...gah!

I searched "gah" in hopes of finding a superbly wonderful picture for this blog but this is what popped up. Somehow.. I feel that it fits. 

So Amanda... why are you writing another stupid blog? Why are you still awake this late when you're exhausted from working all day and night plus you get to go back to work in the morning for another full day? What is this blog even about? And why???? are you referring to yourself in 3rd person?

Hahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha I don't know. I'm off the wall crazy and the whole losing your two closest friends in the same month thing is still wiggin me out. For those of you who have received my random texts and messages, please forgive me. They are merely ways to release all the tension and concerns and frustrations building up inside of me that I pretend I can ignore but occasionally they're too much. Obviously.. since I'm not sleeping. I love sleeping. So much. 

So what am I really "gah"ing about? Growing up. That's what I'm freaking out about. I think in the past month I finally realized that I am grown up. Not that anyone really ever grows up but I feel like there is still a point in one's life where the balance shifts to a new side. And ya know what? It scares the crap out of me. But you already knew that from the last 3 paragraphs and if you didn't pick up on that then seriously, stop reading. You don't deserve to read this with such a lack of comprehension. 

So what all have I realized? I realized that I am alone. And not only that, but I like being alone. Sometimes. 

I like it because whatever I do is what I know I want to do. I don't have to worry about being too pushy or being too passive or wondering if someone is actually interested or if I'm boring them to death. I don't have to worry about what I say or if someone else is saying something simply to impress me or because they're afraid of hurting me by telling me the flat out truth. Whatever choices I make usually make me happy and if they don't I can't complain that its anyone else's fault. 

When it comes down to it, I really think its just an insecurity of mine. In many cases I have not yet convinced myself that someone actually wants me. As a friend or "partner"... I'm really not getting into specifics. I've spent so much of my life knowing that I am hurting people that it has made me afraid to go through any of that again. And ya know what? It sucks. Yes, sucks. It's a horrible word but I feel like it adequately portrays the situation at hand. 

But seriously.. don't be depressed over this. I'm fine. F.I.N.E. (I'll love you forever if you get that joke.) If I need someone in my life.. I find them. There are several people that I've been close to at one point or another that I bounce back and forth between, calling on certain people for certain situations at different times. And for me, that is working for now. Yeah I know... some day I'm going to have to face the world and have some cojones and just throw myself out there but for now I'm staying where I feel safe. 

So what brought on this realization of growing up? Well.. it started with my best friend moving out and then going on a mission. Those were things that we used to only dream about. Then I realized I had accumulated 121 college credits. That's enough to have graduated in something! 121! I still remember sitting in 6th grade when I made the decision that I would go to college. Then people started asking me what I wanted to do for my career in a year... Let's see, what else? Oh kids that I used to babysit just graduated from high school. Mhmm yeah who's appearing older by every line. I know I'm really still super young but hush don't judge. haha I hate that sentence. "Don't judge me." Well of course I'm going to judge you. We're always judging people. It's not the fact that you're judging it is HOW you are judging. A couple other things-- I have bills now. And serious responsibilities that won't simply result in a letter grade lower if I screw up. I feel the need to actually earn a decent amount of money because there is so much I want to do and it is so very expensive. Oh how I miss the days of ECA when my trips were free and didn't drain my savings account. 

It's one of those love/hate things.. I love that I am my own person who can make any choice she wants but then again, it was nice to not go so in depth with my thinking process and just let things happen as other people planned them and still make irrelevant mistakes.