A Perfect Match

Growing up there were two ducks that would visit my neighborhood every year or so.. just traveling around the city together. You wouldn't think you could learn about love from ducks but their companionship was one I always admired. 

"And that's what I want. Isn't that what everyone wants? Someone who likes you so much that you know they're genuinely interested in what you've spent the last hour rambling to them about. Someone who always goes the extra mile and doesn't hide that you mean everything to them. I want that. I miss that. I realize that even with that crazy love you still have to work for things. It's still not going to be easy but the point is that you both care about each other to not put yourself first for once and really put forth an effort."

I wrote this a while back in one of my journals and after rediscovering it today I felt it fit in perfectly with some things that have bothered me this week that I've been attempting to make sense of. I had a friend confide in me about a relationship with their significant other and the problematic situations that have popped up in its progression. Things they shared have made me wonder what precautions could have been taken in order to prevent such a scenario. 

I have a very strong belief in the need for similarity between two people in order to have compatibility.
compatible: "able to exist or occur together without conflict"
It's impossible to create a relationship in which conflict is entirely nonexistent but that doesn't mean that you can't come close.
Quite often, the more similar two people are, the more attracted they will be to one another and the better they'll get along.
This is due to a similarity in lifestyles, interests, perceptions..
And as minor as some things may seem, they have often proven to "make a mountain out of a molehill."

This past summer I learned about the need for attraction on 5 different levels for a successful relationship.

1. Physical:
There's a lot more to be said about physical attraction than most people realize. Yes, there's the obvious "I think he/she is handsome/beautiful" but it goes a lot deeper than that. We are often attracted to people physically as their health is similar to our own. If you are interested in sports, you will most likely find someone who is also active in sports physically attractive. There's also the idea that when finding a partner, you are attracted to physical characteristics similar to those of people you have looked up to in your life-- i.e. one of your parents. I've seen this example in a friend whose mother is brunette and largely due to that, he finds brunettes more attractive than women with other hair colors.

2. Mental:
People need to connect on an intellectual and personal level. As you develop relationships, it becomes quite apparent if the two of you are on the same wavelength mentally. I would say that mental attraction is the largest of the 5 levels of attraction. Mental attraction includes one's intelligence, interests, thought processes, perception of life, communication. . . . Attraction exists towards these topics when you feel that you can relate to someone-- i.e. share a similar level of intelligence, follow related interests, communicate effectively, discuss personal situations with a mutual understanding. . . . no one is attracted to someone who is so mentally opposite that both parties cannot share similar thoughts or ideas.

3. Emotional:
The 5 Love Languages appear to be an important aspect of being attracted to someone emotionally. "Speaking" someone's love language may not occur naturally and may take some time and awareness but it is important to have the connection in which a person provides for your individual emotional needs. This has a lot to do with someone being able to read your mood and after doing so, know how to react. We are attracted to those that we feel understand and connect with ourselves emotionally.

4. Spiritual:
I truly appreciate the idea of finding someone spiritually attractive. I can't even stress how important it is to find someone whose spirituality is in the same ballpark as your own. Spiritual compatibility is the frosting that is going to fill in all the gingerbread crumbles and it is essential to connect with someone who you can grow with spiritually. I've found that your spirituality is one of the greatest indicators of maturity and compatibility than any of these other 4 attractions.

5. Financial:

Finances.. one of the biggest conflicts in marriages. I've found that I am attracted to men who handle their finances similar to the way I handle my own. I was raised a frugal shopper with the view that thrift stores are my best friends but I also find value in sacrificing some extra money for things that I may care enough to save up for like traveling or a nice car. While this style of spending attracts me, going into debt or cutting off spending almost entirely is rather difficult to accept. Large variations in spending habits can add a large amount of stress to a relationship that requires a lot of sacrifice on both partners' parts to repair.

As outlined, an attraction on 5 levels is not perhaps necessary, but can provide effective in establishing a successful relationship.
We are attracted to those that are both similar and compatible, with added alterations that give each individual their own person and invite learning and interest in slight differences.
Core attraction and compatibility are what create the foundation to a successful marriage because those lifestyles and modes of understanding and functionality are already intact.

So how do you marry someone who isn't a DB? You break them down on 5 levels and compare your attraction and compatibility with one another.

Time With You

I've been thinking a lot this past week about why I spend time with certain people. 

Here's a few reasons that I've come up with after considering a few of my friendships:

*I enjoy comparing our views of the world.

With a couple of my friends, we spend a lot of time comparing several different perspectives from different backgrounds.. We've lived our lives in such completely different ways that each of us has something new and interesting to share with the other. This ranges from religious ideas to relationship advice to nerdy science topics. I love spending time with them because I enjoy learning perspectives other than my own.

*I like the person I am with them.

I'm one of those people that has a slightly different personality depending on who I'm with.
With some people I'm more outgoing and social or more willing to try something out of my comfort zone. With others I am more likely to throw out sassy comments or become a little more snobby.
With one of my friends especially, I like the person I am. I'm kind and funny and happy and aware of a lot more than my own happiness.

*I connect with them on a deeply personal level.
There are the friends you have a good relationship with but there are the few who you're able to have serious deep and personal conversations with. I like having someone in my life who I know understands my thoughts and I can trust to give me honest and valid feedback.

*They tell me if I'm a fat cow
Most of the time I enjoy going shopping on my own but every once in a while I enjoy taking someone with me who is familiar with my financial habits and will tell me if an item of clothing looks good on me or not. It's nice to have a second opinion on how a color looks on you or a judgment call on whether something's worth the price.

*I can be superficial.
Sometimes its nice to jump back to my high school self. It's nice to talk like a teenager and be entirely carefree and irresponsible. I like having that option with friends every once in a while.

*I feel loved.
There are those friends out there that give you a hug and your whole world is suddenly better. The ones who you know genuinely care about you no matter how ridiculous you are. I like being able to turn to them for that affirmation.

I love spending time with different people for different reasons.
They fulfill different aspects of my life.
It's interesting to see why each person is important enough to warrant my attention.

Plays: 100+

I'm one of those people who has a difficult time listening to an entire song. Yes, the annoying one who switches songs 2 minutes in. I'm trying to cure this with Pandora and I think it might be helping a little bit. 

The thing is, there are a few playlists and songs especially that I love playing on repeat over and over and over again. I was thinking about those songs today and was wondering what they say about me. Here are my thoughts-

Coming in first with 841 plays on my iTunes: 

Latika's Theme- Slumdog Millionaire

I am obviously obsessed with this song. One reason it has so many plays is because I used to listen to it as an attempt to fall asleep. To me, it is the absolute perfect love song. Listening to it, I connect with the dreams it embodies and feel hopeful. It's just one of those songs that each time I listen to it, I seem to fall in love with the idea of love all over again.

Smile- Uncle Kracker

I've written about this song before and its one of those songs that I play because I've connected it with someone in my life. It is guaranteed to make my day a little bit better because it reminds me of the happiness I have found due to them. 

I Think I'm Paranoid- Garbage

I don't play this as much anymore but its a song I used to connect to on a very personal level. 

Here are a few of the lyrics--

You can look, but you can't touch
I don't think I like you much
Heaven knows what a girl can do
Heaven knows what you've got to prove

I think I'm paranoid
And complicated
I think I'm paranoid
Manipulate it

Bend me, break me
Anyway you need me
All I want is you
Bend me, break me
Breaking down is easy
All I want is you

I fall down just to give you a thrill
Prop me up with another pill
If I should fail, if I should fold
I nailed my faith to the sticking pole

Steal me, deal me, anyway you heal me
Maim me, tame me, you can never change me
Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me
Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me 

This song was popular in my life when I used to be this girl-- a sexy mess of manipulation. The story of someone who fed off of being irresistibly desired but still completely alone because she pushed everyone away. I would listen to this, disappointed in the person I had become, but not willing to let go.

May I- Trading Yesterday

This song iterates something I want more than anything else in the world-- 

May I hold you
as you fall to sleep,
when the world is closing in
and you can't breathe.
May I love you.
May I be your shield.
When no one can be found
may I lay you down.

All I want is to keep you safe from the cold...
to give you all that your heart needs the most. 

It's the fairytale that I dream about every single day.. both to have this song directed towards me and also to have someone in my life who I feel this way about. 

I'll Be- Edwin McCain

I'm genuinely surprised this is as far down on my list as 5th. This is another song I associate with someone and fall in love with every time I listen to it. My favorite lines are:

"And rain falls angry on the tin roof as we lie awake in my bed. And you're my survival, you're my living proof, my love is alive and not dead."

It takes me back to a moment in my life when both myself and a guy I love could say we finally figured out what it meant to love someone.

So........ what does all of this say about me? It's said that you can tell a lot about a girl from her favorite songs. 

There are a few reoccurring topics-- love, being genuine, making things personal..

I suppose I am flooding my mind with the things I really want-

I want someone in my life who I fall in love with every single day.

Who makes me smile.

Who I can spend time with and simply be me.

Who I'll let be part of my life.

Who will genuinely love me.

Who proves the existence of a very real love.

Or so my music selection tells me..

Grrrrrrl POWER

Over the decades various women empowerment movements have taken place--

one of the latest being "Girl Power" which especially shined through the late 90's and early 2000's.

Girl Power:

"Power exercised by girls; spec. a self-reliant attitude among girls and young women manifested in ambition, assertiveness, and individualism."

Thank you Wikipedia.

Girl power.. personal strength to be brilliant. 

But is it?

The first image that pops into my mind when I think of a woman with "Girl Power" is a female lawyer who has just won a case.

But.. she's a hott lawyer. 

You see.. a woman who is intelligent and confidant and assertive is also, in my mind, sexy.

Who pictures a boring, ugly or average woman?

No one.

So you see, there's this sexiness that has been tied into the idea of Girl Power.

And it has become extreme to the point that it has taken over.

Compare these two girls. The first is what I tend to imagine as a proper image for Girl Power-- a girl who is comfortable with her body and image and is educated.

The second is what I have become aware of Girl Power to be-- this sex image of confidence.

K so where are all these thoughts coming from? 

They're actually from a video I watched for my Women and Sexuality class called Sexy Inc.- Our Children Under the Influence

A main point in the video was that:

Society has been "pornified."

You see, "[Girls] are absolutely overwhelmed by a desire to be seductive"

The thing is.. it's not about the sex! Let's be honest.. girls don't have to (or usually want to) beg for sex.

It's all about this image you create by being and looking sexy.

There is a power gained by being sexy.. untouchable.. dangerous.

But really, "What all these girls want is to be respected, to be happy, to be loved. But they don't know how. They say, "But Miss, everyone treats us like that!"

"Relationships have become super sexual because no one has been taught to do anything else." The world of quaint courtships in musicals is rapidly disappearing-- even simple relationship steps like talking on phone or holding hands is losing interest. 

Relationships start off sexual and it only gets more intense from there.

 "They have no reference points. Everything is blurred."

"We're telling girls that being sexy is the only power you have."

I have a memory of my 8th grade male English teacher telling our class that girls can be 

"either beautiful or smart"

not both.

I don't even know if it is a real memory but its something that comes to mind fairly often that I've spent quite a bit of time pondering over. 

And in a way, I agree with him.

A girl can either be focused on being sexy or she can be focused on being smart. 

They're not two things that are naturally formed together.

"The real damage to girls is that they're over investing in image rather than their real interests and developing unique identities"

This sexualization is being spread to all ages. Young and old. Yes, there seems to be a point in almost every girl's life that she leans more towards a sexy appearance and nature in order to receive attention and feel power, but there's just a point when too young is simply TOO YOUNG.

Welcome to Toddlers and Tiaras.

"I am absolutely appalled to see that we are stealing childhood away from children, by pushing them to become miniature adults by dressing them like adults and making them experience emotions that at that age they're simply not capable of dealing with"

Here's a perfect example of Girl Power in its pornified form: Pussycat Dolls. They're hott. They have sexual power whether it is for the purpose of feeling attractive or to feel empowered over men or to get attention.... 

Britney Spears.. Everyone's favorite example for horrible. Well.. check out some of the lyrics for her song Slave 4 U:

What's practical is logical. What the hell, who cares?
All I know is I'm so happy when you're dancing there.

I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it, I cannot control it.
I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it, I'm not trying to hide it.

Baby, don't you want to, dance upon me,
(I just want to dance next to you)
To another time and place.
Baby, don't you want to, dance upon me,
(Are you ready)
Leaving behind my name, my age.
(Lets go)

(Like that)
(You like it)
(Now watch me)

Get it get it, get it get it (Whoa)
Get it get it, get it get it (Whoa)
Get it get it, get it get it (Oh)

Or even Avril Lavigne- the image of a rebel with her hits Sk8r Boi and Complicated who took upon her this sexualized blonde image and now she's become what she despised


You’re so fine
I want you mine
You’re so delicious
I think about you all the time
You’re so addictive
Don’t you know what I could do to make you feel alright (alright, alright, alright)?


I can see the way, I see the way you look at me
And even when you look away I know you think of me
I know you talk about me all the time again and again (again, again, again)
So come over here, tell me what I want to hear


In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
'cause I can, 'cause I can do it better

There is this blaring statement that in order for a girl to be noticed.. to be respected.. to be attractive.. they have to be sexy whether that is something that a girl truly wants to be or not.

It's disgusting.. this demand for sex. It's not just something seen in toddlers or teenagers either.. 

I have friends who even now well into their mid 20's are begging for a way out of this demanding social expectation. 

But hey, it's true.. how easy is it to go change into a short skirt and stilettos and suddenly have the world at your fingertips?

And the thing is, it works.

Not in the long run, but in a society so completely based on instant satisfaction and demand... 

It works just fine.

Internal Explosion.

There are moments in life when you wish to simply stop and let go. 

Moments when your system is so overloaded on pain and stress and confusion and hurt that you react in a way different than you would in a more average situation.

This happened to me tonight. 

I did something so incredibly stupid and the results were traumatic enough that I reacted in a way entirely unforeseen by myself.

I practically exploded. 

My mind simply could not handle the situation which resulted in a non-stop stream of disbelief pouring from my mouth.

Which is not at all what I expected.

I sought out a specific person for a hug-- something to hold my breaking pieces together.

That was the plan.. to hold myself together long enough to reach them where I was then allowed to fall apart. 

Fall apart where I was safe.

But when that time came, I couldn't do it. 

As much as I felt I needed that display of love, I could not allow myself to follow such action.

I couldn't let the world see how much I was hurting and quickly changed my experience from a traumatic reality to a dramatic story. 

And I faked it. 

I smiled and laughed at my own stupidity because leaving myself susceptible to the truth and the potential dangers it possesses are beyond my strengths at the moment.

But there are always the nightmares to subdue the pain.

With their arms wide open.

My Favorite Day of the Week

As entirely exhausted as I am, I can't seem to sleep so here I am once again blogging in the middle of the night.
It's been a long time since I've written about a day in the life of Amanda but I feel like doing so now.
This will include bits and pieces of my day on Monday along with random little spiels.

To start off, I decided that Monday is now my favorite day of the week-- opposite of what everyone else seems to think.
I used to love Fridays because that was the one night a week I felt entirely unobligated (I know that's not a work) to get work done. Now... I rather despise them. Fridays have become a crazy day in which I'm trying to catch up on all the things I didn't get done during the week or am stuck in boring meetings in which I'm either making fun of the speakers in my head or planning something completely irrelevant.

But Mondays are absolutely fantastic.
Why?
Well, on Mondays I most likely just woke up from a restful Sunday ended with a late game night. I am allowed to sleep in as late as I want and can show up for work whenever I feel like.. if ever. I don't have any homework due because it all has to be submitted the night before at 11:59. I have FHE to look forward to that night when I actually get to see and talk to people.
Over all, its just a fantastically carefree day.
Also, everyone else is too busy and frantic with their Monday stuff so I never have to worry about them bothering me.

So.... my Monday in detail:

My alarm went off at 9am just like it does every morning but hey it was Monday so I didn't make it out of bed until 9:24. 

I love blasting the radio in the morning (actually, I love music pretty much ALL the time.) and I was fortunate enough to actually hear music playing instead of idiots talking.

Song: I'm Bringing Sexy Back. 

A couple minutes later of me dancing ridiculously around my room resulted in the stray cat I let sleep with me standing at my sliding door with frantic eyes- ready to get as far away from me as possible.

I was already rather cold (another reason to not get out of bed) so the lack of warm water for my shower was rather disheartening. 

Needless to say, I did not shave.

Boys-- if you don't understand this, imagine shaving with goosebumps. It's rather painful.

I've been far too lazy lately to even blow dry my hair or wear makeup or anything nicer than a t-shirt and jeans so it really didn't take too long to get out the door to work. 

Once I got to ASU I indulged myself with a fresh bagel from Einsteins with stenchy cream cheese because hey, no one I associate with anymore is going to get close enough to smell me.

My work consisted of a couple hours worth of editing labels I made a month ago that I finally got my boss to sit down and look at with me last week. They're all printed out now and just need to be cut and folded and then I can be done with my stupid paleontology display case that I love so darn much.

I ditched work early to go volunteer at my church's cannery where we were canning salsa. I got to wear a suuuuper sexy hair net and place glass jars on a turn table. It was actually quite fascinating. I've never been to the cannery before because I was never old enough and once I was I just volunteered other places instead so when they asked for a volunteer at church I took the open invitation. 

We were released a couple hours early so I figured I would just go back to ASU and finish up my labels but when I checked my phone I had a voicemail waiting from my friend asking if I wanted him and a couple of his roommates to move my piano. 

YES.

Yes I did. 

It took about 15 minutes. They threw the piano in the back of a truck, drove it to my house, and carried it in the living room. Done.

And I cannot even tell you how absolutely excited I am to have it.

I have missed musical instruments in my life so much. 

And now I can learn how to play properly again.

Once my living room was rearranged (again- I quite like moving furniture around.) I forced myself to eat some salad like a girl and then ate pasta because let's face it-- there is no way I am going to survive off of salad. 

Then I drove back to ASU. Again. 

I drive on autopilot mode to both ASU and Bahama Bucks. I swear that I have guardian angels that protect me (and others) while driving because I am absolutely not in any way paying attention. 

Once there, I chit chatted with my new closest friend about how much I love science and how little I know about geology and how much she absolutely loathes physics.

Then we grabbed our rackets and played tennis at the SRC for a couple hours with two other girls we work with. 

And I loved it.

I loved that for the first hour while I was still focused, I was focused on the ball with mathematical equations related to it running through my head.

I love the way girls' hair swishes with you hit the ball. So super sexy.

The only time I remember playing tennis is one day in junior high P.E. 

Which I don't really count.

I've had this mental block for years that I didn't like sports. 

That I don't like tennis.

Or volleyball.

Or a lot of other sports.

But I gave it a shot and it turned out that I really do enjoy them. 

The only sport I really ever learned to play was baseball because my next door neighbor and I used to play with each other but I've never been taught any other sport because it simply wasn't important in my family's life.

Other things were supported and stressed in my life- academics and music.

But never ever sports.

I tried out for a few sports in school but I always ended up dropping out because I never had any support in them. I always felt like I was making a poor choice when I wanted to play a sport instead of orchestra or choir or taking an engineering class at MCC at night. 

So I just never did.

I ended off the night with a new episode from my absolute favorite TV show- Castle. 

I have an intense love for this duo and as depressing as this may sound, Castle is a highlight in my week.

When it ended I was too tired and lazy to reach the remote 3 feet away (total 1st world problem) so I just laid there for half an hour trying to make myself go to bed and then eventually stumbled straight into bed for a good nights sleep filled with the same haunting dreams as occur every night but this time with a new addition.

I love Mondays.

Revenge vs. Ice Cream- which is the sweeter treat?

It has never ceased to amaze me just how many various ways girls seek for reimbursement when it comes to boys. 

When a girl is frustrated or feels inadequate or cheated in relation to boys, she seeks for something to balance the scales.

This may include an "I hate boys" night-- in which you may get a big piece of cardboard and fill one side with the things you love and the other side with things you hate. Then proceed to draw a target on the "hate" side and then give it hell with a few arrows. 

Not that we've ever done that..

It may include an intensive depression spree filled with $20 worth of junk food (or much more depending on the length of depression.)

Start this clip at 2:42 to get a glimpse into just how disgusting this sort of thing can become.

The thing with these sorts of things though is that they're internal. For some stupid reason, you're validating the "need" to be pathetic and are taking full advantage of said crime. You can hold grudges and mutter curses and stop showering and sleeping properly and put on 10 pounds of ice cream fat but really, those things are just destroying yourself.

But then girls take it to the next notch.

They make it their goal in life to make the poor boy miserable.

As he should be.

(or so I'm told)

I can't even tell you how many times I've had someone support me in very clearly making a boy pay for the pain he has caused you. 

My guess is that most of the time he doesn't notice and even he does notice, I doubt he cares.

It's often the stupidest things like not texting him back. Yeah... that will teach him. I bet that poor sap who just turned you down is practically in tears because you just did exactly what he has been indicating he would appreciate from you. The silence is probably more of a gift than a punishment.

Funny thing is, it rarely gets more serious than that. Sure, we plot evil schemes to egg your house but does anyone actually ever do that? Not unless you're truly psychotic like in Obsessed but most of the time a pint of Ben and Jerry's sounds a lot more appealing. 

I'm just oddly fascinated by this stress put on "punishing" boys. It's taught and supported by girls-- that they need to pay for what they've done and that a girl should drop cruel hints until he understands the pain he has caused in your life. 

How does it even make sense to shut down and be unresponsive as a way to get back at him and make him suffer for what is no longer available to him?

There's gotta be something better to focus your time and efforts on..