Spontaneity

Last week I ended up watching some really.... interesting shows in the middle of the night. A telenovela, the Office, a dating show... Truly.. middle of the night shows but there was very much a reoccurring theme, especially in the weirdo dating show--

SPONTANEITY

That was the catchphrase: "I am spontaneous!" and don't you just love me because of that??

So that got me a thinkin' 

Why is spontaneity so fan-freakin-tastic? 

Here's what I've decided--

Most people expect the worst from people

We have come to accept the frequent occurrence of disappointment and it becomes natural to not expect what we once hoped to be standard

Often when someone is spontaneous, they rise to the standard that we had fearfully given up hope for. 

And who wouldn't love being pleasantly surprised by a spontaneous decision when we expect so little from them?

It is not necessarily the spontaneity itself that peaks our interest in someone-

it is them giving us a little bit of hope that we may not always expect the worst.

How Do I Love Thee?

Let me count the ways.


I'm not really talking about an always-on-my-mind, instantly-spot-them-in-a-crowd, can't-stop-smiling kind of love.

Love-- a genuine love. A pure love. An unconquerable love.

Love for friends. Love for family. Love for companions.

I've spent a great deal of time the past couple weeks pondering on the idea of expressed love.
It started with comparing.
I took two people in my life and was easily able to label (lol that rhymes) which one I loved and which one I liked, but did not love.

But then came the question-- How do I love thee? In what ways am I different towards those I love?
What are the indicators that I love someone?

I stumbled upon this video clip and have found it to be a perfect lead into my thoughts:

Here are a few of the ways I have come to realize I truly love and care about someone:
(in no particular order)

1. Kindness- I'm a jerk.. I'm not entirely sure when this started because I used to be a real sweetie pie but I've noticed an increased occurrence of cruel comments coming out of my mouth. My best guess is that sarcasm is my answer for displaying a hatred I've been harboring. However, when I am around those I truly love, that hatred is gone. It's a combination of the idea of hurting someone I care about as absolutely appalling along with a happiness replacing former hatred within myself.
I am genuinely kind to those I love.

2. Patience- I'm getting better at it, but I am not notorious for being patient. I'm used to getting my way and am arrogant enough to believe that I have the power to manipulate situations to turn out how I want. I've discovered that for those I love, I am entirely willing to wait. This patience takes a certain power out of my own hands and entrusts it in the love I have for someone.

3. Selflessness- How often are is our focus on me me me? Our society actively teaches this principle. There's a point you reach in a relationship with anyone in which suddenly, your world doesn't revolve around yourself anymore but rather prioritizes by filling another's needs first. This sign of love occurred to me the other day when I had plans that were really important to me which I was suddenly ready to walk away from to spend time with a friend instead.

4. Respect- for another's body, their choices. their opinions... Complete respect-- not just a standardized acceptance or indifference. Respect shows that you value someone or something. If I respect you I hold you in high esteem and take you seriously. I love you enough to not make a mockery out of you.

5. Gratitude- I've found an intense gratitude for the ones I love. The love I have for them has allowed me to accept expressions of love from them whether it is time or a compliment or etc... I can't even express how grateful I am to have them in my life and for all that they have done for me. They're the ones who I thank God every day for placing in my life.

6. Questions- Oh how I love this form of love! I love the people I ask questions-- it shows that I want to not only have a general idea of who you are but also understand your personal motivations and interests. Most people enjoy sharing information about themselves and I love finding someone who I am eager to listen to for hours on end. Accept it-- the people you have to force yourself to ask questions are not the ones you love.

7. Absence- when there exists a literal pain at the idea of someone not being in your life. Someone who if they left your life you would become a 'whirling dervish of reckless abandonment'. Those are the people you love so deeply you'll never let go. They have found a deep and irreplaceable location in your soul and mean everything to you.

8. Fault Test- I'm discovering this idea is more common than I thought. A fault test is performed naturally without any conscious thought. For those you love, you love all of them. While you may not appreciate every last thing they do, those things are insignificant and don't cause you too much stress. For those you don't love nearly as much, you quickly come up with the most ridiculous list of reasons you are irrationally irritated by someone. Whether this sources from something more serious like a blatant disregard for acting mature or something entirely pointless like the kind of shoes they wear, it is a barricade in your relationship that will take time and work if it is to be conquered.

9. Inspire- We find love with the people who silently inspire us to be everything we've ever wanted to be. When I am around the people I love I find motivation to set goals and be the person I've always dreamed I was possible. It's more than wanting to please them-- around those we love we find a pure, beautiful joy that makes us see the best in ourselves and others.

The ultimate goal is to reach a perfected love--
a Christlike love
an unconditional love

It's not easy..
Luckily we have so many people around us that we love who we can learn to reach that point with.
Whether it is something that you can discover automatically with a person
or
if it is something that you must always work to acquire..

I'm not really sure.

We love-- in so many ways.

We love naturally and we love as a decision.

How do YOU love?
Please comment below :)

I Cain't Say No

Listen to the lyrics in this song-- they may be cute in the musical but let's be serious... 

It's a real problem.

"I cain't say no"

I can't even list how many times this phrase has been the source of complicated relationships and wasted time. 

To make sure we're on the same page.. I'm talking about relationships being formed for the wrong reasons-- you start a relationship because someone is interested in you and gives you that undivided attention or you are uncomfortable with the idea of being single so you take the first person who comes along. 

A lot of people do this!

Why? 

Well who wants to be alone? Who doesn't want someone who thinks you're positively amazing and wants to be there for you? Who doesn't want someone to confide in and share experiences with?

I found a chart describing a couple different types of people in relation to relationships and was especially interested in the Love Addict/Avoidant section in relation to this post. 

I see myself in both of these roles- especially as the avoidant. 

The behavior line that really gets me is, "Ambivalence all the way through may be in relationship because can't say no"

A relationship is something you want to be sure of. 

Not a constant game of uncertainty.

I've been there-- I've spent months of my life in relationships that I was never certain about. 

But I was in them because I liked the attention. I liked having someone love me. I liked having a best friend to spend half the night talking to on the phone. I liked holding hands and a nice make out session every once in a while. 

But I didn't love it because in those relationships I could never truly say that it was all that I wanted.

Then one day it all clicked in my mind what I was doing and just how unfair I was being so I finally made a decision and I walked away. And I felt nothing. I couldn't believe I could be so heartless. So uncaring. That I could spend months with someone and then simply let go was disheartening. 

But it was the right thing to do.

I later got my life in order and then realized that I did indeed care and that I was finally ready to love.

I don't regret the decision I made-- it allowed me to make a more important decision.

By saying no I was able to look at the situation clearly and figure out what really mattered to me.

So why is it that we go along with these relationships and let things simply happen without ever making a decision?

What prevents us from being decisive?

1. Fear-- we are afraid.

-We're afraid of hurting their feelings or disappointing them because as much as we can't say we love them as a romantic companion, we still love them enough to not want to cause that pain.

-We're afraid of cutting off that relationship entirely. How scary is it to lose your best friend? Face it-- the person you date is your best friend. They're the person you spend all your time with. They're the person you share personal information with. They're the person you are most vulnerable to. And even if you can't say you love them, you still do.

-We're afraid of misunderstanding. That your entire history with that person will suddenly unravel with no way to keep the threads aligned. 

-Even before a relationship is started, we're afraid of missing out.

But most importantly, 

We're afraid of ourselves. 

We lack personal respect. We lack the confidence that we deserve better than an instant fix. That if we are patient we will actually have someone waiting for us.

Isn't that what our world is about? Snatch up an opportunity while it is available! Take whatever you can get because you never know when you might get another chance.

I found a statement in an article titled How To Say No To Others that put a lot of things into perspective: 

"When you say yes to something you don’t enjoy, you say no to things that you love"

We limit ourselves! We are so pathetically needy and doubtful of our own potential that we instantly say "yes" because its easier and automatic

But what if we had the cojones to say "no"

?

It takes bravery and trust but think of the outcome.

We just might actually find something or someone we love.

100%

I do have a disclaimer though:

When making the choice of whether to say "yes" or "no" you have to make sure that you are not cutting off a potential that you can't see

Maybe make it conditional--

I said no and then realized down the road the immense potential I had just walked away from.

So just... pay attention.

And smile.

Because smiling makes you happy.

And isn't that what it's all about?

A Perfect Match

Growing up there were two ducks that would visit my neighborhood every year or so.. just traveling around the city together. You wouldn't think you could learn about love from ducks but their companionship was one I always admired. 

"And that's what I want. Isn't that what everyone wants? Someone who likes you so much that you know they're genuinely interested in what you've spent the last hour rambling to them about. Someone who always goes the extra mile and doesn't hide that you mean everything to them. I want that. I miss that. I realize that even with that crazy love you still have to work for things. It's still not going to be easy but the point is that you both care about each other to not put yourself first for once and really put forth an effort."

I wrote this a while back in one of my journals and after rediscovering it today I felt it fit in perfectly with some things that have bothered me this week that I've been attempting to make sense of. I had a friend confide in me about a relationship with their significant other and the problematic situations that have popped up in its progression. Things they shared have made me wonder what precautions could have been taken in order to prevent such a scenario. 

I have a very strong belief in the need for similarity between two people in order to have compatibility.
compatible: "able to exist or occur together without conflict"
It's impossible to create a relationship in which conflict is entirely nonexistent but that doesn't mean that you can't come close.
Quite often, the more similar two people are, the more attracted they will be to one another and the better they'll get along.
This is due to a similarity in lifestyles, interests, perceptions..
And as minor as some things may seem, they have often proven to "make a mountain out of a molehill."

This past summer I learned about the need for attraction on 5 different levels for a successful relationship.

1. Physical:
There's a lot more to be said about physical attraction than most people realize. Yes, there's the obvious "I think he/she is handsome/beautiful" but it goes a lot deeper than that. We are often attracted to people physically as their health is similar to our own. If you are interested in sports, you will most likely find someone who is also active in sports physically attractive. There's also the idea that when finding a partner, you are attracted to physical characteristics similar to those of people you have looked up to in your life-- i.e. one of your parents. I've seen this example in a friend whose mother is brunette and largely due to that, he finds brunettes more attractive than women with other hair colors.

2. Mental:
People need to connect on an intellectual and personal level. As you develop relationships, it becomes quite apparent if the two of you are on the same wavelength mentally. I would say that mental attraction is the largest of the 5 levels of attraction. Mental attraction includes one's intelligence, interests, thought processes, perception of life, communication. . . . Attraction exists towards these topics when you feel that you can relate to someone-- i.e. share a similar level of intelligence, follow related interests, communicate effectively, discuss personal situations with a mutual understanding. . . . no one is attracted to someone who is so mentally opposite that both parties cannot share similar thoughts or ideas.

3. Emotional:
The 5 Love Languages appear to be an important aspect of being attracted to someone emotionally. "Speaking" someone's love language may not occur naturally and may take some time and awareness but it is important to have the connection in which a person provides for your individual emotional needs. This has a lot to do with someone being able to read your mood and after doing so, know how to react. We are attracted to those that we feel understand and connect with ourselves emotionally.

4. Spiritual:
I truly appreciate the idea of finding someone spiritually attractive. I can't even stress how important it is to find someone whose spirituality is in the same ballpark as your own. Spiritual compatibility is the frosting that is going to fill in all the gingerbread crumbles and it is essential to connect with someone who you can grow with spiritually. I've found that your spirituality is one of the greatest indicators of maturity and compatibility than any of these other 4 attractions.

5. Financial:

Finances.. one of the biggest conflicts in marriages. I've found that I am attracted to men who handle their finances similar to the way I handle my own. I was raised a frugal shopper with the view that thrift stores are my best friends but I also find value in sacrificing some extra money for things that I may care enough to save up for like traveling or a nice car. While this style of spending attracts me, going into debt or cutting off spending almost entirely is rather difficult to accept. Large variations in spending habits can add a large amount of stress to a relationship that requires a lot of sacrifice on both partners' parts to repair.

As outlined, an attraction on 5 levels is not perhaps necessary, but can provide effective in establishing a successful relationship.
We are attracted to those that are both similar and compatible, with added alterations that give each individual their own person and invite learning and interest in slight differences.
Core attraction and compatibility are what create the foundation to a successful marriage because those lifestyles and modes of understanding and functionality are already intact.

So how do you marry someone who isn't a DB? You break them down on 5 levels and compare your attraction and compatibility with one another.

Time With You

I've been thinking a lot this past week about why I spend time with certain people. 

Here's a few reasons that I've come up with after considering a few of my friendships:

*I enjoy comparing our views of the world.

With a couple of my friends, we spend a lot of time comparing several different perspectives from different backgrounds.. We've lived our lives in such completely different ways that each of us has something new and interesting to share with the other. This ranges from religious ideas to relationship advice to nerdy science topics. I love spending time with them because I enjoy learning perspectives other than my own.

*I like the person I am with them.

I'm one of those people that has a slightly different personality depending on who I'm with.
With some people I'm more outgoing and social or more willing to try something out of my comfort zone. With others I am more likely to throw out sassy comments or become a little more snobby.
With one of my friends especially, I like the person I am. I'm kind and funny and happy and aware of a lot more than my own happiness.

*I connect with them on a deeply personal level.
There are the friends you have a good relationship with but there are the few who you're able to have serious deep and personal conversations with. I like having someone in my life who I know understands my thoughts and I can trust to give me honest and valid feedback.

*They tell me if I'm a fat cow
Most of the time I enjoy going shopping on my own but every once in a while I enjoy taking someone with me who is familiar with my financial habits and will tell me if an item of clothing looks good on me or not. It's nice to have a second opinion on how a color looks on you or a judgment call on whether something's worth the price.

*I can be superficial.
Sometimes its nice to jump back to my high school self. It's nice to talk like a teenager and be entirely carefree and irresponsible. I like having that option with friends every once in a while.

*I feel loved.
There are those friends out there that give you a hug and your whole world is suddenly better. The ones who you know genuinely care about you no matter how ridiculous you are. I like being able to turn to them for that affirmation.

I love spending time with different people for different reasons.
They fulfill different aspects of my life.
It's interesting to see why each person is important enough to warrant my attention.

Plays: 100+

I'm one of those people who has a difficult time listening to an entire song. Yes, the annoying one who switches songs 2 minutes in. I'm trying to cure this with Pandora and I think it might be helping a little bit. 

The thing is, there are a few playlists and songs especially that I love playing on repeat over and over and over again. I was thinking about those songs today and was wondering what they say about me. Here are my thoughts-

Coming in first with 841 plays on my iTunes: 

Latika's Theme- Slumdog Millionaire

I am obviously obsessed with this song. One reason it has so many plays is because I used to listen to it as an attempt to fall asleep. To me, it is the absolute perfect love song. Listening to it, I connect with the dreams it embodies and feel hopeful. It's just one of those songs that each time I listen to it, I seem to fall in love with the idea of love all over again.

Smile- Uncle Kracker

I've written about this song before and its one of those songs that I play because I've connected it with someone in my life. It is guaranteed to make my day a little bit better because it reminds me of the happiness I have found due to them. 

I Think I'm Paranoid- Garbage

I don't play this as much anymore but its a song I used to connect to on a very personal level. 

Here are a few of the lyrics--

You can look, but you can't touch
I don't think I like you much
Heaven knows what a girl can do
Heaven knows what you've got to prove

I think I'm paranoid
And complicated
I think I'm paranoid
Manipulate it

Bend me, break me
Anyway you need me
All I want is you
Bend me, break me
Breaking down is easy
All I want is you

I fall down just to give you a thrill
Prop me up with another pill
If I should fail, if I should fold
I nailed my faith to the sticking pole

Steal me, deal me, anyway you heal me
Maim me, tame me, you can never change me
Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me
Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me 

This song was popular in my life when I used to be this girl-- a sexy mess of manipulation. The story of someone who fed off of being irresistibly desired but still completely alone because she pushed everyone away. I would listen to this, disappointed in the person I had become, but not willing to let go.

May I- Trading Yesterday

This song iterates something I want more than anything else in the world-- 

May I hold you
as you fall to sleep,
when the world is closing in
and you can't breathe.
May I love you.
May I be your shield.
When no one can be found
may I lay you down.

All I want is to keep you safe from the cold...
to give you all that your heart needs the most. 

It's the fairytale that I dream about every single day.. both to have this song directed towards me and also to have someone in my life who I feel this way about. 

I'll Be- Edwin McCain

I'm genuinely surprised this is as far down on my list as 5th. This is another song I associate with someone and fall in love with every time I listen to it. My favorite lines are:

"And rain falls angry on the tin roof as we lie awake in my bed. And you're my survival, you're my living proof, my love is alive and not dead."

It takes me back to a moment in my life when both myself and a guy I love could say we finally figured out what it meant to love someone.

So........ what does all of this say about me? It's said that you can tell a lot about a girl from her favorite songs. 

There are a few reoccurring topics-- love, being genuine, making things personal..

I suppose I am flooding my mind with the things I really want-

I want someone in my life who I fall in love with every single day.

Who makes me smile.

Who I can spend time with and simply be me.

Who I'll let be part of my life.

Who will genuinely love me.

Who proves the existence of a very real love.

Or so my music selection tells me..

Grrrrrrl POWER

Over the decades various women empowerment movements have taken place--

one of the latest being "Girl Power" which especially shined through the late 90's and early 2000's.

Girl Power:

"Power exercised by girls; spec. a self-reliant attitude among girls and young women manifested in ambition, assertiveness, and individualism."

Thank you Wikipedia.

Girl power.. personal strength to be brilliant. 

But is it?

The first image that pops into my mind when I think of a woman with "Girl Power" is a female lawyer who has just won a case.

But.. she's a hott lawyer. 

You see.. a woman who is intelligent and confidant and assertive is also, in my mind, sexy.

Who pictures a boring, ugly or average woman?

No one.

So you see, there's this sexiness that has been tied into the idea of Girl Power.

And it has become extreme to the point that it has taken over.

Compare these two girls. The first is what I tend to imagine as a proper image for Girl Power-- a girl who is comfortable with her body and image and is educated.

The second is what I have become aware of Girl Power to be-- this sex image of confidence.

K so where are all these thoughts coming from? 

They're actually from a video I watched for my Women and Sexuality class called Sexy Inc.- Our Children Under the Influence

A main point in the video was that:

Society has been "pornified."

You see, "[Girls] are absolutely overwhelmed by a desire to be seductive"

The thing is.. it's not about the sex! Let's be honest.. girls don't have to (or usually want to) beg for sex.

It's all about this image you create by being and looking sexy.

There is a power gained by being sexy.. untouchable.. dangerous.

But really, "What all these girls want is to be respected, to be happy, to be loved. But they don't know how. They say, "But Miss, everyone treats us like that!"

"Relationships have become super sexual because no one has been taught to do anything else." The world of quaint courtships in musicals is rapidly disappearing-- even simple relationship steps like talking on phone or holding hands is losing interest. 

Relationships start off sexual and it only gets more intense from there.

 "They have no reference points. Everything is blurred."

"We're telling girls that being sexy is the only power you have."

I have a memory of my 8th grade male English teacher telling our class that girls can be 

"either beautiful or smart"

not both.

I don't even know if it is a real memory but its something that comes to mind fairly often that I've spent quite a bit of time pondering over. 

And in a way, I agree with him.

A girl can either be focused on being sexy or she can be focused on being smart. 

They're not two things that are naturally formed together.

"The real damage to girls is that they're over investing in image rather than their real interests and developing unique identities"

This sexualization is being spread to all ages. Young and old. Yes, there seems to be a point in almost every girl's life that she leans more towards a sexy appearance and nature in order to receive attention and feel power, but there's just a point when too young is simply TOO YOUNG.

Welcome to Toddlers and Tiaras.

"I am absolutely appalled to see that we are stealing childhood away from children, by pushing them to become miniature adults by dressing them like adults and making them experience emotions that at that age they're simply not capable of dealing with"

Here's a perfect example of Girl Power in its pornified form: Pussycat Dolls. They're hott. They have sexual power whether it is for the purpose of feeling attractive or to feel empowered over men or to get attention.... 

Britney Spears.. Everyone's favorite example for horrible. Well.. check out some of the lyrics for her song Slave 4 U:

What's practical is logical. What the hell, who cares?
All I know is I'm so happy when you're dancing there.

I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it, I cannot control it.
I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it, I'm not trying to hide it.

Baby, don't you want to, dance upon me,
(I just want to dance next to you)
To another time and place.
Baby, don't you want to, dance upon me,
(Are you ready)
Leaving behind my name, my age.
(Lets go)

(Like that)
(You like it)
(Now watch me)

Get it get it, get it get it (Whoa)
Get it get it, get it get it (Whoa)
Get it get it, get it get it (Oh)

Or even Avril Lavigne- the image of a rebel with her hits Sk8r Boi and Complicated who took upon her this sexualized blonde image and now she's become what she despised


You’re so fine
I want you mine
You’re so delicious
I think about you all the time
You’re so addictive
Don’t you know what I could do to make you feel alright (alright, alright, alright)?


I can see the way, I see the way you look at me
And even when you look away I know you think of me
I know you talk about me all the time again and again (again, again, again)
So come over here, tell me what I want to hear


In a second you’ll be wrapped around my finger
'cause I can, 'cause I can do it better

There is this blaring statement that in order for a girl to be noticed.. to be respected.. to be attractive.. they have to be sexy whether that is something that a girl truly wants to be or not.

It's disgusting.. this demand for sex. It's not just something seen in toddlers or teenagers either.. 

I have friends who even now well into their mid 20's are begging for a way out of this demanding social expectation. 

But hey, it's true.. how easy is it to go change into a short skirt and stilettos and suddenly have the world at your fingertips?

And the thing is, it works.

Not in the long run, but in a society so completely based on instant satisfaction and demand... 

It works just fine.