My friend's mom recently published a book called A Decision Based on Love that I started reading this afternoon. I already had the heads up that it would be a tear jerker but what I didn't know is that I would start getting emotional from page 1. Had anyone died? no... Was someone hurt or sick? no... Was there any good reason for me to be crying? not really...
The first page is about a woman waking up in the morning. That's what brought on the tears. Here... read a bit of it for yourself:
"When she peeked up from her prayers her husband Todd was watching her with a
slow, lazy grin. “Good morning beautiful,” he whispered, as he patted the bed beside
him.
Shari glanced over at the full length mirror on the wall and laughed out loud. How
could he possibly call her beautiful? Her short blond hair had more gray than blond
and it was sticking up in every direction. She could swear her skin looked wrinklier
than it had yesterday and her hot pink baggy pajamas were as flattering as a neon
potato sack. Still, Todd made her feel beautiful. He always had. He loved her more
now than he had when she was young and pretty, and he told her every day. It wasn't
just words either; he acted like he was the luckiest man on earth. Todd was
definitely in that prayer of gratitude. Shari climbed back into their king size bed,
wrapped her arms around him and snuggled up to his chest."
Super happy and lovely, right? That's exactly why I reacted emotionally. I guess up until today I didn't realize that relationships like that exist. That two people can get married and still be crazy about each other 30 years down the road. That world has never existed in my mind. I've never seen that as a real thing.
Every once in a while I get glimpses of that in my own relationships and think that maybe, just maybe, I could have that some day.
And that's my world-- one where stories like the one in this book are simply stories. I've had a pretty good life and if I can't comprehend that these stories really exist then I completely understand why someone worse off than me wouldn't even see them as an option.
That's something I've learned I need to understand and have patience with. Not everyone comes from the same background as I do. We each have our own perceptions of what love and marriage is like depending on what we've seen from those surrounding us and what we have chosen to educate ourselves on. I might be associating with someone who has never seen anything less than this beautiful love story or I might be associating with someone who has never even seen the slightest glimpse of it.
I'm so glad that I know that stories like this exist. That I can expect to wake up in the morning and be told I'm beautiful by the greatest husband in the world.
It raises my standards an expectations for what I can be some day and adds to my motivation to be so much more than I already am.
Oh.. the friend zone.. every single person's fear and annoyance.
Within a week of when I got home this summer I had been friend zoned so many times I wanted to vomit.
It was the same story every time. I'd meet this guy.. think he was great.. get to be friends with him.. and as soon as things went any further I got stonewalled.
These guys even delivered the same lines-- something like:
"Don't think you're not amazing, because you really are. You're gorgeous and smart and tons of fun to be around but I'm just not interested in being in a relationship with you. I count you as one of my good friends but that's it."
It's gotten to the point where I just start laughing as they deliver the lines because I can almost say them in sync with the deliverer.
I've never gotten a solid answer as to why this happens to me other than the 'my mind says yes but my heart says no' story like my post just prior to this one.
I can't answer my own questions but maybe I can give you some food for thought with something I have learned known as Box Theory.
Box Theory, taught to me by my co-counselor Scott, originating from his friend Beth Roberts, and shared with permission (did I do this right this time Brianna???) is a simple but logical theory on the attention girls give to boys.
Girls put boys in three different boxes:
Box 1: Boys that a girl likes.
Box 2: Boys a girl wishes liked her.
Box 3: Boys that like a girl.
Which box do you think gets the most attention? Box 2 of course. Isn't that what we've heard for so long? Part of the magic is the chase. If a girl wants a guy to like her she'll often give him lots of attention. This sometimes results in the guy then being interested in the girl which moves him from box 2 to box 3. Oooh..... not a place you want to be. Why? Box 3 is the friend zone!
The 'trick' is for a guy to stay in box 2 as long as he can until hopefully he gets moved over to box 1 rather than box 3.
If a guy notices he's heading into box 3 he has to back off & pay attention to other things in order to avoid being 'friend zoned.'
That's the theory.
What do you think?
I think for the most part.. she's got the box juggling scenario down pretty well.
However, the red flag pops up for me when it is suggested that a boy needs to force the chase to continue in order to be placed in box 1 rather than box 3.
I somewhat disagree.
I guess it depends on a girl's personality but for me, your time being chased in box 2 has a very real expiration date. After a point I'm going to get tired of chasing and simply walk away.
How often do we look at love and see everything that could go wrong and get overwhelmed by it because guess what.. there are a lot of things on that list.
I like an image a friend of mine put up on her blog a while back of a venn diagram displaying how we often feel when searching for love.
This blog post idea came to me at a Neil Diamond concert I went to a couple weeks ago when he sang I'm A Believer. I've always heard the version by Smash Mouth and never stopped to realize the meaning behind the words until that night.
Read them through:
"I'm A Believer"
I thought love was only true in fairy tales Meant for someone else but not for me Love was out to get to me That's the way it seems Disappointment haunted all my dreams
I thought love was more or less a given thing
But the more I gave the less I got, oh yeah
What's the use in trying
All you get is pain
When I wanted sunshine I got rain
And then I saw her face Now I'm a believer Not a trace of doubt in my mind I'm in love I'm a believer I couldn't leave her if I tried
I think that is one thing that is so wonderful about love-- that despite everything that couple possibly go wrong, it actually works.
Somehow you find someone that defies all the disappointments and low expectations.
One of my greatest frustrations and joys about love is that it is not completely logical.
I love making lists and I could sit down and make a list of logical reasons as to why I should love someone specific or why they should love me. I don't think I've ever actually done that on paper but I know I have several times in my mind. We could be the same age, have the same goals, enjoy the same activities, laugh at the same jokes... all potentially logical reasons as to why we would be perfect for each other.
I am often reminded of all the many things that I hate and love about Facebook.
Here are a few of the things I somewhat hate:
1. Relationship statuses.
It's not that I mind knowing if someone is 'single' or 'in a relationship' or 'married', but that as soon as that status changes everyone is all up in your business. I suppose it is nice to have that heads up sometimes but there are few things I dislike more than to have people pretend to care by posting pity comments on a "so-and-so is now single" status or to try to make the person feel better by putting their ex down. Our world is so obsessed with putting a label on things and becoming "Facebook official" is just one more.
2. Personal advertisement.
Oh gag. I get so tired of the "woe is me" statuses where people are putting themselves down to get a comment of support. It also gets old to look at perfect profiles that are practically friendship and dating resumés. If you feel the need to fish for a compliment... please don't do so quite as publicly.
3. Limits face-to-face interaction
This goes back to my Talk to Me post. People are dying to talk to each other. One reason FB is so popular is that people are screaming for social interaction. For comfort. For some feeling of worth and love. I really like what my aunt posted as a status (ironically) one day: "Years ago when your mind was troubled in the dark hours of the night and you felt sad and alone if you were really lucky you had a friend that didn't mind to much if you woke them, or you called a crisis line or maybe you reached out to God in prayer.... Now we reach for the iPhone and post. Wow Times.... They are a changing." I miss having to make phone calls (as much as I hated them) if I wanted to talk to someone. So often now I send a text or message or open a chat window. It is crippling.
Here are a few things I really like about Facebook:
1. Information
How great is it that in a matter of seconds hundreds of people can share the same information? Whether it's an invite to an event coming up or an announcement or a news article.. I can have it all compiled on one website. It's so easy to spend 2 minutes setting up an event rather than calling or texting the 50 people I'm inviting. It's definitely helped my social life when I am bored one night and within 5 minutes can find 2 or 3 things going on. I absolutely love it.
2. Long distance communication.
I can stay in contact with hundred of my EFY kids or people I've met on trips from around the world. With one click I can get a glimpse into what's going on in Mau Village in Fiji where I helped build flushing toilets. I can share a scripture with one of my EFY groups. I can check who is working up at my scout camp in Beaver, Utah. So much reward for such a little effort.
3. Simplified stalking
You know that "close friends" tab on the side? I like to refer to that as my simplified stalking tab. I don't even have to go on someone's wall to find every single thing they've been doing. FB complies everyone's information onto one news feed just like I ask.
So those are my feelings about Facebook. I know this is a totally random post but I'm sure you can all add your own 'Hear hear!' to a few of these.
I have no idea WTH is going on with the arrangement of the text. I changed one thing and the words all suddenly melted together and wouldn't line themselves up straight again. You'll have to read this post with a left alignment instead of centered. I'm so sorry.. ;)
There's this movie I happen to love called What's Your Number? It's a cliché chick flick but, like most, it has a couple very valuable lessons and ideas in between the girly sighs.
The first point I want to talk about is the basis of the entire movie-- What's your number?
In the movie, Ally Darling is reading a magazine that says women average 10.5 sex partners in their lifetime. A friend later tells her research has shown that women who sleep with more than 20 guys have a much lower rate of marriage and settling down. Ally's already at 19 which quickly turns to 20 in the next scene. Rather than being celibate for the rest of her life, she decides to track down her past relationships and see if something works with one of them. Her womanizing neighbor Colin from across the hall is helping her track down these exes and in the process, falls in love with Ally but she won't sleep with him because she's already at 20.Here's what Ally's friends have to say about him:
Eileen: Because he's not the kind of guy you end up with. He's the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with.
Ally Darling: How do you know? You haven't even met him.
which then turns into a conversation between Ally and Colin after a little (non-sexual) fling:
Ally Darling: Would you please just go. Colin Shea: What about last night? Ally Darling: I think we should just forget about last night. Colin Shea: Because of Jake? Ally Darling: No. Because you're not the kind of guy I'm supposed to end up with.
Colin Shea: What kind of guy am I, Ally? Ally Darling: You're the kind of guy you date before you meet the guy you end up with, and I've already dated twenty of you. Colin Shea: So you're gonna try and make it work with Jake, a guy you haven't seen in years, just so you don't go over the number twenty? Ally Darling: It's not just about the number anymore, okay? Colin Shea: Well then, what it is? Ally Darling: It's what I want! Colin Shea: You don't know what you want, Ally! You're so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be, you don't know who you are.
Three things caught my attention in this conversation-- 1. Ally's obsession with a number. 2. The judgement placed on Colin labeling him as "the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with." 3. What Ally wants.
1. We've all got our numbers. Number of boyfriends/girlfriends, number of sexual partners, number of people we've kissed, number of NCMOs... And to most people-- those numbers are kinda important. They say something about you. If your numbers are high maybe you're a little bit more free spirited, a little bit more risky, a little bit less of a committer. If your numbers are low maybe you're a little more cautious, a little more serious, a little more independent. Or you could jump to the ultimate and somewhat inaccurate stereotype that if your number is high, you're a slut and if your number is low, you're a prude. Whether you're a 59 or a 2, there's still a story behind your number. So what's with the obsession in Ally's world of keeping a low number? She's afraid that if her number gets too high she's going to miss her chance at the real thing. It's Saltines before steak all over again. Ally doesn't want to finally find the real guy and have him think, ew.. you've been with 20 other guys? It's also the thought of failure for all of her numbers.. the thought that surely one of her past numbers could have worked if circumstances were different. Have you ever repeated your number in your head and thought, *gasp!* that many? and I'm now single again? I feel like such a slut. I know I have. Here's my main thought as to why worrying about numbers is stupid: While working on keeping your number down may be a good thing that keeps you sincere in relationships, keeping them so low is extremely limiting. You might spend all your efforts forcing a past number to work when one number higher could be perfect for you but you're too worried about numbers to let that relationship happen. Such is the case in this story-- Ally is so hung up on her number and not adding another man to the list that she misses what is right in front of her. Colin has no chance because she's afraid he's just going to be another empty number with little to show from it. Which leads me to number 2:
2. Who is "the kind of guy you date before the guy you end up with"? In this story its Colin who is a womanizer-- he sleeps with a different woman all the time and then disappears before they wake up. He's completely into the sex, not the relationship. He's the guy who, for that initial period of time, you fall for completely only to realize after time that you're making excuses for him. It should be easy enough to spot that guy, right? Wrong! Sure, at times it may be simple but more often than not.. it's difficult. Why? Well, taking it from the perspective of Ally and Colin-- she already knows who he is. She knows what he does to women and even though he changes as he gets to know her, she still thinks he's that guy. How is she supposed to know that he's really changed? How is she supposed to know that he's changed permanently? It takes a lot of trust which takes time and effort to built from such a rocky beginning. Looking at this from another perspective-- let's say this guy you're dating is perfect at first. He's the one to kiss you on the cheek randomly and pay attention to the little things. Then some things come up in your relationship that you're frustrated by but later find out he had legitimate excuses for. Things start to trend downhill from there. Rather than building trust, that initial trust you had at the beginning slowly begins to deteriorate. I've seen both of these situations so many times and even though most of the time these really are the kind of guys you date before the guy you end up with, they are the guy you end up with and are happy with enough that I'm not confident in simply walking away without giving the relationship the time it needs to make it or break it. And I think that's what you have to do sometimes-- just give things a chance.
3. What is it that Ally wants? At first she just wants someone that is one of her 20. However, she tells Colin that it's not about the number anymore. My best guess-- Ally wants someone that her family approves of, that her friends approve of, and someone she can be moderately happy around. And in the movie that's Jake. He's rich, he's attractive, her family and friends love him, and she has a pretty good time with him. However, I truly love what Colin said to her: "You don't know what you want, Ally! You're so busy trying to be what everyone else wants you to be, you don't know who you are." Ally has been basing her relationships on everyone else. On what research has told her about numbers. On what her mom wants. On what her friends expect. Why? Because it's safe. It's easier to follow rules and a life that has been laid out for you instead of working to figure out what it is you want and take that leap of faith. It takes a lot to decide who you are and what you want and then believe that there's someone out there who will love you for that and will want you for that. This leads in perfectly to my favorite lesson in the movie.
The movie ends with Ally's sister, Daisy, getting married and its during Ally's toast to the happy couple that she realizes who she is and what she wants.
Ally Darling: When Daisy and Eddie first got together, I have to admit, I was a little bit nervous. I could tell that it was serious, and I thought that the closer she got to him, the further away she'd get from me. But that didn't happen. Not only do I see more of Daisy, I see a happier, even better Daisy. It's like with Eddie, she's completely herself. When you're a big sister, it's your job to teach your little sister everything. You know, how to ride a bike, how to lie to your parents, how to kiss. Not with tongues. Settle down, uncle Charlie. But, I never thought about what my little sister could teach me until right now. So I wanna thank you, Daisy. Thank you, for teaching me that being in love means being yourself. To Daisy and Eddie!
At this point, Ally breaks up with Jake because she realizes that she's not herself when she's with Jake. Her mom, who loves Jake as Ally's boyfriend, tries to counter this:
Ava Darling: Why are you doing this? We were finally happy! Ally Darling: No! You were finally happy. I don't wanna marry Jake Adams! That's not who I am. I'm a jobless whore who slept with twenty guys! Ava Darling: Shh! Ally Darling: And I wanna be with somebody who appreciates that about me. You may not understand me, mom, but you don't have to. All you have to do is love me. I know that I'm not perfect, but that's why you have Daisy.
In the cliché, happy-go-lucky ending, Ally delivers this line to Colin: "I'm happiest when I'm being myself, and I'm myself when I'm with you."
And isn't that what it's all about? It's about figuring out who we are and then finding someone who loves us for that and brings that out. It's not about numbers. It's not about conforming to a standard or to the rules and expectations around us. It's about being ourself and simply letting who we are take control.
Here's a quick, easy, and extremely effective lesson on how to get a girl.
This may work for getting boys too although I doubt if it does it is nearly as effective.
So there's this girl you like... how do you get your hands on that tasty treat?
You give her attention.
Done.
4 out of 5 times that will work.
(I haven't actually done any research on this but I'd say that's a fairly accurate statistic.)
As long as you're not creepy she will fall for it. Girls want to be liked. They want someone to notice them. They want someone to smile at them. They want someone to listen to them. They want someone to show that they care-- even if it's the smallest of efforts on the guy's part.
That's it. Give her attention and you'll get a girl.
This relates to a post I wrote a while back. The reason we like people is because we like who we are when we're with them. Isn't this basically the same thing? If a guy gives you attention then you're going to feel like a princess which in turn will lead you to be interested in him and want more and more of this attention.
So what is attention? Here's what Wikipedia shares from line one:
Attention is the cognitive process of selectively concentrating on one aspect of the environment while ignoring other things.
Just make her stand out. Feed that inner hunger for love and attention. Let her know she's not just a figure in the crowd.
But there's a problem with this.. not that it doesn't work.. but what happens afterwards.
It has to be followed up with genuine interest and care and effort to ever make it anywhere.
It's a great trigger for a relationship but has to be fed further with more substantial effort from both parties to turn it into something real.
How many times have you fallen for someone simply because they gave you attention?
I know I have--- SO many times.
If this lesson on giving attention is not used properly it will just break hearts.
Who wants to give up on someone who has been feeding their ego so well?
I know I've already used this picture for a recent blog post but it captures exactly what I want to talk about and I'm a little more than a little bit in love with it.
I'll explain its meaning later on.
Most of my blog posts lately have been written for my readers but this one is for me. Writing organizes my thoughts and de-stresses my mind in a way nothing else can.
I've always considered myself a diligent worker. I can't really say that I'm a hard worker, but definitely a diligent worker.
Let me explain.
I've always been involved working on a lot of projects at once. In elementary school there was ELP one day every week, orchestra, band, bell choir, horseback riding at my grandparents house, building things with my grandpa, sewing and crocheting with my grandma, making potions out of plants, building a house out of refrigerator boxes...
Activities in Junior High turned into academics, orchestra, shop class, Junior National Honor Society, raising kittens, walking across the same crosswalk 100 different ways in the pouring rain...
High School was primarily academics with choir, orchestra, NHS, VP of Math Club, service hours, applying for endless scholarships, seminary president, time with friends, a week in D.C. with Close Up, two weeks at a university in Mexico studying Spanish...
In college I maxed out on credits every semester, first majoring in chemical engineering and then changing to geology, choir, dancing, American Sign Language, sociology classes, honors contracts, study abroad, visiting Great American Cities, GeoClub VP, picking up one job and then a second, every weekend filled with field trips after I'd been at school and work all day and all night, buying the most trashed house I've seen outside of movies and remodeling it while balancing 18 credit hours and two jobs...
Every summer was another trip, another job, another tight packed schedule.
I won't say I didn't skimp out at times, didn't sleep through classes, didn't spend a day here and there laying in bed with ice cream and a book because I was too tired to move..
I'm definitely guilty a thousand times over for those kinds of things..
But I still got everything on my plate done.
Not necessarily a hard worker, but always diligent.
And then... it ended.
After the most exhausting semester and summer of my life I came home to nothing.
No school. No job. No weekend camping trips. No late nights cataloging rock specimens.
It never occurred to me that such a situation would ever exist in my life.
I suppose in the back of my mind I had always expected that when I finished my bachelors I would already be married. Already know exactly what career I wanted. Already have my dream car and life..
Instead, I decided to take a few months off and discover what life was like without all of those things.
Super easy, right?
Here's what my day is like-- I wake up whenever I feel like it. I eat breakfast while I catch up on the internet. After that I might clean my room or house, might watch a movie or read a book, might visit the temple or work on a blog post, might work on a puzzle while listening to Pandora, might tan in the pool or play with baby parakeets..
Every night I'm either invited to do something or I make my own plans to get out of the house.
I'm not going to complain-- I love having the option to do all of those things. Did you know that I've wanted to spend a rainy day at home drinking hot chocolate with a book and puzzle for a few years now and I actually got to finally do that this past week?
It's a great life but here's the other half-- I've never felt so entirely worthless.
It's my nature to be always busy and not being that has been difficult and a lot less rewarding.
As I was finishing reading Hunger Games last night I stumbled across a paragraph of Katniss's thoughts that I thought related really well to my own life:
"For the first time, I allow myself to truly think about the possibility that I might make it home. To fame. To wealth. To my own house in the Victor's Village. My mother and Prim would live there with me. No more fear of hunger. A new kind of freedom. But then...what? What would my life be like on a daily basis? Most of it has been consumed with the acquisition of food. Take that away and I'm not really sure who I am, what my identity is. The idea scares me some. I think of Haymitch, with all his money. What did his life become? He lives alone, no wife or children, most of his waking hours drunk. I don't want to end up like that."
I don't think I could have worded my thoughts any better. In high school at the end of choir concerts we would exit the stage and stand around the audience holding hands while we sang a song called Lonesome Road. The first time I had the opportunity to participate in this I had strepp throat and I still made it happen because it mattered that much to me. The quote by Katniss made me think of this song:
Walk down that lonesome road all by yourself Don't turn your head back over your shoulder And only stop to rest yourself when the silver moon Is shining high above the trees If I had stopped to listen once or twice If I had closed my mouth and opened my eyes If I had cooled my head and warmed my heart I'd not be on this road tonight
This is the point that I'm at in my life. Starting out on this road, worried that I'm going to be walking it alone, ever cautious of making the right decisions. It's often said that who you are is determined by what you do when no one's around. For the first time in my life no one is giving me a grade or observing me every minute of my day and I'm simply learning what it's like to be me.
I'm learning what I care about. I'm developing better habits and skills. (I cook and buy produce now!) I'm learning what I like about myself and what I need to work on. I'm refining what I'm looking for in my future.
So to explain the picture at the top--
I'm ready to go. I'm gneiss, tuff, and a little wacke. I've got my Camelbak with my gear, ready to start the hike through a narrow slot canyon.
