I Cain't Say No

Listen to the lyrics in this song-- they may be cute in the musical but let's be serious... 

It's a real problem.

"I cain't say no"

I can't even list how many times this phrase has been the source of complicated relationships and wasted time. 

To make sure we're on the same page.. I'm talking about relationships being formed for the wrong reasons-- you start a relationship because someone is interested in you and gives you that undivided attention or you are uncomfortable with the idea of being single so you take the first person who comes along. 

A lot of people do this!

Why? 

Well who wants to be alone? Who doesn't want someone who thinks you're positively amazing and wants to be there for you? Who doesn't want someone to confide in and share experiences with?

I found a chart describing a couple different types of people in relation to relationships and was especially interested in the Love Addict/Avoidant section in relation to this post. 

I see myself in both of these roles- especially as the avoidant. 

The behavior line that really gets me is, "Ambivalence all the way through may be in relationship because can't say no"

A relationship is something you want to be sure of. 

Not a constant game of uncertainty.

I've been there-- I've spent months of my life in relationships that I was never certain about. 

But I was in them because I liked the attention. I liked having someone love me. I liked having a best friend to spend half the night talking to on the phone. I liked holding hands and a nice make out session every once in a while. 

But I didn't love it because in those relationships I could never truly say that it was all that I wanted.

Then one day it all clicked in my mind what I was doing and just how unfair I was being so I finally made a decision and I walked away. And I felt nothing. I couldn't believe I could be so heartless. So uncaring. That I could spend months with someone and then simply let go was disheartening. 

But it was the right thing to do.

I later got my life in order and then realized that I did indeed care and that I was finally ready to love.

I don't regret the decision I made-- it allowed me to make a more important decision.

By saying no I was able to look at the situation clearly and figure out what really mattered to me.

So why is it that we go along with these relationships and let things simply happen without ever making a decision?

What prevents us from being decisive?

1. Fear-- we are afraid.

-We're afraid of hurting their feelings or disappointing them because as much as we can't say we love them as a romantic companion, we still love them enough to not want to cause that pain.

-We're afraid of cutting off that relationship entirely. How scary is it to lose your best friend? Face it-- the person you date is your best friend. They're the person you spend all your time with. They're the person you share personal information with. They're the person you are most vulnerable to. And even if you can't say you love them, you still do.

-We're afraid of misunderstanding. That your entire history with that person will suddenly unravel with no way to keep the threads aligned. 

-Even before a relationship is started, we're afraid of missing out.

But most importantly, 

We're afraid of ourselves. 

We lack personal respect. We lack the confidence that we deserve better than an instant fix. That if we are patient we will actually have someone waiting for us.

Isn't that what our world is about? Snatch up an opportunity while it is available! Take whatever you can get because you never know when you might get another chance.

I found a statement in an article titled How To Say No To Others that put a lot of things into perspective: 

"When you say yes to something you don’t enjoy, you say no to things that you love"

We limit ourselves! We are so pathetically needy and doubtful of our own potential that we instantly say "yes" because its easier and automatic

But what if we had the cojones to say "no"

?

It takes bravery and trust but think of the outcome.

We just might actually find something or someone we love.

100%

I do have a disclaimer though:

When making the choice of whether to say "yes" or "no" you have to make sure that you are not cutting off a potential that you can't see

Maybe make it conditional--

I said no and then realized down the road the immense potential I had just walked away from.

So just... pay attention.

And smile.

Because smiling makes you happy.

And isn't that what it's all about?