In case you didn't already know, I'm a psycho stalker

I feel like Ben and Jerry always seem to understand me. They understand that 1000 calories in a carton is my max calorie consumption for one item. They understand that Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream soothes broken hearts and shattered dreams. And this time around, they understand that I'm FAIRLY NUTS.

I have this.... problem. It's not so much a problem as it is a way I live my life. A way that often puts me in situations of extreme stress and embarrassment. Well, embarrassing if I could actually bring myself to care. You see, I'm an analyzer. I analyze people. I analyze situations. I analyze relationships.... But sometimes things happen that disrupt that calm analysis. I have this wonderful plan all figured out in my head and a single breath later it is all snatched away. So what do I do? I panic. Why? Because my wonderful plan was already riding along the edge of actually working out and new changes come so close to pushing things over the edge that it seems like only a temporary wind is holding things together. At least that's what I think. It may not actually be as unstable as I think but I never give things long enough to play out and see. So what exactly do I do? I make as rational of a decision as I can and quickly throw out questions that people just... don't ask. I hate that the world is so conformed to what is supposedly acceptable. IT'S STUPID. I don't understand why if someone has a question they really care about they have to spend all this extravagant time and efforts to getting an answer by taking the long way to get there. Oh wait... that's what I was doing with my original wonderful plan that I spent so much time analyzing and checking for errors. So to answer that question... they do it because it is so much less awkward. It avoids putting people on the spot and it avoids so boldly hearing answers you are terrified of receiving.

But maybe, just maybe. . . .

that 0.01% of the time....

it actually works.

Twilight Tours at the Wright House

When I was a little girl I grew up down the street from the Wright House. It's been my dream to have my reception there similar to The Plaza in Bride Wars. Now that I'm a teensy bit older and want different things with my life and understand money a fair amount more I'm not positive that is still my choice but there is something that as I drove by tonight I decided I most definitely want to do.
Monday and Tuesday nights from 5pm-8pm they have what they call "Twilight Tours." I assume its just an open house for couples looking at difference reception locations. I REALLY want to go to some day even if I am not dating someone. I actually think it would almost be more fun if I were to just take a guy friend and we could pretend we were madly in love and were seriously looking at this place for our reception. How amazingly fun would that be? Or go engagement ring shopping?! I really don't care much about engagement rings but I still think it would be so much fun to go with a friend one day and have some fun with it.

The things I hate.

Sometimes, I'm a hater. Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate life lots of the time but there are those few things that range from mildly irritating me to making me want to wrap up in a big blanket and eat a carton of Ben and Jerry's or an avalanche shaved ice while watching my favorite movie or the latest episode of Castle.
For instance:

1-I love romance [The feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love]. I love someone randomly kissing the person they adore simply because they were thinking about them and realized once again just how much they care. I love when someone cares enough to remember something important in your life or to give you something because it made them think about you. I love the simplest compliments that I've been given that I will remember for the rest of my life.

2-I love hair products-- shampoo especially. I love the different scents and ways they change the texture and appearance of my hair. I love how one little dab of liquid can make my entire day better. I have several bottles of different hair products... why? Because it is what makes me feel beautiful. Beautiful for me, not for anyone else. No one's really going to care what shampoo I chose for the day... its all for my own personal satisfaction.

3-I love rescuing bees out of pools and feeling them crawl across my hand. It's beautiful to see the difference such a small action on my part makes. I also love the feeling of their little tiny feet.

4-I love thick warm rain. One of my absolute favorite feelings in the world is being out in a pouring rainstorm in the middle of the summer. There's this feeling of claustrophobia where everything is pressing down on you and you can't breathe but there's also the idea that its just you and the rain and for a few seconds, nothing else matters.

5-I love driving without limits. Without speed limits. Without time limits. Without personal limits. I love that it allows me to let go of the pain building up inside of me. Sadly though, due to laws, gas prices, and time limits... I usually just run around the track at Westwood until I'm too exhausted to hurt.

6-I love citrus blossoms. I love enjoying their wonderful scent especially at ASU when the smell in the air is often something quite different. For me they are a thing of renewal and joy that affect me in a way not many things do.

7-I love water, especially the ocean and everything associated with it. I love the way water recycles and is such a major part of everything. I love ships and ocean life and studying the tiny shells and rocks that make up the sand on beautiful beaches.

8-I love music in a way that I can't even describe. I love closing my eyes and separating each part of a complicated melody while analyzing it in a million ways. It is something beautiful that envelops emotions and passions and heartaches and joys...

9-I love my projects whether they are physical things I can see or people I have affected. I love restoring something that has been destroyed and building a masterpiece that is everything I imagined in my mind. That's what my house is-- my imagination (with limitations of course) put into action.

10-I love my friends. My friends matter to me more than anything else. They make me who I am and give me reason to become who I want to be. They inspire my dreams and ease my pains. They have the answers and set the example when I am so severely falling behind and still love me through those shortcomings.

There is so much that I love.... and yet there are still the things I don't...

I can't stand frayed edges of papers torn out of notebooks. I get irritated at smokers who have a lit cigarette but aren't actually smoking thereby subjecting me to their nasty habit without any benefit for themselves. I shiver over long fingernails and the sound of popping joints. I can't understand why some streets don't line up straight or why Riverview shopping center has such a disorganized layout. I'm picky about who is in my room because it is my haven from parts of my life. It irritates me when people complain about things that are not going to get any better by complaining which sadly enough is something I know I do far too much because I like the attention. I don't like the phrases "Ya know?" "How are you?" and "Whatever makes you happy." because they have no real meaning and show a lack of personal concern or effort which is so much of what our world has turned in to these days.

But today-- what do I hate most? I hate when there is someone I dislike for irrational reasons and I have to pretend that I like them and be okay with it. This scenario in my mind sounds something like this... "You stupid cow why are you so disgustingly nice and are now ruining my hopes and dreams? Oh hi! So nice to meet you I would love to high five you because we have something in common but really I just want to run away before I break down entirely. thanks."

Sometimes... I just need to vent. Need to let out the frustrations and the hurt and spill out my soul even if no one will even understand what I'm writing because it is all entirely in code. But somehow it works. And now I feel better. Goodnight.

I CHOSE to be more than pretty good

Pretty Good

by Charles Osgood from the Osgood File, 1986
There once was a pretty good student 

Who sat in a pretty good class 

And was taught by a pretty good teacher 

Who always let pretty good pass. 

He wasn’t terrific at reading, 

He wasn’t a whiz-bang at math, 

But for him, education was leading 

Straight down a pretty good path. 

He didn’t find school too exciting, 

But he wanted to do pretty well, 

And he did have some trouble with writing 

Since nobody taught him to spell. 

When doing arithmetic problems, 

Pretty good was regarded as fine. 

5+5 needn’t always add up to be 10;

A pretty good answer was 9. 

The pretty good class that he sat in 

Was part of a pretty good school, 

And the student was not an exception: 

On the contrary, he was the rule.

The pretty good school that he went to 

Was there in a pretty good town, 

And nobody there seemed to notice 

He could not tell a verb from a noun. 

The pretty good student in fact was 

Part of a pretty good mob. 

And the first time he knew what he lacked was 

When he looked for a pretty good job. 

It was then, when he sought a position, 

He discovered that life could be tough, 

And he soon had a sneaking suspicion 

Pretty good might not be good enough. 

The pretty good town in our story 

Was part of a pretty good state 

Which had pretty good aspirations 

And prayed for a pretty good fate. 

There once was a pretty good nation 

Pretty proud of the greatness it had, 

Which learned much too late, 

If you want to be great, 

Pretty good is, in fact, pretty bad.

So... the purpose to this post. For my senior highschool yearbook I was interviewed and asked why I wanted to be in the top 20 of my class. I actually did not remember this or what my response was until Matt read it to me a week ago.

 "I choose to be in the top 20 because what I want to achieve can only come from a lot of work. There is no easy path." 

I wish I could say that now. I wish I knew exactly what it is I want and cared enough to give everything I have to make it happen. I wish I was brave enough and confident enough and trusting to the point that even in my exhausted state I would be a bit more comfortable with the choices I am making. 

Don't get me wrong-- I'm not saying I am depressed and have screwed up. There's a lot in my life that I'm proud of myself for accomplishing. There's a lot that I still work hard for and am motivated to achieve. 

I just wish I would quit messing around with the things I love so much that don't matter and have the courage and motivation to be the person I want to be. 

I'm so sick of people wanting to be things but not ever becoming those things. 

I'm not that kind of person. 

In the end, it doesn't even really matter right now. False.

Once upon a time, in a made up world, theoretically I had a friend who for simplicity's sake we'll just say was exactly like me and she was in love with a boy exactly like you. But remember, this is all entirely made up. Theoretical. A fantasy. Psh don't even give it a second thought.

SO...

One day there I (meaning my friend in her theoretical situation) was just minding my own business which was probably a bad thing because there was a really boring person talking that I should have been paying attention to but said person it entirely irrelevant.... when I spotted you being so obviously yourself and began by creeperin to discover your secrets. We sat by each other one day and I pretended to ignore you which apparently I've done more than once now except this last time I really was oblivious. Then, being the loser I was I scoped out your information and made one of my best friends talk to you first. Turns out that best friend of mine is now one of your best friends too. And eventually I said hi. Actually I said more than that. My poor mouth just spilled out all your personal information that I had creeped and for some reason you did not run away screaming. Your bad. Time went by and I was entirely myself slacking on school work and obsessing over boys. And I didn't care that that was who I was and I didn't care that you saw me as that person. We spent plenty of 1-on-1 time together but it was never a date because such a scenario just wasn't part of our friendship. Then one day.. something happened and everything changed. And I hate myself for it. Hate that everything I had going for me is suddenly on the line. Hate that I now care that you might think that I'm a lazy boy obsessed waste of time. Hate that I'm too scared of an answer to ask the question.

Good thing this is all my friend's theoretical problem, right?

In honor of the 7th Harry Potter being released:

A fantastic writer with well worded humor and a love for Harry Potter created this for a project at school.

http://chumweb.byu.edu/chum250/_sec002/bronson/quibbler.html

It's the most exciting edition of the Quibbler so far. Harry Potter fans- enjoy.

Editing: Now I know why everyone else looked so hott in their pictures.

Some time around a year ago Stephannie and I did a little photo shoot. I never got around to editing any of the pictures but tonight I am supposed to being writing a forever long paper on a forever long project. Let's just say that my fridge is clean, the trash has been taken out, the dishes are done, the microwave is clean, these pictures have been edited and in an hour or two my room just might get rearranged. Again.

1st picture is the original, 2nd is the edited.

BTW-- I wouldn't mind feedback.