk Pitt: [coming up on the fortress seen in the cave painting] I don't know - it seems to be working so far.

         d)-Al Giordino: What do you think, Dirk?            
             Dirk Pitt: Uh... I think we need to pull a Panama!            
             Al Giordino: A Panama... a *Panama*?             
             Admiral James Sandecker: [on the phone] A Panama? No! No Panama! 

4) Thumbelina
               a)-Thumbelina: [not knowing that Cornelius is the prince] Tell me about the fairy court. Is there a prince? 
                   Prince Cornelius: Yes.                    
                   Thumbelina: He must be terribly handsome.                    
                   Prince Cornelius: Oh, he is.                    
                   Thumbelina: Strong and brave.                    
                   Prince Cornelius: None like him.                    
                   Thumbelina: I'd love to meet the prince.                    
                   Prince Cornelius: Oh, I'll tell him. 

               b)- Cornelius: Oh, Thumbelina. Oh, wow. Something... I don't know.... something happened to me tonight. Something I never want to forget. 

                    Thumbelina: Me too. Do not forget me.

                    Cornelius: Forget-me-nots. Oh, I'll never forget you. Never.

                    Thumbelina: Never, never. 

               c)-Mama toad: Buenos dias! I hope you sleep very very good. 

               d)-Thumbelina: Doesn't anybody care what i think?!

               e)-Beetle: Hiya toots! Beetle's my name and razzmatazz is my game

               f)-Thumbelina: ...and the beetle says I'm ugly

                  Jacquimo: the beetle? ho ho! you love the beetle?

                  Thumbelina: No

                  Jacquimo: Then never mind the beetle. Good riddance to the beetle... and good riddance to the toad. Does Prince Cornelius think you are ugly? 

                  Thumbelina: No. He thinks I'm beautiful. 

                  Jacquimo: And so you are.

              g)-Jacquimo: there's the mountain that looks like a turtle

              h)-Thumbelina: You. It's you. Cornelius you're alive!

                   Cornelius: Thumbelina,.. will you marry me?

                   Thumbelina: I will. 

              i)-Jacquimo: And, of course.... they lived happily ever after.

5) Definitely Maybe
                a)-Will Hayes: Will you... um... marry me? 
                    April: No. What do you mean, 'Will you, um, marry me?' I haven't seen you in weeks! You don't look happy or excited about the prospect of our marriage! You're asking me to give up my - my freedom, my joie de vivre for an institution that fails as often as it succeeds? And why should I marry you anyway? I mean, why do you wanna marry me? Besides some bourgeois desire to fulfill an ideal that society embeds in us from an early age to promote a consumer capitalist agenda?                    Will Hayes: Oh! Oh, my God.                    April: You should've got on your knee.                    Will Hayes: Just shut up! Here - I wanna marry you because you're the first person I wanna look at when I wake up in the morning, and the only one I wanna kiss goodnight. Because the first time that I saw these hands, I couldn't imagine not being able to hold them. But mainly, when you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?                   April: Definitely. Maybe. 

               b)-Will Hayes: Summer. Don't mess with me. I can see where you're going with this. In a second you're going to say something impossibly charming.                   Summer Hartley: Really?                   Will Hayes: Yeah, it's gonna be great. And then you're gonna sweep me off my feet, and we all know where that's going.                  Summer Hartley: [laughing] Can't a girl miss a guy?                  Will Hayes: Yeah she can, but I just don't really have time for the pain.              c)-Maya Hayes: Tell me how it happened. And the real story, not the "Oh, we met, we fell in love, and we decided to take all that love and make a family, and that's how we made you."
              d)-Will Hayes: There's one part that kinda bothered me. "William Hayes, Robredo's chief speech writer, is both intense and boyishly handsome." *Boyishly*? 
                 Summer Hartley: Yeah, you know I originally wrote "William Hayes has seductive eyes and the intriguing looks of someone whose clothes you want to rip from his very body", but the editor made me change it.                 Will Hayes: There's just no room for truth in journalism

6) Miss Congeniality
               a)-Gracie Hart: I would so like to hurt you right now. 
                   Victor Melling: As long as you smile. 

               b)-Victor Melling: I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.

               c)-Gracie Hart: [a taxi nearly runs Gracie over] Hey! I'm gliding here! 

               d)-Gracie Hart: Look, she's gonna cry again.
[imitating winner]                   Gracie Hart: "Oh, if I only had a brain."

               e)-Eric Matthews: This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies, and they can hear you.                    Gracie Hart: Don't need that, with all this foil in my hair I'm getting HBO.

               f)-Victor Melling: If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced. 

              g)-Cheryl "Rhode Island": Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mom wouldn't buy them for me - she said they were Satan's panties! 

              h)-Kathy Morningside: Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens and what do I get? Fired! They steal my life. They steal my beauty pageant!                  Gracie Hart: Hey! It is not a beauty pageant. It is a scholarship program.                  Kathy Morningside: Yeah, yeah.                  Gracie Hart: YES! 

              i)-Eric Matthews: No, that's why they *let* me pick you. You wanna know why i picked you?                  Gracie Hart: Lost a bet?                  Eric Matthews: Because you're smart. You're funny. You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. Look, give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you. 

              j)-Victor Melling: [during a makeover session] Eyebrows. There should be two. 

              k)-Gracie Hart: You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me...
[singsonging]                  Gracie Hart: You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to hug me... You want to smooch me... You want to...      .... love me and marry me

7) Italian Job
             a)-John Bridger: Fine? You know what "fine" stands for, don't you? 
                 Charlie Croker: Yeah, unfortunately.                  John Bridger: Freaked out...                  Charlie Croker: Insecure...                  John Bridger: Neurotic...                  Charlie Croker: And Emotional. 

             b)-Left Ear: This dude got dogs. I don't do dogs... I had a real bad experience, man.                 Charlie Croker: What happened?                 Left Ear: I had. A bad. Experience. Damn it. "I'm" deaf. 

             c)-Lyle: [Handsome Rob approaches Becky, the cable technician, in the parking lot. Lyle watches, amazed] Are you kidding me? How does he do that? How do you do that? What are you saying?
[Lyle narrates the conversation with alternating Handsome Rob and ditzy female voices]                  Lyle: [speaking as Handsome Rob] Hey, how are you?                  Lyle: [speaking as Becky] Oh, I'm good!                  Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Nice to meet you. I'm Handsome Rob. And you are?                  Lyle: [Becky] Oh, my name's Becky, but it's written on my shirt!                  Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Listen, I'm gonna need your shirt, and your truck.                  Lyle: [Becky] Perfect! I'll give them both to you. Would you like my virginity as well?                  Lyle: [Handsome Rob] If it's on the menu.                  Lyle: [Becky] Oh, you're so witty! Why don't you take advantage of me?                  Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Yeah, you're not too bright, are you?                  Lyle: [Becky] No.                  Lyle: [Handsome Rob] Perfect. 

             d)-Lyle: [seeing the name "Becky" on the cable-girl's uniform; specifically on her left breast] Becky, huh? Nice name. I wonder what she calls the other one...                 Handsome Rob: And it's such a mystery why you don't have a girlfriend, Lyle. 

             e)-Wrench: [upon first seeing Stella] Whoa, whoa whoa! We didn't get a chance to meet! Wrench.                  Stella: [slapping a wrapped hoagie into his outstretched hand] Ham and cheese.                  Wrench: [everyone laughs] Oh, that's cold. Mmmmm damn, that's cold.

             f)-Lyle: [after realizing how much money they have stolen] Woo!!! Yeah!

[pauses]                 Lyle: I got the Holy Spirit... You should get on it... It's a good train. 

            g)-Charlie Croker: [voice over narration] I took John Bridger's advice. I found somebody I want to spend the rest of my life with and I'm going to hold onto her forever. 

8) Johnny English
          a)-Official at Funeral: Everything in order, English? 
              Johnny English: I think you'll find it's rather more than just in order, Sir. You are now entering the most secure location in the whole of England.
[a bomb explodes in the distance, killing all the British agents]

          b)-[Bough and Johnny fall down a large hole] 

              Bough: Are you all right, sir?               Johnny English: Yes, I landed on something quite soft.               Bough: That was me, sir.               Johnny English: Ah. Good. 

          c)-[Johnny has just been accidentally crowned King] 

              Johnny English: Arrest that man! And lock him away!
[crowd cheers] 

9) The Swan Princess
         a)-Rothbart: Once you steal something, you spend your whole life fighting to keep it. 

         b)-Puffin: There you have it, everlasting love. 

         c)-Rogers: Think, you must see something other than Odette's beauty. 

            Prince Derek: Of course I do, Rogers. She's like... And then... How about... Am I right? 

         d)-Princess Odette: Will you love me, Derek? Until the day I die? 

             Prince Derek: No, Odette, much longer. Much longer.

10) Disturbia

        a)-Ronnie: It reeks in here!

           Kale: What's it smell like? 

           Ronnie: The corpse of a rotting hottie. 
       b)-Ashley: Where are the coffee and doughnuts? You can't have a stakeout without coffee and doughnuts. 
       c)-Ronnie: Quizas.....
       d)-tv: Chicas calientes!

High school

I think I might miss high school. Whenever I think of high school I see two things: 1- the drama drama drama oh my gosh I have a huge crush on this boy but he doesn't like me. sob! and this person is so not as cool as they think they are and oh no the creepy guy with the crush on me is coming this way... hide!  OR 2) choir, math competitions, lunch time adventures, make up nights, prom night. . .

But tonight, it is different. I realized how very simple high school was. You barely had to decide upon classes or teachers. They were simply picked for you. If a boy didn't like you it really just didn't matter and you weren't going to die from it. All relationships were temporary. Parents were more patient and forgiving for your poor choices. Heck, everyone was more patient and forgiving. Money was usually only needed for fun on the side dollar store trips. Eating cheese crisps for lunch every day was entirely acceptable.

It was completely normal to find your entire stash of junk food in your friend's shirt.

The more hideous you looked during a girl night, the better.

Boys existed to be stalked, not to be taken seriously.

Marriage and pregnancy and babies were only heard of in shushed corners and in the movies.

Ditching class meant hiding out in physics building the greatest roller coaster.

A piece of stinky orange gum was definitely worth a rice krispy treat.

Spirit week was the greatest opportunity to be creative.

Duct taping your teacher to a door was the best part of homecoming.

Black bras went perfect in combination with everyone's outfit.

Saying "oops" still created fear while I had scissors in my hand.

And.... every color had a meaning.

An Ellie moment

Sometimes your life becomes an endless cycle of school. . . tests. . . work. . . . friends. .. . drama. . . drama . . . drama.. . . . . drama........ well, you get my point. 

And I get tired of it. Tired of pretending I'm polite. Tired of pretending I care. Tired of wishing you would just do the things you say you want. Tired of checking Facebook every time I become uninterest in another aspect of life and somehow expecting for something that will change things to appear on my screen.

But this is a rant for another day. Today was actually pretty nice. I hit the wonderful snooze button twice. Yes twice. Once is pointless and three times is excessive. I finished my notecard for my test and was on time for the bus. I got to complain about being in a hospital in my sign language class. And be rude about it because that is a lovely attribute of deaf people. I confidently filled in 90% of my geology test and decently BSed the remaining questions. I learned about biblical parallels paralleled in the bible. I ate two chili dogs and enjoyed them even though I don't even like hot dogs. I sang songs at the top of a stairwell with one of my absolute favorite friends as she showed me that ASU does indeed hold magic. I bought cheap anchor earrings that make me feel like dancing. I hid in the library barefoot while watching the NCIS premier I missed last night. I was a nerd for an hour while looking at rocks and becoming excited over the prospect of digging in the mud and finding glow in the dark rocks.  I went to a meeting on a trip to Seattle and laughed with Jill about the prospect of my scholarship application actually getting accepted. I busted out my Mormon scriptures on the 1.5 hour trip home from school. I pretended I was healthy and ordered half of my shaved ice sugar free and then proceeded to feel like I was eating styrofoam for the next half hour. I released my mind from reality for 2 hours while I sat down and watched tv at my home for the first time in forever. 

And now here I am.  . . after this average day. . . . happy that it happened. 

and still wondering why the random man at ASU thought me being barefoot was so odd and how because of that he needed to know my major and year in school.

also am still smiling at my conversation about mormons with the smoking guy selling jewelry. He has a CTR ring. "Because everyone needs to choose the right"

and. . . . still thinking about the snake pictured above. About how we eyed each other yesterday and he looked into my soul. I believe that snake knows some things I don't. There was just something about his look

These lyrics are not for you to copy. They are simply for you to read. My good friend from a couple years back wrote this:

I’m sorry that I’m not eloquent in all the things I say

I’m sorry that those butterflies elude me still today

I’m sorry I’m not perfect, in each and every way

I just want to be with you each and every day

I want you to know how I feel

I want you to be with me

I want you to know and I want you to believe that our love’s real

Also, a video of ASU's magic.