...gah!

I searched "gah" in hopes of finding a superbly wonderful picture for this blog but this is what popped up. Somehow.. I feel that it fits. 

So Amanda... why are you writing another stupid blog? Why are you still awake this late when you're exhausted from working all day and night plus you get to go back to work in the morning for another full day? What is this blog even about? And why???? are you referring to yourself in 3rd person?

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha I don't know. I'm off the wall crazy and the whole losing your two closest friends in the same month thing is still wiggin me out. For those of you who have received my random texts and messages, please forgive me. They are merely ways to release all the tension and concerns and frustrations building up inside of me that I pretend I can ignore but occasionally they're too much. Obviously.. since I'm not sleeping. I love sleeping. So much. 

So what am I really "gah"ing about? Growing up. That's what I'm freaking out about. I think in the past month I finally realized that I am grown up. Not that anyone really ever grows up but I feel like there is still a point in one's life where the balance shifts to a new side. And ya know what? It scares the crap out of me. But you already knew that from the last 3 paragraphs and if you didn't pick up on that then seriously, stop reading. You don't deserve to read this with such a lack of comprehension. 

So what all have I realized? I realized that I am alone. And not only that, but I like being alone. Sometimes. 

I like it because whatever I do is what I know I want to do. I don't have to worry about being too pushy or being too passive or wondering if someone is actually interested or if I'm boring them to death. I don't have to worry about what I say or if someone else is saying something simply to impress me or because they're afraid of hurting me by telling me the flat out truth. Whatever choices I make usually make me happy and if they don't I can't complain that its anyone else's fault. 

When it comes down to it, I really think its just an insecurity of mine. In many cases I have not yet convinced myself that someone actually wants me. As a friend or "partner"... I'm really not getting into specifics. I've spent so much of my life knowing that I am hurting people that it has made me afraid to go through any of that again. And ya know what? It sucks. Yes, sucks. It's a horrible word but I feel like it adequately portrays the situation at hand. 

But seriously.. don't be depressed over this. I'm fine. F.I.N.E. (I'll love you forever if you get that joke.) If I need someone in my life.. I find them. There are several people that I've been close to at one point or another that I bounce back and forth between, calling on certain people for certain situations at different times. And for me, that is working for now. Yeah I know... some day I'm going to have to face the world and have some cojones and just throw myself out there but for now I'm staying where I feel safe. 

So what brought on this realization of growing up? Well.. it started with my best friend moving out and then going on a mission. Those were things that we used to only dream about. Then I realized I had accumulated 121 college credits. That's enough to have graduated in something! 121! I still remember sitting in 6th grade when I made the decision that I would go to college. Then people started asking me what I wanted to do for my career in a year... Let's see, what else? Oh kids that I used to babysit just graduated from high school. Mhmm yeah who's appearing older by every line. I know I'm really still super young but hush don't judge. haha I hate that sentence. "Don't judge me." Well of course I'm going to judge you. We're always judging people. It's not the fact that you're judging it is HOW you are judging. A couple other things-- I have bills now. And serious responsibilities that won't simply result in a letter grade lower if I screw up. I feel the need to actually earn a decent amount of money because there is so much I want to do and it is so very expensive. Oh how I miss the days of ECA when my trips were free and didn't drain my savings account. 

It's one of those love/hate things.. I love that I am my own person who can make any choice she wants but then again, it was nice to not go so in depth with my thinking process and just let things happen as other people planned them and still make irrelevant mistakes.

Favorite drinks -> :D

I know this is the stupidest and most worthless post ever but I want to share my favorite drinks. It's my blog so if you have a problem with it there is a nice little X in the corner of your window (top right for PC and top left for Mac)

This is the drink that inspired this post today. Orange and Strawberry Sunny Delight. Heck yes it is wonderful and for some reason I only buy it when I go to the dollar store but I actually don't think they have it at Fry's where I usually shop because I definitely bought a whole bunch of normal Sunny D the other day and I would not have done that if they had Strawberry Sunny D.

Anyways, it's pure goodness with plenty of sugar and 100% of your daily Vitamin C.

Sunny D

Next up is Strawberry Banana Sobe. Sobe makes a few other good flavors but this one is by far my favorite. Again, high in sugar and tastes like heaven. 

Sobe

Third on the list although not in any order is Jackson Hole Huckleberry Soda. Sounds weird, right? Seriously though-- it is entirely refreshing and flavorful. I learned about this drink when I worked at Beaver High Adventure Base and I still have two bottles stashed in my pantry from 2 years ago. Saved for very special occasions although I should probably just drink them before they start to ferment. If they can do that. I don't actually know. Anyways, it is a different flavor but very delicious.

Huckleberry Soda

This next drink is not because I think I'm fat and I'm watching my calories. Anyone who knows me moderately well knows that such is not the case. I eat whatever I want whenever I want. I actually find that sugar free drinks taste better to me. I think its that they are lighter and less strong. I did find out however that I only like this stuff cold which is interesting because I'm usually not a huge fan of cold drinks or at least not super cold. 

POWERADE ZERO-Strawberry

The final drink I'll add to this list was one that I grew up drinking at Stuart Anderson's Black Angus. Unlimited refills and trust me.. I took full advantage of that and tried to set records on each visit. I find it pretty that as a child I was able to not only consume a reasonable portion of my meal but 8 glasses of this goodness. I'll love it forever just because of the memories it brings back and as a way to high five my younger self for starting out super early on the non-alcoholic beverages.

SHIRLEY TEMPLE

Boyish characteristics that don't get a smiley face on your checklist

I love venting on this blog. LOVE releasing all the frustrations built up inside. In the past week I've been irritated over and over again by things that guys my age do that frustrate me. 10 being mild to 1 being where I can hardly keep from sending a punch. These 10 things are ones I came up with in the past week so its entirely possible that there are more things that take precedence over ones listed here but for now here's what I have. 

I'll add a quick disclaimer for any of you who are going to get your whitey tighties in a twist-- I like men. I really do.. There are just some certain things that make me call certain men boys. If I call you a boy (which honestly I will most likely not do to your face-- I'll just write a blog about you.) it is because I feel like you are not living up to your expected maturity level. 

Now... I'm not saying that there aren't exceptions. I'm just saying that for the most part-- you're irritating me. But seriously.... don't freak out. Don't get butt hurt. Just take any criticism constructively.

10:

Boys who forgot this thing called a hair cut after their mommy stopped pampering them.

This is one way I enjoy sorting freshmen. You can often predict who is more mature by their appearance. Hair cut.. if they shaved or not.. if their clothes match/are clean.. 

This is number 10 for a reason.. there are some guys who look good with longer/disheveled hair. Or shaving-- I have a friend that occasionally skips a few days shaving and I find it super attractive. 

For for the majority of you... its bad enough when children have nasty hair like this but please, for the women in this world... be a big boy.

9:

Drunk boys. 

For both boys and girls I find intoxicated people extremely disheartening. I'm not saying they're not funny-- on the contrary they are often hilarious and a wonderful source of entertainment but its also depressing watching someone lose their agency to act on their own will to the point when all they can do is sit in a corner with a blank smile on their face while they toss their cookies.. or I suppose lack of cookies and more just straight alcohol. 

Last week one of the girls on my Boston trip decided she was going to consume 3 vodka and 1 cosmo drinks to aid her boyfriend problems. I should have told her lettuce does the trick. She came back to the hostel entirely wasted and although it was fun watching her it was sad that she couldn't do things as simple as brushing her teeth and putting her pajamas on. and holding all the alcohol in. *vomits*

8:

Boys with long sideburns.

Long sideburns are even nastier on boys than they are in this picture. I really don't have much to say about this other than-- either shave or don't. None of this nasty in between crap.

7:

Boys who fold two pieces of pizza together so they can eat it faster.

Puhleeeeze is seriously necessary to eat 2 pieces of pizza at once? Ew.. ew ew ew. I realize that America is all about saving time and everything is busy busy busy but still... that's gross. Just eat your food normally and chew. Pizza is not to be inhaled. If you're looking for something to inhale try something a little less legal.

6: 

Boys who frequently reply with short text messages. 

One of my absolute favorite things is checking my phone to see a call or text from a guy I care about. Even if it is me initiating the conversation, I appreciate hearing from them back. However, nothing will irritate me faster than short dead end replies. Example: "k" "lol" "hey" "thats cool" "sure"

Seriously?? If you don't want to talk to me then just DON'T. Do not waste my time with meaningless texts asking me how my day was or replying with things that were entirely unnecessary for me to read. Also-- it is not necessary that you must always send the last text. ESPECIALLY when you make sure you send the last text by replying with one of the examples above. 

Viewing this in reverse-- something that will send you straight to the top of my list of best guys in my life are texts that not only answer my question but go further into detail. For example, if I ask you if doing anything tonight you can say "no" OR you can say "no I'm blah blah blah with blah blah blah and blah blah blah." or to give one of the latest replies I appreciated- I asked what his job was and he could have simply said the title but no, he told me the title and what the company's purpose was and what different tests were performed and future projects...  Even if I didn't give a crap what he told me it still shows that I was worth 30 seconds of his time to text more than two words. 

5:

Boys who chew and spit sunflower seeds.

This is a disgusting habit that often replaces an even more disgusting habit of chew tobacco. First off-- it stereotypes you down to the level of idiot. Second-- its not actually attractive to watch you fill up an empty water bottle with spit soaked shells. 

I would like to categorize gum as the next step in therapy after chew and sunflower seeds. Chewing gum is not always bad but honestly chewing gum while you're giving a talk in church or are in a situation when you're supposed to come off as professional makes you come off as less than attractive and appealing.

4:

Boys who feel the need to always upsize what the girl ordered. 

This boy peeve is formed for the most part from the hours I have spent waiting for Bahama Bucks customers to order. I HATE when a girl orders one size and then the guy orders one size larger than her. I'm not saying sometimes I don't side with guys on this-- if my date ordered a baby size I wouldn't get the same as her. That's okay. It's when you make it into a stereotype that "men" should eat more than women and be the "man" in the relationship that you start irritating me. 

3:

Boys with long fingernails and/or toenails.

Seriously-- check out this creeper's pictures. I really want to send this to the police to take the creeper off the streets because after looking at some of these pictures I am entirely creeped out. https://picasaweb.google.com/purdyfaller

Long nails gross me out. On myself and on other people. I was raised playing piano, violin, and cello so my nails were always short. They still are and if you catch them leaning towards the long side- trust me, I am in more pain than you. I realize that cutting your nails is required fairly often but it takes 1 minute. That's it. It's really not that difficult. Just don't cut them in public like on a bus. No one wants that hitting them in the face.

2: 

Boys who use phrases like, "Get the F out of my bed." 

This is a touchy matter for me. I have heard so many guys retelling their latest "I got drunk so we slept together and in the morning she wasn't as hott as when I was drunk and I got what I wanted from her so I told her to get the F out of my bed." I can't even begin to tell you how disgusted I am by the people who share those stories. It is sad watching girls on the walk of shame. Sad that there are guys that douchy in the world. Sad that the girls would degrade themselves to that level. Sad that such a thing is not only common in our world but is thoroughly accepted. 

1:

Boys who I can't trust. 

There are the boys who love to full fledge lie to me.. however, those are not the ones that this is directed to. This is directed to the lies that are to keep me from feeling hurt. The lies that show you don't trust me or respect me enough to share your thoughts. The lies that have destroyed my life and I'm sure so many other people's lives. 

I've never understood why it is so hard for so many people to tell the truth. The WHOLE truth. You don't want to go out with me? OK cool just let me know. You don't agree with one of my opinions? So? You're entitled to have your own say. You met someone new? I get it.. but don't lie to me. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. I love the truth no matter how much it hurts. I will NEVER give you crap for telling me the truth even if it is something I don't enjoy hearing. But lying to me-- that is so much harder to heal. 

People always wonder why I don't accept compliments. Why? Because I am tired of compliments being lies that I have been told because that is what the guy thinks I want to hear. When I have been lied to my entire life-- why should I suddenly believe the truth? There are exceptions in this. There are a couple people that I believe when they give me compliments and I can list exact times when they've said something that I believe. But they have also never lied to me.

SOOO.... to brighten up this depressing post- let me tell you something that I absolutely love. 

I love eyeliner on guys. 

I thought I might die of happiness when I saw Jack on Burlesque. Everyone has their type that they're attracted to whether it is because of an accent or hair color or height or that they are outgoing...

My type is Jack. The apparent bad boy who is good to the core. I'm really not huge into guys because of physical characteristics but I think Jack with his eyeliner and tattoos and toned body is down right sexy. 

And I love his personality. I love that he is a backstage wonder. He is someone to confide in. Someone to trust. Someone who always makes you laugh as he offers you cookies with a decreasing amount of clothing on. Someone who has a strong personality but can see reason. Someone that you don't notice until one day they say something and from that point you're entirely intrigued. 

Bwahaha but the kind of guy I'm likely to fall for is to be saved for another post. If ever.

Right time... right place

This picture has nothing to do with what I want to write about but it randomly showed up as I was searching for a photo to use and I couldn't help but smile. 

There are 10 types of people in this world... the ones who understand binary and the ones who don't. 

But seriously-- 2 types of people. The ones who believe that everything happens at random and is just a coincidence or luck and then the people who think everything happens for a reason.

Well, I'm one of the people who believes everything happens for a reason. 

Don't freak out on me.. it's not like if I stub my toe that I think it has some significant meaning... My believing that everything happens for a reason pertains more to the big picture of things. 

For example, I believe in things happening for a reason job-wise. I honestly believe that when Harkins was hating on me and didn't give me a job that it was meant to happen that way. And believing that made it easy to move on and not stress out over it. And ya know what? I now work at Bahama Bucks and I love my job. Such would not have been possible with Harkins. A coincidence? I think not. 

I also believe in relationships happening for a reason. No... I don't even believe that. I know it. I know that people come into and leave my life at times that have meanings. Family. Friends. Boyfriends. There is something that I need to learn from them or they help me out when I really need them or they leave in order for me to let someone new into my life. I could list off so many times when these situations fit together perfectly at times when not even a realist can claim a coincidence. 

So there you have it... That's what keeps me going. That is what allows me to be okay with things when they are not going as I planned them. It is because I know that things will fit together at the right time and with the right people and since I believe that, and after all I can do, I need to just trust that there is something wonderful waiting for me in the future. I have to trust that what is being prepared for my future is so much better than my past however entirely wonderful my past may have or have not been. 

Trust... it is a beautiful thing.

In case you didn't already know, I'm a psycho stalker

I feel like Ben and Jerry always seem to understand me. They understand that 1000 calories in a carton is my max calorie consumption for one item. They understand that Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream soothes broken hearts and shattered dreams. And this time around, they understand that I'm FAIRLY NUTS.

I have this.... problem. It's not so much a problem as it is a way I live my life. A way that often puts me in situations of extreme stress and embarrassment. Well, embarrassing if I could actually bring myself to care. You see, I'm an analyzer. I analyze people. I analyze situations. I analyze relationships.... But sometimes things happen that disrupt that calm analysis. I have this wonderful plan all figured out in my head and a single breath later it is all snatched away. So what do I do? I panic. Why? Because my wonderful plan was already riding along the edge of actually working out and new changes come so close to pushing things over the edge that it seems like only a temporary wind is holding things together. At least that's what I think. It may not actually be as unstable as I think but I never give things long enough to play out and see. So what exactly do I do? I make as rational of a decision as I can and quickly throw out questions that people just... don't ask. I hate that the world is so conformed to what is supposedly acceptable. IT'S STUPID. I don't understand why if someone has a question they really care about they have to spend all this extravagant time and efforts to getting an answer by taking the long way to get there. Oh wait... that's what I was doing with my original wonderful plan that I spent so much time analyzing and checking for errors. So to answer that question... they do it because it is so much less awkward. It avoids putting people on the spot and it avoids so boldly hearing answers you are terrified of receiving.

But maybe, just maybe. . . .

that 0.01% of the time....

it actually works.

Twilight Tours at the Wright House

When I was a little girl I grew up down the street from the Wright House. It's been my dream to have my reception there similar to The Plaza in Bride Wars. Now that I'm a teensy bit older and want different things with my life and understand money a fair amount more I'm not positive that is still my choice but there is something that as I drove by tonight I decided I most definitely want to do.
Monday and Tuesday nights from 5pm-8pm they have what they call "Twilight Tours." I assume its just an open house for couples looking at difference reception locations. I REALLY want to go to some day even if I am not dating someone. I actually think it would almost be more fun if I were to just take a guy friend and we could pretend we were madly in love and were seriously looking at this place for our reception. How amazingly fun would that be? Or go engagement ring shopping?! I really don't care much about engagement rings but I still think it would be so much fun to go with a friend one day and have some fun with it.

The things I hate.

Sometimes, I'm a hater. Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate life lots of the time but there are those few things that range from mildly irritating me to making me want to wrap up in a big blanket and eat a carton of Ben and Jerry's or an avalanche shaved ice while watching my favorite movie or the latest episode of Castle.
For instance:

1-I love romance [The feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love]. I love someone randomly kissing the person they adore simply because they were thinking about them and realized once again just how much they care. I love when someone cares enough to remember something important in your life or to give you something because it made them think about you. I love the simplest compliments that I've been given that I will remember for the rest of my life.

2-I love hair products-- shampoo especially. I love the different scents and ways they change the texture and appearance of my hair. I love how one little dab of liquid can make my entire day better. I have several bottles of different hair products... why? Because it is what makes me feel beautiful. Beautiful for me, not for anyone else. No one's really going to care what shampoo I chose for the day... its all for my own personal satisfaction.

3-I love rescuing bees out of pools and feeling them crawl across my hand. It's beautiful to see the difference such a small action on my part makes. I also love the feeling of their little tiny feet.

4-I love thick warm rain. One of my absolute favorite feelings in the world is being out in a pouring rainstorm in the middle of the summer. There's this feeling of claustrophobia where everything is pressing down on you and you can't breathe but there's also the idea that its just you and the rain and for a few seconds, nothing else matters.

5-I love driving without limits. Without speed limits. Without time limits. Without personal limits. I love that it allows me to let go of the pain building up inside of me. Sadly though, due to laws, gas prices, and time limits... I usually just run around the track at Westwood until I'm too exhausted to hurt.

6-I love citrus blossoms. I love enjoying their wonderful scent especially at ASU when the smell in the air is often something quite different. For me they are a thing of renewal and joy that affect me in a way not many things do.

7-I love water, especially the ocean and everything associated with it. I love the way water recycles and is such a major part of everything. I love ships and ocean life and studying the tiny shells and rocks that make up the sand on beautiful beaches.

8-I love music in a way that I can't even describe. I love closing my eyes and separating each part of a complicated melody while analyzing it in a million ways. It is something beautiful that envelops emotions and passions and heartaches and joys...

9-I love my projects whether they are physical things I can see or people I have affected. I love restoring something that has been destroyed and building a masterpiece that is everything I imagined in my mind. That's what my house is-- my imagination (with limitations of course) put into action.

10-I love my friends. My friends matter to me more than anything else. They make me who I am and give me reason to become who I want to be. They inspire my dreams and ease my pains. They have the answers and set the example when I am so severely falling behind and still love me through those shortcomings.

There is so much that I love.... and yet there are still the things I don't...

I can't stand frayed edges of papers torn out of notebooks. I get irritated at smokers who have a lit cigarette but aren't actually smoking thereby subjecting me to their nasty habit without any benefit for themselves. I shiver over long fingernails and the sound of popping joints. I can't understand why some streets don't line up straight or why Riverview shopping center has such a disorganized layout. I'm picky about who is in my room because it is my haven from parts of my life. It irritates me when people complain about things that are not going to get any better by complaining which sadly enough is something I know I do far too much because I like the attention. I don't like the phrases "Ya know?" "How are you?" and "Whatever makes you happy." because they have no real meaning and show a lack of personal concern or effort which is so much of what our world has turned in to these days.

But today-- what do I hate most? I hate when there is someone I dislike for irrational reasons and I have to pretend that I like them and be okay with it. This scenario in my mind sounds something like this... "You stupid cow why are you so disgustingly nice and are now ruining my hopes and dreams? Oh hi! So nice to meet you I would love to high five you because we have something in common but really I just want to run away before I break down entirely. thanks."

Sometimes... I just need to vent. Need to let out the frustrations and the hurt and spill out my soul even if no one will even understand what I'm writing because it is all entirely in code. But somehow it works. And now I feel better. Goodnight.