Faith, Trust, Pixie Dust

Prologue:

One of my current jobs is substitute teaching and most days, especially when I'm filling in at a junior high or high school, I have a lot of empty time to kill. The first few weeks I blasted through a handful of books but then decided I need to take advantage of these precious hours with few distractions so I've started bringing an Ensign (a monthly LDS magazine) to work instead. The quotes from this post are based off of the article A Time For Faith Not Fear.

My Demanding Personality:

People who have spent time with me know that I like my life planned out. I like knowing what to expect and the details of what is going on around me. 

Information is my security.

Above everything else in my life, this applies the most to my relationships. 

I am the queen of DTRs.

Social limits keep me fairly contained but if I had my choice I'd want an hourly update on my relationship statuses.

You can see why the idea of dating someone new or making myself vulnerable without what I feel to be adequate information makes me more than a little bit antsy.

A Time For Faith, Not Fear:

I've been drilled in lessons of faith over fear my entire life but reading this article, something clicked differently than it ever had before. I was reminded of a conversation with my roommate when I'd commented on a guy I was interested in but already thought it would never work out. She told me I needed to stop thinking that way and go for it as if I expected a triumphant result.

Or something like that.

At that moment I resolved to go for the gold and be more giving and vulnerable in this relationship than I had in the past, in hopes that I would be rewarded with a positive outcome. 

A time for faith, not fear.

"Most of us naturally long for security and clarity in life, but there must be some uncertainty to allow us to use our agency to grow. There is no freedom without agency, and there is no true agency without some risk. Therefore, there is no true freedom without some risk, some uncertainty."

Each time we put faith before fear, we are growing.

It's not always going to work out. The trails aren't always clear and the sun doesn't always shine.

BUT--

"Facing a trial builds faith and confidence."

"Rapids are a part of our journey. Sometimes they may even upset the boat. But navigating the rapids of life brings a great sense of accomplishment and exhilaration we would miss if we got out and waited on the bank. The rapids really are the best part."

Closing Statement:

As we put faith before fear in our relationships (and in life in general), as we work our way through trials, we are making ourselves infinitely stronger and better.

The most important part is that we act. We stand tall and go for it.

"Answers to prayer and solutions to problems generally come as we act."

Now go show 'em what you've got.

Mirror, Mirror

"Write hard and clear about what hurts." 

~Ernest Hemingway

The pain I have caused myself doesn't even compare to any other trial I've faced in my life.

Let me write hard and clear about this topic because, more than anything else, this is what hurts.

I am in awe of how horribly I, and many of those around me, treat themselves.

I've had a few realizations this weekend helping me grasp what is going on in my mind as to how I perceive myself and it's given me a real wake-up call. 

1. My status in society.

I returned home from China this summer ambitious and ready to become employed in a career. I applied for job after job and took a pretty hard hit on my esteem as I was continually denied a response to my applications, let alone an interview or employment. I was getting really frustrated at being turned down even though I have what I perceive to be a pretty decent resumé. 

I'm just a no-one who graduated over a year ago and still hasn't done anything career-related with her life. Why would they hire me when there are so many other people out there with more experience? No matter how hard I try I will never be enough for the jobs I really want.

That is what I lowered myself to-- the things I was lacking.

2. My relationship with men.

It often feels like the men in my life aren't good enough for me or I'm not good enough for them. There is very rarely equal ground. Currently, it's the latter. There's this fear that continually gnaws on my confidence. Not the typical I don't feel pretty enough or what if I don't have the qualities he's looking for? sort of insecurities, but things much deeper. Things like what if he believes deep down I'm a cynical jerk? or my family situation is so far from the Mormon ideal it's going to scare him off.

Again, the focus is on the things I am lacking.

3. My perception of myself.

I know I'm great. I know I'm funny, smart and independent. I know I give good advice and walk confidently, proud of who I am. I know I'm brave, strong, and ready for new adventures. 

But when I wake up in the morning, what do I think? Amanda, you're beautiful and you are going to great things this day? Ha! Amanda, you slept in late and still need to do blah-de-blah-blah before you feel like you're anywhere close to satisfied with what you made of your day is more like it. I see myself as a myriad of things to improve on rather than a stack of things I've done that make me proud. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, I've found it's rough only looking at the things I'm lacking rather than seeing the power and magic of the potential I possess. 

And that's what hurts.

I see myself and those around me, so wrapped up in fear of never being enough that they are missing the big, beautiful, wonderful picture of all they really are.

1. I am an intelligent person seeking out higher employment in order to better develop my skills.

2. I am one cute chick, confident of herself in the company of her friends.

3. I am stellar. I am love personified, reaching out to bring that to the world.

And all those around me need to see themselves as that too. 

But so often we miss it all.

And more than anything else, that hurts.

Praise Life

Yesterday I took some 'me' time and ended up reading a bunch blogs I'd written. It was especially good to read a couple I had written on things I'm grateful for and I want to once again share some things I consider very blessed to have as part of my life.

1. I am grateful for LIFE-- the ability to function and the option of making whatever I want out of my day. Now, more than ever, I understand the possibilities I have every moment and am so happy and excited that I get to pick which ones I want as part of my wonderful self. Life is beautiful. My life is beautiful.

2. I am grateful for ARIZONA. I really, really, love it here. I love going camping year-round. I love swimming and kayaking and feeling my skin burn from the sun in the summer. I love the monsoons and losing my mind when the driveway gets covered in raindrops.

3. I am grateful for HOPE. Whether that hope comes from religion or a cheesy chick-flick, it is beautiful to see people dream and believe in an idea. No matter what happens, there can always be hope.

4. I am grateful for SILENCE. I think there's a lot to be said about the ability to be silent and enjoy being in silence. 

5. I am grateful for LAUGHTER and SMILES. There is such joy and elation in my life when I smile and laugh. 

I could go on forever. 

I am grateful for my family and friends, meeting new people, Taco Tuesday, being random, yard sales, movie nights, Monopoly Deal, traveling, street vendors, waterfalls, trees, flannel sheets, good music, flirting, pedicures, soft carpet, REI gear, my car, knowledge, stars, good conversations, books, my red couch, scrapbooking, writing, blogging!, letters to/from friends, campfires, tanning, Thai food, pajamas, cereal, weddings, dancing, badminton, geology, museums, flowers, swings, raisin and cinnamon toast, eyeliner, good-tasting lip balm, Charlotte Russe perfume, paychecks, sexy swimsuits, naked time.....

Life's just good. Take time to appreciate it.

Lie to Me

Yes, yet another blog post inspired by How I Met Your Mother. 

"A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth. ... People want the lie. They NEED the lie." ~Barney Stinson

I hear that statement a lot. Usually in the form of "Stop ruining my good story with your facts." but still, all the same. 

So what exactly is a lie? 

Lie: an intentionally false statement; present a false impression; be deceptive

I hate lies.
I hate lying to people.
I hate other people lying to me.
I hate seeing others lie to each other.
I hate it.

I've been lied to, cheated on, and abused by people I once considered the idea of marrying.
I've watched my friends and family go through the same things and far too often, things much worse.
I very firmly believe lying is the best way to destroy a relationship and damage a life.

I also believe that the truth is the best way to build a relationship and create a good life.

I try to trust people, whether that be the entire human race or the person closest to me.
I also try to be trustworthy because there is nothing I want more right now than to have a deep relationship founded on trust.

The problem is that I have what I believe to be a very real perspective on the trustworthiness of humans.
While most people do not intentionally lie on a regular basis, I believe that most people unintentionally lie every single day. I know I do.
Most of the time, we lie to ourselves. We lie about who we are, what we want, and what we really need in our lives. While those lies are not intentional or directed toward anyone, seeking to damage, they often still have their effects.

I think honesty is a huge indicator of maturity and integrity.
When someone can be honest with themselves and eventually with others, it shows they are prepared for greater things in their life.
To contradict Barney Stinson, people only need lies when they haven't figured out themselves and their place in the world around them.
I think our great stories come when we're able to embrace the truth and find the beauty in what it has to offer.

Death Cookies

Death Cookie: a sweet compliment before a fatal blow

I've found that the majority of my relationships end with either myself or the guy delivering a death cookie.

My roommate uses 'death cookie' to describe that final conversation that goes a little like this:

I think you're a really incredible person. 

You're smart and funny and beautiful and an amazing girlfriend. 

I really admire that you know what you want and do what it takes to achieve those things. 

I love spending time around you and doing things with you. 

BUT..... I just don't think things are working out and that you're the person I'm supposed to be with forever.

In fact, it almost always goes EXACTLY like that.

Now when I hear the beginnings of a death cookie being delivered I just laugh because I can practically quote it with the sender.

I've been thinking a lot about death cookies this past week, trying to decide the place they hold and their importance in the role they play in relationships.

My primary question- Is it better to have a death cookie or to keep to your diet?

Death cookies can be a lot like real cookies. They're sweet and comforting but can leave you with a stomachache and a fair amount of calories that are going to take some time to work off.

So wouldn't it be better to abstain? Why listen to how amazing you are in their eyes, riding the momentum of everything wonderful you shared together, only to have it shattered moments later? Sure, it's a temporary treat but you pay the price once the consequences hit.

However, death cookies also offer closure. They're that last pint of Ben and Jerry's that holds your hand through the heartbreak of another failed relationship. They validate your worth and hand you the final piece to be able to walk away.

I think it's worth those emotional calories you'll have to work off later for a final, bitter-sweet goodbye.

An Imaginary 10

I've been stuck blog-wise lately. I have ideas that come and go but nothing I've been super passionate about. I have, however, been thinking a lot lately about what someone should expect for and in a long-term relationship whether that be dating or marriage.

My knowledge about what to expect comes from several different sources. 

There are the chick-flicks with stellar guys that, while they may have made a mistake, eventually come around and are portrayed as being wonderful from that point on.

There's the very Mormon view that encourages you to seek return missionaries who are temple worthy and always get their home teaching done. But wait, you also need to apply the Atonement and forgive anything and everything they've done wrong.

There's the U.S.'s perspective with divorce rates averaging out to a coin flip percentage that says hey, people are fake and uncommitted so don't expect too much. 

And then there's what I think. And hope. And pray.

I think-hope-pray that what I expect in my own relationships actually exists.

I think its reasonable to expect "to find a good guy, someone who is going to worship the ground that you walk on and want to spend every waking moment around you." A guy I really respect and admire told me that 3 years ago and that's what I expect from the men in my life that claim to care about me.

I've dated men who come so close to qualifying but never quite meet the mark I hold for them. They have what it takes, they really do, but time after time they strike out. 

I understand that people are not perfect and I can't expect perfection. I really don't think my aspirations for a spouse are unattainable and I am completely willing to give and take where needed because I realize I will never find exactly what I am looking for BUT--

At what point do I come to terms with the relationship needing to end?

Or should I?

Is it reasonable for me to expect more or am I setting my expectations too high and I've already found as good as it gets?

Am I just not willing to sacrifice enough and work harder?

Here's a cliche thought- the song Part of Your World from the Little Mermaid.. I listened to it today and thought wow, that's my world. I want to be part of a relationship that is so much more.

Ariel: "Maybe he's right. Maybe there is something the matter with me.
I just don't see how a [boy] that makes such wonderful things could be bad."

Look at this [boy]
Isn't [he] neat?
Wouldn't you think my [relationship]'s complete?

Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who has everything?
Look at [his bod']
Treasures untold
How many wonders can one [guy] hold?
Looking around here you think
Sure, she's got everything
I've got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty
I've got whozits and whatzits galore
You want thingamabobs?
I've got twenty!
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more

I'm not so much frustrated as I am wary. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I need a reality check to tell me that sometimes life is as good as it gets and I need to just accept that and get to work.

But what if there really is more and I'm too busy chasing the quaffle to believe in and see the snitch right in front of my face?

What if.

When I Grow Up

You'd think that 4 years of college would help you get at least a little bit serious about growing up but I had no intention of being a serious adult when I graduated college, let alone high school. 

I remember going to see the movie House Bunny with a few friends my first semester at ASU and the song "When I Grow Up" playing as the credits rolled with this chorus:

When I grow up

I wanna be famous

I wanna be a star

I wanna be in movies

When I grow up

I wanna see the world

Drive nice cars

I wanna have boobies

When I grow up

Be on TV

People know me

Be on magazines

When I grow up

Fresh and clean

Number one chick when I step out on the scene

I think at that point in my life that's what my mind envisioned the future holding. The idea of growing up and adulthood was unreal to me and still a thing of glamour and fun.

I hit a point in China when I realized I was done with galavanting through life nonchalantly and wanted to get established with a real job and grown-up life. I wanted to get in debt for buying a car and then struggle a little bit as I paid my way out of that hole. I wanted to have to go to work instead of waking up in the morning and randomly choosing my list of tasks for the day. I wanted to take relationships a little more seriously and not be desperately available.
And that's what I've done and I love it. (So far!)

BUT.. it's so very different than what I expected. My perception of adulthood has shifted from glamour to dull monotony to what I'm experiencing now.. FUN.
Rather than my entire life all smearing together there are now defined lines of work and play which has helped to create deeper meaning and enjoyment.

I love my life. 
I love my roommates who leave me sticky notes full of love on my door and are always up for some sort of party. 
I love having pool parties and movie nights and BBQs and people jumping out of cakes and Shamu and glow stick battles at my house.
I love my new group of friends that I still have so much to learn about but am enjoying being with for every step of progression.
I love my car that gets me where I want to go with an added air of pride.
I love my ward family that I get to grow with spiritually and socially. 
Etc....
Life's not perfect and many things are pretty much the same. When I got home from China my hair still bleached blonde and my skin still turned tan. (Thank goodness!) For the first time since I was in junior high I don't have a best friend which is scary and lonely and exciting all at the same time. I've discovered that fast food really just doesn't taste very good and I'd rather eat at home or save up for a nicer restaurant. I checked my credit score for the first time since I got a credit card last year and I aced it with a 753! And best of all-- I totaled up my own personal consumption of calories on my Ben and Jerry's tower and it comes to 28,000 calories in the past 5 years.

As I grow up all I want is to be happy.
And I am.
Life is great and I am so incredibly happy discovering this new chapter of my life.