Strawberry Blonde

I have this vendetta against blondes. Funny thing-- I am one.

Hopefully only in the sense of hair color.

I sometimes take the obsession of avoiding blondes too far-- to the point that ordering the "Strawberry Blonde" specialty ice cream from Cold Stone makes me just the slightest bit uncomfortable.

You see, I don't like the term blonde when it is categorized as a personality trait rather than a natural born physical trait.

There are a few types of blondes in this world-

there are Barbara Jeans.. the ones who are pure to the core but simply haven't got a clue.

there are the naturals.. whose only crime in life was to be born with a certain type of genes.

there are the lethal blondes.. who play the games of sexy lust.

and..

there are the acquired blondes.

Acquired blondes are those who have spent their life focused on a goal that I have never made an honest effort to understand.

A goal to be blonde.. to be wanted and accepted by shaping themselves into who they think the popular class is looking for.

This may include pieces of all the other types of blondes. They may be clueless. They may have blonde hair. They may be hott to trot. 

And every once in a while the slightest idea passes through my mind that I am an acquired blonde. 

It happens at random times--

When I often miss a topic of tremendous importance in the news whether its a natural disaster or the latest election.

When I spend money and time on having my hair or nails pampered.

When I am entirely clueless to 9/10 Trivial Pursuit Q&A.

When I chew bubblegum in a classroom full of geologists while wearing a hot pink skirt.

When I receive a good grade in a class that I know I haven't put any work into.

When I relapse back to a past romantic interest simply out of comfort.

When I spend a day tanning by the pool while everyone else around me is working.

When I talk about all the many fantastic trips around the world I've been on even though I can't really say I've ever once had a real source of income.

And... it worries me.

You see, I want to be a Reba. 

I want to be fiery and sassy and unpolished.

I want to make a statement.

Sure, I play the game... 

It's really not that hard-- you simply have to be able to predict and gauge others' actions as a result of the slightest adjustments to your own typical behavior. 

Let me throw out a few examples:

If you are in a new situation or don't have all the answers to someone's questions- be confident. People will believe almost anything you say or do if you show absolute confidence. Even if it is wrong.

If you want someone specific to talk to you- do your research and "randomly" show up somewhere you know they'll be and then indifferently allow them to inform you of something you already know from stalking then and pretend you're surprised. It's a great way to become introduced to a new person or simply reconnect with an old one. However, this should not be used excessively.

If you want someone to view you a certain way- perhaps throw some confusing miscommunication into your appearance. People get hooked on contradictions. Wear a simple outfit but then throw on some attention-getting lipstick to make a statement. Maybe pay particular attention to styling your hair but then wear a t-shirt and jeans to give the appearance of being uninterested. 

If you want someone's thoughts/opinions to follow a certain path, drop unnoticeable hints and set things up precariously as to not make them consciously aware of your manipulation.

That's really what it comes down to most of the time. 

Manipulation. 

You can manipulate a situation in so many ways but in the end, it's going to come back to the cold, hard facts.

You can't play the confidence roll forever-- one day someone's actually going to realize that you haven't got a clue. If one thing is not your strong interest as far as intellectual things go- discover what is.

I could die of boredom collecting information from the news each night but I could spend a lifetime learning how to repair things (physically, mentally, and emotionally)

You can't always walk around in stilettos and a pencil skirt and expect someone to continue being unaware of the thin shell it provides over a very uncertain core. You have to find value in beauty rather than simply being hott.

While staging a situation may help initially, it will never build a strong relationship. There's a very short path until Facebook stalking (and other forms) runs out and you have to have some credibility and genuine courage to take on an unpredictable scenario.

I really have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this. Which.. is bad since blog posts like this really should be directly to the point on a very specific topic, while I'm throwing all kinds of crazy stuff in here.

I suppose my point is wondering if we know who we genuinely are. Beneath all the manipulation and dyed hair and layers and layers and layers that we hide ourselves under, who are we really?

Because who we are is not simply a verbal statement or a character we have persuaded the world to believe we represent. Who we are stems from the very core of the decisions we make and the purest of all our thoughts and emotions. 

That's who we are.

And we want to make sure that its enough.

Enough for ourselves.

He's Just Not That Into You

A couple of my friends and I have a deep appreciation for the movie He's Just Not That Into You. We laugh over it. We quote it jokingly. We watch it every so often during our "we're-single-so-instead-of-dating-we-just-stalk-boys-and-hate-on-them" nights. 

When shopping for the perfect Christmas gifts this past season I happened to walk past an innocent-looking copy of the book that the movie was based off of sitting on a shelf. It took me less than a second to throw it in my cart and watch over it protectively for the remainder of my shopping trip. I gave it to my friend for Christmas with the condition that after she finished it, I wanted to borrow it and read it too. It's been sitting on my book shelf collecting dust for the past couple weeks because I haven't found any real desire to read it just yet but after an evening of studying material for an online Women & Sexuality class, I ran into the living room to retrieve it and have been feverishly reading it and copying quotes out of it since. 

To be honest, its rather disheartening just how much I've gotten into this topic of failed relationships. 

It's become an obsession of mine these past couple months-- attempting to explain and grasp the relationships, past and present, in my own life. I search for answers over and over and over again and formulate new theories and thoughts and plans while still being submitted to the same dreams every single night, no matter how much progress I make consciously. 

Each chapter in this book gives an example of an obvious situation in which a man shows "he's just not that into you."

I didn't read every chapter. Just the ones that sounded potentially interesting or that may have value to my own life crises.

The book is written mainly by Greg with end of chapter "Here's why this [concept] is hard [to accept] notes by Liz.

Chapter 1:

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out: Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

I'm horrible at playing along with the rules in this chapter.

Why?

Because I like to avoid dates. 

I am terrified of going on dates with guys that I don't already know really well and even then, I'm not entirely myself. You see, I like feeling like I'm in control of a situation. If I am somewhere I feel entirely comfortable and with people I feel I don't have to win over, I'm quite the performer. I'm bold and sassy and quick to throw out witty comments-- no problem. But on a date, when I am not the one calling all the shots, I sort of shut down. I'm getting better at not doing this but truth is, the story of my dating life is filled with me asking guys on dates when I decide I want to go out with them. I'll never say no to someone if they ask me out, but I've had enough guys fall for me immediately that I'm not too afraid of someone telling me no, even if I have no faith in it lasting long term.

This becomes a problem when taken in context of this book. I don't trust men enough to believe that if they want to date me, they will. Logically it makes sense, but no, it is not something I want to believe.

Also, I hate the idea of giving the reigns to the general population of men as to where they would like to initiate points of my dating life.

True, I do have some control as to where I want to meet new men and as to whether or not I make myself available, but I like having absolute control in which I don't feel the need to question what's going on and constantly fill my mind with complicated plans.

Here's some quotes I pulled out of this chapter that I found particularly interesting:

Greg: "Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. 

Greg: "Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one."

Greg: "When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be. I know it's an infuriating concept-- that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. 

Liz: Here's why this one is hard: "Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don't know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. ...... But now Greg is telling up that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. ....... We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan."

Liz: "It's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic."

Chapter 2:

He's just not that into you if he's not calling you: Men know how to use the phone. 

I don't like accepting the idea that a guy is not even close to as interested in me as I am in him. I realize that, as a girl, I go overboard in my thought processes when it comes to the world of romantic relationships. I try to make this thought process more rational. So.. rather than expecting a guy to call me or send me a text message telling me that I'm on his mind 5 times a day as I myself would like to do, I try to be accepting of any indicator at all. But this also becomes a problem because at what point is the guy just a total loser that is showing a below acceptable amount of interest? I don't want to overreact because he is not showing the same psycho amount of interest as is constantly pulsing though my mind, but I also don't want to be groveling for the unworthy.

Again, quotes:

Greg: "We like taking a break from our generally mundane day to talk to someone we like. It makes us happy. And we like to be happy. Just like you. If I were into you, you would be the bright spot in my horribly busy day. Which would be a day that I would never be too busy to call you." 

Greg: "Remember: Men are never too busy to get what they want." 

Liz: "It's not easy to find someone you like and are excited about. And you always want to believe that the men you do meet are honest and kind and have your best interests at heart. And when you see the first glimmer of potentially bad behavior, you first hope more than anything that it's not what you think it is. And you want to make sure you don't overreact, punishing him unjustly for some other guy's mistakes."

Chapter 3:

He's just not that into you if he's not dating you: "Hanging out" is not dating.

Well doesn't this chapter just highlight perfectly the line between spending a lot of time with someone who is of potential interest to you verses someone you actually like?

Meh.. not really.

The more time a guy spends with you, the more he likes you romantically. False. No matter what the ladder theory says, sometimes he just isn't into you that way. This can be immensely confusing! Easy solution- call for a DTR. Oh my goodness what could ever be worse than a DTR? Well, it depends. If the guy actually does like you, then awesome-- a DTR will mostly go just fine. If he really is just full of it and wasting your time, a DTR is going to be the most awkward and heart breaking moment in your day. 

Back in the day (not long enough ago) I was the psycho girl who wanted all the answers and looking back on that period of my life, I'm a little bit afraid of just how boy/love crazed I was. Problem is, I'm still like that in a lot of ways. I think that most girls are. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know if a guy likes you and where the relationship is going. My problem now though is, I'm too scared to ask. Why? Because I'm afraid that if I force him to stop for a second and think about me, he's going to pass me up. As pathetic as this sounds, right now I am living in a way that shows I would rather be miserable always wondering than losing the guy I'm interested in all together. I not only doubt that I deserve someone so amazing, but I doubt that he believe that I am good enough to be in his life. Is that absolutely ridiculous? Yes, yes it is but also, no. So many girls have that insecurity that unfortunately, has been abused by guys far too many times.

Greg: "Oh, how easy it is for you all to forget what it's about! Let me remind you: It's about the guy who wants you, calls you, makes you feel sexy and desired fully. He wants to see you more and more often because every time he sees you, he likes and then loves you more and more." 

Greg: "You have every right to know what's going on between you and someone you're knocking socks with. And the more confident you are that you deserve that (and much more), the more you'll be able to ask your big questions in a way that won't feel heavy and dramatic, I guarantee you." 

Liz: "So what if in the beginning [of a relationship] or a while into, it's a little vague? Who wants to be that crazy girl who needs to know exactly what is going on the minute she meets a guy? You want to be the cool girl-- the girl who knows how to hang out and not be all demanding. The thing about that cool girl is that she still gets her feelings hurt. She still has reactions to how she's being treated. She still hope he'll call, wonders when she'll get to see him again, and if he's excited about being with her. I hate that." 

Liz: "I don't want to be 'sort of dating' someone. I don't want to be 'kinda hanging out' with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing all my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved."

Next chapter:

He's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you: When men like you, they want to touch you, always. 

Surprisingly enough, this is the chapter I found that I related with the most. 

It speaks of two of my greatest fears in a relationship- 

1. I'm so afraid that a guy will not be entirely honest with me. This stems from various trust issues through my life but truly, I want to date someone one day that I will know for sure that he loves me. It's happened once before in my life and that relationship has been a solid reminder that trusting someone to tell me the truth is entirely possible. I especially worry when it comes down to guys avoiding telling me that they're not into me. I get that it is a difficult thing to say, but then at least I'll still trust you.

Here's a quote to back that fear up:

Greg: "I hate to tell you this, but some of these men will simply not be attracted to you. I know you're hot but that's just the way it is. And every single one of these men that are not attracted to you will never ever tell you that. Oh, the things they'll say... they're scared, hurt, tired, injured, sick, scared (again). But the truth is simple, brutal, and clear as a bell: If he were into you, he would be having a hart time keeping his paws off you. Oh the simplicity of it all! If a man is not trying to undress you, he's not into you." 

And this note w. reply also correlates: 

Dear Greg, 

   I had a boyfriend ten years ago, I bumped into him on the street recently, after not having seen him for many years, and we start "dating" again, even though it is unclear if that' early what's going on. He won't kiss me or make a pass at me. But, Greg, we're going salsa dancing, we're going barhopping, we're staying out late, talking and dancing and laughing and flirting. He keeps telling me how great I look, how great it is to see me. One night he even told me he loved me and hoped I'd always be in his life. My friends all say he's just afraid to get hurt again and I should stick this one out. He's a great guy. Doesn't he seem really into me, but he's scared? Salsa dancing, Greg, till four in the morning. Salsa dancing. Please advise. 

Hey Salsa, 

   I'm a dude. If I like you, I kiss you. And then I think about what you look like in and out of your underwear. I'm a guy. That's how it works. No ifs, no ands, and clearly no buts. Is he scared? Yes, he's scared of hurting your feelings. That's why he hasn't clarified the relationship. He may even be biding his time hoping he will develop deeper feelings for you. When this dude tells you he loves you and that he hopes you never lose touch again, he may as well be signing your yearbook. He loves you as a friend. If he were in love with you, he wouldn't be able to help himself from getting involved in a romantic relationship regardless of his fear or past experiences. I say, move on! Go meet someone more worthy of your affections and hot salsa moves. 

2. I am totally and completely uncertain about the physical side of relationships.

I love holding hands. So unbelievably much. I'm one of those people that has developed a love for being close to people physically. I didn't used to be like that. I used to be the girl that jumped any time someone touched her because I was so unfamiliar with the idea of being physically close with someone. I love sitting close enough to someone so that we're touching or walking close to them or sharing a twin sized bed. It's something that is very reassuring to me and when I am not allowed to be physically close to someone, brings me a great deal of anxiety. 

I also love kissing. You can easily say I'm a kissing slut with the guys I date. There's nothing I love more than to kiss the guy I care about and then cuddle into his arms. 

However, its when you take it to the point of making out (gag) or cutting off the majority of a physical relationship at all that the uncertainty kicks in. Who wants to be the one in the relationship to say, "hey, I don't actually enjoy getting this physical with you" or "hey, I actually really would love to feel that its an option to kiss you whenever I feel like it."

I doubt anyone's going to raise their hand to volunteer for that role.

And then there's the doubt that seems to always come from any physical relationship. It can be questioning if the reason you're not "getting some" (EFY version) is because you're not nearly as hot to trot as you thought or wondering if the guy is really just more into your body than he is into you.

I've found that I'm mostly okay on a very low physical relationship. After more time than I'm proud to admit of allowing boys to more fully appreciate my body than I'd like, the idea of just holding hands is entirely refreshing. To a point.

Liz: Why this one is hard: "Well, duh. It's about sex. Talking about sex. Asking about sex. Asking for sex. Jeez. That's really fun. And I don't know about you, but I would much rather believe, any day of the week, that a man is too scared, too stressed, too sad, too spiritual, too angry, too fat, too crazy, too in love with his ex-girlfriend, too scared, too sensitive, too sunburned, too in love with his mother, too homicidal, too anything, than find out that he's really just not attracted to me. Or that he doesn't want to have sex with me because then it will mean we're in a real relationship, and actually he doesn't really like me that much. It's extra confusing because we're talking about sex (embarrassing) mixed with emotions (mortifying) mixed with our own insecurities (nightmare)."

Liz: "Because it's such a psychologically complex issue and talking about it is so excruciating, I would almost be able to settle for the relationship with the guy who only likes sleepovers, or the boyfriend with the presumed low sex drive. I mean, he still enjoys my company. I might be able to sleep next to the guy who has stopped wanting to have sex with me, without saying a peep. Or keep dating the guy who seems to want to be my boyfriend but doesn't seem to have any interest in ever seeing me naked. I might even be able to exist in a peaceful marriage with a wonderful man who is more like a best friend than a husband."

Liz: But...... if a woman is not okay with those things (as she should NOT be)... "That means I have to be the type of girl who is going to ask the guys the mortifying questions, and worse, who might break up with a really great guy if he just doesn't want to have sex with me enough or at all. But all I can say is that I suffer from the affliction of believing I can have a wonderful man love me and be wildly attracted to me." 

Last chapter I will quote: 

He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you: "I don't want to go out with you" means just that.

I am the queen of dumping guys.. I've dumped someone over FB chat. I've dumped someone over text messaging. I have dumped someone in the week between their baptism into my religion and Valentine's Day. 

Yes, I've been cruel.

Truth-- In my history of men, there has only been one that broke up with me.

And I didn't take it well. 

Rather than entirely going to pieces, I lived on the hope that he would change his mind. On the hope that some day he would realize that the reason he enjoyed spending so much time with me was because I made him happy and that that happiness was what a relationship is-- you spend your life looking for someone who makes you truly happy and I wanted him to see that I was that person. I lived on the hope that as inadequate as I felt next to him, that I was somehow enough. 

Problem is, there wasn't really an answer in this chapter as to how to accept that he's just not that into you. The answer is simply that you have to accept. 

I don't like that answer.

I much prefer the fairy tale that my mind likes to weave in which any guy that I want to be into me that isn't will be my exception. 

This book constantly emphasizes that we must live as the rules to these principles and not the exceptions.

But that is easier said that done when the world is feeding you these fairy tale exceptions and your closest friends are telling you "but he is different! Maybe it will be like so-and-so when they kept breaking up and getting back together and now they're happily married with two children. Yes, I know I'm feeding you an exception story, but this could be you!" 

Why fight that when you want so desperately for it to be true?

I love Liz's explanation of this since she is so adamantly on my side--

Liz: Here's what's hard about this one:

"Oh, I don't know, how about loving someone and being with them and knowing their family and friends and every inch of their body and never having felt this way before and feeling like your whole life has changed for the better and compiling hours and days and weeks of happy memories and thinking you'll spend the rest of your life together and then finding out that in fact he doesn't even want to see you.....tomorrow. And so is it so wrong to wait around looking for a glimmer, a ray, a sign of hope from him that perhaps he has second thoughts about it? That perhaps he has come to his senses and realized you were the best thing that ever happened to him, that no one will ever be as good to him as you were, that he won't find anyone whom he can connect with on such a deep and profound level and who understands him as much as you do? Is it so wrong to continue to talk to him, see him, bake him cookies, buy him presents, burn him CDs, feed his fish, talk to his parents, call up his friends, break into his voice mail...just kidding. But seriously, is it so wrong to handle a breakup in a classy, mature, loving manner, where you keep in contact and talk and remain friendly and perhaps go to the movies on occasion? And would it be so terrible if perhaps the by-product of that classy mature behavior is that he comes to his senses and realizes you were the best thing that ever happened to him? Would that be so terrible? I don't think so. I think it's a smart, scrappy plan that shows a fine combination of wile and maturity. I can't believe that in the history of mankind and breakups, it has never ever worked. What is wrong with these men?" 

Liz: "I don't know about you, but I hate being single. I hate going to parties alone. I hate sleeping along. I hate waking up alone. I hate knowing that every single boring errant I have to do, I'm going to do alone. I hate not having sex. I hate cooking for one and shopping for one. I hate going to weddings. I hate people asking me why I'm still single. I hate people not asking me why I'm still single. I hate my birthday because I'm still single. I hate having to think about possibly becoming a single mother because I'm single. Have I made myself clear?"

The conclusion:

To conclude, when it comes down to it, every recipient of an uninterested partner simply must admit to themselves that s/he's just not that into you. 

We have to live with the hope and the faith that we indeed are enough. That even as the "rules" rather than the "exceptions" we will still find that perfect someone who will make all of this hell worth it. We must have the determination and courage that there is a person out there who wants us who was the reason in the long run that you never subjected yourself to "settling" for the ones who broke your heart.

Greg: "It's your life-- how dare you not have faith in it! The only story that has ever helped me live my life successfully is the story of faith; I believe that lie will turn out will. More fervently, I believe that you have no other choice than to believe that. I am writing this book, and women will be reading it, because we are all tired of operating from a place of fear. You want to believe that you are better than all the crap you've been taking from all these men all these years. Well you are. You are an excellent, foxy human being worth of love, and the only way you can pursue that idea is by honoring yourself. At the very least this means ridding your world of dudes who are not worth and setting a standard of excellence in your daily life. Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. I'll believe it for you until you're ready."

Liz: "What woman, really, couldn't use a man in her ear, reminding her that she's smart and valuable and worth and gorgeous and deserving of everything she ever wanted? Not a one." 

The End.

The Languages of Love

It's said that there are 5 Love Languages- 

words of affirmation

quality time

receiving gifts

acts of service

physical touch

Without even needing to take the quiz, I probably could have told you that my love language is quality time. 

I grew up in a situation that the older I became, the less time anyone in my family had for me. It was something I adjusted to and I attribute much of who I am to my closest friends rather than my family. 

I have been extremely fortunate in meeting the right people at the right time and allowing them to enter my life. I've found that the moments that those I love have sacrificed time and thought for me are the times that I have discovered I truly appreciate and feel loved by them.

My original quiz results pinned quality time as an easy win. However, in the few months since I took the quiz, I have reevaluated and taken a fresh perspective on my own acceptance of love.

Love Language Scores:

                                                      4 Words of Affirmation 
                                                      10 Quality Time 

4 Receiving Gifts 

6 Acts of Service 

6 Physical Touch

Because of this, I decided to retake the quiz and see if my results would vary. Turns out, they did.

Your Scores

8	Words of Affirmation
10	Quality Time
0	Receiving Gifts
5	Acts of Service
7	Physical Touch

While quality time is still the top score, it doesn't outrank nearly as easily. I've learned the importance of words of affirmation lately. That was not something I've really ever known about. 

I've always known that I am beautiful and talented, but anyone who mattered never said anything and anyone who said something didn't matter.

I'm not someone who is very good about giving compliments or telling people how much I care about them or how impressed I am by them but it is something I have started working on. 

In my own life, I've found that words of affirmation are important to me when coupled with quality time. The two together give more credibility to each-- someone may tell me that I'm beautiful or amazing but chances are I won't believe them unless they show me I'm worth their precious time. Conversely, there are people in my life who share quality time with me-- and I love it, but there is something especially reassuring in hearing them tell me I'm important through words. 

I have this weird quirk where I have a favorite line in my favorite songs. 

Maybe I'm not the only who who is like that.

A favorite line that pops up in a few different songs by Secondhand Serenade is:

"I was born to tell you I love you."

One of my best friends is that person in my life. 

So I believe that phrase to be entirely true.

The Same Wavelength

A while back I was introduced to the phrase, "we're on the same wavelength."

It's one of those phrases that keeps repeating in my mind.

I love science. Yes, even occasionally physics. What I particularly enjoy though, are the connections that can be made to science while not being science per say.

Each person's life and personality creates a wave. A pulse. A story.

Now, obviously, we can't print out such a complicated and infinitely long strand of data, but what if we could? True, it's been compiled in small portions to be compared to another's "data" but can you even imagine what your life and personality would look like on a graph?

Until I started this post, I always viewed being on the same wavelength with someone as simply following the same points along a graph- ranging between the same crests and troughs with them. 

BUT if both people have their own wave/life/personality which is combined with another's wave/life/personality, the combination of the two waves changes from each single wave. 

Here's an illustration of a standing wave- a wave that while it fluxes up and down along the y-axis, it never travels along the x-axis. This standing wave is created from the formation of two separate waves/lives/personalities that are entirely opposite from each other. The blue wave is progressing "forward" along the x-axis while the red wave is progressing "backwards" just as fast in the opposite direction. These two lives are on such perfectly opposite tracks that they are constantly fighting to keep the other from either moving forward or backwards. 

Guaranteed, there will never be anyone who is the exact opposite wave from you or exactly the same but the closer you are to those ideal functions, the more true they will be. That's just how science works.

As for being on the same wavelength, the added results can be seen above in the picture introducing this post. Combining two similar waves will not only create a wave that will continue progressing forward, but it will double the amplitude. In physics, the amplitude of waves has always seemed minor and fairly irrelevant to me but I enjoyed them because it was a simple concept that I felt I could actually wrap my mind around. While the amplitude does not affect the progression of our lives (x-axis), it does affect the path that our lives are able to reach during this journey (y-axis). 

As long as two people are moving through life at the same x-axis velocity, they can work together well. As these paths are matched up, other aspects of their lives formed along the y-axis can be combined together to create an infinite world of opportunity.

Now while all this y-axis stuff may not seem entirely necessary or important, it is still so much of an added bonus. Combining two different amplitudes will open up your life to a new window of opportunity and learning. You may find that you love to dance or play volleyball or travel or ... . . . . . . .

It's also really nice when you find someone with a similar amplitude as your own.  Of course there will always still be things to learn and experience but you will have someone to enjoy the things you already love together. It's a lot easier to convince someone to spend a night dancing or to plan a trip when they've already developed that love. Having a similar amplitude can also encourage you to take those loves in your life to the next level and explore them even further. Jumping into something new can also be a lot less stressful when someone reassuringly similar to you is there to experience it with you.

There's more to having the same amplitude than just enjoying the same activities. It includes having the same thoughts or ideas. How nice is it when your random thoughts and questions are similar to someone else's? How great is it when a letter from a friend shares your same thoughts and truly understands your life? How amazing is it when someone writes an anonymous note and you know exactly who it is and all the little meanings behind it? How fantastic is it when you find the person you can talk to for hours on end and never get tired of listening to their stories and thoughts along with never feeling like you yourself are boring them to death? 

How fan-freakin-tastic are those things?

Isn't that the ultimate goal? To find people in your life who follow the same wave patterns as you do?

Whether they be best friends or eternal partners.

I know those people in my life are irreplaceable and are the reason I can wake up each morning and smile.

To end-- I have a ridiculously intense love with this song and the personal meanings in my own life that it represents. 

My favorite part reads:

And rain falls angry on the tin roof

As we lie awake in my bed

And you're my survival, you're my living proof

My love is alive-- not dead.

Are you fighting for your marriage or for me?

As I was wasting my life away watching a movie tonight, a line from the movie stood out to me.

"Are you fighting for your marriage or for me?"

Hello!!! Personal application!

In our lives through rough patches in relationships, are we fighting for the relationship to stay in our lives or are we fighting for the person in that relationship to stay in our lives?

I wish I would have had this question to ask so many times in my own life.
Through a lot of situations, I was convinced many people in my life would answer, "marriage."
NOT that I have ever been close to getting married but that I have often felt that it wasn't really me that they were in love with. It was the idea of me.

I've been really close to a few guys who I feel that I was an answer to a situation in their lives and made a positive impact but it seems like the role I played and the things I sacrificed myself to be for them were what had them hooked more than who I am as a person.

And that's okay.

But there is something special about fighting for a person rather than fighting against losing a placeholder like a girlfriend/boyfriend or even just someone to spend time with in your life.

Something I've found that is very important to me is for someone I really care about (and who I hope cares about me too) to ask me questions. Part of the reasoning probably stems from that fact that I am a little more vain than I should be and like to talk about myself but a big part of it is also that it shows they genuinely care and want to really know who I am.

Those questions can mean a lot in any relationship. What better way to really get to know someone and test out your attraction for them? I was once asked why I was using the smaller burner on a stove. So simple but its something that impacted me enough to remember. It was a short moment that that person simply wondered the reasoning behind the way I did something. Does that mean they cared about me more than someone who didn't ask? No, not necessarily, but it showed that they were at least a little bit curious about who I was.

One of my absolute favorite memories was a night quite a while back when someone who means the world to me taught me something about myself that I hadn't ever told anyone or hardly realized myself. In the midst of walking home one night he said something about me not liking to kiss when I was tired. How could he know that? He paid attention. He was committed to the idea of caring about me rather than caring about the relationship.

I can look back now and see the times when I have found it so hard to let go and now realize what I was afraid of losing. More often than I'd like to admit I was more afraid of losing the relationship than I was the person which has shown by my relapses back into those situations with the same people. But there have been times too when it was the person I was fighting for and I have realized it was those times that it was that much harder to give up the fight and let go.

He's Not Good Enough For You

"He/She's not good enough for you." 

How often after break-ups (or even before!) have we heard this phrase from our friends and family?

*fingers crossed* I'm not the only one who is more familiar with this phrase than I'd like to be.

This phrase is said for two main reasons: 

The first-- because of the many "faults" others find in your non-true love. 

Whether this stems from them having no job, living with their with parents, never paying for anything, not being as attractive physically as you, having a crude personality, being a little too touchy feel-y than parents or even friends tend to appreciate... anything really--

It doesn't take much to find the negative of a situation. 

Even if its really not a negative thing at all.

I discovered this list of 5 signs "he's not good enough for you" on a random blog post that I found to be fantastically accurate.

Surprisingly enough, it was written by a guy.

# 1: He never criticizes you.

In his vocabulary, if he has only “oh my God, you’re so nice” kinda expressions — either he is too needy or very much politically correct. A true man will help you to find out your negative point so that you can turn it into positive. Though it doesn't mean, he should always criticize either. A true man also knows, after the rains when to add sunshine to create the rainbow in your life.

# 2: You need to always encourage him

If, every time you talk, you need to find yourself to encourage him to follow his instinct, to follow what he wants to achieve, it’s time to move on. If you need to be catalyst for him, who would be your catalyst! So focus on your energy and spend it on your own life.

# 3: He always compares you with other girls.

You all know – life is not a competition, it’s a journey. And we are all on a journey, to find the true meaning of our life, to become what we passionate about, to create something to make the difference. There is nothing to do with what the other person is doing or what they have, or to focus on how you rank in comparison to others. It’s all about what we want to follow, and where we want to go. If he doesn’t respect your real being, you know what to do next.

# 4: He can't pay for anything

Yeah, yeah, there are such people. In billing time – either he is busy with talking in the phone or he needs to go to the toilet. Maybe he would have some change problem: “Honey, do you have any change? You know, I do carry only Credit Cards.” Change that creditable working-bee. But it doesn’t mean he should always pay either.

# 5: His six-pack is his best asset

There is nothing wrong to be in the arms of new-age Hercules – sometimes they are very helpful to smack those cheeky teasers. But if it’s his best asset, you're all likelihood too good for him.

STATUARY WARNING: There are no perfect human in this world, only perfect intentions. Are his intentions perfect enough? If yes, hang on.

I super love that ending. "Are his intentions perfect enough? If yes, hang on." 

Absolutely beautiful. 

And I agree.

But moving on.. 

Reason #2:

You're told that "He/She's not good enough for you because face it, some's throwing you a pity party due to the fact that you just discarded your best friend and social life.

I can't even begin to express how much I hate people doing this to me. (The pity party, not discarding me. Although really, both.)

I realized the other day that in every single one of my relationships, they've ended with me still liking the other person, no matter who broke things off.

You see, at one point I was so attached and cared about this person so much, that I doubt I could ever not still see them that way. Of course I'm going to be upset with them and frustrated but to ever be able to egg their house or agree with the people that tell me that, "He's not good enough for you"...?? Impossible.

I'll be honest--as usual-- and admit that I think I am pretty fantastic most of the time. 

Yeah yeah yeah I'm a clingy pain the the butt who blurts rude things out and still has an immensely narrow perspective, but hey, I think I have a few redeeming qualities about me.

Does that give me license to agree with all the people who think they're comforting me with the phrase "He's not good enough for you"?

NO!

The great thing is, whether I have license to or not, it doesn't matter because when it comes down to it, I'm fiercely loyal to the ones I really care about. Sure, they may have unfavorable qualities that others dock them points for, but they are still amazing people-- just in a way that is different from my own. 

So if I'm single and you think its cute to crack a poor joke about one of my ex's or make the comment that, "He's not good enough for you," don't. 

Take it from a different perspective: 

What if someone was chatting with you one day and said, "I think its a good thing you guys broke up. You're not good enough for him anyways." 

I had that happen once.

Kinda. 

She was actually stating the opposite and I misunderstood but I was more hurt over her correction than the original statement directed towards my own unworthiness.

It breaks my heart that the vocalization of that statement is not giving recognition to how truly fantastic both people are. 

Just in their own way.

Maybe it should just be, "He's not right for you."

Our Relationship With God

Here's the talk I gave in church today:

During the holiday period, there's a great silent emphasis put on relationships. This period is a time when families are brought together. It is a time when most try to be a little more loving to strangers. And, it is a time that for many, a solemn realization of loneliness occurs. 

So often, when we feel like something is wrong in our lives, we spend all of our time searching for a solution rather than making the necessary changes to mend the pain. On the subject of relationships, we often exert a majority of our efforts towards asking for advice or reading articles, searching for answers that will never really be found.

My advice (ironically), rather than looking for an online solution guide, is to turn to God for comfort. Turn to prayer. Turn to the scriptures. Turn to being a disciple through service. Turn to the temple for the strength and support that you desire. 

Now, when I say "turn" to God, what am I meaning?

I am suggesting that you develop a very close and personal relationship with Him.

Nephi's introductory sentence on the first page of the Book of Mormon shares that he "had a great knowledge of the goodness and the mysteries of God"

That great knowledge of goodness and the mysteries of God could have only come through first developing a relationship with Him. 

Whenever I have been advised to build a relationship with God, I've imagined a very distant and formal scenario taking place. 

Such is not the case. 

A relationship with God should be like unto a relationship with your best friend. 

This type of relationship, which is a good relationship, entails having three main things:

absolute honesty

open communication

and

being unified. 

One psychologist said, "Like some people, you may find that you need to learn to be more honest and vulnerable in a relationship, and that you need to learn to believe in your own lovableness."

Personally, I think that a majority of people throw up a wall when approached by the idea of allowing yourself to be entirely vulnerable to someone else. We have this fear that we will never be perfect enough and as was just quoted, that we are not capable of being as lovable as we would hope. 

Who better then to open up our lives to than God who will never let us down or abuse that growing trust? 

The psychologist continues, "It feels good to invest in a relationship. To care. To want to share. To want to give. You may find that the best preparation you can make for marriage [and I'll add-- for any relationship] is to learn to love God and to love yourself. When you have a secure, spiritual knowledge of yourself as a child of God, you will find a sense of personal confidence and identity that makes a good relationship possible.

As we invest in a relationship with God, we will learn to trust in the safest of environments. Not only will we learn to trust in others and love ourselves, but we will be enlightened with the knowledge of the mysteries of God. 

The best part is, we can be closer to God any time we want. 

How beautiful is that? 

How wonderful is it that such a fulfilling opportunity is available to us every single moment?

One of my favorite quotes that unfortunately, I cannot remember where I picked it up from, is:

"If you pray you make God your partner. With a partner like God you cannot fail."

Think about that guarantee- "With a partner like God you cannot fail."

On this New Years Day, I invite everyone, myself included, to turn to God. I invite everyone to open up your lives to Him and turn to Him for love and guidance and by doing so, inviting the greatest opportunity in your life to take place more fully than ever before. 

Allow Him to fill any voids or pains of loneliness in your life. 

Trust God and open your soul to Him as He teaches you of an ideal relationship in which you are loved and have the confidence that you too, are indeed entirely lovable. 

President Faust suggested five ways in which we can invite this relationship:

1st: Prayer. 

2nd: Selfless service.

3rd: "A daily striving for increased obedience and perfection in our lives."

4th: "A daily acknowledgement of His divinity."

and 5th: "A daily study of the scriptures."

President Spencer W. Kimball added: “I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns”

To end, I'd like to share a scripture that I discovered a few days ago. It is not from the King James version of the Bible but is still beautifully worded and true:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the LORD. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

I have a personal testimony of the joy and strength that can be found in our lives as we have a close and personal relationship with God. 

Let that joy and strength radiate into your life too.