I'm having one of those days.
It started with feeling too stoned to get up this morning and has led to the most ultimate boredom I've experienced in... well.. since engineering classes. At least then there were distractions.
Even though I feel like a horrible person because I'm cranky and wasting an entire day in which I could do so many amazing things, I still can't bring myself to have even the slightest desire to do anything. ANYTHING. I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to shower. I don't want to watch a movie. I don't want to swim. Heck, I don't even want to eat shaved ice. Something is terribly wrong. And the worst part? There is one thing that I want to do but it is not an option because guess what? some people have lives. I hate that-- those times that I'm such an absolute spoiled brat that I want to hate the world even more because I can't have one thing my way.
I have this void in my life and the problem is, I am not sure how to fill it. Sure, I have plenty of ideas and options... I could ignore the void and spend every minute working which is what I originally planned to do this summer-- work to avoid thinking and avoid facing some realities in my life. But I don't want to do that. Especially not today. It's not fair to make other people deal with me when I'm like this. So another option-- find a new interest that I can dive into entirely. I actually wanted to pick up an old hobby this summer but I have not yet been able to. I wanted to get my piano moved to my house so I can learn how to play again. I used to be really good at playing the piano. I had dreams of playing beautiful pieces by Beethoven and I actually had my favorite piece of his learned quite well at one time. But I have no way of personally moving my piano to my house and I am too stubborn with myself to ask for help. So my final main option that I came up with-- find the person that will change my life. I know that only I can really do that but perhaps there is a person who makes me want to be everything I've dreamed about. A person who brings that motivation so I will have a purpose in being the person I know I can be. My last attempt at that plan failed but most days I am still fighting. Fighting because it is something I want more than anything else right now.
I watched a movie the other night and really liked this line:
“Sometimes, you play the game even if you know you’ll lose. And sometimes, you leave the game even if you know you’ll win.”
It's given me a lot to think about. So often I play a losing game because it is something I want so much I would never forgive myself if I walked away and did not give it my very best. But there are times too when I have walked away because winning no longer held what I was looking for. Not that the end result changed but more that I changed. Either that or I couldn't stand watching myself hurt them.
There are those times though when you neither lose or win. Those times when you and your opponent are two solitary kings on a chess board. Then what am I supposed to do?
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